I watch way too many movies and I way overthink them, so I figured I might as well write about it. Watch me drag beloved films with no real expertise to back me up on my opinions. Feel free to yell at me about what I say I'm down to fight. All of my movie posters are available on my redbubble shop. (without watermarks)
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straight things to do with your heterosexual friends
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Grease 2
So, this movie kind of slaps in the worst way ever. You have to watch it with the knowledge that itās terrible, it makes it a lot better. The songs are pretty underrated, a lot of them are low key bops and I would probably listen to them without watching the movie. Itās a product of its time so of course itās aggressively heteronormative even though the main guys are very queer coded just like most 80s movies. The main girl is a fine singer, but her character is kind of boring and really just an ass most of the time. She also has no business being in a movie about the 50s (or maybe the 60s itās not very clear) she is so obviously a quintessential 80s chick from her hair to her leather pants, sheās basically Sandyās makeover as a person. In my opinion the main love interest could have done a lot better. He spends the whole movie doing the reverse of the first movie, going from geek to biker??? Yeah, they all ride motorcycles now, but theyāre still called T-Birds which really doesnāt make sense but nothing in this movie really does. Oh! And Frenchy is in it, she came back to high school to complete her chemistry credits?? The whole movie is a mess but honestly, I enjoy watching it. Iāll watch it again, I already have.
Basically itās the first movie but gender swapped and with a talent show and biker gangs.
The T-Birds really make this movie, theyāre the most interesting characters in it. Their leader Johnny is funny and likeable despite being a dick, he has very obvious vulnerability and growth during the film which makes the audience not hate him. His goons are hilarious, they have some of the best lines in the movie and I actually laughed out loud at some of the shit they said. I could do without the gratuitous sexualization of high schoolers but what can you do. I donāt really understand why they have beef with this 20-person biker gang of full-grown adults that apparently have nothing better to do than antagonize 4 teenagers but hey I get it they need a common enemy. I also get that they were going for anger and jealousy when Johnny looked at Michael every time he was being his sexy mysterious biker persona but maybe they should have told him that because that definitely isnāt whatās coming across in his face. He has the biggest man crush I have ever seen I swear.
Michael, who is apparently Sandyās cousin even though heās British and she was Australian, really drives the story; everything happens because he wants to date Stephanie even though the only real conversations, theyāve had are just him being nice and her being a dick the whole time but I guess sheās pretty? So he becomes a biker to be what she wants because she wouldnāt date a hot smart guy with a British accent, no way heās a loser. I guess. So instead he spends the whole movie trying to live up to her standards which is more than a little infuriating but lets be honest the plot isnāt really why you watch this movie. It really only starts happening in the 3rd act anyway, most of it is taken up by talent show hijinks and motorcycle themed music numbers. And a surprising amount of bowling. I wasnāt expecting the coolest kids in school to have their own bowling league but that bold choice did lead to a very confusing but fun musical number in which we see that Johnny sings high sometimes because heās basically Danny in even tighter pants (somehow) and Paulette (a pink lady played by Judy Garlandās daughter) has an amazing voice that doesnāt get used enough in the songs.
Thereās a lot of odd running gags in the movie that really donāt need to be there. Rhondaās obsession with her āhuge noseā even though itās really not that big. The random teacher that had a nervous breakdown and keeps almost dying. The teacher whose whole gimmick is that sheās hot and maybe sleeping with her students? But definitely sleeping with the substitute teacher. The fact that Johnnyās right-hand manās name is Goose? A reference to a movie that hadnāt even come out when this movie take place? I think anyway, like I said itās really hard to pinpoint when this movie is supposed to take place. Also the T-Birds are on the football team I think? Or theyāre running drills during PE which also doesnāt make sense with their characters. I donāt know man the whole movie is so strange they say stuff and then never bring it up again.
The ending is where I think the movie really lets you down. After a very weird talent show scene Where Steph has a very boring song and is all sad because she thinks Michael is dead, they have a party. And the party is a Luau and itās quite possible one of the whitest things Iāve ever seen its so embarrassing. They have a long song about how theyāre having a Luau and then they have a bunch of shirtless guys carry Steph and Johnny into a pool on a big throne/raft thing? And then the biker gang bursts in because they have nothing better to do and everyoneās screaming and throwing things itās very chaotic. The continuity errors in this scene are absolutely outrageous. Then Michael shows up out of nowhere and Johnny literally quivers when he sees him (yeah heās straight) and he singlehandedly kicks out all those hardened criminals. Then thereās a very long and awkward moment where they initiate Michael into the T-Birds even though school is basically over at this point and then Steph and Michael make out. One of my most hated scene tropes in movies, the very intimate confession and make out in the middle of a crowd. And then finally we have the last song of the movie in which Steph and Michael start off with a duet and their voices sound terrible together (itās a sign and I refuse to believe otherwise) and then everyone else joins in and they try way too hard to tie up all the characterās storylines even though as the audience you werenāt really all that invested in greaser number three and pink lady number threeās sex life and most of these things didnāt really need to be sung out loud they were pretty minor parts of the movie. And oh, okay, everyone now ends up in a relationship even Pauletteās younger sister who I thought was in like, middle school but now I guess sheās dating the dumb guy from the T-Birds but theyāre all seniors?? Okayā¦yeah, the ending fucking sucks itās the worst part. The song is long and boring, and the choreography is bad but then they recap a bunch of the better songs during the credits and itās all fine again!
Overall, the movie isnāt nearly as bad as Iāve heard other people say, Iāve seen much worse. And the thing is, the bad parts are kinda what makes it great in the first place. Itās kind of like when they made mean girls 2. Itās not really a sequel because non of the actually important characters are in it (except for Frenchy but sheās only there for like 10 minutes tops). Itās a cash grab but not the worst one. The songs are fun, and the characters are pretty fucking funny if you ignore how weird it is that theyāre all like 30. Iād say watch it if itās free to stream, donāt rent it. I probably get more out of it than a normal sane person because I read into characterās and their emotional connections way too much I basically am rewriting it in my head. I doubt anyone would be interested but I definitely broke down all the characters and their motivations and tried to figure out their actions, also known as me trying to create queer characters off of very unstable reasoning. Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. Anyway, the people in this movie are pretty hot and most of the songs kinda slap so even if the plot is questionable other things make up for it.
As of now this movie is available for streaming on Amazon prime.
Final Verdict:
On my scale 7/10
Actual good movie scale 4/10
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Sheās All That (1999)
Rich and popular makes a bet with his āfriendā, whose personality is pretty much summed up by the fact that he has frosted tips, that he can turn any girl into the prom queen after getting dumped by his longtime girlfriend.Ā
Now donāt get me wrong, IĀ loveĀ this movie, but every time I watch it I canāt help but be amazed at howĀ absurdĀ it is. I mean, clichĆ© plot aside, every individual piece that makes up this 1 hour and 30 minute ode to the individual is completely insane. What universe does this take place in? What high school do they go to?
That being said, I really like the opening shots to this movie, it definitely gives you a good introduction to the main character. Laney Boggs. Sheās political and messy and 100% down to her bones an art student. She isnāt afraid to be dark.
In contrast I feel like the first meeting of the main love interest really doesnāt set him up to be who the writers want you to think he is. I mean he rolls up to school in a bright yellow Jeep with a Mr. Prez vanity plate. Then you see his shoes when he gets out of the car, fuckinā ugly ass leather loafers. Iām sorry I know this means nothing I just have a hard time believing this jock wears these fucking shoes theyāre so god damn ugly.
Every moment that introduces him makes it seem like he should be the villain, he has pretty much no redeeming qualities that we can see besides his wit (barely) and good looks. I just donāt understand why weāre supposed to like him, this is Sixteen Candles all over again. Hot rich guy, is an asshole, for some reason I still root for and love him. How does that work? What makes these characters so grossly likable? I mean, his name is Zack. That alone raises a red flag for me. Thatās a frat boy asshole name. Zacks are friends of Kyle thatās all Iām saying.
Once we get through his painfully douchey introduction we get introduced to Zackās equally douchey friends frosted tips and Gus from psych. (donāt ask me what their actual names are itās not important anyway, that is essentially their personalities) The first thing we hear is them talking about summer break and their vacations, further driving home how rich they are and how weird it is that adults write movies about teenagers having gratuitous amounts of sex with adults. Then Zach tries unsuccessfully to say something philosophical about them graduating soon (I have to keep reminding myself that heās supposed to have like the 4th highest GPA in their class) They then meet the most 90s girls I have ever seen. Who I guess are supposed to be popular? One thing I do like is how diverse all the characters are, they donāt all look exactly the same which I feel tends to be a problem with high school movies.
So we finally meet theĀ āpopular girlā Taylor Vaughn, Zackās girlfriend and she immediately breaks up with him (which honestly is probably a good idea anyway) and hisĀ āfriendsā fucking laugh at him which he really had coming. I mean. Look at his hair.Ā
This launches what is probably one of my favorite narrated flashback scenes of all time, not because the topic is particularly interesting but because I love the way they have Zach interrupt her inside of the flashback. Itās a very small addition that really gives the scene style. Also we see this hot girl start dating Shaggy??? Also one of the villains from the original Scream???( he only really plays one character.) Makes me laugh every time. Also makes me a little uncomfortable every time since sheās in high school and heās who knows how old but whatever not important. This also leads to one of my favorite exchanges in the whole movie.Ā
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Taylor wraps up her spring break story time with one of the rawest lines I've ever seen in a 90s movie (she really did that to him) and the director throws in a classic high school movie trope, everyone actually caring enough to stop and watch this exchange. And while I usually hate this kind of character worship, since this movie is already so bizarre and unrealistic it actually kinda fits
We then cut to Laneyās art class which includes her teacher that for some reason thinks her art isnāt personal enough and two clown obsessed Lydia Deetz knock offs. I have to say I do love this part where the art students literally suggest that she kill herself in order to have her art recognized. Very realistic conversation between art students.Ā
That whole scene is really funny though because it doesnāt feel like it belongs in this movie. Even the music doesn't fit which is only emphasized by the sudden bell ringing transition back into a stereotypical high school movie. It reminds me of movies like the craft, the way itās cut together, the way the characters talk, how Laney just stares straight ahead after not saying anything. It seems like she could have chosen a completely different movie to be in. Like if the movie was a chose your own adventure, she could have been in a different genre entirely and the movie would have been about her and those girls faking her death to get recognition and make money from her paintings. which would have been sick. but that isn't the movie Iām watching. Which Iām reminded of when fucking Zack comes back on screen.
Also right before the scene where the actual bet is introduced we meet the schoolās resident DJ??? which isnāt important at all but is so strange that I feel the need to point it out. Like they donāt just have a guy who does the announcements they have like a disc jockey who is just there all the time??? There are just so many little things in this movie that make it so weird.
So fucking Brock pukashells pulls up and Zach just flips. Which is understandable it is a very gross moment but he just fucking goes off about Taylor and how sheās not that great and he could get with any girl in the school. His friends point out that bitch boy forgot that Taylor Vaughn isĀ āan institutionā and basically Zach with tits. Sheās very important. This is something I never get about movies like this, has anyone actually been to a high school where someone was that well known. But also not liked? Like sure sheās hot, but sheās also a grade A bitch to everyone. and according to Zach nothing more than a C minus GPA in a Wonderbra.Ā
Once you get through the misogyny plus ultra scene and they finally make the bet, frosted tips has picked the girl Zach has to turn into the prom queen. Scary inaccessible Laney Boggs. Heās got 6 weeks to make her popular. He starts off his first exchange with her in the best way possible. By calling her brother Spaz (as his name). Again, weāre supposed to like this guy I think.Ā I donāt know when heās supposed to become a likable character but I canāt imagine itās during all these scenes where he just legit insults people.
I also love all of the clips we get to see from Brockās time onĀ The Real WorldĀ Which make me really question why all the girls fan girl over him given that heās actually the worst, even on the show. We also get introduced to Zackās sister who probably should have been a lesbian given how queer coded her character is besides the fact that she desperately wants a boyfriend. She even goes to an all girls school it would have been perfect.Ā But alas, this movie is gay-less.
We are then introduced to another b-plot in this movie, Zackās indecision about college. This was I guess to make him more human? or something? To sort of flesh him out and give him problems but honestly he doesn't have any problems. Later in the movie Laney points this out to him, he can do whatever he wants. This whole college thing is resolved fairly quickly later in the film too, itās not very important itās just the only thing we see about Zack besides being a perfect high schooler throughout the whole movie. Well that and his terrible performance art and being an asshole.Ā
After we see that Zack has been accepted by every Ivy League school and their mother (Iām not jealous I swear) we take a brief Taylor being a bitch detour before getting back to Zack making an ass of himself. This time heās bothering Laney at her job which is awesome we love that. Again I donāt know why we like this guy he does like 3 nice things the whole movie. Anyway she gets defensive like she always does and he fumbles around trying to talk like heās a normal person and not a walking clichĆ© and then thereās this really strange exchange where he tries to asked her for help in art classes and she says āyou donāt take artā and heās likeĀ āhow do you know?ā and sheās likeĀ āWhy haven't I seen you in any of my classes?ā and like, I get what they were going for but what kind of high school is this? how does she have time to take more than one art class? How is she already an art major before sheās in college thatās not how high school works. I only ever had one school where I could take more than two extra curriculars and that was in middle school and it was only because they fucked up and put me in four hours of study hall and so I just went to all of the art classes that were offered. But thatās different. And am I way over analyzing this movie? yes. Does anyone but me care about this shit? probably not, but Iām gonna talk about it anyway.
I also really like Laneyās best friend whoās kind of just there, all the time, heās such a good wing man. He also made the best excuse to get out of seeing that weird ass art show sheās in. Heās like, oh good I donāt have to see another Mitch show. Heās probably in his underwear in all of them, I wouldnāt want to go either. I think it really says something about the performance art world though, because this is probably the most believable part of the whole movie. If someone told me that his is just an actual performance art piece that they used in this movie I would absolutely believe them. Also one of the weird gremlins in this piece says what is probably my favorite quote ever which isĀ āmy soul is an island, my car is a Fordā like what the fuck is that I love that so much.
I really want to know how they came up with this shit, itās so perfect. It also is another one of these parts in the movie that doesnāt really add anything. A lot of the movie is like this, I feel like 90% of this movie is weird filler scenes and the rest in plot. Like itās so obvious how itās going to end that you barely even need to watch most of the movie, and even when you do watch most of the movie it always kind of feels like it only half has something to do with the plot. Iām not even going to talk about the weird hacky Sack scene, I canāt handle how embarrassing and cringey it is I pretty much always skip through it. What a dick move of Laneyās to even put him in that situation. The whole āyour eyes are really beautifulā scene is also really strange, both his lines and her reaction donāt really make sense. Through most of this movie when they actually talk to each other I feel like they donāt have any chemistry.Ā Itās the same when he subtly blackmails her into going to the beach with him. Heās awkward and barely says anything that prompts a response and then she just goes full WOKE EMO on him and like, they really do have nothing in common I do not understand their relationship. And then his friends show up and heās like, āIf weāre gonna be friends weāll have to deal with them eventuallyā which like, 1: wow get some friends you actually like maybe? And 2: how are you guys friends, youāve barely ever managed to exchange civil words on screen. Actually maybe that makes sense, this is why he thinks this is okay (besides the whole bet thing) maybe he doesnāt realize heās supposed to actually like his friends and girlfriend. Because it really seems like he doesnāt like any of them, which I get. Except for Gus (not his name but whatever) because that guyās actually pretty funny and spends the whole movie calling frosted tips out whenever he sounds too much like Kenny from Canāt Hardly Wait.
The whole beach scene is kinda take it or leave it too, there are a lot of moments where we see Laney hang out with Zack and other people but honestly through the whole movie there really isnāt a whole lot of growth. We donāt actually really see them bond or talk, weāre supposed to believe their relationship is growing but I guess that must be happening off screen because I donāt see it.
One of my favorite parts is when Zack forces the JV soccer team to clean Laneyās house, the kid answering the jeopardy question and her dad just realizing they were there. Oh man, gets me every time. The makeover scene is also pretty cute, I always love those. Also the whole ānew, not improved, but different Laney Boggsā thing is adorable and I appreciate it.
The evolving of the characters and their relationships donāt happen gradually, what little is actually shown is pretty much in like 3 parts, the opening, the party scene, and the end. The characters are very flat for most of the movie and they have very little personality, but the party scene is very fun to watch. From āGracias, papi!ā to Laney turning Misty into a clown, and then the Give it to Me dance sequence. And even though the characters havenāt really given me a good reason to care about them my heart still hurts a little for Laney when Taylor ruins her dress. Thatās the thing about this movie, I shouldnāt care, I shouldnāt like these characters, but I still do, and I have no idea why.
The Brock dumping Taylor thing was great, the parallel was expected but I actually think it added to the story. In fact most of the things after the party actually feel necessary to the movie which is nice. Even the soccer practice actually leads to something. I donāt know what it is about the 2nd quarter of this movie that feels so empty but whatever it is itās enough that I saw a noticeable difference when I got to the third act of this movie.
Itās a small part but I also really love the alternative clubs that make signs in favor of Laney for prom queen. Theyāre just so fucking funny to me. I mean, Hygiene club? Prisoners club??? What?
Then they pull another fast feelings thing on me again. They throw the mom painting scene at me and like, wow thatās sad. Then Zack tries to garner sympathy for the problems that he makes for himself. Then boom they flip on me again theyāre cute and I like them. Then she says that weird thing about prom and he just dips man. And like, Why do they gotta do me like that? I cannot seem to decide if I like these characters or not itās so weird how this dialogue is written.
And then the dream happens? Definitely one of the best scenes in the whole movie. So fucking perfect. It really just adds to the weird slight surrealness of this whole movie.
Then we go back to the school and suddenly everyone is dressing like Laney? In support I guess? Again can I just ask what fucking school they go to? And then thereās the beat boxing scene? Where they rap about whoās gonna be prom queen? Iāve never even met anybody that invested in the outcome of whoās gonna be prom queen except for those running. I donāt even think I know anybody who voted. Even so, I do love the beat box scene, they really spit some bars.
Also I just noticed that in that super fucked cafeteria scene, you can see Buffy make a cameo? Just a fun little trivia fact. But seriously that cafeteria scene is fucked. Like, the pubes on the pizza? I wish no one had thought of that ever. Also can I just say I would undoubtedly rather get my ass kicked than be forced to eat pubes. I donāt know what they were thinking that isnāt even a question.
Itās also really uncomfortable how good frosted tips is at acting like heās not a douchebag. What a creep. If that were a real guy Iād be tempted to call him a sociopath. So gross. But I suppose itās good for the story line.
The end of the movie wraps up pretty fast honestly. Zackās dad and him finally communicate which fixes Zackās only problem immediately because thatās just how easy it is. He was just projecting the whole time, his dad had literally no problems other than being a typical rich dad. Then of course we get another moment with the school DJ who I guess just gets to play and say what ever he wants whenever he wants. Am I the only one who thinks itās really inappropriate how sexual that guyās announcements about prom are? Maybe itās just me and I had a really different high school experience but I feel like people are way too focused on sex when they make movies about high school. Other shit was going on you know? Itās just odd for me to think about grown adults writing and pitching this movie.
Zack really is such a bitch boy though, he doesnāt even try to explain anything to her, just lets her get hurt and lets Taylor be a bitch to her without saying anything. He doesnāt even try to tell her that frosted tips was just as much a part of it as he was. Honestly I kind of wish that frosted tips wasnāt such an asshole his whole heart to heart with her at the door before prom could have been really cute if I didnāt already know he was a lying scumbag. But I guess Laney just gets the lesser of the douchebags.
We finally get to the prom, inarguably the best part of the whole movie, all the little bits and pieces. The sex doll guy is always funny as hell. The DJ being the school DJ works really well brings a lot of closure to that whole weirdness. Also that dance scene is fucking great, has absolutely nothing to do with the plot, which actually works since about 40% of the things in this movie have nothing to do with the plot of this movie. I absolutely unironically tried to learn this dance, man I fucking wish prom was actually like this. I donāt know about you guys but for me, both of my proms were not nearly this theatrical. I spent my first one playing black jack the whole time and my senior prom was full of people that were way too white to dance. Anyway, Laney doesnāt win and she leaves early. Zack gives a pretty boring speech. Taylor goes off on everyone. Frosted tips tries to get Laney in bed and everyone gets upset.
The whole thing ends with Laney coming home to find Zach waiting for her to make sure sheās okay, which is sweet and all but like I canāt help wondering how long he had just been standing there waiting. Especially since it seemed like her dad was just ignoring him. Thatās just a funny image to me. Anyway, they dance in the backyard. They kiss. Itās cute. Zack loses the bet so he accepts his diploma naked which Iām pretty sure is indecent public exposure but sure.
Overall itās a very cute movie. The clichĆ©s are sort of made up for by all the weird 90s movie things. Plus it has a pretty great soundtrack. I know I sort of really went in on this movie but to be honest I really enjoy watching it. Iām not sure why. Itās pretty bad when you think about it any deeper than surface level. But itās also just really fun and the characters are weird and thereās too many duffel bags to be normal and itās just funny. Itās really weirdly funny. And it has that same non-conclusion that a lot of teen rom-coms have where they just canāt really give you all that much and just make sure theyāre happy even if you know there is no way they can continue a relationship outside of high school. It may sound like it, but Iām not mad at it. If you havenāt already Iād say watch it. Watch it as a relaxing mindless good time activity. At the very least you wonāt be bored, but if you get sympathy embarrassment like I do then maybe skip a few parts.
As of right now this movie is not available for free on any streaming sites (yes I own it on DVD donāt @ me)
Final Verdict:
Actual movie review: 6/10
How fun is it to watch?: 8/10
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