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Reflexive Essay on Hanya Yanagihara's "A Little Life"

"The person I was will always be the person I am."

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Fourth Entry.

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Third Entry.

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Second Entry.

A few years have passed between the novel’s first and second parts. In this section, detailed scenes that happen throughout Jude’s college years, his early career, and as a young boy are revealed.

While his friends consider Jude reserved about his past, Jude knows little about who he is or where he came from. Being raised in a catholic monastery may help to explain some of the profound shame and guilt he bears. As a child, he inquired about his parents and about who left him in an alley, but he only received cruel answers such as that he was a dirty piece of trash, unwanted, and unloved.

Reading that was heartbreaking; he was just a child who yearned for belonging rather than affection. To this day, he dreams of a family in which he can show his true self. However, while the source of Jude's trauma remains hidden, these chapters offer glimpses into its lingering impact. The mentions of nightmares, self-harm, and firmly established self-loathing show a man that's still haunted by his tragic past.

The unwillingness to divulge anything of himself, as well as feeling ashamed of his past, stops him from opening up, especially with his loved ones, which is why his silence was both a necessity and a protection.

Later on, he is adopted by his old law professor Harold and his wife, Julia. He thinks that they might appreciate him for his intelligence or his talents, but interpersonally, he feels so inferior to everyone that he can't truly understand their desire to make him part of their family. Being adopted triggers a depressive episode due to his fear of being unworthy and ultimately abandoned again. At this point, I felt deeply saddened because he doesn't think he is a person deserving of love; in fact, he feels ashamed of constantly concealing, thus seeing himself as a filthy liar.

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Lastly, adulthood. Growing up, the uncertainty of the future, along with the fear of changing and not being able to accomplish what society expects of you. Although bittersweet, this topic resonated deeply because it made me stop for a moment and think about how we live our lives. Our hectic lifestyles lead to ever-increasing worries, yet we're told to keep going because the world won't stop for us. Even if life is in constant motion, it is important to keep moving forward. What I learned from these chapters is to not be confined by the frame of life, that's to say, societal expectations or personal limitations.

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A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara.

First Entry: Lispenard Street.

Set in New York City, Part I of "A Little Life" by Hanya Yanagihara focuses on the post-college life of four main characters: aspiring actor Willem Ragnarsson, struggling artist Jean-Baptiste Marion (JB), successful(ish) architect Malcolm Irvine, prodigious lawyer and the novel's protagonist, Jude St. Francis.

The story begins with Willem and Jude checking out a place to rent, but they are rejected by the agent after she checks up on their finances. After that, they meet with Malcolm and JB at their usual restaurant in Chinatown. While they are chatting, we learn that these four men have been friends since their first year in college.

Not much later, JB remembers that a woman he works with is looking to rent out a room and suggests they check it out. Willem and Jude accepted the apartment, despite it being described as a "shithole", but neither of them minded, it was theirs.

As the first two chapters unfold, the author reveals details about Jude through the other characters’ lives. Jude is defined more through what he lacks than through any affirmative statement of who he is. The reader knows almost nothing about Jude other than that he is poor, disabled, and extraordinarily intelligent.

Willem was, in JB words, liked by everyone and never wanted to make people feel intentionally uncomfortable. He is kind, hardworking, and thoughtful. Also, Willem is the closest to Jude; thus, Jude is more open with Willem than he is with his other friends, but that openness consists only of showing his vulnerability, not of explaining it.

Malcolm is unsatisfied with his own life, but doesn't know how to move forward.  He is overly concerned about what people think, internalizes potential criticism and endlessly questions his own choices.

JB is a quick-witted, confident artist of outgoing nature. On the other hand, he is impatient and entitled. Because he has much more economic privilege and has grown up being showered with praise, he truly believes that he is brilliant and too good to have to do anything except making art.

Finally, Jude and Willem host a New Year's Eve party at their new apartment on Lispenard Street, which ends with the four of them getting locked on the roof and having to jump down to enter the house through a window.

Personal Opinion + Favorite Quote:

I found myself enjoying how the characters are described, not giving everything away but enough to want to know more.

"There were times when the pressure to achieve happiness felt almost oppressive, as if happiness were something that everyone should and could attain, and that any sort of compromise in its pursuit was somehow your fault."