mother-daughter-club

[mother-daughter-club]

How to repair terrible relationship with mom

I really have very heavy problems with my mom. It's totally complicated.

All my life I was very close to her. She gave me a lot. I am her only child and she was always obsessed to have only one child. My mom is divorced and always had very bad relationship with men. That has influenced my life.

She puts a lot of pressure on me to have a family. I got a boyfriend and got pregnant at 29. We got married, but then I insisted on divorce. Why? I didn't want to leave my mom alone (she again has put a lot of pressure on me). She now takes care of my daughter.

Then I was dating (for 7 years) another man. My mom and he became kind of friends. I always wanted another child, but somehow I did not feel that this boyfriend would be my long-lasting partner. Then I got pregnant again. I lost the baby and got a serious depression.

Then my mom got a nervous break down. For 5 years she is now on pills, having serious nervous problems, attacks etc...

When we are together, there are moments, which are good, but sometimes she begins to tell me (not directly), how my life is a failure. And how her only hope is her granddaughter (13 years now), how she will marry soon, have children...

I feel that my life is a failure. I unwillingly have repeated the life of my mom!

 I really hate my mom sometimes. This weekend we were on a short trip.

We really wanted to enjoy the trip and have a good relationship. But it was worse then ever!

I wanted even that she disappears from earth. Or that I escape somewhere very far away from here, to another country!!!

I have said to her most terrible words (for example, that she is an old bitch).

My mom will die (she is 73 now) and I feel so guilty how bad I have treated her, but I can’t control myself when I am for a longer period with her.  My life is not happy.

How can I repair my terrible relationship with her, if there is any solution at all?!! I can't leave her, she has only me. Please help me with your advice.

Rose

  Dear Rose

Feels like you inherited the same life patterns of your mom. It is like a computer program that runs on its own and if you don’t do anything, it will continue like that.

So how to stop this pattern?

Absolute love will cure everybody, everything anybody and anything!

So start accepting and loving yourself. Forgive yourself for all things you consider to be failures and less than perfect.

Now this is the plan:

Role reversal.

You becoming the mother of your mother.

Sounds silly?

Just be the mother to her and mother her.  Love her like you wanted to be loved as a daughter.

Be compassionate. Treat her like you treat your daughter (hopefully lovingly!)

Pour love in the relationship with your mother and you will NOT feel guilty when she is gone.

And maybe, just maybe you will have the best moments with your mom of your life….consider this as a real possibility!

Lots of love,

Victoria Arlin