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[moonbeaminquarantine]

Pdt. S. Tong

so I've been in awe with this amazing human. He is a servant of God and is actually smart and intelligent. from him I got that God gave me all this privilege, tallent, potentials not for me to enjoy. but with those come great responsibility. everything that I got from God I should use them to the maximum to be a blessing for others and to praise God.

I have to write this now before I forget.

I am sitting now typing and infront of me is a mirror. I'm looking at my face and thinking I have a pretty face *lol please haha not narcistic just I honestly think I do and some people too*. so I thought, what I could do with this face to praise God? and as every other time I'm asking God, sometimes my innerself told me something that I didn't think I could think of. I read somewhere that it's one way God answering my question. so my innerself told me "your face is the first time people see from you. your face is you. when people think of you, they think of your face. so your face is practically the mirror of your whole self. be a good person. be a blessing to other. be a good example of a human being that reflects the goodness of God. and that would be how you use your face to praise God. because when people see your face, they see the goodness of God"

Dear Jesus, help me be the best version of me. help me to be a good daughter of You. help me to live like You. so through me, people will see the goodness of Your love. Amen.

[moonbeaminquarantine]

when he said "us", warms my heart

[moonbeaminquarantine]

jkt-bdg trip

I've told you I wanted him to come here so we could be together 24/7

he did.

he had a workshop to attend at BDG for 3 day till 25 June, then in the evening he went by shuttle to JKT, stayed at my room. his intention was to attend GRII church.

26 June - I woke up first. he's quite hard to got up the bed. after church, we roamed around the church, went back to my "dorm" cause I have deadline. in the evening he went back to BDG

27 June - I had my final thesis exam. he in BDG had a task to met "the final boss". it went well for him, thank God. and I "temporary" passed the exam. still had alot of revision. at 1 pm booked a shuttle for 5 pm going to BDG to meet my qt. arrived at his hotel, he was still with his uncle but not more than 5mnts he's arrived already. went to his room. then we planned to watch movie Everything Everywhere All at Once at 23paskal at 21.30. after that went back to hotel, clean ourselves and slept.

28 June - I woke up 4 am cause I could hear the next room's alarm. Samuel didn't wake up. after few minutes the alarm still going. it was just vibration but I could heard it so clear. tried to sleep again. woke up at around 5 am idk why but opened my eyes samuel just wokeup winding his shirt cause he felt hot. closed my eyes for 5 mnts and opened again, saw him picturing me with his phone. but I couldn't care less, couldn't open my eyes and talked, so sleepy. so i went back to sleep. woke up at 5.30 am. couldn't sleep again till day. got bored waiting for him to wake up. after waking up, we decided to go to nearest dimsum place for breakfast then went to circleK for mineral water. after that went back to hotel. samuel had food coma so he slept, i wasn't food coma or sleepy, but i know if i slept i won't be woke up soon cause i didn't had enough sleep. just how my body works. and yes, we both slept from 12 pm and i woke up at 4 pm :) he didn't wake me up. he said he watched youtube with high volume to woke me up but it won't work for me. i woke up cause my mom called me. after that we went to pvj for ice skating, in which he actually kinda good and i was just keep falling and injured lol

before ice skate, i brought a sweater from uniqlo to protect my arm and elbow if i fell, ate at kfc, then skate. after skating, we went back to hotel. we ordered takeawa capcay, white rice, and crispy fried squid while planning our activity for the next day.

(will continue later, i'm tired and overwhelmed)

[moonbeaminquarantine]

i'm stupid

things been great with Samuel

we communicate by call more often. and my "missingness" of him tame down. he's been so nice. especially since few calls ago I asked him what if I passed but with the lowest IP. asked him jokingly tho but deep down I wanted to cry. asked if he still wants to be with me if I passed with the lowest IP, if I was the dumbest at class, does he still love me? and his answer calmed me down. he said "my feelings to you doesn't change by any of that". I felt relieve.

so I asked him, which I know this is a stupid question if my mind was in a clear space, "what are you hoping for me? what do you want from me? what I should achieve or do that make you stay with me?" his answer "well, you. it's your personality".

yeah he sounds so nice. he is. but he's still want me to do my best in IP, because of my future reasons. because I needed a good IP for entering career world easier. thank God for him!

so I force him to say what I should do so he'll stay and that if I couldn't get it he'll break up with me. he said get in the top 4 company in Indonesia. I said "so if I couldn't get it, you'll break up with me?" he said no but he want me sooo much to be in one of those company. I know it's for my good.

earlier that day, I had my exam. yup! I'm in my last exam week. and super tight schedule with thesis. which these are the reasons that made me out of my mind and felt like a loser. today's exam is the hardest subject. but I got help from veeery good ones. screenshot the help I got from my friend, sent it to sam and arrogantly braggingly said "look! I got help! from a friend I had rarely talk! how come I'm surrounded by all these lovely people!". yes bragging cause I always thought how come God loves me this much. I never thought I'd made Him happy and worship Him that good. I thought I'm just very special for Him. but then Sam's answer humbles me "ya it's because of the prayer from the people arround you" then I remember I have parents especially mom who never stopped praying all the best for us. for me. thank God for my mom, my dad, my family, Samuel and all of the nice people God given me. I will be forever grateful. ps: in the middle of writing this sam called me. as I said, our communication had been good. I was gonna call him first but afraid he's busy because I've been calling him everynight. I worried he couldn't finnish anything he's doing because of me.

[moonbeaminquarantine]

i'm sorry

thank you sweet for being so patient with me

just got off from our phone call. called him yesterday after being here for 4 days. missed him sooo bad. and called again earlier still missed him.

asked him to come here visit me with my reason i want to be with him longer than i could if i was in our hometown and i live with my parents.

but he didn't agree. pushed him again. rarely almost never i've asked him anything. he still didn't agree and asked why couldn't we spent time at our hometown where everything is easy doesn't need to think about where should he stay or what transportation should he use. already gave him all the super easy answers since everything is easy access now. said that now i understand that i couldn't hope or ask anything from him.

and him with his calm voice tried to make me understand that his family needed him to take care of their needs. asked me to not be mad. which i wasn't mad. ok i was mad a little. but most of it, i was just sad and miss him so much and want to play with him longer and i could ever did...

why am i crying. cengeng

[moonbeaminquarantine]

update

long time no c!

i've been in Jakarta now for almost a week!

samuel droped me off at the airport. ah i was so happy and sad at the same time.

the second night here i already felt deeply sad cause i miss him so much

[moonbeaminquarantine]

the result

we just finished talking by video call. turned out our love language actually same. mine is 33% of physical touch and 30% quality time, and him is 30% quality time and 27% physical touch.

but we guessed his physical touch means more of a massage lol cause he looooves massage

but anw, I feel "relieved"? I feel happy and yeah Idk like something lifted out of my chest

love you qt

[moonbeaminquarantine]

I think after bein together for a decade, it's time for us to learn each other's love language

[moonbeaminquarantine]

thesis

uuugh almost time for my final exam in thesis. pleaseee pray for meee

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just following the lead

[moonbeaminquarantine]

anniv

celebrated anniv with sam today but didn't feeling the love. maybe it was me being annoyed all the time.

but last sunday, we were together since noon till evening and we're in LOVE

[moonbeaminquarantine]

update

my mom approved. now let's wish my dad approves too

[moonbeaminquarantine]

plan

my friend asked me to go on hike. I said ok and asked if I could bring Sam and he said sure. so we're planning to go foursome. 2 girls to boys.

I can't wait cause I've really been craving nature.

I asked my mom if I could go but she said no because she believed the mystical legend about the mountain and in general the region. but I'll try asking her again.

wish me luck

[moonbeaminquarantine]

it's almost 5 o'clock in the morning

I just had a dream I was pregnant but my stocmach still so small, and it's not the time yet but I almost had the baby cause I feel like the baby almost wanna come. but then I tried to stop cause I wasn't ready and it works

[moonbeaminquarantine]

church

before I went to SMG for my university, I came to church basically just as routine. I knew some people who really came to church to worship but I thought it's just their preference to really want to worship. cause I didn't know what you actually should got from church.

I went to SMG and found sooo many friends who deeply in love with Jesus. who wholeheartedly worship Jesus even outside sunday service. like basically daily. before, when I went to church, when the priest came to share the good news, I always slept. but since in SMG, my friends saw me slept and teased me for sleeping. I thought it was normal. but turned out it wasn't. so since then I never slept and actually listen. I learned a bit from the priests about the bible and Jesus.

I went back from SMG to my hometown. went to church and got nothing. then pandemic happened, I thought my family even not worshiping not the right way anymore. so sometimes I opened youtube to found church live session later that day from my church in SMG to refresh my mind. cause to be honest, when I'm not really worshiping for a good time, I feel heavy.

after this experience, I'm looking for the right church for me at my hometown. my preference is the type of church that teach me. explain what the bible means. a priest who could interpret the bible for me. and I couldn't find one at that time. then I thought "men! no wonder I couldn't find a friend who deeply worship Jesus like in SMG. no church here that could make you grow"

I want my faith and knowledge about Jesus and bible to grow.

recently I don't know how but suddenly I was thinking I want to find an international church. cause maybe an international church more straight to the poin. not like all these traditional churches.

then, I think I finally found the perfect church for me (cause we don't have hillsong or bethel here). it's an international church in my town and they claim their church to be a campus. now I'm intrigued.

I looked deeper about them and finally attend their church and I fell in love. the church basically opened with 3 worship shongs and then the news and then closing prayer. that's it. and they reviewed the bible with very good explanation and interpretation.

I think this is the first time of my life I'm excited going to church. it's only monday and I've been thinking of going to chuch!

but I really pray to God asking if this church is good or is it just me making my own decision. I hope God is answering soon!

[moonbeaminquarantine]

ok so my last writing said that I couldn't believe one day Sam and me are gonna be married. just saying that still hard for me but ok.

so, these last few days I don't know why, all I want is to be with him 24/7. nothing happened. really. it's just spontaneus feeling. I'm assuming it's because I'm now 25 and it's the perfect age to get married so it's kind of an instinc to want to be with someone? I really don't know.

but I'm like I miss him soooo much every second. I really just want to be with him.

I met him today. and he's sooo sweet. made me even desperately want to be with him! but I couldn't say that cause I don't want to make him feel like I rush him. he still needs to go to another school.

the only way we could be together sooner than we've planned is for me to work my ass off and save money as much as I can before the year planned.

let's just dream it first and hope it will come true

[moonbeaminquarantine]

I still couldn't believe that one day sam and me are going to be married (with God's permission). like, let me tell you our stage of relationship now.

in few weeks we're gonna be in a 10 years a.k.a. a decade relationship. so far we've only been holding hands and hugging, just casually. and a tiny kiss. just a peck. and it's not even like everytime we met.

right I know might sounds weird.

look, I have no problem in doing a real kissing, and I know how to do it ( I guess if I still remember lol), cause probably my act of love is touch. but I don't know about him. I don't wanna start it cause I don't know if he's comfortable if I touch him. why didn't I ask? well the culture here, if you're in a relationship, you don't have to touch or kiss each other. so I don't wanna look too agressive for him. and he's kind of a traditional christian and in a bigger picture, actually doesn't know much about what people doing in a relationship. so anw, but he's showing affection. mostly by those small acts.

so yeah, I couldn't imagine us are gonna be living together, sleeping on the same bed, are gonna be touching each other, like... sometimes it's gagging me? sometimes it's frightening me like I'm not ready? but I know majorly I'm ready but in the back of my mind I couldn't digest that fact.

cause when I'm with him, it's like I was with me. like he's my other part and we're just one when we're together. so I'm not much seeing him as someone else. that's also something that made me "is this real? is he real? are we really gonna end up together? wouldn't that be weird?"

sam if you're reading this I'm sorry, my mind sometimes just weird.

should I talk to him about this? should I clear this mind?

but if we're gonna be married, it's not like it's gonna happen soon tho...

[moonbeaminquarantine]

dear everyone,

I am so sorry for acting like a jerk these past months. I think I'm broken. But I don't know which one.

I think, maybe, I need to live by myself. I need to be in Bali. I need my freedom.