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traumatic bonding: shattering the fantasy, grieving

[TRIGGER WARNING FOR ABUSE]

One of the most difficult things you have to grapple with when trying to break free from a trauma bond is the realization that you may have attributed a “cosmic” quality to something that had very little substance other than raw attachment. This is a perfectly reasonable response since we need to believe that we suffered the abuse for a reason—in my case, “love” is what gave my endurance meaning. After coming to terms with the abuse I would sometimes ask myself, How was she able to convince me to adopt her worldview? But in traumatic bonding, the victim doesn’t have to be convinced. They’re eager to believe the fantasy because the fantasy is a way of coping with the abuse. After a while, I needed to believe the promises, even though she would never follow through on them, because I was so deep in it that shattering the fantasy would put my psyche at risk of unraveling. Identifying with her became an immediate form of survival.

Grieving is a very complicated process when you are trying to overcome a trauma bond—you have to grieve the loss of that person, you have to grieve the loss of yourself with that person, and you have to grieve the loss of that person without you (part of my continued loyalty was motivated by a feeling that all of the “progress” she made in our relationship would be lost if I didn’t maintain my loyalty). But perhaps the most difficult part of the process is grieving the stories, fantasies, promises, and social narratives that you clung to in order to make sense of situation…the utterly desperate hopes and dreams that you cultivated in the face of your suffering.

When you start to shatter the fantasies, the pain will be absolutely overwhelming. You will want to go back to the fantasies because it seems less painful than breaking free of them. In that moment, returning to the fantasy will alleviate the pain but it will just create more pain in the long run. As you deconstruct the stories and fantasies you will feel like a total idiot. You will doubt your intelligence. Your world will seem profoundly unstable because everything you thought to be true will no longer be true. You will feel like you cannot trust yourself or anyone around you. You will feel paranoid about being used by people. You will compulsively scan your memories trying to locate a “true” moment. You will use moments that seem like they could be examples of real “love” or ANYTHING real to confuse yourself and go back to the fantasy.

As you try to dismantle the trauma bond, LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN YOUR BODY will push against letting go. Your nervous system and psyche have been pushed passed their limits and have been reorganized in order to adjust to the abuse. You have been re-wired down to the biological—some even say cellular—level (physiologically, it is an actual chemical addiction because your body releases certain chemicals during moments of crisis). Over time, the coping strategies that you developed while experiencing trauma solidify.

In all vertebrate animals, fear and intensity increase attachment. You can imagine situations where this response would have a survival function—even before reading about trauma bonds I would always say that I felt “bound” to my family because of certain traumatic things that have happened to us, which ended up making us closer. This was necessary for our survival during tragic situations, such as when my older brother was going to prison. But when you are in an abusive relationship you become psychologically and physiologically addicted to the abuse—which is not to say that as survivors of abuse we are bringing the abuse upon ourselves, but that our systems are overloaded when we experience abuse and fear pushes us into a reactive state. Our bodies have to adjust to living in this state of fear in order to survive. As our reactions and coping mechanisms are codified over time, they have the paradoxical function of deepening the trauma bond. Abuse becomes normalized—we may even become so desensitize that the abusive behavior stops registering as abuse.

The most intense bonds are ones that involve intermittent abuse mixed with promises, hopes, kindness, and tenderness. The abuse creates the intensity; the tenderness allows the fantasy to flourish. Attachment is also intensified by the false feeling of intimacy that occurs when you are abused by someone you love—there is the “high” of the crisis, the euphoria of reconciliation, and the amnesia that follows. If the fantasy starts to unravel or wane, another crisis situation will occur to reinvigorate the fantasy, stories, and promises. After each cycle the trauma bond deepens.  

Friends of survivors: understanding traumatic bonding

If you have not been traumatically bonded to someone, you cannot understand how desperately the abused person longs to be loved by the person abusing them. You may not be able to understand why a person who has been abused acts the way they act, why they would go to great lengths to protect their abuser and maintain their relationship with them. You may feel like the person who has been abused is “unreasonable” and you may offer your “rational” assessment of the relationship. But of course, many people who are stuck in abusive relationships have a perfectly “rational” view of what is taking place. The problem is that they cannot “reason” their way out of the relationship, even if they are perfectly clear about what is going on. People who are stuck in abusive relationships are often internally split, and these two sides of themselves do not communicate with each other. They can hold contradictory views in their body at the same time—they may know they are being abused while also maintaining a belief in the fantasy that keeps them attached to their abuser. But like I said earlier—the abused person’s attachment to their abuser is not unreasonable—it has its own internal logic, and this logic is incomprehensible to people who have not been traumatically bonded to someone. What looks to outsiders like an irrational attachment actually emerged from coping mechanisms that the abused person developed to survive the abuse. 

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A recycled article: "the discovery of gold and other natural resources (including vast fisheries and large reservoirs of oil and gas) would prove Alaska more than just a desolate icebox. Alaska has seen a lot of changes in the years since. Pipelines have been built, economies have been created, cities have boomed and citizens have thrived. Odds are the coming years will be exciting, too." Happy 58th+ deathday, Alaska. A celebration of the official colonization of the Last Frontier. Let us not forget that in the same year as statehood, British Petroleum also began exploring for oil. Check out the videos on the website though...where's the footage of AK Natives rejoicing? Oh wait... Did we forget that the Aleuts were enslaved way before this? Did we forget that Congress didn't recognize all Native Americans as people until 1924? Did we forget that 11 years ago 267, 000 gallons of oil were spilled on the land? Let's forget let's forget let's forget but let's keep talking about how awesome development and money and the taking advantage of people and natural resources are. Let's keep these things in mind with our new presidency. Trump has an oh-so-great rapport with Native Americans.

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Angela Davis speaks about violence and revolution in 1971.

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The most thought-provoking, most beautiful, and most-emotionally jarring and the most important film that I saw in all of 2016. I highly recommend this to everyone. Especially those interested in issues regarding race, sexuality, masculinity, family, addiction, love...I was shook by the end. From LA-based Black filmmaker and writer, Barry Jenkins. Please find a way to see this.

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HELPED are those who are enemies of their own racism; they shall live in harmony with the citizens of this world, and not with those of their ancestors, which has passed away, and which they shall never see again. HELPED are those born from love: conceived in their father's tenderness and their mother's orgasm, for they shall be those - numbers of whom will be called "illegitimate" whose spirits shall know no boundaries, even between heaven and earth, and whose eyes shall reveal the spark of the love that was their own creation. They shall know joy equal to their suffering and they will lead multitudes into dancing and Peace. HELPED are those too busy living to respond when they are wrongfully attacked: on their walks they shall find mysteries so intriguing as to distract them from every blow. HELPED are those who find something in Creation to admire each and every hour. Their days will overflow with beauty and the darkest dungeon will offer gifts. HELPED are those who receive only to give; always in their house will be the circular energy of generosity; and in their hearts a beginning of new age on Earth: when no keys will be needed to unlock the heart and no locks will be needed on the doors. HELPED are those who love the stranger; in this they reflect the heart of the Creator and that of the Mother. HELPED are those who are content to be themselves; they will never lack mystery in their lives and the joys of self-discovery will be constant. HELPED are those who love the entire cosmos rather than their own tiny country, city, or farm, for to them will be shown the unbroken web of life and the meaning of infinity. HELPED are those who live in quietness, knowing neither brand name nor fad; they shall live every day as if in eternity, and each moment shall be full as it is long. HELPED are those who love others unsplit off from their faults; to them will be given clarity of vision. HELPED are those who create anything at all, for they shall relive the thrill of their own conception, and realize a partnership in the creation of the Universe that keeps them responsible and cheerful. HELPED are those who love the Earth, their mother, and who willingly suffer that she may no die; in their grief over her pain they will weep rivers of blood, and in their joy in her lively response to love, they will converse with trees. HELPED are those whose every act is a prayer for harmony in the Universe, for they are the restorers of balance to our planet. To them will be given the insight that every good act done anywhere in the cosmos welcomes the life of an animal or a child. HELPED are those who risk themselves for others' sakes; to them will be given increasing opportunities for ever greater risks. Theirs will be a vision of the world in which no one's gift is despised or lost. HELPED are those who strive to give up their anger; their reward will be that in any confrontation their first thoughts will never be of violence or war. HELPED are those whose every act is a prayer for peace; on them depends the future of the world. HELPED are those who forgive; their reward shall be forgetfulness of every evil done to them. It will be in their power, therefore, to envision the new Earth. HELPED are those who are shown the existence of the Creator's magic in the Universe, they shall experience delight and astonishment without ceasing. HELPED are those who laugh with a pure heart; theirs will be the company of the jolly righteous. HELPED are those who love all the colors of all the human beings, as they love all the colors of animals and plants; none of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any parts of themselves, shall be hidden from them. HELPED are those who love the lesbian, the gay, and the straight, as they love the sun, the moon, and the stars. None of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any parts of themselves, shall be hidden from them. HELPED are those who love the broken and the whole; none of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any of themselves shall be despised. HELPED are those who do not join mobs; theirs shall be the understanding that to attack in anger is to murder in confusion. HELPED are those who find the courage to do at least one small thing each day to help the existence of another - plant, animal, river, or other human being. They shall be joined by a multitude of the timid. HELPED are those who lose their fear of death; theirs is the power to envision the future in a blade of grass. HELPED are those who love and actively support the diversity of life; they shall be secure in their differentness. HELPED are those who know.

The Gospel According to Shug, from Alice Walker's The Temple of My Familiar