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Lola mila

Today I remember lola.. Coz one of our breakfast- keso de bola (holidays leftover) reminds me of noche buena way way back...in bulacan...

My mom side has always been very close, lalo na when we're younger pa we always look forward to christmas time.. 24th magkakasama na kami magsisimba then noche buena.. It was different sa side ni dad, 25th pa umuuwi ang side nya.. Kaya pag 24th naiiwan namin c lola mila sa house (sya kasi ang kasama namin sa bahay "kapisan" ang term sa bulacan) lalo na pag ala kami maid, sya lang talaga magisa pag noche buena.. E in our younger years, di namin..di ko naiisip yung mga ganun na baka nalulungkot din sya..kasi ang utak ko nasa side ni mommy, excited makipag bond sa mga cousins, sa delish foods na hinahanda ni lola ningning.. One night dec 24 (can't remember the year, basta way way back) umuwi kami late night na sa bahay after noche buena na nagaantay si lola mila, may few slices of ham and keso de bola..inaantay nya kami.. Pero we are already so full.. Natatandaan ko lang naupo pa din kami sa table kami pa lang ni lala that time i think..

Lagi ko nababalewala si lola mila eversince..inalagan nya din naman kami ni lala, pero habang lumalaki kami nafefeel ko "kontrabida" sya sa buhay ko.. She wanted to watch news, when i want to watch anime, she feed us veggies (that usually i spit out in the window- and oh boy karma hits(another story)) when i want to eat meat.. Lagi kontra mga gusto nya sa gusto namin.. Pero ang favorite ko kay lola is when she cooks...her asado de karahay, imbotido,soreche is to die for.. Tapos tinuturuan nya kami magluto ng homemade versions ng favorite snacks namin- taho, "dirty" ice cream, churros.. saya! Nakakamiss..

Until..college days ko, she got sick don't know exactly kelan nagstart, na-diagnose etc., ewan ko ba i'm so full of my college life.. I never notice na nagdedeteriorate ang health nya, i only remember hearing her moans at night, no one was there beside her.. (Sana pala tinatabihan ko sya) she was in pain, she was so sick.. Cancer pala, breast cancer ..then nawala sya lumuwas sa manila, she got operated i was never there, di ako naka-visit sa hospital, sabi nila cancer survivor si lola..

Few years after she got it again, bone cancer she needed to stay in manila for weeks then months.. Until one time da got a call we all went to veterans hospital (where she was confined), she was dying already and she wants to see us for the last time.. When i saw her my tears kept pouring, as if my eyes has a life on it's own na.. Naawa ako kay lola.. Then we went home na.. Few days, she passed away, late pa kami sa 1st day of burial kasi out of town kami..hayy really if i could turn back time.. Mas naging mabuti sana ako na apo.. I miss lola mila..

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Well it’s been a while since…i’ve been busy…or not ..just lazy…anyway, just feel like writing today.. Coz i’ve been bothered this past few weeks about peoples who have nothing to do but talk shit about me.. I been trying to ignore it but, they won’t stop it just keep getting worst.. Nakakainis na, really may mga tao pala na ganun pagusapan ang isang tao..super foul! Even yung pagiging wife and mom ko tinitira..full of hate.. As much as i want to ignore it, i can’t help it anymore.. Lalo na ang pagiging mom ko.. I’m not perfect but i love my son so sooo much, i love the family we’re building with my husband.. At pag yun ang titirahin talagang di ko kaya.. Come to think of it, salbahe din kasi ako, katulad nila nakikipag kwentuhan at nag cocomment din ako ng masama about sa ibang tao na medyo kinaiinisan namin kahit ala namam ginagawang masama sakin..hindi ko lang nagustuhan diskarte.. So maybe this is karma na din in a way, baka i should stop and change.. Clear my mind of all the bad things.. Maybe consequences din ng masyado ko gusto ma-get involved sa issues surrounding me.. And letting my emotions on the moment affect my actions that resulted to permanent damage..and now its haunting me..i want it to stop..but how..? Maybe i’ll start admitting may faults and apologizing (lunukin ang pride).. And then NEVER EVER get involved again. Lesson learned: *Never trust a friend too much *know what to open and keep *NEVER comment hurtful words about people to other people (they can also use it against you) *stop minding other people’s business *focus more on how to be a good wife and mother, good home maker *PRAY always for guidance.

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..and btw this is the cold pork ribs adobo with potato and the recooked rice..

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Alone

As a hospital representative back then, i'm used being alone..and it has never been a problem, actually most of the time i like it!.. Doing my own thing, having my own time i never felt lonely when i’m alone, for me i’d rather be alone than with a company of someone who i have to adjust with or being in a group but feeling like no one can understand the way i'am.. I used to shop alone, watch movies alone, go to the parlor alone, eat and have coffee alone…. Then i got married..boom!! Everything changes..*fastForward* I gave birth.. New house, new mom problems.. I need to do house chores while taking care of a baby.. *fast forward* my beginning of toddlerhood..Me having scoliosis, baby is getting heavier (9.6kl now) ,11months going 1year.. I can’t do it alone anymore, i become dependent on people around me that can be a source of help.. 😖 And right now, at this very moment i’m here in fairview, in our room alone with my sleeping child.. Trying to have a decent meal out of cold pork ribs adobo with soggy cold potato and recooked rice that my mother-in-law brought for me before they left for their weekly prayer meeting.. Wow.. How i miss my “Alone” time…gaaaaah…😧

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Nostalgia attack 07/07/2016

..triggered by a cup of insant noodle( specifically lucky me la paz batchoy).. The time when we used to hangout at a computer shop across ceu malolos (my school)..forgot the names but not the faces..“tita&tito” who treated our barkada like their own kids.. Every break or after classes we hangout there tita always have cups of instant noodles and whenever i don’t feel like eating rice or anywhere else i just have one, always partnered with crackers then i’m solve!.. There was this time when me & mon had an argument (can’t remember what it was really) and it was tito & tita’s anniversary so they brought lunch..but because i was really upset about us (mon & I) didn’t even bother tasting the food..but I was really really hungry that time but because of my pride i didn’t touch any (food) I just stayed in the corner…waiting for mon to notice and do something..but he also acted like he didn’t care..so i left and because i was so hungry i went to jollibee (malolos bayan) and ordered palabok with chicken joy, i don’t know if i was just so hungry that time but it tasted so good i almost forgot that i was upset..until my phone rang, it was him (mon) asking where the hell am I and…… I forgot other details.. End of memory..😑

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MY L I F E

Ever since i gave birth to kiel ,i haven't slept or rest.. it's been 2 months and 3 weeks.. there are lot of times when my body almost give up..but everytime i look at kiel (specially when he is peacfully sleeping) it's like my battery life is extended.. there are days that i wish will end fast..there are days i just want to cry, there's no one there for me, for us..every morning pipo leaves for work may nararamdaman akong kurot sa dibdib..kasi maiiwan na naman kami..ako na naman uli magisa kay kiel..i love kiel sooo much.. but sometimes i also need a ME time.. to gather strenght(physically, emotionally,spiritualy) and also to have peace of mind..to think and ask myself "am i taking care of kiel the right way?".. i want to have a little time- to go to the bathroom whenever i feel the need without waiting for kiel to settle down first so i can leave him for a second without being paranoid(worrying that he will cry or spit up or got hurt), I want to have not only decent meal( in the dining area-most of the time i just bring the food in the room so i can still watch over kiel)but i want to enjoy my meal..i want to rest a little so i can have relief from my backache and headache..I want a warm relaxing bath( which i have been deprived- i can only take a complete bath when mommy gilda or pipo will look after kiel).. I want a little of my life back.. i want to embrace motherhood with joy .. i want to love my life again....

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Insomniac

There are times like this that i really can't sleep.. My mind is full of thoughts.. things i want to do, sometimes i get nostalgic too..It's 2am my boys are somewhere in dreamland now..but me, i'm just staring on blank spaces...

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Sometimes when my husband is in the mood, i can get to buy beauty stuffs without explaining to him how it will really benefit me lol!

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This is from my previous tumblr.. the only post i get to recover.. #nostalgia