monkeyun

[monkeyun]

I just needed someone to talk to :") crying alone doesnt help anymore .

[monkeyun]

Its an emotional week tbh. And im not gonna lie. But i know for sure im gonna pull this through. And im not gonna celebrate my big day on sunday. I have stopped believing in celebrating those important dates. But the only thing i wish for was to see every each one of my siblings on that very day. Ive pushed through all the tough times. Being a responsible daughter with no financial support from anyone . And im not looking forward for any surprises or any gifts from anyone bec the only thing im asking for is to have all the mental and physical support to go through this. I dont have a perfect family. But what saddens me is that the person whos not family related would make time for me on the night of my big day while the important ones...................... nah its okay. Its just another day of the week. It aint as important as it seems.

Took off on that very day .bec i know im exhausted. And ive been pushing my hardest working with no off days every single day. But who am i kidding again? Again with the jokes on me. Bleargh . Whatever. Its okay. It doesnt matter. Nothing matters.

#LostSoul

#080921

[monkeyun]

It has been a damn tiring day . Case after case , report after report . But i cannot complain. I love my damn job. Its just that its been quite sometimes since i last feel this exhausted. A couple of drinks wouldnt hurt i guess for this tiring exhausting day . Just gotto make sure its just a chilling night with no stress involved . I did great today. A pat on the back . Proud of you dear self. You pull it through. And i know you deserve some peaceful night tonight. To many more days of this exhausting kinda day. So i dont have to overthink certain stuff and do anymore silly things. Healing in process. Its okay youre taking was too much of the time. As long as when you heal completely, you dont get to feel the hurtful pain anymore. Take all the time you need okay. While i work hard on many more exhausting days so you could rest when the night falls. As of now , keep it together. Youre doing great dear self. Youre clearly not gonna date anyone as of now . If you gotto push people away for the sake of making a peace within yourself , do it okay. I cant say much but im proud of you dearself. Keep going even if you feel you cant do it anymore. Love you dearself.

#LostSoul

#250821

#17.25pm

[monkeyun]

Im starting to throw all my bad habits away. Still tryna sober up from things that i know its disappointing. I dont only want to be the best version of me but the best version to everyone . Ive been clean from the substance that i always took every single time the downfall hits the rock bottom. Its a lie that i dont miss it at all. Or i dont feel the painful aching body or all the fever , shiverish down my spine for not taking it. And im still trying to get it over and done with . Like i know im better than all this. And i know i can overcome it like how i used to. And not only that , im still tryna figure out how to stop drinking and find an alternative ways to deal with certain certain problems without drinking and numbing the feelings away. At a current position im in , im proud of how im still trying to be the best though i know ive always been a disappointment. But who cares anyways of the changes cause the only person who had my back when all this downfall happens is myself. I only had myself , and that myself has always been there through out the obstacles or difficulties i had face during all this time. And that myself had been hugging me all the time and telling me everything is gonna be okay. So thank you myself for going through all this breaking points with me. And at this point i dont think i need anybody to come and tell me they still held me close and strong whenever i fall cause there aint nobody. HAHAHA SO THANK YOU DEARSELF FOR STILL STANDING THERE FOR ME AND HELD ME SO FUCKING STRONG AND NEVER GAVES UP ON ME. ((';

#LostSoul

[monkeyun]

#onrepeat zoe wees - control

And i think i woke mum up with the cries .

Its true . Im no longer the girl who have everything in her grip. And tell me something that i dont know? I have always been a disappointment . Havent i? When i thought i had everything in my grip, i thought it would all be okay. Its never okay. It was never okay .

As much as this tumblr really means alot to me. Its where i always pour my heart out to every lil thing i felt and the only space i could save any kind of memories but not sure if it really understands what i feel. Should i delete this tumblr off ? Uninstall every social media bec i have been trying. Its not that i did not. I have been trying to fight with the battle of not being the person i am today . The disaster i have become. The person i used to hate the most 3-4 years back. It was like since forever . I know i know. I hate myself too. I hate how i got into this mess. I hate myself so much for this. And im trying hard. Trying so fvckinv hard .

I dont ask people to understand how its supposed to feel like . Im not sure either whether its the anxiety , the feeling of depressions or isit i am really going fvcking crazy.

I hang out late at night. I dont go back bec i know when im back home , i'll go straight to my comfort zone and its where i get so fucking emotional and i started crying bec im literally living in the past of how much i hate the 3-4 years me. It felt so dreadful. Being a disappointment not only to myself but to everybody else.

Definitely shes not the girl that i would settle in or be with. And i know that for sure. And im certain. And the happiness would only last for alil while. But that lil while do make me feel alil alive sometimes. Even when its late night, or even at 2 fucking in the morning with the troubles in my head and when she told me to come and sit beside her , while the space wasnt supposed to fit the both of us , even without exchanging any conversation or or any virtual act, it does makes me feel alive even just for a lil while. Or even how unpleasant our way of exchanging conversation, its still the lil thing that keeps me alive at that spare moment .

Even the stupid hiding secretly taking my videos too makes me feel alil alive for just alil moment. Even when we are just beside each other , the lil gesture she made to send the video through dms instead just made me feel alil alive too. And im not trying to say im using her as an escape to all of this painful dreadful disaster im in . Im just grateful . Grateful for whatever i have even if it lasted for alil while. Even one day , i want her to find somebody better than me . And id still be the supportive person everyone knows.

Its just that im always a fvcking disappointment and i myself hate it . Not just by a lil. But alot. Maybe i should head to bed now. And prolly stop ranting and ranting and ranting. Bec its boring.

#LostSoul

#020821

[monkeyun]

Hear me out , i wanna pour my sadness away here with a couple of drinks thinking bout how painful your words were.

Its sad isnt it ? Sad how i keep all the sadness to myself , numbing it bec deep down its still gave me the painful thoughts?

I gave you nothing but the best wishes didnt i ? You said im not the person who you used to know? You set the bar high up for me and now im liking someone who dont give me benefits or anything at all at how much you could give me the last time.

But at the same time , didnt i set your bar high up too? I gave you everything i had during our time to shape you into a person you thought you could never be ? The person who saves alot of money for her future. The person who doesnt mind and no more picky bout eating her food ? The girl who can hold on to her anger? The girl who is able to control you during your downfall? Didnt i ?

Lets not talk bout how much this girl that i like could benefits me in any ways. Yes i do like her. And like i said , i cannot lie bout me liking her. But we both remains as friends , and why is that ? Bec i clearly knows im not over my past and im struggling alot . And ofcourse im not the same person anymore. Bec im so trashed. So fucking broken . Im so over myself . If im the same girl you dated or you were with , i would still stay sober. I would have gotten every grip to everything. Yes , watching her live doesnt benefits me in any ways. It doesnt gave me money or any sorts of thing but it does gave me a lil of happiness. It does makes me happy just by watching her lives.

Same like you . You would do anything. Just anything for that girl. Though you know she wasnt treating you right? Look at how she treated you . Look at how much youve waste your time , your tears , your energy that you can never matched up with. But guess what ?? You still stay with her didnt you? Though how bad she treated you .... youd still be there for her. Although she doesnt do good for your mental health.

Dont tell me all the things that have already make me so broken . Im already that fuckinh broken . I gave you nothing but i gave everything i had so that you could be happy! The pictures , the videos , all that . I gave you nothing but the best i could to support to all your happiness with someone else though it breaks me so fvcking much.

You can say whatever you wanna say. Im drinking emotionally and all. Bec i am. Bec your words really cut me fucking deep . Like for all the time you were with her , she didnt treat you good and all. And what have i done ? I advice you to treat her good. Apologize and to shut your anger up . Bec shes not me. And even i hated her so much but i still gave everything to make you happy . I give you every support i could . I didnt bother you as much why? Bec i respected your relationship with your girl. I supported you every lil ways possible just for you to be happy. JUST FOR YOU TO BE FVCKING HAPPY .

But you didnt . You cut me deep with your words that i couldnt even go to sleep . I had to cry and cry again and again bec why? You didnt like that she doesnt benefits me at all . But does she benefits your mental health like how i did? Did she ?

You said it as if she had all the grips and treating you well. We arent a thing . And we have clearly said we are just friends. But even the slightest support i couldnt get from you ? Though i gave you every lil support i have ?

You thought it was easy to forget someone who i once called my fiance? And we even wanna get married and have our own place and kids? You think its easy ? 7 months has passed . And im still here , stuck in between of my past that i thought was everything that i could have . But i was damn wrong. Im the only one that is stucked in between of my past and while my other half have already moved on with someone new . Gave her everything that she could possibly gave . Am i wrong to say this ? Tell me if im wrong?

Sometimes i wonder why did i even go back to the old me ? Bec i have nothing else to look forward to anymore or was i that useless always goes back to who i was before.? Maybe the new girl that you always know has already long died holding her love for you? Maybe you were right! I should start moving forward . Bec our love have died . Its dead and gone now.

Im writing this to tell you how much your words cut me deep. That i cant stop crying bec its that hurtful that it leaves a fucking mark, a fuckinh hole to even begin with. Well. I hope you have a great night ahead. I hope your girl treats you better after this . I'll see you when i see you . Talk to you whenever it stop hurting. As of now , just a goodbye that i could possibly gave you . Take good care of yourself. Breathe. Used the anxiety oil for good. Iloveya . *kiss forhead*

#lostSoul

#27072021

#tilwemeetagain

[monkeyun]

It was painful waking up this morning. With looking like a damn piece of shit. When waa the last time i look this shit ? 6-7 months ago to be exact. It was a hard ass journey getting back on my feet but here i am. FUCKING JOKE ON ME . !! Through out the picking up the pieces , i have never once... NEVER ONCE did dirty to people , but yeah. Again .... like what people say , its always gonna be okay. Though you just feel like dying already , but youre still here. DAMN. Dragginv feets to work . Trying to keep it as positive as possible. What the fuck am i doing outside of my house again? WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE ?!?! OUTSIDE OF MY COMFORT ZONE ? WHAT THE FUCK . people should stop saying its gonna be alright. STOP . bec it does not drives you insane. Nevertheless.  I still gotto pull through today and every other days right? 😌😌😌

#11JUNE2021

#12.07pm

#LostSoul

[monkeyun]

Maybe now she can finally say , "its all gone now" . Haha. Jokes on me. But its okay. Its all gone now. Ive placed you at a better place . I put you high up so you dont get your face smashed at and now everybody else can be happy bout it. You dont have to worry anything now bout whats on my twitter anymore. Bout our pictures , the notes you left it for me as that WAS my memories i believe and its my own process of time to do things at my own pace but its okay. I'll do it for your happines. Dont mind mine. Its always gonna be better days ahead right? Thats all what people love to say. Yaaaaa blablabla.

Im not gonna express how much it hurts. Bec its always bout everybody else.. bout someone else. But its okay . Whatever floats the boat .

Silly me that my tears keeps rolling down and didnt had the time to hide it But its okay . It doesnt matter at all. None of it matters.

Hats off , im not gonna say anything else . Its always okay right? Yeap . Its always okay and gotto be okay.

Well , the bitch better throw a fucking party for it . 💁‍♀️ and youre welcome in advance .

I'll remember the date , the day i hurt myself after a very long time of trying to pick myself up bit by bit . I'll remember FRIDAY , 11 JUNE 2021 , 12.16am how much it hurts me and it breaks me apart not just a lil bit , but the whole of my soul . Karma is a bitch. Mark my word. Mark my hurting soul , the tears that keeps on rolling down my cheeks, Its okay . Your time will come . Maybe not today , maybe someday where it hits your nose , or maybe to your family or maybe when you have your own children. 🤷‍♀️😊😉 til then you'll remember my name , my story , and my face .

With that ,its okay dear heart . Its okay. Youre gonna start from the start okay. Its okay. Bits and pieces of it. Its okay.

#LostSoul

[monkeyun]

Salam Kal , sampai hari ni kal , kau selalu dalam ingatan aku kal . If only i was there for you kal during the crucial moment , you would have still been here. Or if only we could have seen all the signals you gave to us . Aku rindu kau kal. Cara kau selalu buat kita semua ketawa . Aku maseh ingat lagi kau selalu ada untuk aku , kau pinjam kan aku headbuff kau sebab aku lupa nak bawak time tu masa nak buat high element sebab kau tahu aku tak suka bau helmet kat camp . So kau pinjam kan aku. Kau tak kesah kotor kan headbuff kau sebab nak tolong aku. Aku rindu kau kal. Takbir bergemar , first thing first that comes to my mind is you kal . Tapi kau dah takde. Kau dah takde untuk aku . Aku tak mampu tahan airmata aku bila teringat kat kau . Tapi aku selalu doa agar dosa dosa kau di ampun kan. Dan segala makan minum kau dihalalkan juga. Dan segala urusan kau disana dipermudahkan kal . Aku sayang kau kal . Tapi kau dah tinggal kan aku . Kau dah takde lagi. Kata kata je aku mampu ucap kan dekat kau. Selamat hari raya kal . Alfateha ..

[monkeyun]

Honestly im just so disappointed in you . Really am disappointed in you . Thought you got it all sorted out , still that responsible person ive ever met , guess i could do nothing but wish you all the best . May one day you realised , how much youve waste on yourself , on your time , your effort and your money . And its just not bout you , but its affecting the people around you . Hope one day when its never too late to know and to realise , you'll realised and you'll regret it that youve waste so much. I wish you nothing but the best and will always pray the best for you. Take care .. 😌💔

[monkeyun]

I have just unlocked new achievements for not sleeping for more than 48 hours.

Infact i think more than 120 hours. My eyebags are literally crazy . My brains definitely not functioning . But am still walking like a normal human being trying to live a life? What a joke aye.

[monkeyun]

You know. Today... i went out alone? Treating myself ice cream. Though i have anxiety bec there were so many people . But i get to treat myself some ice cream bec i was craving for one. I walk to the places where we walk . And it makes me smile . But there were this place i went to , and it smells just like you . Exactly like you . And i started to think bout you alot. Silly me huh? If i know it would smell like you, i wouldnt even walk there. I walk everywhere. Just everywhere that my heart bring me to . That is all i did today. Sad . But the truth.

#24042021

#selflove

[monkeyun]

#berhentiberharap

Kalau ada jodoh kita jumpa , kalau tak ada , tak apa .

[monkeyun]

Adik , Abang !!!

Hello adik abang . !!

Look at you two!!!! Tidur only eh !! Do you still remember the place we called it a home?

We live there. Sleep , shower , eat. Literally make it a home. And not to forget , we work sweats and blood there too ?

I think i miss you both too much that i dreamt of you both. I hope you all are okay.

Anyways , things are not like how it used to be. Sometimes i wish this was just a damn dream. But when reality starts to slap me in the fucking face , i realised that all this is happening is true.

I know that i have become the less important person. And im not needed anymore. I didnt wanna be the cause of someones "jealousy" or to always be the one who thinks bout other peoples feeling while nobody gives a damn shit bout my feelings. I used to tell you both my lil shit story or when im sad. But now its all gone. I'll leave so she could be happy.

Abang. Adik. These are the important things to do if she gets anxiety .

(If shes at home . When abang and adik around.)

1st when her anxiety strikes , make sure she finds adik and abang okay . Thats the first important thing to do .

2nd ask her to breathe while shes holding on to you both . Slowly . Hold and exhale for atleast 3 times for 5 secs each cycle .

3rd if that doesnt work , let her lie down hugging the both of you . Abang lie down on her head , adik , in the arms okay ?

4th dont let her scratch everywhere . Its okay if she pulls your ear okay adik . She might throw you but you have to make sure she take you back in her arms

5th let her sleep for a lil while . She must be exhausted that it triggers her anxiety . While shes bout to sleep , let her kiss your nose , smell you , pat your butt , hold you high up bec she likes it that way . Make sure blanky is on her okay .tuck her in the blanky

Thats if shes at home okay.

(If shes outside and she bring adik:)

1st , let her squeeze you as tight as possible while breathing in deep and hold on to her breath for atleast 5 secs . At least 3 cycle okay?

2nd , while at that , let her pull your ear okay adik or scratch your nose , scratch your ear as long as it refrain her from scratching all over her body parts especially her ears , her neck area and her face.

3rd, put an oil (the oil she wanted from me the other day which has been with me for quite awhile and im not sure if i should give it to her bec i know, its not my responsibility anymore..or else any oil that she have) But only certain certain places . Her neck area . Her chest area and most importantly her back area. And while at the back , rub gently . Do not put it at her nose. Try it if you wanna know what you gonna end up to.

4th, if she still scratching her ears and everything else , and starts whining ,adik give your nose to her okay ?

5th , the last one . Make sure do not , i repeat DO NOT IRRITATE HER MORE . Keep assuring . Dont leave her alone when shes having anxiety . It wont get better . Be as close as possible even if she pushed you away okay adik . Let her smell you . It will calm her down slowly.

But all this steps im not sure how they work on human . It might not be the same procedure. Or how gentle you can be with her. Bec through out the anxiety , she'll be very very fragile. Handle her with alot of care.

Adik abang, after this i'll no longer be seeing you or her . She have a heart to take care of. And which at this moment , im like done done with everything. Fighting to see her , waiting for the calls or text. My heart has literally given up. And i dont think theres any way could fix it. Please take good care of her abang and adik.

I'll pass the responsibility now to the both of you. Please dont break her. She will always be someone special in my heart. And thats the last boomerang of us . Or the last time we will ever see each other.

Take care both you lil dinasaur . I have never once not taking a chance missing you both that has been with me through out my 3 years birthday , 3 years of new year . Guess this year will go back to how it used to be . You two also will always be there somewhere special in my heart , Appreciate every lil piece of her bec ive never forget my promises to her that i'll always stay right there with her. Go big or go home. with that , i wanna say i love you.

#LostSoul

#TawarHati

#AdikAbang

#hatedthenumber4

#04032021

#finallynowyoucanbehappy

#closedoor

As painful as it seems , you can go now.

[monkeyun]

Honestly i think im the most stupidiest person youve ever met . Cause why? Youre the only person that i wanna talk to , that always makes my day going. Always gives me the strength but i always fuck it up with my stupidness. And now you totally. Left me with nothing but alot of regrets . Its okay right? You still gonna leave me anyways one day.

When we fought that time bec of my ex , its bec im too fucking weak and im an easy target , my stupidity level was just up there that i literally listen to her. And we resolve it cause you know how stupid i can get sometime.

And now we fought bout this bec of my most biggest stupidity . Ive bought ya something and been waiting to give ya , but its okay . Again bec of stupidity i lost the person who makes me the most happiest .

Now you can be happily being stupid . Bec she left . Jokes on my self .

#kaubaikmatijeayuni

#sakitkan

#sebabkaubodoh

#buatbendatakpikir

#justpadanmukakau

#LostSoul

[monkeyun]

Buang je ayuni barang barang yang kau beli nih . Sebab tak guna simpan . Dia takkan jumpe kau pun. Ingat diri kau thu sikit . Selalu nak mengharapkan orang je . Pergi buang je besok.

[monkeyun]

Does double tripple text you annoy you ?

My brain telling me to call you . To ask how you doing but my heart says stop beforr you get annoyed with my texts and my calls.

Where do i even start ? 😞 i dont even know if youre doing okay out there driving or i dont even know how you coping with things . I want to be there for you , but at the same time i didnt wanna annoy you .

Please be safe out there babe. Even if you need time , and tonight is not the right time to see you or to keep you company , let me know. I dont fucking care . The only thing that i care is your safety . Im not gonna be mad if you tell me youre sorry that we couldnt meet today . I dont fucking cares . As long as i know youre okay .

Til at this moment , im still waiting for an update from you . But im scared to double text you . Bec i'll end up making you mad. Im sorry i know i shouldnt be this worried. But youve gone missing for 3 hours? With no updates?

I hope youre alright . If only my instinct is telling me something.