monochxpsis-blog

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I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY RN I'M SRSLY GEEKING OUT GUYS MY GIRLFRIEND IS SO AMAZING LIKE FUCKING SHIT WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE HER OMG

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Oh my god so this girl and I have been talking nonstop since that party and we went on a couple dates and it was honestly so fucking amazing, and today she asked if I wanted to be her girlfriend and I said yes obviously because I've never felt this way about someone before, and I am TWEAKING OUT SHE'S SO AMAZING AND CUTE AND FUNNY AND UGHHHH FUCK I seriously really thought I was straight but I GUESS THE FUCK NOT. ����

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It makes me so sad when someone clearly doesn't have a single ounce of self-esteem, especially if it's someone I care about. Like I'm not even annoyed that they kinda fish for compliments, I'm just super sad because I know they don't believe it even if I say they're beautiful or amazing or funny or whatever. Ugh idk it just makes me really sad.

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Oh my God we ended up making out a ton at the party, and then we went to my place and slept in my bed and made out more and talked all night, and fuck man. She really likes me and I'm still not sure how I feel about it. She's so pretty and funny and fun to be around, but I guess I can't really tell if I'm feeling that in a friendly way or romantic way????? FUCK

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I'm going to a party tonight with my friend and this coworker (who I'm pretty sure I like??? Even tho I've never liked a girl before???) and I'm simultaneously excited and nervous fuck help

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I've always considered myself straight and have definitely been attracted to guys, but like now I'm pretty sure I have a crush on my female coworker???? One of my other friends and I got drunk the other night and she was telling me how my coworker (who is openly into women) said she was talking to other girls, but always sees me and thinks I'm so hot. I've never really been attracted to girls before, but lately it's seemed more appealing. I worked with her yesterday and it was honestly a really fun shift. I kind of banter with everyone because that's my sense of humor, but we basically joked around and threw stuff at each other all night. I just can't figure out how I feel about it. Fuck man feels are confusing, send help.

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Also it really fucking grinds my gears when an old, creepy man verbally harasses/tries to "joke around" with me. I don't smile or laugh because Idfc what my job is, I'm not condoning someone being a fucking creep to me. And then they always either get offended (Idc fuck off mate), tell me I should "lighten up" (still don't care, fuck off), or say something along the lines of "oh I'm just giving you a hard time, have a sense of humor!" I have a sense of humor sir, you're just not fucking funny!!!!

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TODAY WAS MY LAST FUCKING DAY WORKING AT THE FUCKING GAS STATION AND I AM STOKED!!!!!!!! I'll still have my job in fast food back at school, but I work on line most of the time so it's not nearly as bad. I'll probably have to go back over winter break, but WHO FUCKIN CARES THAT'S MONTHS AWAY!!!!!

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Plus I found out recently that I'm fucking LACTOSE INTOLERANT. Just adding that to the monstrous list of things I'm allergic or intolerant to. FML.

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I'm tired literally all the time and it's getting really fucking old. UGH.

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Ugh, I don’t even know what the hell is up with me or my mind lately. Part of me thinks the way I’m feeling is all normal and I might just be overreacting or making things up, but the other part just wants to be validated and to know what’s actually going on. I don’t like being on a bunch of meds, but if there’s actually something wrong and I could lessen the symptoms with meds, I’d be totally willing to try them. I just don’t know what to do...

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I’ve had the feeling for a while now that I might have mild/moderate anxiety, but I’m too scared to bring it up at the doctor or anything. It just seems like I have a lot of the symptoms that I’ve been reading online, but I don’t get panic/anxiety attacks and it doesn’t really manifest itself so others can see. I’m a pretty private person so people can’t really tell, I guess. But I don’t know if how I’m feeling is normal and I’m just feeling weird about it for no reason, or if it really is abnormal. It’s just hard to put my thoughts into intelligible words that make enough sense to tell somebody. I don’t want to blow anything out of proportion or make something out of nothing, either. The main symptoms I get are extreme irritability (like, EVERYTHING annoys me shitless, and no, it’s not just super bad PMS), and I’m SUPER jumpy and get jump-scared/startled easily (like literally I could turn around and someone could just be standing there and I’d jump. And like I opened the door to the cooler at work yesterday and jumped bc an empty cardboard box fell from a shelf. Like who does that??? SO many people have commented on my jumpiness). I also am almost always worrying or stressed about something. My life is busy so I’ve always thought it was bc of that, but even simply stuff worries me or stresses me out. I get dizzy a lot too, but I also have low blood pressure and a fast metabolism. My stomach has been upset a lot lately too, and it was bothering me so much that I actually went to the doctor and she prescribed prilosec for me. Tbh I think I’m a bit lactose intolerant so I’m tryna stay away from dairy, which I think is helping. I also am sort of paranoid that others are talking about me or laughing at me (like if a group of teenagers walks by me and are laughing, my first thought is that they’re laughing at me even tho I know they aren’t). I also have a lot of thoughts like some of my friends actually find me annoying, or I feel like I’m annoying them. But I don’t constantly think about danger or death or catastrophe, which I know are symptoms of anxiety. So like I really don’t know what’s wrong w/me?????

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I've said it before and I'll say it again: I FUCKING HATE CUSTOMER SERVICE. This is a legit convo I had with some old ass today: Some random old guy (customer) at the g as station I work at: *picks up a fidget spinner* "So what are these spinner things all about? What's the big deal?" Me: "Well they kind of turned into a popular toy now, but they were originally made for kids with ADHD or to help anxiety." Random old guy: "Ha. ADHD isn't real, that's why we all like them. It's made up. ADHD was invented by lazy people." Me: .......... Needless to say, I lost about 20 IQ points during that conversation. Can't wait to go to work again tomorrow and hear what mind-numbingly stupid things people have to say!!!!!!!!! Like there are seriously people that STILL think ADHD and mental illness and other things like that are made up???? FOR REAL IT IS 2017 WAKE UP MOTHERFUCKERS OMG

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Seriously though, I’m so fucking sick of customer service jobs. I can’t fucking wait until I have a big girl job where I won’t have to pretend to be nice to every single random person who walks through the damn door. I stg if I wasn’t on the clock I would’ve ripped her a new one.

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I FUCKING HATE WORKING IN CUSTOMER SERVICE!!!!!!!!! I was at work today (at SuperAmerica, it’s a gas station), and these two bitches came in looking barely 18. I WATCHED BOTH OF THEM GET OUT OF THE SAME CAR, then Girl #1 walks in and loudly yells, “UGH, I forgot my damn ID.” And then Girl #2 comes up to the counter and tries to buy a Black & Mild cigar. I told her I couldn’t sell it to her because she’s with the ID-less one, and I need both IDs (which is one of the first things I was told when I started there, that I couldn’t sell to one person if the person with them didn’t have an ID, and I wasn’t TRYNA GET FIRED TODAY YA KNOW). She was like, “Are you serious?!” and left to go see if her friend’s ID was in the car. And then this bitch (Girl #2) walked up and was on the phone with someone, and she was like, “I’m at SA and this little fucking bitch won’t sell [friend’s name] a damn blunt ‘cause I forgot my ID. How you even know I’m with her, shorty? How you even know I know her?” RIGHT AFTER I WATCHED THEM GET OUT OF THE SAME GODDAMN CAR. And then this bitch goes, “I work at an SA, that ain’t no damn law.” (THERE IS A DAMN LAW AND IT’S CALLED THIRD PARTY SALES YOU FUCKING CUNT even though I’ve definitely been on the receiving end of said sales, I’M NOT GETTING FIRED OVER A 99 CENT CIGAR THAT THEY WERE DEFINITELY GOING TO USE TO SMOKE WEED.) Then to the person on the phone, she was like, “Oh, her name’s [my name, read off my nametag]! This fucking shorty bitch, how she even know I know her?” And went on and on and ON about how I’m a dumb bitch that won’t sell her and her friend a 99 CENT CIGAR because SHE forgot HER ID. Also, there’s a fucking smoke shop literally 100 yards away, if she wants the cigar that damn bad, her friend could fucking walk over there, buy it, and come back and nobody over there would know. I was in my uniform on the clock so I couldn’t really say much, but if I would’ve been off the clock and wearing something else, I would have ripped that fucking bitch a new one. 

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I have GOT to stop taking 2-hour naps at 7pm because my sleep schedule is ruined. Ugh. In other news, I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for my stomach issue. It wasn't too bad today, only hurt a bit after my lunch, and again after I had some chocolate. I hope to God it isn't a dairy issue, because I love cheese and dairy in general. But the stomach pain is getting annoying and old, so I hope they can figure out what's wrong.

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I just woke up and I already want to go back to bed, but nope, I have to work for 8 hours. FML.