montyxtrike

[montyxtrike]

im kinda scared. i feel like my best friend, L, is drifting away from our friend group, drifting away from me. she doesnt contact me as much often. we havent hung out in a week, when she has time off she spends it with other people or doing other things. of course i respect her other friends and i just want her to be happy and have fun so if that is what makes her happy she should do that, but i just feel like she used to have fun/be haooy when she hung out with us too, but not it mostly seems like she rather sees someone else. shes also become a little distant lately, i think. i check up on her as often as i feel like i can without being annoying, so almost every day, at least a couple times a week you know, and she used to check up on me alot as well but not that much any more. i dont crave that kind of attention really but it would still be kinda nice if she asked how i was too, more than once or twice a month. i could like an attention-whore i know, jesus, but yeah idk. she just seems kinda, distant. im so scared shes drifting away from me or doesnt want to be friends with me as much anymore.

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oh GOD i completely forgot tumblr existed IM SO SORRY, not that anyone reads this, its only for me, but sTILLLLLL,

ive been fine lately, the days have been good, a little stressful maybe yeah, but as soon as nighttime falls i get sad.

also ive been eating tons and gaining weight which isnt too bad, im not feeling horrible about it. as soon as i get this months paycheck im going to renew my gym membership and start taking my diet seriously though.

and i had this fantastic idea, like forreal fantastic. this fall/winter, obviously i wont be wearing as much revealing clothing right? itll mostly be cardigans and sweatshirts since its colder outside right? so what if i work out alot and start taking food intake seriously over the fall/winter, and then in spring/summer when i start wearing revealing clothing again everyone will notice what a sudden change my body has gone through and how much hotter i am, wouldnt that just be awesome honestly???? im gonna do that oh my DAYSSSS.

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also update, i finished station 19, and it was probably one of the best series ive ever watched in my entire life.

and i started smoking again.

and ive completely fell of the wagon when it come to working out. i havent been to the gym in god knows how long and i havent been out for a run either. i go out for olng walks every day but thats not enough you know?

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ive eaten so healthy so far today and ive never managed to go this many hours without bingeing on something, its currently 4 pm and im seriously contemplating just throwing it all down the drain and going to the grocery store and buying something. i want to buy tortellini, cereal, pizza ingredients, WHATEVER. but ive been so good for almost 24 hours and throwing everything down the drain would break my heart again like it does every day.

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i REALLY need for summer break to just come to an end and for school to start rn.

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now shes ignoring me. damn im done fr.

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why do people not tell me things right away. my ex waited about six months before telling me he was loosing feelings and no longer was in love with me. i went the last six months of our relationship with him telling me i was his everything and he wanted to marry me for him to just go "actually i havent been in love with you for half a year" and make me never be able to trust anyone ever again. and now my best friend tells me for the first time since we became friends that its super draining when we have conflicts, weve been best friends for a year, she has never mentioned this before. i have gone this whole year thinking everything was fine and i could confront her about anything and we would discuss it no problem, but now i find out she has been thinking about it in the entire opposite way for a year. i can literally not trust anyones feelings for me anymore because nobody tells me what they really feel. meanwhile i say what i think and feel the second i feel it, to make sure nothing goes bad in the relationship, i dont understand anyone, i dont trust anyone

[montyxtrike]

im so incredibly drained, all i want to do is be free for a couple weeks and then only have school to worry about, i really hate having to work. also im a terrible friend. my good friend (or so i thought), who is a guy, his name starts with a V, he removed me from discord when summer break started with really confuses me because i thought we were like really close friends. one of my best friends, L, shes amazing but i dont think she enjoys hanging out with me, because when she has freetime she always hangs out with her other friends and i just feel like shes probably just going to leave and find other friends when highschool is over. my other best friend, A, shes so amazing, but im just not a good friend for her. i feel like i only talk about myself, and i cant really talk about myself because every time i say something about boys or whatever, she just gets sad because she wants it to. and she also hates fighting or being in a conflict, but i hate not speaking up for things i dont like. when she does something, i want to tell her i dont appreciate that, but she just told me its super draining every time i do that. and lately she just really doesnt seem interested about anything i have to say, she barely responds to anything i say about my experiences or thoughts. i hate that ive gotten so boring and draining for her. i hate myself for it honestly, but its just who i am, im draining. im a draining person, and i honestly think anyones who's ever been close with me would tell you the same.

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im about to cry i think my friend is trying to distract me rn so that i wont hurt myself or get in a worse mood, ive never felt this type of care wtf this is so wholesome

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i didnt relapse though btw, i did smoke tho but i didnt go all the way

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i wanna do it, i wanna relapse

wont do it though because everyone would see it when im in a bikini and its literally June, im going to be in a bikini so much the coming two months lol

in the moment it feels so worth it tho, but i know i wont feel that way later

i just want to smoke, drink, not eat, cvt, not sleep, not answer ppl, damn

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nahh cause this is the problem cause now its the day after and i feel completely fine except fir the fact that im incredibly annoyed with my aunt but thats just family love

my dog just peed on my tho

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the thing is, i'd never off myself. but if someone told me, "if you press this button, everyone in the world would die", i'd press it. its selfish, im aware. but if i could stop existing while still ensuring nobody would be "left without me" i would take that chance.

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sorry. i disappeared again. i dont even know what has happened the past couple days. ever since summer break started, and its literally only been a week, ive completely lost my flow. i've only worked out once, ive only been on one run and it wasnt even a good one. ive been eating like total shit, im like actually closer to my max weight then ive been in my life, which is kinda scary to think. ive actually never weighed this much, anyways, thats not my biggest point here. i feel like im slipping. my mood is getting worse. my temper is shit. i cant sleep. i dont have any motivation. it just feels like im treading water. i feel like i might relapse, i wont tho, cause its summer. but i cant help but long for the fall/winter time, when i can relapse in peace. i can do everything i want to do. i can crawl up in my bed and sit in depression every day after school. i can cvt (idk if that word i censored so i used a "v" instead of a "u"). i can smoke. i can drink. i can loose all my muscle up to the point that my back and legs start hurting from walking for a couple minutes again. i could go back in my psycological hole, if i wanted to. i do want to. i know it would ruin everything though, so i dont "want" to, but i really want to. its so comfortable in my "hole". anyways. idk whats going on really.

anyways goodnight

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i just ordered a bunch of clothes hhehehehehehehehhehehhehehehheeheheheh it was so worth it tho

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i just want to find my person, i want to find the one. i want to finally get my beautiful italian bossy stubborn slim woman who makes me a priority in my life. who kisses me in a way that makes me feel like i wouldnt want to do anything else in the world but kiss her. i want her to call me bambina and to start talking in her own language when shes mad at me for the smallest things. i want to devote my whole life to her and to be the "ok" to her "la". honestly when will i find her cause thats kinda all i want in life, i just wanna find my woman.

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pizzaaa

today i had a pretty good day, i woke up very late and had breakfast at like 1 pm, then i hung out with my friends which was very nice, although i feel like one of them was kinda mad at me but i dont know what i did, it seemed like it got better after a while though. then i ate pizza with my other friend, alot of pizza, lol, there goes the "healthy" plan. anyways, i havent had time to work out today and its too late to go to the gym so i dont really know how im gonna get my workout in today. maybe i'll just go out for a very long run, but then what if that stomach thing comes back and i cant even finish my run? and i guess i could work out at home but i cant get better at running by just doing exercises at home, i can only do that at the gym or by running outside. eh idk what to do, i'll figure it out somehow