mothcantfly

[mothcantfly]

today was literally the worst day ever. I got humiliated by my German teacher who dislikes me (probably racist cause he never acts like that to the white people in my class). He yelled at me and degraded me and thought it was funny after. So obviously I had to cry so I just left.

then I had to come back after school, to talk about a grade of mine... I wanted it higher so I needed to talk to the guidance woman with 2 other people that were part of my group. And everytime I talked, the woman talked over me and wouldn't let me finish. Even when it was silent, I talked and she just cut me off and acted like I wasn't there; focusing on the girl to my left.

Why do I always get targeted by teachers? is it because I'm small and anxious so I'm easy to be hostile to? is it because of my race because I'm not a tidy white girl? I know I'm sensitive, but today it felt like every adult was against me today.

I have a headache.

[mothcantfly]

I went to school for 2 whole weeks, except I'll be calling in sick tomorrow as a mental health day... but I'm pretty proud of myself

[mothcantfly]

my new OC I drew in German class lol. He goes by He/him and he's 20. His name is AJ or Jin.

[mothcantfly]

my mom has always been the biggest attention whore. She makes most situations about herself and says she got multiple things because she wants attention from others. For example, a couple months ago she said she has ADHD (not ever diagnosed) and she says she has it because she "sometimes can't focus". Don't make me fucking laugh.

and today she said she has a lazy eye, just because she had it when she was younger. She taped her other eye off and looked like an idiot so I said something of it.

And she's a scorpio, so of course she decided to trash on my anxiety disorder and said I faked my depression. Always attacking back like there's no tomorrow.

We got into a fight, which is not good for me because I get incredibly aggressive when angry- so I went upstairs. She said my behaviour was sad because I went upstairs. But she should be glad I went, cause I was seconds away from slicing her throat :)

[mothcantfly]

I always get PTSD flashbacks when my mom is angry and she slaps me again. The way I stop getting overruled by negative emotions and getting in a hateful headspace, is by slicing my hand... hmm auch.

anyway this song is very good for brain scratch, ur welcome

[mothcantfly]

today my mom asked for my pronouns for some reason. I said that most of my friends use they/them for me and also online friends. she didn't really answer after... I think she found the topic awkward

[mothcantfly]

my new divorced neighbour is listening to 80s music right now while he's working on the garden... idk might bag a dilf 🙄

[mothcantfly]

bruh I had my German speaking test today at 9.00 am and I accidentally came at 9.03

than this cunt of a teacher said I was a whole 5 minutes late, and then decided to give me a whole fucking speech instead of just beginning with the fucking test.

like mf took the time to shit on me- instead of actually beginning and then he blames me for screwing up his time schedule. Sir, I was 3 minutes too late- ur shitting on me for a good 8 minutes... stfu

I hate old people sometimes. they get so angry at the littlest things like fucker- just retire

[mothcantfly]

instead of gaming to help me with charging up my serotonin, I tried skating. got the idea from sk8 the infinity lmao don't judge

it's a super old board from my grandparents- probably atleast 9 years old but it's kinda fun I guess. sometimes with practising tricks I fall, but I actually don't mind. it makes me feel a bit alive :)

and yes those are my feet.

[mothcantfly]

I'm stressed

[mothcantfly]

I'm honestly really bad at showing affection. either I don't show any, or I do it too aggressive and make the other person upset... aaaa it's never right

anyway, if any of u play genshin impact I'd love to play together :)

[mothcantfly]

fucking god I don't want tomorrow to come. I'm in my 3rd quarterly exams (idk if that makes sense) and I'm dreading the fact that I actually have to sit down and study- my brain and body are so unmotivated and numb I can't even get up out of bed, it's pathetic.

I'm gonna try whatever I can to make the most out of my tests, but aah fuck lol. Most of the tests this week will be like verbal ones; meaning I have to speak in different languages (French, German, etc)

we had so many lockdowns in my country, and just teachers not showing up- and then we're expected to speak in a completely different language for 20 minutes. school didn't teach me jack shit and it pisses me off. I want to learn languages- I love other languages. but if u had to ask me how to say a simple sentence in French, I couldn't fucking tell you

the education system needs to get better. like, I'm taking French for 4 years now... can I speak it? absolutely not lmao

[mothcantfly]

aaah I self harmed today after being clean for a long time, but whatever. I've also never seen the appeal to cut my wrists tbh so I never did. For some reason, I always cut my hand with a needle. They're like deep cat scratches now.

idk why I do it that way hehe

[mothcantfly]

the voice in my head has been extremely negative lately. more aggressive, menacing and just plain rude.

most of the time I can ignore it's requests and unpleasant remarks. But sometimes there will be moments that I can't help it, and I'll do the things it tells me to do.

[mothcantfly]

goat boy go brrr

no repost pls hehe

[mothcantfly]

Shit lol. I went to school yesterday and thought I was okay, but I completely broke down this morning infront of my mom.

I feel really pathetic that I can't even get up out of bed, or care for myself. I really want to pass my exams though, so I'm allowed to do online school for this week but still be present for tests and such.

I really thought I could do it. Just get up, make myself ready and go. But for some reason my mind stops me and my body feels heavy. The thing is that I don't even have it that hard- there are probably so many people that have depression as well but are in an even worse situation, so I sometimes feel like I'm not allowed to be depressed. Yet people will say "no your feelings are valid", which is true- but I still feel pathetic about the fact that I can't handle life at this moment.

[mothcantfly]

this song is very nice. i like it