mommy-travel-list

[mommy-travel-list]

San Juan de Dios Hospital, November 2017 -- The flourescent light in the clinic's waiting area lit dim, augemented by the midday rays that pierced through the window shutters. San Juan de Dios was a hospital catering to the poor, and we went there in an effort to access the lower fees that our new onco charged in his SJD clinic. The brain scan results we held showed that her breast cancer metastesized to her brain, with there were 3 tumors growing. We waited for our turn with Dr Cornelio to interpret the findings and tell us our next steps. Dr Cornelio is the onco of choice for Stage 4 patients, those at the end of the line, and those who were open to what could be perceived as aggressive treatment. We were at the end of the line. We needed an aggressive treatment. We should have gone to him earlier.

His fees were expensive. I remember shouldering a couple of sessions of chemotherapy, and for someone who earns Php 75k a month gross, the fees were substantial. But money is just numbers at the face of the opportunity to help my mother. This guy gave us the highest chance of saving my mother.

I remember clutching the laminated card that indicated our number in the line. It was yellow, with the laminated plastic peeling at the sides, from the fiddling of patients and patients' daughters while seated on the cracked leather couch. I've cried many nights previous. My eyes hurt. My heart hurts. But I needed to put a brave face for Mommy to help keep her strong.

Mommy handed me a white sheet of paper torn from her Figaro planner.

"Places I wish to go

Help me achieve one/some/all

Faith and Gabriel"

In true Mommy OC style, she listed the great-to-achieve places in the front page. Important places like Canada to see her siblings, food trips for my foodie Mommy, and low hanging fruit like a health retreat we already booked. The back of the page listed the would-be-great-to-visit places that she also wanted to see. It was written in her handwritting that's all too familiar to me. We discussed what could be doable in the immediate time frame, and made a mental note to discuss our travel options with Dr Cornelio. She kept the paper in one of the pouches in her bag.

The brain cancer was a journey. She got better, and then she didn't. We did our health retreat in San Benito in the same year that she showed me the travel bucket list, and unknowingly ticked off the Taiwan trip during a trip with her siblings in the New Year 2019. I forgot about the paper. My mom died on 16 September 2019, then I flew to Napa Valley to cry. I remember walking past grape fields and crying and talking to me mom in my head. In the course of my conversations with her, I remembered the paper. I'll look for it in Manila, I'm sure it's just in a pouch..

My mother kept her medical files and random paper on the bench next to my bed in my room. For easy access to her records, when needed. She died, and files were never needed as she intended, but the pile of stuff just stayed beside my bed through the years. I couldn't bring to move my mother out of my room.

Over the years, I would look into my mother's pouches around the house, looking for the travel bucket list. To no avail. One day on April 2023, I decided to tackle the pile. To reduce it, maybe establish some sense of order, but mostly to look for that random piece of paper. 3 hours of wading into records by year and throwing hospital receipts, I found the paper in a well-hidden pouch. A wave of memories swept through me. I missed my mom so much. Four years after her death and the pain still feels like it carved into my hearth and in its place a black hole of sadness. It's a pain I wouldn't wish even on my worst enemy.

I took a photo of the pages and sent it to my cousins in our group chat. "I guess I have my work cut out for me," I typed. We made soft plans of doing some trips together, with Ate Charmi from Geneva to maybe accompany me in EU destinations and maybe doing the Canada trip with Ate Chris and her family.

Mommy, I want you to know we're doing these trips together.

[mommy-travel-list]

Narita, September 2023 -- My friend Michelli and I just ended our trip to Tokyo. The whole trip was a dream. The delicious food, rich culture, and the efficiency of everythinggg. On evenings when I walked alone along Meguro river, I tried to plan out in my head how I could built my life in a way that will allow me to live in a different cities for extended periods of time. A month in Tokyo, rest back in Manila, then try out living for a month in Okinawa for a chance to live longer? Then maybe Bali. My current corporate job doesn't allow me to do that. Maybe I could do affiliate marketing so I can get out of the rat race? Musings in Meguro.

Michelli and I planned out some details of our next big trip in 2024. Morocco sounds fun and could be financially doable for me. I read in a facebook group that someone spent Php 65k for her whole trip including plane tickets. Commitment from Michelli will be simpler since it's just a 3 hour flight from Dublin. I looked out of the plane window, and watched the city lights sparkle. Thank you, Tokyo, for being kind to me. I made a mental note of the FB groups and Tiktok hashtags I should look into for the Morocco research.

"Oh wait, Mich, is it okay if I check my Mom's list first if Morocco is part of it? If it's not, then I'm sure something equally exciting as Santorini is in that list. Maybe we can go there instead."

Michelli agreed. I explained the list so I could explain the change in plan.

Mich closed the book she was trying to read and put it down the seat in between us. She listened to my story through a couple of plane bumps and well into the flashing of the no seatbelt sign. She listened through the cities I've fulfilled so far and the next country I target to go to.

"You can write a book about it. Like Eat, Pray, Love."

I mean, I don't know... I'm not a writer. I can't aspire to be compared to a cultural force that gave birth to a meme for millenial women. I'm a basic bitch who speaks in run-on sentences. The books I read are on personal finance: practical and direct. I stopped reading art for art's sake more than a decade ago when I got an investment banking job that ate up all my hours. Maybe a new ig or Tiktok handle? But there's so much reflection I want to tell myself that can't be reduced to a catchy caption or a 1-minute reel.

So I'm back on the blog, on a platform I worked with in my younger years. I tried to create an account in a blogging website that required me to download the app and buy a hosting provider. I was instructed to click some things so I clicked the X button because I'm an old dog that doesn't have the bandwidth for new tricks. I hit "Forgot Password" on tumblr and received access to my old posts. It's been ten years. I put those posts on private and started fresh with my new idea.

I started to write. Maybe it could help out another grieving girl.