mraddams-suicideletters-blog

[mraddams-suicideletters-blog]

I wish I could control my urges.

[mraddams-suicideletters-blog]

The Sound pt.8

After awhile the waitress came back with the food I ordered, I set my phone aside and started eating. “Need anything else love?” “No I’m fine, thank you”. I ate about half the plate then took my meds. I put the bottle back in my pocket and got up. I took out my wallet and left a ten and a five on the table. “Leaving already?” “Yeah sorry, it was good though thank you”.

I continued driving into town and found a few antique stores. I don’t have a big interest in antiques but I’m on vacation so why not.

[mraddams-suicideletters-blog]

The Sound pt.7

I finish my coffee, grab my coat and head into town. There are so many trees out here, not used to that back in the city. I pull into the little restaurant on the edge of town. It looks like a classic dinner but more of a southern theme. I walk inside and I’m greeted by an old woman smoking a cigarette. “Hey hun go ahead and take a seat I’ll be with you shortly” I nod and make my way to a booth. She walks over and hands me a menu. I immediately notice it’s covered in grease, not sure if I should eat here but I’m hungry. “I’ll just have the breakfast plate thanks” she grabs the menu and smiles “sunny or scrabbled?” “Scrabbled” “perfect” She leaves and comes back with a pot of coffee and pours me a cup. I take out my meds and set them next to the mug.

[mraddams-suicideletters-blog]

The Sound pt.6

That morning I wake up and make a pot of coffee. I have about 2 cups while I read some articles. “Click”........ “what the fuck was that?” I thought. I peek over my laptop and glare down the hall... I close it and set it aside as I stand up with blood chilling anxiety swelling up my legs... I am now standing at the end of the hall unable to move... I’m here alone, what made that noise? Slowly I begin walking down the hall checking each door. All are closed except the last one. It’s unlatched. I reach for the knob... I thrust the door open to an empty room. I’m confused. Investigating further I realized the air vent is angled toward the door. “Christ.”

[mraddams-suicideletters-blog]

The Sound pt.5

I walk outside and fuel up. For some reason I can’t help but keep peaking over my shoulder. There’s no one there but I feel something heavy following. Maybe I should take my meds... I jump in my car and speed off.

I finally make it to the house, my second time using Airbnb. I open the gate and approach the front door to put in the key code. Strangely, nothing about this place seems too odd. I open the door. It’s a perfect description of a suburban home. I take in my bags and pass out on the couch.

[mraddams-suicideletters-blog]

October 30, 2018

1:00am, uploaded.

[mraddams-suicideletters-blog]

The Sound pt.4

I lock my door and head out on the road. As I merge on the highway I start to mildly dissociate, I’m here but I’m not the one driving. After about 2 and a half hours I notice I’m running low on gas so I decide to stop at the next town. I pull up to the gas pump and get out of my car. The machine says “pay inside”. I lock the car door and proceed inside. The door was stuck and was difficult to open. As I walk in I’m greeted by an older woman behind the counter. “Can I help you sugar?” The door closes behind me. “Yes I just need some gas”, I take out my wallet and pay her $10. “Passing through?” She glared, “yeah, I’m taking a vacation.” “All the way out here?... you look like the city type.” “Exactly.” She opened the cash register and punched a few buttons. “Well while your enjoying the sights check out a few of the shops around here... not often we get customers from out of town.” “Thanks.” I take the receipt and walk out the door.

[mraddams-suicideletters-blog]

The Sound pt.3

I call a friend of mine when I get off work and ask a favor. I need someone to watch my apartment for the next few days. My therapist said it would be a good idea to get out of town. I booked an Airbnb in a small town about 3 hours away. Hopefully I can find a way out of my head and back to reality.

[mraddams-suicideletters-blog]

The Sound pt.2

I make my way outside and walk up to the car. I can’t help but stare at my reflection in the glass. It doesn’t look like me. Then again I’m not quite sure who I am. I open the door, start the car and drive off to work.

Walking into the office I can feel the chill of anxiety inching up my spine. It all looks fake. The people around me, look fake. I’m just sort of floating around in a cheap movie, like an extra. My story line doesn’t matter and the main character lives on the other side of the world.

[mraddams-suicideletters-blog]

The Sound pt.1

I sit there starring at the floor, tunnel vision. Just me and the carpet. Everything around me has melted away. I have been doing this for what seems to be a second. A muffled voice begins to climb into my skull, the therapist is calling. “Mr.Addams? Still with me buddy?... you’ve been zoned out for 10 minutes” The walls shoot up around me and I’m back in the room with the clock ticking on the wall next to me. I look up at my therapist. “Yeah sorry, can we reschedule?” He picks up his clipboard. “Sure.... have you been taking the meds by the way?” “Yes.” I lied. He shakes his head and hands me a paper. “Give this to my assistant and I want to see you back here on Tuesday okay?” “Okay thanks”. I get up from the chair and leave.

[mraddams-suicideletters-blog]

Out of the blue, and into the black.

[mraddams-suicideletters-blog]

My greatest inspiration 1/3

Rowland S Howard of The Birthday Party

[mraddams-suicideletters-blog]

October 16, 2018

7:48am, I awaken from another nightmare. I try to find comfort and security with the person next to me. Their response, “the first thing you do in the morning is bitch”. I have no security. The world around me is simulated for my destruction. I begin drinking at 8:05am. I pour some of the whiskey in a flask and take it with me to work. Not sure where I should go from here. Just keep my head down and go to work.

[mraddams-suicideletters-blog]

I fucking hate this place.

[mraddams-suicideletters-blog]

They’re following you. You have to get out of here. Keep the radio off.

[mraddams-suicideletters-blog]

It’s only when I lose myself in someone else, that I find myself.