msunderstuudsworld

[msunderstuudsworld]

Photo - Google Photos

https://sapphires4moi.tumblr.com/post/649402561030455296/photo-google-photos

[msunderstuudsworld]

Am I good enough? Will I ever be good enough? Will I ever find my safe place? Will I ever be able to find peace in me? Will I ever like myself? Will it ever happen? Am I gonna find that person? Am I gonna fail again? Am I gonna succeed in life? Will I make my parents proud? Will I make me proud? Am I gonna be remembered? Does anyone even care? Is anything real?

Will I die alone...?

[msunderstuudsworld]

[msunderstuudsworld]

[msunderstuudsworld]

Art by 🔺Qi Mang🔻

[msunderstuudsworld]

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A post shared by Eric William Christensen (@a1_primal_real)

[msunderstuudsworld]

Photo - Google Photos

https://sapphires4moi.tumblr.com/post/649402561030455296/photo-google-photos

[msunderstuudsworld]

Watch "When you meet the love of your life.." on YouTube

one dem days! where you weigh heavy on my mind , in my heart, and my soul. Idk why. I hate that I still hurt, and you went forth with her! As if those years meant shit too you! or that I meant anything at all! if you would have spent as much time on "US" as you did chasing hoes, we would have been fucn Golden.

you k ew what you was doing this last time all along! biding time! using me until it was time for the two of you to bounce out! I thought, no I recall you saying you didn't want to be with a bitch that's strung out or addicted to black and that's what now have!? I won't ever heal from the pain and trauma you have caused me! but I know that's something you are most proud of, as most narcissist are, and that's the goal and end result that your kind strive for! you could t leave well enough alone, until you knew you destroyed me. rite to the bitter end. I've never in my life felt such torture, such hate and malice from another human being. You forced this evil place on me! and that was hardly enough for you, you never had a good intention! you didn't come here for me/ us/ and certainly not to work on it, you came because you had to destroy, and take more. who I am anymore is even a mystery to myself. seeing how easy you bounce back sickens me, leaves me completely empty inside, with total confusion and chaos in my head, and all I want is to erase the last 8 yrs. I'm exhausted from the constant yearning to understand how and why! even tho I know what you are, perhaps, I'd wished, hoped, and expected too much, knowing myself as I do, and truly knowing how gentle and kind I once was made me believe in you far more then deserved! I believed and trusted you! and you drug me and my name thru the the sharpest of blades, as you became the victim to my rage! my pain, my anger, that you created.

To know that nothing you claimed you felt for me was true and genuine as I believed it was is the hardest pill to swallow, to have a person you thought loved as you did become a vile, hateful, deceptive monster and hear those extremely hateful words and see nothing but darkness and evil in your eyes that first time, was when I should have had enough strength to end it then. yet I was always willing, ready to have faith and take you at your word that you didn't want to lose me, and every " I FUCN LOVE YOU" MEANT SOMETHING, THAT THE PASSION, THE CONNECTION, WAS REAL! TO FEEL THE PAIN OF YOU LEAVING AGAIN, TAKES ME RITE BACK TO WHEN IT BEGAN AND I HAVE TO MOURN THE LOSS ALL OVER AGAIN.! and as much as I'd like for you to feel even half of the tor.ent that I struggle with daily, I know you can not! sadly, the reality is that it makes you utterly ecstatic! you accomplished the goal!B proud, celebrate, go brag how you destroyed and ended a beautiful person with a heart of gold whose purpose was to help others! my only comfort and solice,, is knowing each day is another day closer to freeing myself from the torment, the sheer lonliness, and the immense pain that I so bravely tuck away, smile, and convince others that I'm good! in many ways I wish I were CRAZY, IT would be a welcome change! I realized I'm just not what the world has become, and I'm exhausted not only by my own hurt, but that of many others. I realize too, as I recall the words of my daughter, ..... " I WONT BE AT PEACE UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD! TRUTH IS, I WONT BE AT PEACE UNTIL IM DEAD. I SIMPLY HAVE NO MEANING, NO PURPOSE OR EVEN A GOOD REASON TO REMAIN IN ALL THIS HATE, AND VENGEANCE! THERE IS NO BRIGHT SIDE, I'VE LOOKED! THERE NEVER WAS A BLESSING HERE, I KNEW, I FELT IT, THAT I WOULD NOT LEAVE HERE ALIVE! EVERYDAY IS THE SAME AS THE LAST! I WILL NEVER EVEr experience LOVE, COMPANIONSHIP, OR EVEN REMEMBER WHAT A REAL SMILE, OR GENUINE LAUGH feels like. or feel the comfort and safety of another's arms around me, or being told Iloveu and know it's not a lie! I can't recall how it feels to have holidays in the presence of my family, and I've missed so many important milestones because you put me here! you continue on in life, as you always have, an of course, I suffer! I'm utterly alone! unlike yourself! no one to help me! or give anny support, or listen to me bitch about the bullshit and offer advice! no one to lean on, when i feel so lost and empty! no cheerleaders, NO NOTHING, ITS MERELY A MISERABLE EXISTENCE. IM NOT HAPPY, I AINT AT PEACE BY ANY MEANS, I MEAN FUK TO NO ONE! AND you are the reason! I hope you are happy, no, I don't need to hope.....YOU ARE! IT'S SAID, THAT NARCISSIST ARE THE MOST VILE, UGLY DESTROYERS OF HUMANS, YOU FEEL NOTHING AND CARE ONLY ABOUT YOURSELVES! I CAN ONLY PRAY THAT THE POWERS THAT BE GIVE YOU THE PAIN YOU GAVE ME..... 70XS7 AND YOU SUFFER AS I HAVE.

[msunderstuudsworld]

[msunderstuudsworld]

Next time I will not procrastinate

[msunderstuudsworld]

Photo - Google Photos

https://sapphires4moi.tumblr.com/post/649402561030455296/photo-google-photos

[msunderstuudsworld]

Photo - Google Photos

https://sapphires4moi.tumblr.com/post/649402561030455296/photo-google-photos