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Lost Between Reality And Dream
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Kids can be mean
I looked around the classroom. Everyone was sitting with someone. I glanced beside me and that was the only vacant seat in the classroom. I pretended like it didn’t bother me but everyone including me knew it did. They say life is so much easier in primary school. But for me it was equivalent to my personal version of hell. I am going to sound extremely whiney in the next few lines but stay with me. When someone doesn’t know what they’re worth, people tend to take advantage of them. I used to be extremely gullible and people used to push me around. A personified doormat is an accurate description of me all through out school. I don’t know whether it was jealousy because I was always at the top of the class or my peers just didn’t like me but I basically had no real friends. I was emotionally and at times physically abused everyday, I used to sit alone in the corner of the class and cry, people used to gang up against me and so on, you know? The usual.
“I’m not your property, stop pushing me around, I have a life of my own!” These words were the wisest decision of my life. One day in 8th grade I had had enough and finally stood up for myself and said this to my bully. It was a strange experience, almost felt like I had a superpower that I wasn’t aware of. People started to realise that they couldn’t mess with me anymore. I’m not gonna lie, life did get a tad bit better but don’t worry it also got way worse.
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i’m r e a l l y trying to be positive
but god, can my life please stop kicking my ass?
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It gets worse
Highschool was a bittersweet time for me. I had a good set of friends now who I could trust but a lot of other pressures started building up. My personality in high school completely changed. I became “badass” and “emo”. I was going through so many bodily and emotional changes. Everything started feeling messy and it felt like my mind was constantly cluttered. I was also going through major self esteem and mental health issues. I started feeling like a failure. I started feeling like I’m not good at anything. I started feeling worthless. I had a tough exterior but little things still used to trouble me a lot. I also used to get major flashbacks because of being bullied. However, I was still determined to achieve my goal to study abroad. If I’m being completely honest, it was mostly because I wanted to escape. I wanted to run away from my hometown of Delhi, run away from my hell-hole of a school and from all the toxic people in my life. With that mindset I fully immersed myself in studying. I did however go completely off track in grade 11 though. My grades started falling and I was sure that I wouldn’t get through any university I applied to, let alone UBC. I pulled myself up in grade 12 though and worked hard. I got through almost every university I applied to which motivated me to work even harder. It was February and UBC was the only university that hadn’t reverted yet.
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Dreams maybe do come true
On February 19th 2018 I was so frustrated. Will I go to UBC or will I not? I was thinking about it so much that I even had a dream about getting an acceptance letter from UBC. The next morning I very hesitantly checked my email. Nothing from UBC. Then I checked my SSC. And there it was “Congratulations!” I was in shock and felt tears rolling down my cheeks. I finally made it. I made everyone in my life including myself proud, I showed it to my haters that I’m worth so much more than what they saw me as. It was time to leave. It was time to go 22 hours away from home. I was excited, nervous and sad. Leaving family is always hard. Leaving your childhood home is so hard. But I was also looking forward to living a new life. A different life. I was lucky enough to find the most amazing group of girls in the first week of university itself. They are so supportive and still continue to hype me up. They constantly boost my morale. I started feeling better about myself. I started feeling competent specially when I wasn’t afraid of doing things by myself. Going off campus alone, eating alone, and so on. There was a different kind of freedom. I started falling in love with city of Vancouver and started falling in love with myself and the people around me, started feeling so grateful and blessed. University was everything I expected. Although my academics aren’t the best and I don’t feel fully accomplished, l know that the things I am taking back with me are life skills and lessons.
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https://www.instagram.com/p/Budo675g7uG/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=1pturfg35mwwc
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“Sometimes the right path for you is the one now one will applaud or envy. Sometimes it’s getting to know yourself intimately withought outside observation in mind.” - Anonymous
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And now I see myself in a completely new light. I see myself as someone who accepts and loves who she is. Someone who strives to be a better person everyday and thrives off of positivity. I can now say that I know who I am. I’m a unique and beautiful person. Of course there are days when my spirit is broken but I try to stay strong and keep moving forward… The problem lies in how we’re raised. We’re never taught to love ourselves and we fail to recognise that it’s our insecurities which are holding us back. We need to stop seeing ourselves through the eyes of someone else.
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