mumblingmythoughts

[mumblingmythoughts]

I like having this personal page just for me. I don’t use it often. Maybe I should. Knowing me though I’ll still forget that it exists and continue holding things in and not letting them out somehow. There’s a moment in time where looking in the mirror doesn’t always reset your mindset because it’s just a reflection and not really you. Words are similar but at least there is more truth in writing. Right? There is an ugly monster deep inside that’s clawing it’s way out tooth and nail and somehow I keep letting it get bigger and bigger. I used to able to contain it but it’s been seeming more difficult. One step forward and thousand back. Almost back to middle school when things were just coming in their own and realizing that everywhere I go someone hates me and that is something I’ll never be able to just “get over.” It’s not that simple. People pleasing is a tough battle to win and I’ve been fighting it my whole life. Having a type A personality and being anal of how people view me is and always will be the one thing could drive anyone away from me. Sometimes too much to handle and I get it. Who would want to be around a high strung person faking smiles to impress people who won’t even like her in two years? Sometimes you learn things from the company that you keep. I learned that I cannot deal with people who think their problems outweighs everyone else’s and refuse to listen when someone needs them most. She wasn’t a huge loss. It was more of a huge burden lifted from my shoulders but all the same I didn’t realize how stressful and unproductive and regressive to have someone like that around. I don’t talk because no one will listen. Or should I say, I don’t know who actually listens or who is actually waiting to one up me with whatever they have going on. If you’re going to listen to someone, listen wholeheartedly and not half assed. Sure we all feel that everything we go through is more important than what someone else is going through because we can only truly trust ourselves but once in a while we, including me, needs to stop spinning the wheels searching for the next answer or thinking, “man, why won’t she just shut the hell up so I can say my two cents and turn the conversation back on me?” I talk over people because I expect the same respect of my turn to speak the same way I give it to them. One should never listen to a close friend or loved one or even a stranger for that matter and keep constantly thinking about you’ve got it worse than them. I may be going through shit but I always make it a point to leave my problems at the door when someone needs me. Sometimes I think I care too much and it’ll kill me one day. Figuratively and literally. Bitch. Princess. Irresponsible. All words that cut deeper than I let off. Sure I own up to being a bitch but being called a bitch or fat or ugly because someone heard something they didn’t want to hear takes it completely in the other direction. Sure. I once went around calling myself Princess Litha but it turned negative real quick by high school so it no longer held the same value. Irresponsible. I hear it on more occasions from my dad more than anything. He never really had faith in me that I could do anything right. He’s been to maybe one of my band or choir concerts in my over 20 years of being a musician but expects me to play everything perfectly just because he says I should. He hasn’t heard me REALLY play. He’s never heard the anger or hurt or the sadness or the reds or the blues or the greens that I dig down deep to find. I got lucky with my musical ability. I don’t say it out loud anymore because people think I’m blowing smoke out of my ass and just trying to brag. I didn’t ask for it but I guess some people don’t want to be happy for others unless they can some kind of credit for it. I graduated from high school and college with everything against me. My dad says his support is the reason I made it. Fuck you. I wish I could just yell that to his face and tell him how he’s destroyed me and the family. I’m broken and I keep getting broken. There’s only so many times you can put a broken vase back together. The pretty perfect work of art that was once solid and flawless now has holes and chipped paint and can’t hold water. It may as well be a useless paper weight. I toss myself aside for others because I’ve been told there are people who have it worse than me. Sure your mom has cancer and I care and I pray for her everyday but I’m here. I exist too. I’m not always sunshine and daisies like I’ve pretended to be since I was six years old. I’m 26 now and I’m still trying to dig my way back to the surface out of a place that I’v been in for as long as I could remember. Never enough. Inadequate. Nothing. Lazy. Words that ring in my head louder and louder the more I see my friends and family reach their goals. One day I’ll be like them...I hope. For now, I’m out of words and feelings and useless tears and I’m just tired.

[mumblingmythoughts]

Everyday I put on a mask.

Everyday I put on  a show.

Everyday I put on a smile so that no one knows.

Everyday I feel pain.

Everyday I feel useless.

Everyday I feel ignored and looked over. 

Everyday I ride this rollercoaster.

Everyday I want to get off.

Everyday I feel sick to my stomach just by looking at my own reflection.

I am alone and no ones knows.

[mumblingmythoughts]

Burning

My skin burns from the pain I feel. It burns from scars I made. It burns to be touched by a razor sharp edge. Day after day. Night after night. I feel this burning. This burning that fades pleasantly and returns violently. It comes like a sweet kiss and leaves like raging storm. I burn. It burns. My skin is burning.

[mumblingmythoughts]

Blurred Existence

When I look out my window, I see clouds. Dark clouds that cover any shred of hope. The sun has been erased And the memories are gone. Maybe if I stop. Just stop for a second Just stop existing. Maybe the sun will return Because when I stop existing, That’s when the world will be happy. And the sun can shine again.

[mumblingmythoughts]

Sunshine

I stumble over myself. Looking for a way through I can't see where I'm going. My eyes won't adjust to this new place. This place is terrifying. It's a place I had seen too often but never paid attention to. I kind of like it. Warm but cold. Inviting but repulsive. Comfortable but out of place. This place I call darkness. It follows me everywhere. Even in broad sunlight.

[mumblingmythoughts]

Can I for once be the girl that guys want?

Or is that too much to hope for?

[mumblingmythoughts]

I hate to admit this but even though I said I wouldn't and I couldn't but I would probably fuck him.

[mumblingmythoughts]

I may have a crush on Remi.

Oops.

[mumblingmythoughts]

I hate being fat. I just want to fit in to clothes. I don’t care about curves. I just want to pretty. Because by society standards, being fat and being black is ugly. I don’t want to be ugly anymore. I’m 22 years old and I hate myself.

[mumblingmythoughts]

It becomes life or death for me now. I'm not sure which one to choose...

[mumblingmythoughts]

I definitely am the outsider with those two. Cool. Glad I'm making new friends. Their loss. Not mine.

[mumblingmythoughts]

I can move on from that now. I guess read everything wrong but hey, I do that a lot an end up heart broken. At least I've learned how to cope with it.

[mumblingmythoughts]

(x)

[mumblingmythoughts]

Glass Beach is a beach in MacKerricher State Park near Fort Bragg, California that is abundant in sea glass created from years of dumping garbage into an area of coastline near the northern part of the town.

For more interesting posts follow sixpenceee

[mumblingmythoughts]

Today’s Gender of the day is: Not yr bizness

[mumblingmythoughts]

I love Richard Lee Cole and I have no idea what to do about it.

[mumblingmythoughts]

Being the ugly friend is never a cake walk in the park. I just want Richard to like me but I doubt he does because I'm fat and ugly and look nothing like Rilyn or Sydney. I'm just me. Nothing special. I hate me.