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[moonofinfinity]

28.01.19

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4ja8054W5Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERXind9P79w

This will be easy for you. You’re a strong-willed guy with appraisable resilience and you’ve said it multiple times already that you’re good at not caring, so i know this will be easy for you. Everyday ive asked for courage to do this. It seems like all the effort ive done to be better from back then has been slowly getting stripped off away from me violently and i know if this continues, one day ill be left with nothing and back to where i was.

You see, i think we both know that im the one who’s scared to let go. To let go of you. Again. I only realised that the other day. See, you can walk away anytime, because you can, that’s you. That’s your personality, who you can be. If i tell you to go, without hesitation you’ll go. But for me, because i still have you deep within my heart, i dont want to lose you again even if right now the only thing i have of you is a fragment— like a shard from a broken glass. A fragment that im holding onto so hard that blood would trickle down my hands from the broken edges. There were times when i would ask, ‘why did you come back’ and i did ask you that. Your answer didn’t suffice. I was selfish. It didn’t satisfy the whirlwind of thoughts in my head. But then again maybe it’s on me. For re-opening the doors as i did say in my letters that when you do decide to come back, i would be waiting with open arms. They were when you did. But you being around my arms again, it felt like you had thorns sticking out your body because it hurt. I didnt notice it at first, like it was only a small pinch. At the start it wasnt deep, superficial only. Then slowly it got more stronger, more disturbing. It began to prick my skin. The longer this went on, the thorns dug deeper, seeping through my skin until it reached the wound that was partially healed and tore it open once more like it was nothing.

There has been countless of nights where thoughts of you, her, you and her, would consume my nights and urge the tears to flow down. Some were just ugly fat tears and some were just proper breakdowns. I thought it didnt bother me. How you two got back together right after us. At the start it really didnt. I was grateful that you wanted to personally tell me and for me to know the truth. It hit me a few weeks later and oh did it hit. It was compromising my peace when im with you, and when im not.

We’re all selfish beings. Im selfish. Im weak. Im stupid. I admit all of that. I was strong enough to move on before, now i have to be strong to walk away. Walk away from something i once wanted so bad i could hardly think. Oh the irony. I should be ecstatic. Jumping in joy that you’re back in my life. However I’m being torn open, slowly, gradually. It’s taking away from me, when i had so little in the first place. What would be left if i give you my all? The only thing im going to say sorry for is not keeping my end of the bargain. We both said we knew what we were getting ourselves into- no expectations, no nothing. Let it run its course. Right? But actually as a matter of fact i didnt know what i was getting myself into. I wasnt fully healed yet when you appeared out of the blue. I thought i could get through this by pretending i didnt care, didnt give a shit. But unfortunately pretending to be heartless wasnt the answer. Not when i wasnt over us completely. So I’m sorry.

This will be easy for you, my Aden. How long ago since i last called you that. I was finally walking along side of you, even ahead of you. But now i feel like im back to where i was, where i couldnt even reach you no matter how hard i tried. I think i can finally say to myself, that i deserve a better situation than this. A situation where i don’t question where i stand. Whether i should reach out or not, or if im even gonna get a reply. A situation where im imagining the things you’re doing when you’re not with me and jumping into conclusions. A situation where im unsure of myself and memories of before haunting me. Memories of us, memories of you and her. A situation where i have to remind myself what i felt when i was left by myself, to re-live those scenes in my head in the hopes of hurting myself with reality. A situation where i have to imagine the two of you together so that i hurt myself to detach myself from my own feelings, for you. How sick is that. Would you consider it self-harming. I wonder. It might have been late but I know i dont deserve this. To do this to myself. I think i did though-realise this long ago. Instead of paying heed to it, i ignored it. Why? Because the idea that you missed me too to come back engulfed my selfish desires.

For a while ive been selling myself short. Saying to myself that i dont deserve you. I dont deserve the time you give me. Now, i think im strong enough to think what if we ask it the other way. Do I deserve this? I know I’m difficult to love, but I know I am worth loving.

Im a coward. Posting this here instead of messaging you, or telling you about it. I think it’s a defence mechanism, so i dont have to witness you walking away without hesitation. Now i dont know till when you’re going to see this. This is an accumulation of thoughts and wonders built not just in a day, a few to be exact. The barrier i put up strongly to not fall for you again, it’s been slowly being chipped away bit my bit and is on the verge of collapsing. So before it does, i need to do something to stop that from happening. Please don’t be mad. I doubt you will be actually but just leave me with the thought that you’d care one bit at least, okay? At least leave me with that.

I love you. So fucking much that it hurts you being here when i cant have you. Yes i did miss you. Every single time you asked if i did the answer has been always a yes, i did. Thank you for everything and i mean that from the bottom of my heart. I dont have to list the things i got, received, learned and experienced from you and with you, but thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being yourself while you were with me. For being unapologetic, for being you, for being Neal. My love, my Aden, I won’t ever forget you. Ever. This time im not going to say ‘maybe someday’ because I learned that the word someday is a dangerous word, because it’s just a code word for ‘never’. Another quote i saw about the word someday was from this guy called Tim Ferris and he said, “Conditions are never perfect. ‘Someday’ is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you. If it’s important to you and you want to do it ‘eventually’, just do it and correct the course along the way.” I’m not going to cling on the hope that maybe someday we’ll find each other again. I’m going to let life happen and if by chance we run to each other then ill let it be.

You didnt even have to read this. You have no obligation to me. We have no ties with each other, no responsibilities. It may even sound over the top to you, that im saying all of this when you and me were just ‘chill’. But these are my feelings that ive kept bottled up while being with you and it’s making me restless. This is the emotional roller coaster ive been through. I dont know if you’d feel guilty after reading all of this but do know that it’s not my intention to do so. I want to be honest, transparent. To say all the things I’ve been wanting to say ever since you came back that I never got to, because of the fear that once I do you’ll let go and leave me on air once again. This time maybe we’ll use a quicksand metaphor. The further I let myself sink, the harder it will be to get out. It’s a scenario where no one is there to save me, not even you, even though I let you threw me in that quicksand.

From this point on, I’m not gonna bother you anymore. I’m not going to bombard you with messages that you might not even read, might not even reply to. I’m not going to ask you to see me, to initiate a meeting that i feel like you’re being forced to go to. You’ve always been bragging about how you’re by yourself, so I’m going to fully fulfil that for you. Our memories from before, the memories you want to preserve so dearly, we’ll leave them alone as it is; memories. Whatever the future holds for you, that I will pray for. You are and have always been in my prayers, and surprisingly so is she. In fact I think I pray for her more than I do for you haha. Whatever the future holds for you, I will always be thankful that I got to be part of your life.

I want you to know this: I’m so thankful to have met you. God has taught me that every person that comes into your life is a lesson. And you were one of the lessons that I am so grateful for. I’m so thankful to have been with you, to know you. To have been with you through the most turbulent times of my life. To grow as person through you, with you. To have been supported by you, loved by you. You are a blessing that will always be in my heart. I will treasure all of that. You will always hold a special place in my heart and in my soul. I loved you with all my being, with all my strength, with all that I had. To the point that it left me with nothing. But I know this for a fact, that I fought hard. I loved harder than I have ever before in my whole life and I know that in itself is a victory and you are the subject of that love. No one can take that away from me, and no one can say otherwise.

See you never, Kiefferdenn.

to infinity and beyond,

to the moon and back,

— Rojaneel.