moriens-corde-blog

[moriens-corde-blog]

06.07.2018 6.07pm

Today, I suddenly felt sick, like I wanted to vomit. I feel lost and so very lonely. I feel like drowning in a sea full of people. I'm so alone. I'm tired.

[moriens-corde-blog]

06.02.2018 8.21pm

Tonight I drank my very first dose of clonazepam, an anti-anxiety drug, a sedative to help me sleep. To be honest, I'm scared I might be sensitive to it, so much that I wouldn't be able to wake up in the morning.

[moriens-corde-blog]

05.30.2018 1.02am

I'm ok. Not really. Barely alive. Just surviving. Still trying to fight with what little I have left.

[moriens-corde-blog]

05.28.2018 10.07pm

What does my existence even mean? I feel like I shouldn't have been born at all. I'm alone 90% of the time. I have no real, close friends I can talk to about anything. I am ashamed of myself. I have no confidence. I don't feel worth anything. WHY AM I EVEN ALIVE?! why am I even here? Why do I even go to work everyday? To gain money for the momentary happiness found in food and material things. I should just disappear already. I should just go drink a bottle of sleeping pills, weight and throw myself into the ocean to drown asleep.

[moriens-corde-blog]

05.27.2018 9.25pm

I feel tired fighting the fight. It's a struggle. I am unmotivated and unhappy. My life is empty. Everyday has become tedious and boring. I'm afraid that one day I might decide to take my own life without second thoughts.

[moriens-corde-blog]

05.23.2018 12:31am

I easily get intensely interested in things and I also just as easily lose interest. Maybe that's why it's difficult for me to keep relationships.

[moriens-corde-blog]

05.21.2018

I think that if I stopped caring or craving for food, that's the moment that things will definitely either go great or go to hell.

[moriens-corde-blog]

[moriens-corde-blog]

05.11.2018

Funny that my last post was more than a year ago (actually, a year and a day ago lol) and it's also funny that I'm still as lonely as ever. I used to have close friends. Good friends that I once hung out with on a regular basis but none close enough to see my darkness. Now I have the casual kind of friends. Close enough to hang out with but not enough to be considered best. I am close to no one and the reality of it is very lonely. I dare not expose the deep pit inside me, the filth and horror. I have yet to experience that kind of acceptance perhaps because time and time again I am betrayed. I speak of my heart to the vast internet where everything is seen yet unseen but I can't ever voice out to any living human. Each time I try to open up, nobody bothers to listen so I give up. I give up and give up and give up. There's no end to the loneliness.

[moriens-corde-blog]

5.10.2017

You don't learn distrust and betrayal from strangers. You have to learn to trust someone before you will know betrayal. Everything you learn in life, you learn first at home.

[moriens-corde-blog]

4.24.2017

Liking someone is well and good but the loneliness gets to you eventually.

[moriens-corde-blog]

4.24.2017

I realize...if you like someone you'd probably take or make chances to see that person. The same could be said for someone who likes you. They will take or make any chance they get to see you. The only sad reality is if you're the only one making and taking chances. It would only mean they're not interested at all. I wish I wasn't capable of being attracted to anyone, stay apathetic to romantic notions. I'm only hurting myself.

[moriens-corde-blog]

4.24.2017

Somehow I feel like I'm being taunted mercilessly by fate everytime I see the person I like. As if it's mockingly saying "Enjoy looking at him while you still can 'cuz gurl he ain't gonna ever like you back". Or some shit like that anyway. I wish I wasn't affected by these things. For one it's annoying, two it's very annoying, and three it's absolutely annoying! Gaddamnit!

[moriens-corde-blog]

4.22.17

I realized that if a friend has a crush on the same person as me, I somehow feel sad. I go thinking that they're a better "catch" than I am and how insecure it makes me feel. Sad because the guy I like will probably like my friend better than me. Maybe if I fall so desperately in love I would stop eating. Or loving to eat and then maybe that would push me. I don't know.

[moriens-corde-blog]

I feel so horribly empty right now. I'm missing so many things. It feels like my life is meaningless. I have no passion. I have no real reason to keep existing except the promise of death.

[moriens-corde-blog]

Looking back, I’ve had quite a troubled childhood. But not in the way most troubled childhoods are. I was exposed to unnecessary influences that shaped my psyche. I remember stealing and being volatile and taking it out on my cousin. No one reprimanded me so much because I was also a child then. I remember envying her for things I couldn’t have. Like the Disney shampoo that my aunt put in a high place but I took because I wanted to try it too. She figured out as most adults do and took away the shampoo. I remember stealing a wallet I really liked at a neighbors local shop but threw it away amongst the countless boxes at our bodega because I knew it was wrong and I felt guilty. I also remember playing with the neighborhood boys who could’ve molested or raped me had they wanted to. Good thing they weren’t into kids. But the neighborhood uncle though, he took a swipe at my private part whenever he had a chance. He must’ve been a pervert and I didn’t really understand at that time. Maybe he would’ve raped me too if he had the chance.

[moriens-corde-blog]

I wish I still had friends I hang out with. I was beginning to have friends again but I chose to be transferred to another department. Now I feel so alone. I don't even have anyone I can eat out with after work. No one bothers to invite me.