moonyhaze

[moonyhaze]

The Sorrows of Satan (1926)

[moonyhaze]

Idk

Literally wtf. Wtf. Wtf. Wtf. I feel like I’m losing my god damn mind. I think I AM losing my mind. I fucking hate everyone. I don’t trust anybody. Everybody is so fucking self centered and selfish. Nobody is thoughtful or considerate of anything. I can’t believe how lonely I have been. think I might have actually been safer when I was in a relationship because at least someone was there. He hated me, but at least there was someone coexisting because my biggest fear is being alone. Because I’m afraid of myself. Then again, Im just completely fucking delusional. My depression is getting so so so bad the more that I realize how fucking alone I am. I want to blow my fucking lid off. I hate everyone and everything so much. There’s only one person that I love. There’s only one person who makes me feel safe and one person who is there for me and makes me feel special. There’s only one person that I can’t live without. Fuck the rest. I’m going through the HARDEST time in my life and where tf is everyone. I’m so fucking sad that I have been turning to alcohol lately. I’ve never done that in my entire fucking life. Not even when I thought I was ROCK BOTTOM. The crazy thing is that I just want somebody to be here for me. I don’t want anything special. I just need some help. Someone to listen to me and someone to see me and recognize me. Everyone is just so desensitized though. They’re too caught up in their own god damn lives that they don’t give af about the next person. Even if the next person is someone who has been there for you and who has loved you through and through. Idk but I don’t feel like there’s anybody like me out there. I feel like I am super thoughtful and patient. I have a super fucking kind heart. The way that people have been treating me though is disgusting. I’m so disgusted by everyone. I’m scared because I feel like I’m going to die and I don’t want to die. The fact that I don’t have anyone to text “sos” to is so crazy to me. The only thing I have right now is this fucking post. I could possibly die. I just did try to text someone and. I feel so stupid about it because that person is someone I just met not too long ago. That person is also the most beautiful person I’ve met in a long time. I hope I can keep this person.

[moonyhaze]

These months have been some of the most hurtful, fearful, traumatic months of my life. I started to get angry. I started to get angry with everything and around me, but mostly with myself. I’m not angry anymore. I’m not angry anymore because being angry with myself won’t get me anywhere. Being angry with myself won’t fix my mistakes. Instead I am filled with gratitude. I am filled with so much gratified that I decided to forgive myself. I need to forgive myself in order to correct myself and be better for the ones I love and for myself too. I am eternally grateful for all of the love I have received. I’ve never been loved in such a way. I am eternally greatful for all of the experiences that I have to keep with me as memories. I am grateful for the trust and the time and the effort that has been put into me. Sometimes I’m wrong. I don’t know what to do. I get scared and I screw up. I get so caught up in trying to be “perfect” that I lose sight of the fact that you don’t care if I’m perfect. You care if I’m me. I lost track. My love was always pure and it always will be. I was never, nor will I ever be, dishonest about my heart. My heart is in the right place, but my brain was in the dirt. Coming out of this, I am a better version of myself. I am a true version of myself. There’s still a lot that I need to work on, I’m aware. I’m going to do just that. I don’t want to be dishonest with myself anymore. I don’t want to let fear take over me anymore. I am going to brave and I am going to be strong. I am going to be me. I am never ashamed of my love. So with this, all of my love to you.

[moonyhaze]

Today was a bad day. These days have been bad days. I try to keep track of the good days but sometimes it just gets hard man. Am I ungrateful and full of shit? I don’t know. I don’t think so. Sometimes I think I make my own self feel this way. I put myself into situations I know are going to end badly. I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t care or if it’s because I think that’s what I deserve. They say that you only accept the love that you think you deserve. How does that even make sense though. I don’t think there’s a such thing as “bad love”? Love isn’t supposed to be bad. Right? I mean what do I know really. I’m afraid that I won’t ever be able to get out of this state of mind. I thought it was getting better for a while but I feel it getting bad again. That’s the thing though, I know that things can’t stay “good” but how tf am I supposed to deal. I almost slit my wrists the other day again. I didn’t do it. I’m not sure why. I think I will do it again.

[moonyhaze]

Park the car at the side of the road You should know Time's tide will smother you And I will too When you laugh about people who feel so Very lonely Their only desire is to die Well, I'm afraid It doesn't make me smile I wish I could laugh, but that joke isn't funny anymore It's too close to home And it's too near the bone It's too close to home And it's too near the bone More than you'll ever know ...Kick them when they fall down Kick them when they fall down You kick them when they fall down Kick them when they fall down You kick them when they fall down Kick them when they fall down You kick them when they fall down Kick them when they fall down. It was dark as I drove the point home And on cold leather seats Well, it suddenly struck me I just might die with a smile on my Face after all. I've seen this happen in other people's Lives And now it's happening in mine. I've seen this happen in other people's Lives And now it's happening in mine. I've seen this happen in other people's Lives And now it's happening in mine. I've seen this happen in other people's Lives And now it's happening in mine Oh ...I've seen this happen in other people's Lives Oh ... And now it's happening in mine Happening in mine Happening in mine Happening in mine Happening in mine. I've seen this happen in other people's Lives Oh... And now, now, now it's happening in mine (I've seen this happen) Happening in mine Oh...now, now. I've seen this happen in other people's Lives Oh... And now it's happening in mine (Happen) Happening in mine Oh... Happening in mine Happening in mine Happening in mine. I've seen this happen in other people's Lives Oh... And now, now, now it's happening in mine Happening in mine Mine, mine Happening in mine

[moonyhaze]

Changes

Today is Nov 20, 2020. I just want to talk a little bit about this year... It’s crazy because this year has actually been just like the others. Now I don’t want to say that it’s been the same for everyone,  but for a lot of us, it’s  really exactly the fucking same. The only difference this year is that we are actually fucking aware of what’s going on around us. We decided to step out of our bubble of oblivion. Of course that does not mean that we all suddenly turned into educated aware human beings. Not at all. About 90% of us are just going along with what all the actual educated aware people are saying for once in our lives. Some of us actually willing to be enlightened and some just going along to get by. This year has been filled with heartbreak, despair, confusion, and a  test of our strength and will. We have been put through some of the most challenging tests of our lives. One of them being, “who am I?, what do I believe in and what do I stand for?’ That’s a question that drives people fucking insane. This year has been nothing but evidence that vouches for that statement. We are in the middle of a global pandemic, a civil rights movement, and ecological movement. A lot of amazing things that have stemmed from these movements and a lot of havoc to go along with it. We have lost friends/family this year. Some we lost physically and some we lost emotionally/mentally. For me personally, I lost mentally and emotionally. I lost myself, I lost friends and I lost family. To say that it has been painful is an understatement. This year has brought some of the worst paint that I have ever felt in my life. I have been hospitalized, put on mental health medications, and referred to a psychiatrist/therapist. It’s fucking draining. You know fucking what though? It’s OKAY. Who tf said that we had to have our shit together at every second of everyday? I think that it’s pretty damn brave and admirable. I say that because it takes a lot of energy, will and confidence to come to terms with the things that have been haunting you. It takes all of that to come to terms with it and it takes an even bigger strength to talk about it and tell your story. The fear of not being accepted, believed or understood will eat you alive. It is something that will be questioned for weakness. I am here to tell you that this is the strongest that you have ever been. Take your time. Allow yourself to feel and allow yourself to heal. Allow yourself to be heard and allow others to help you. Even if that means walking into a hospital and telling them that if they don’t help you right now you’re going to fucking kill yourself, which was the case for me. Don’t allow yourself to become your own worst enemy. Don’t give a fuck who comes along for the ride and who won’t. Don’t be poisoned with ignorance. This is your story and this is your life. Your experiences shape you into who you are, they do not define who you are. There is time and there is a way. The only validity that you need is your own. Be who you want to be. Stand for what you want to stand for. Say what you want to say. You are here. You are alive. You’re being heard. Words are one of the most powerful things in the world. You can change lives with your words and you can change your own life too. Once you manifest your words,  you can turn them into a reality. One step at a time, we will break the habit. Look around you, is the world really fucked? Or is it just what WE (generally speaking) have created for ourselves? Now we don’t have to safe the entire fucking world, none of that bullshit... But save yourself and create a different reality for yourself. Changes, let’s make some changes.

[moonyhaze]

Freddy

You know the theme song for Freddy Krueger?

“One, two Freddy’s coming for you.

Three, four, better lock your door

Five, six, grab your crucifix

Seven, eight, gonna stay up late

Nine, ten, never sleep again.”

This is EXACTLY how I feel about my depression/anxiety.

[moonyhaze]

Their kindness is charade ☠️

Crystal castles

[moonyhaze]

Get free

Get free - Major Lazer. That song hits me deep in my soul. “Look at me, I just can’t believe what they’ve done to me. We can never get free.” Those are some of the most relatable words that I have ever heard. “Look at me I just can’t believe what they’ve done to me....” I sing it out loud and I think of all of the demons that I’ve collected off of other souls. I’m not talking about the people though, it’s the demons. Look at what they have done to me. They have possessed me. This it what real possession looks like, not like what you see in the movies; me I’m what it looks like. They’re talking to me everyday in my head. They tell me I’m not good enough. They tell me that I’m selfish. They tell me that I’m not smart enough. They tell me that my love isn’t good enough. They tell me that I’m ugly. They tell me that I am the very epitome of all of the things I always wished I’d never become. They’re taking over my body. I can’t sleep. I can’t talk. I can’t think. I can’t focus. I can’t deal. I don’t have my own soul. I don’t have my own personality anymore. I can feel myself losing touch with the real world. “What will I do without my dreams...” I’m losing touch with the real world and all i ever dream about is being able to be “normal.” Now I’m losing touch and it becomes harder and harder for me to find my way back to the real world. I’m lost now in the depth of my self loath, I don’t have any dreams anymore. So what will I do without my dreams? I drown and I let them take over. “We can never get free...” Now this is when I start to worry. I feel like I am stuck. I’m below 6ft under. The demons are their strongest now and they’re not letting me go. My freedom will cost me my life because they will fight me to the death. I can’t breathe. I can’t see. I can’t speak. I can’t think. I’m having an anxiety attack. I’m trying to dig myself out of my grave. I’m scratching at the walls of my soul. They’re dragging me down. I’m suffocating in the dirt. I don’t even get to take a glimpse at fresh air. This is not me anymore. I am being possessed. I come out of my anxiety attack, finally. I’m bleeding. I have no energy. I took the last bit of life with me that I had but that isn’t much anymore. Each time I come out of an anxiety attack, it take a piece of me with it. That’s the scary part of it all. You literally get to see yourself losing yourself. You watch it all happen right before your eyes, but you weren’t strong enough to keep hold of the grip. Now that’s not your fault, if you just had someone... “How long, how long till we have a friend...” Maybe, just maybe if I’d of had somebody by my side I wouldn’t of gotten dragged in the first place. If I had somebody to confide in. If I had somebody to guide me. If I had somebody who believed in me the way I used to believe in myself.... Now I’m sitting here getting consumed by the darkness that lies within the depths of soul. I can’t feel my tears rolling down my cheeks anymore.

[moonyhaze]

Nonexistent

People always tell you not to apologize for being yourself. Being yourself is what drove them away too.

[moonyhaze]

de·mon1

/ˈdēmən/Submit

Learn to pronounce

noun

1.

an evil spirit or devil, especially one thought to possess a person or act as a tormentor in hell.

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[moonyhaze]

Surfaces

I feel like every single one of these posts are going to be a new entry about how I’m crazy in a different way. Sometimes I feel like I’m complaining, but shit... This is just my life. Have you ever repressed a memory so far in your head that whenever the thought actually managed to surface; you couldn’t help but wonder if it was even ever true? You’ve never said it out loud; not to anybody else and most certainly not to yourself. The more it lurks in the darkest part of your mind, the more and more you find it harder to believe it yourself. The reason you can’t believe it is the reason why you repressed it in the first place. So am I crazy? Am I mental? Or am I just merely fucked up? Guess what. Now it’ll never be anything more than a thought because you yourself destroyed any possibility of it actually existing. That’s what you thought you wanted.... but when it surfaces, it’s suffocating you now. It’s eating your brain and it’s eating your heart and it’s eating your soul. It’s scratching at the walls of your vulnerability. Okay now something triggered it. All of a sudden it’s more real than it’s ever been. It’s like you’re experiencing it all over again, except this time it’s inside of you. Now you’re looking at the reason why it was triggered. You’re contemplating rather to be angry or if you’re just fucking insane. The trigger is disguised again. Everything is normal and again, are you fucking insane?

[moonyhaze]

I’m strange and nobody remembers my name

[moonyhaze]

Who am I now?

So it has been years. How many? I’m not too sure. With that sad, I have much more experience to share with you all. Not that I think that anybody will ever read this... Who knows. Maybe someday somebody will. Either way I’d still like to share my thoughts even if it’s only with myself. Writing is a beautiful and powerful form of expression. I don’t know how to express myself at all and that’s why i have resorted to writing again. I am 20 years old now and I honestly have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. I know that at this age it’s not what’s expected of me. But you see at this time in my life a lot of stuff is confusing. A part is me is thinking, “What the fuck are you doing Hazel, you’re not getting any younger.” Then the other half of me wants to accept the fact that I AM young and it is okay to receive help. How do I accept something that has never been offered to me though? Growing up both of my parents were absent. My dad built a whole new family and forgot who I was and my mother is a heavy alcoholic. Growing up I’ve always felt alone in everything that I’ve ever done. I always had to be there to pick MYSELF up. I have never felt like anything that I do is important or worthy of any type of reaction. Because I’m just me. Who is “me” though? I still don’t know and I’m not sure if I’m getting closer or further to the answer with each day that passes me by. I have this image of myself whom i think that i could possibly fall in love with but the person who is actually being reflected back at me is someone that I’ve always fucking hated. She is a person that on the outside looks like tough shit but on the inside is rotting away with every demon that consumes her mind. There are people that tell me that I am what you can call amazing, but those are the same people that actually cannot stand me. So do they just love the thought of me? and do I, myself, just love simply the thought of me? I’m a hippie loving freak. Peace and love is my motto and I can do no harm to anyone. In REALITY I am depressed. I am anxious. I hate myself. I harm MYSELF. So am I merely just a THOUGHT of what I’d LIKE to be? I reflect it on others but never on my actual self. I once had a teacher who called me a “floater.” Initially hearing that I was very fucking upset because who fucking says that right? Really though, I was more upset to come to find out that she was sooooo right. Alright, who am I fucking kidding, I just figured this out NOW (this exactly wtf I mean) What she meant is that I don’t even really exist. As fucked up as it sounds she was right.... Stay tuned for my next blog where I explain wtf it means to not exist. Also i dont know why my font changed.... I’m not tech savvy.

[moonyhaze]

Aerial View of the “Underwater Waterfall” optical illusion at Mauritius Island

[moonyhaze]

[moonyhaze]

Bad Luck

I am the girl that believes in bad luck. I’d love to think that there’s some kind of practical explanation for everything that happens, but that’s just not the case (at least not in my opinion). I wouldn’t say that I’m religious of any sort, just spiritual. In my mind, there’s a positive and negative force in the universe. What it might be? I’m not sure. The negativity, has definitely got a hold on my life. People tell me that life doesn’t give you what you cannot handle, I guess that’s true since I’ve survived a lot of the curve balls thrown at me. You know how some people’s experiences make them stronger? I’m not sure if that’s true for me. I’m definitely a better person because of the things that I have been through, but strong, brave or confident? Not at all. Does that make me weak? In some ways yes. I’m weak in the sense that I care too much. I care too much for people. Not any particular people, I just care a lot for everybody and if you’ve lived for longer than a few years, it could be argued that not everybody is worthy of being cared for. I don’t think that’s true, but there sure are a lot of bad people in the world that don’t necessarily deserve sympathy and compassion due to some of their actions. I believe in bad luck because I’m what you call, hopeless. If I hope pray and wish with all my heart that something won’t happen to me, most likely it’s happening to me! I’ll pray to whatever is out there that I won’t get hurt anymore, and then someone goes and breaks my heart into a billion pieces. I guess that’s just what goes along with caring so much. You care, you give and get your heart broken repeatedly until you find someone that will break the cycle. I’m still looking…. but bad luck.