msuhoplessromantic

[msuhoplessromantic]

Fuck you.

You put time into acknowledging the fact that you want to delete me. What does that do for you? You don’t have to see my name? You don’t have to see my story? You don’t have to remember who I am and the feelings you might have that creep up on you while you stare at your phone with a glass eye look. Well duck you. Maybe I should delete you as well so I can forget about your two faced act and live the life I deserve. Fuck you D.

[msuhoplessromantic]

My favorite quote is “Nothing is impossible. Even the word says I’m possible”. Could that mean we are possible? This is meant for you and i wish i could express to you my feelings. But i cant. 

[msuhoplessromantic]

quick helpless thought

why? u wanted me and were there for me these past few days and with the death of a fairy you disappear and back with her? 

this is not ok. i need to move on. now or never. is it too late? have i gone too far in?

[msuhoplessromantic]

Our playlist pt1

Jealous: L’ubrinf

Blessed: Daniel

Happens: Sampha

Teenage fever: drake

Who hurt you: Daniel

Permission: Ro

[msuhoplessromantic]

Lifetime only felt when the person brings out the time of your life.

Maybe I haven’t written much because I’ve been living this dream of the year being my year. I still believe this but it’s been hard and I don’t know how much longer I can cope with the people here. My best friend and the guy who this blog is for. Neither have spoken to me in what feels like lifetimes. But maybe lifetimes are only felt when the person brings out the time of your life. 

J. It began because I was within my complicated mind and it was whispering me things about our friendship. I did not want to ‘end’ it, but you took what i said and decided we were done. I miss you. I miss you like I miss breathing when underwater. It was hard not too have you and think that no one here sees me as anyone apart from the girl from london. I love you J and always will.

[msuhoplessromantic]

random draft post #1

I want to feel somyething. Maybe i saw this fuckingv coming. How could i ever be so stupid. I thought that maybe my gut feeling was tellingme something. That you are different and i wou;d say that i can read people and thats hwy i am so postiive but now look how wrong i was. How could you do this, but i guess you dont give a shit. 

I am alone. And i thought this year would be different. I had so mych hope for it. I was so ready fo this year to come. But now this. Wrfiting this i am crying. i am feeling. Maybe it was all bottle up inside me this past week. Maybe i knew it was coming and i was trying to ignore it but now its all coming. 

Wait. Stop. No. This year i am not going to cry over someone who isn;t even thinking about me. I am going to improve myself and show this to him and everyone that i am better than they ever thought. 

 But i may have stopped crying but within im hurting. Truly hurting. I never would have thought this would happen, and now it has. And now i need to acknowledge it. Dont let this ruin everything for you.

[msuhoplessromantic]

Confused I am.

I am confused. I do not know what to expect when he comes back. I had this mindset that it’ll go back to normal again. That during the holidays he will be busy, and we will come back all fine. 

as you said, you did call me your fairy.

[msuhoplessromantic]

Sunday

i wake up happy. Not just because of you, but because i realised i am so lucky to have everything i take for granted and maybe this does include you. 

The sun decides to hide away and the hopless moon shines bright in the sky when you text me saying that you want to see me before i leave for chistmas. The moon smiled his helpess grin while watching over me and how i lit up/

“Did you see that?” I say up to the Moon, “he was thinking about me. He wants to see me”.

He calls me. Three times. They say the third time’s a charm, and it was. The minute he gets dropped off at his flat, he comes to mine. I was so happy to see you and wanted to hang and kiss you. But i did not, and neither did you. We kept to ourselves as though there was an unspoken bond between us.

The night escalated as though i was taking a staircase to the moon. We went into my room, and i looked at you like the moon was right. You are so intricate and delicate, eveyerhting i do has to be gentle. Maybe he looked at me the same way because when he began to touch me stars were ignited and sparks flew. It was as though you need to use something else to explain your thoughts. Tonight it was becoming a tattoo artist, and slowly + gently tattoo my bare skin with your lips.

The moon shone on our apartment with the light of a new year, and you began to share your experiences and thoughts about the lonesome life of a soul human. Your friend being mudered. Your father being killed in an accident. Dont allow their deaths to define you.

thank you for the early chirsmtas gift. maybe you only left your physical black ralph lauren top but i slept with that to feel safe.

[msuhoplessromantic]

Past

Re-telling our story...my story brought back memories that made me believe there could be something. 

But you have already forgotten about me. Forgotten is such a sad and negative word that placing it on me makes me feel powerful. I was so important in your life that you to had to discard me from you brain. Maybe that should be looked at as a good thing. 

You are something so powerful that they had to forget about you which uses time and energy.

[msuhoplessromantic]

Out of body. That’s just how I feel when I’m around you shawty.

[msuhoplessromantic]

I haven’t written in so long. Maybe because I’m scared. Maybe because I no longer have words. I prefer the later but I know that’s not true. I am lying to myself because the abundant amount of thoughts in My head years me down. So here I back am. Half scared and half happy to create what helps me bear through everything. But for now this is all.

[msuhoplessromantic]

Saturday

I walk into my deserted apartment with you on my mind. We had been messaging on the plane and you secretly sent me a message. I was so excited to see you and I began to imagine our night. 

It did not go as planned. 

It went better.

An excuse. This brought you over to my flat, I wish I could grab hold of your face and tell you that I want you to say “I am coming over right now whether you like it or not.” but instead you asked me if I wanted to see a card trick. Of course, I did. Little did he know that to me he is a magic trick, something that is so mesmerising to look at because its somehow strangely beautiful but also you become so curious after seeing it once that you want to know how this thing has become. When I first see you walking through the cold night air of MI, I began to believe that this was real. You were not just an old dusty magic trick that kept doing the same trick and becoming repetitive but someone that wanted to see me. I loved this idea. 

We talked. We danced. We sang. 

You told me about love and what you think about it, while this whole time her name was on the tip of my tongue slithering out as though I was the devil's serpent and you were Eve. I wanted to manipulate you with my rhetoric and persuade you in telling me how she is so special to you but I never did. Who is this wonder woman of a girl that keeps you locked up and not able to see the world, but you still run back to her? That is not you, but maybe I have no right to say that because you could say that I don’t know you well enough. 

You remind me of who I am. I want to be young and reckless around you but with you by my side. 

[msuhoplessromantic]

Why?

Like the question why you’re so simple yet so eternal.

Why is there 365 days in a year? Why is there 12 months? Why is there a day that I remember you? Why is there such things as anniversaries?

Eternal yet so easy to say. This is how I feel when I say your name, but eternity is something that is not positive,

People assume eternity is happy. They associate it with eternal love or eternal forgiveness. But something to live forever surely will one day be lonely or wonder what it is like to have had a life. 

So, therefore, I don’t want eternity with you, I just want my own time with you. This may never come because you are layered like petals within a flower. Every petal I pluck and ask my question, there is more that is unfolding.

Will I ever pick all your petals apart or have you already closed yourself from me and gone. 

[msuhoplessromantic]

Thunderclouds.

Our song. Not mine and his but mine and my best friend (E) that makes us think of him ( because Lubrinth is in it). D once asked me how this song made me feel, and I answered back with young, reckless and free all of those qualities were needed to make the decision to text him but of course he will never know that. 

This day I have already written about (AKA Memory Tear 1), but i forgot to add the weirdness that occurred throughout the day which surrounded this particular song.

 That day, i was in the gym and was on the hip abductor machine and out of nowhere Thunderclouds came on, and bare in mind this song has never been on the radio. 

Fast forward a couple delinquent hours and me + E are getting into the uber to go to the bars from 1855 Vollyball party. We get in and as though a message came from above, Thunderclouds plays in the Uber’s radio.

Now tell me that is not a strange sign. 

[msuhoplessromantic]

Random scribble of thoughts: no spell check.

Not about him. But about everyone. 

Why do people believe they need to alcohol to have fun, and then in turn embarrass themselves. I am done with people. I am done with going on and wishing someone was my firend or if they like me or not. Whyc is 

[msuhoplessromantic]

Memory tear #1

Saturday 8th of December 2018. The Saturday before finals. E tells me she wants to go out. We go to this football and volleyball party which was very boring because they valued vodka more than their own spirits interaction. We head to our ‘place��: Fieldhouse.

I see him. He's wearing green trousers which had many zips and a red + white line down the side. He was wearing a sleeveless hoody and his hair was down. Did he acknowledge me? maybe. 

Fast forward to 1:30 am. He was drunk and stroppy. I asked him if he needs a ride home. No response. I come back when i see him falling asleep and ask, but this girl gets very aggressive and tells me no. I leave him. My heart does not leave his side. 

We get back home and all alone i hear something within my unconscious that is asking about him. I suppress it and we decide to walk to Jimmy Johns. As we walk back home, I cannot keep it in. I snapchat him and ask if he got home ok. This is what happens next:

I get a response. My heart flutters away through the graveyard of those butterflies that had arisen before. 

“Can I stay with you”. That is what he said. I expected this like someone expecting a kiss from a stranger. 

I did not react. Why? Maybe because I was in shock. Maybe because I knew this was not going to last. Maybe he had done the damage within me and now I am numb. 

E begins to jump up and down alongside me on the major road. She was ecstatic. I felt young, free and fearless. However, I had just ordered a sandwich with extra onions so she made me not eat it just in case (thank you E). She is the one who tells me to say yes. She is the one who tells me I will regret this if I don’t. She is the one.

I get home and I don’t believe it will happen. It was a whirlwind of thoughts. We rush to my messed up room (picture clothes everywhere and food and just full down a tornado in there). He calls me. Is it because he was drunk? Did he just want to use my naive heart? I tell him I will go and pick him up in 5 minutes. 

The stars were burning bright as I make my way to 1855, but this reminded me of the story about the impossible love between the Sun and the Moon. I was nervous and confused, but when I finally found him these slowly drifted away along with my need to ask him a million questions about everything. As we make our way into my flat, E is ‘asleep’ on the sofa and smile to herself about the excitement that is vibrating of the walls. Was it a dream? I am writing this to make myself acknowledge that it wasn’t a dream but real 

As he tiptoes into my room he begins to look at everything. It was mesmerising to watch him do this. He looked at every memory i had collected, asked about the photos, the locations, the fragrance. This went on for a very long time and i felt so comfortable being around him, as though we have done this a million times. But he probably has. Not me. 

The night lingers on and i begin to wish this dream was never going to end. At one point, he begins to sing ‘part of your world’ from ‘The Little Mermaid’. Ironically those lyrics expressed how i felt: i do want to be part of your world. His world. The singing did not end here though. Later on that evening he sang ‘jealous’ by Lubrinth... and this made me question everything. As we lay in bed together i thought about how this could plan out in another universe with a parallel S and D together. Maybe then they were in love and happy, or just friends like in this world. Little things to remember:

He was so shy about getting changed/sleeping in his boxers. 

We listened to many songs. He showed me another cover by Thirdstory: Im not the only one. We listened to Talking body. 

As we lay in bed he begins to talk to me about life. I wish i could have shut him up with punching his face with my lips. 

I did not want his eyes to close. I did not want the night to end and the morning to arise with the awkwardness of the situation. As he falls asleep, it felt like he was in his room. He was so distant. I would always ask why the Greeks were so obsessed with sculpting the naked (usually male) body, but laying next to him i realised why. The curve of his back made me want to run my fingers down it and let hime know that his insecurities are beautiful. His stretch marks are the wear and tear of the world he has worked so hard to be in. His discolouration on his face made me acknowledge him as someone who is different to all the others. The moment i felt his warmth behind me, i did not want him to move. I could feel the shyness radiating from him as though i was cuddling by a raging fire. i moved closer to him, as though this may close the barrier between us that i feel has been brought in since i was blocked on his Instagram by his girlfriend. I wanted him. I wanted him like a kid wants candy on the 1st of November. We laid there in sleepless silence, maybe he was asleep but his heart proved otherwise. Minutes go by, and it turns into hours. I accommodate the feeling of despair when the thought of him leaving my bed becomes reality. 

Walk of Shame:

- No. This wasn’t his or my walk of shame, but rather my roommates who also had a male companion over. While he left on his own accord and quite abruptly, D came into the kitchen and started speaking to C. 

- Yes. He did not leave. He stayed with me and C for the morning. We shared photos and memories while questioning our ideas and teenage thoughts. 

- Maybe, he will come back and enter my life again like this delicate cactus who only needs the slightest of water to help it grow into something that is so strangely beautiful and has a survival quality. 

[msuhoplessromantic]

I got to write a wish today. I wish you could be in my life. I wish I could find true happiness with you in the equation. I did not write that on my innocent card. I did not want it to get all the pain and anger of that wish. Of those words. I wrote ‘I wish you find happiness’,  because that is my wish. Happiness. 

E wrote ‘I wish you find true love’. Was she eavesdropping into my mind?