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[mostofthethingsishouldntsay]

November 14th, 2022

Today is Monday & I find myself recovering from the worst week of my life. I think it's about time where I keep a diary again to contain all of my secrets and emotions because in truth I just can't handle bottling them in anymore.

To start it all off, this wreckage of emotions began with my period never arriving. Two negative pregnancy tests & a 'Plan B' pill prove that I am not pregnant, but with all these hormones flowing through my body, I can't even keep up with myself. What I really need is some understanding, empathy, and a support system but I can't seem to find that in anyone. Not even my boyfriend.

Marty has been an on-and-off "good" boyfriend. But I feel safe to say it here. I resent him.

I resent and do not love my own boyfriend, Martin R. Mosher.

Wow... Now that it's out there and I can see those words, I feel like a relief has been placed off of my shoulders. Maybe there was a time when I used to love him, but I haven't felt anything like that since summer. I stay away from my phone on most days so I don't have to respond to messages or text him. I go to school and enjoy my time to myself. Isn't it funny that school is my only escape from him now? It has to be because he can't call my school to find me like he does at BOTH of my jobs now. He always thinks of ways to find me. Even when I block him. He always finds a way to manipulate situations to get to me. To make me a bad person.

I guess that's what I am though. I am a bad person. I love it. Since when was the world in favor of good girls?

Anyway, putting the no-show period and raging hormones aside, Marty is just the worst. His fat fuck of a stepmom contacted my mother to get information about the nature of our relationship. He has apparently been lying about talking to other girls while dating me. I don't even believe him when he tells me that it was just something he made up to get his dad off of his back. I know he's been cheating on me. That's part of the reason why I loathe him so much nowadays. But he isn't the only player in this game. I have other options that I keep at arm's length. The only difference between him and me is that I used to be really proud to call him my boyfriend. I always talk about him, have pictures of him up, set him as my lock screen on everything, etc, etc... but he's a foul human being who disrespects me and treats me like dirt. He didn't even tell his parents he loved me. There is just no way in hell that Marty is an endgame. I have to accept that.

He's nice to have around for now. He's someone to buy me nice things, give me affirmations every now and then, and have sex with once or twice a month when I get to see him & that's good enough for me. But this past week has really proved to me that he's just a straight-up loser. He cusses me out every single day. He yells at me. He blames me for everything. He doesn't share the same level of understanding as I do for him. He is just a 23-Year Old baby that lives with his mom. He thinks he's made of money & yet he can't buy us a house, let alone a HOTEL to stay at for a few days. He can afford whatever he wants though. He's spoiled... Spoiled is what he is. He apparently had TWO Occulus Rifts. He had me buy him one, putting me in a brief financial crisis while he knew he had one all along. I've never been more disgusted by him in my life. Maybe once. Maybe the day I caught him watching porn in our bathroom.

He's just... such a friggin loser. I am so embarrassed that he's the guy I'm with right now. Max said that he would be happy to hook me up with Gem... but I'm starting to think that maybe emo/punk boys are not it. I do love them and think they are sexy as fuck, but if they're anything like Marty going forward... then I can't do it. The baggage, the abuse, the fighting... it's all so fucking hard to deal with. I can't stand that guy anymore. Even the sex is just a little above average. I've cum harder just listening to Corpse Husband songs.

I keep asking myself why I stay with him when I despise him so much. I know my worth, I know there are other guys, and I even know who does and doesn't want me at the moment, but I stay with Marty regardless. Maybe I enjoy the pain, maybe I don't recognize I have the ability to move forward, or maybe I simply need a placeholder in my life right now.

But... I also do have this tiny, tiny, TEENY voice in the back of my head screaming out at me to hold on. That MAYBE someday he will grow up and change and be the perfect guy again and I will fall in love with him all over again. All I have to do is wait. But waiting is hard & I find myself losing patience for that. Maybe I can wait.

I don't want to though.