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[mon-cher-ami]

It seems as though I do not know how to keep friends. I find people who make me laugh, comfort me, make me smile, people that I begin to trust and to love like family. I shower them with gifts, with love, with trust and with my attention. I support them in all their decisions, I am a shoulder to cry on or person to just listen, but it still seems to never be enough.

Do I fail to reach out sometimes? Yes, I do and i admit that to them from the start. I become self conscience of my decision to bother them with my small talk that has no meaning. I’d rather call or text when needed, and what’s shockingly amazing is that they understand and they reach out.

But as always I become less important than everyone else, whats worse is I only become important when I am needed.

So again I live through the pain of broken promise, broken words, and broken friendship.

[mon-cher-ami]

Hello Friend,

My apologies for disappearing there for a little. I tend to do that when I feel weak. I hate pity or for people to feel sorry for me if and when something happens to me. I’ve been ill for a little but I finally think that I’m coming out of it. It was hell though I tell you. But I realized because of my issues from my past I refuse to let people see me as weak and refuse to let anyone take pity. And that’s the problem, I see their concern as pity. I don’t know how to stop this. I seclude myself from the world and put myself in a position where I feel useless and alone. I don’t blame anyone for feeling this way because I am totally aware that I bring it upon myself. I just wish that I wouldn’t do this and that I would accept people’s concerns for me and be grateful that they care and they go out of their way to show they care. I don’t know friend just tell me that I’m not the only one who does this. Any how, thanks for listening!

Always,

Me

[mon-cher-ami]

Today :(

It’s hard to say how I feel today. Lost seems to be the easiest explanation, but it doesn’t seem accurate enough. I don’t know what to do with myself. I guess I feel like no matter what I do I don’t feel like I’m on the right track for, how can I say, satisfaction? Maybe that’s why I feel so lost. Maybe it’s because I don’t even know how to make myself feel like my life is good. I’m always stressed, and worried and it seems to come from the fact that I can not satisfy everyone that is in my world. I can’t satisfy my employees, I can’t satisfy my family, I can’t satisfy myself. I know that if I were to ask my family or if they were to read this they would say differently. I don’t know friend, this feeling that’s so indescribable sucks.

Till next time

-Me

[mon-cher-ami]

My Dear Friend,

I’ve been feeling very sad lately. I can’t really pin the exact reason why. But what I have come to realize is that I feel so alone, even when I’m not alone. Even though I have people who love me show me affection or love, or surround me with laughter and joy, I still feel alone. I wish I could make this feeling go away, but I’m not quiet sure how. I guess what I can be grateful for is that I have you. Till next time.

Love,

Me