mom-to-an-angel

[mom-to-an-angel]

[mom-to-an-angel]

Every night you dream that you talk to a genie, when you wake up you can't remember what you wished for. One morning you wake up with a giant crab pincer replacing your right arm. What do you do?

I woke up with a giant pincer replacing my right hand. I can no longer write, or crochet or even wipe my butt like I used to do. What am I going to do? Life is going to suck!

I think I definitely have to get this removed. Nobody in their right mind can live like this unless you’re a murderer and want to do some god awful thing with this thing. I have no choice! It is so hideous, u can’t even stand to look at it! So that’s what I’m doing!!

[mom-to-an-angel]

Finding that thing that is missing…

Damn where did it go?

Hell I don’t know! She up and walked…

Suddenly too, like two months ago.

She finds me for a bit in the afternoon

For about an hour or so.

Yeah, her name is Sleep!

And little bitch keeps running’ off on me!!

[mom-to-an-angel]

You lost your job in Months ago. And it really didn’t matter to me, I didn’t know what you made anyway. It felt as though it was a secret. You have been a secret for a long time. Just going to work, coming home. Staying in your office, watching tv by yourself, then going to bed. I left the bedroom, and when you noticed I said because I just wanted to be downstairs where it’s cooler.

That was almost 5 years ago… now you say you can’t live this way. Why?

Why are just now noticing you aren’t happy?

It has taken you this long? Or is it because you are home 24/7 now?

[mom-to-an-angel]

Every night you dream that you talk to a genie, when you wake up you can't remember what you wished for. One morning you wake up with a giant crab pincer replacing your right arm. What do you do?

Definitely cut it off. I would not be able to stand the sight of it. It would just creep me out!🥴😩

[mom-to-an-angel]

Permanence

Forever

Always

Eternally

Perpetually

Evermore

Endlessly

How long will we miss the ones we lose?

Is this the price we pay for loving them?

Is this our hell on earth?

Why do these initial hours hurt so damn much?

The first day …can just take you to the darkness of hell and it is these hallows where nothing can touch you. You find yourself with every other loss that occurred thereafter…

Will I forget the smile or the silly jokes, snide remarks? Your laughter? Your love of Baseball or MMA, Football, Boxing, Cycling, your family? Hearing “ You PinHead!” “You smell like my mom”

Makes you feel like you hit the point of no return, and then you see something or hear something that snaps you back into the moment of reality. She/He is really GONE! NEVER TO RETURN! It can’t be! Just can’t be true! 🥴😩

[mom-to-an-angel]

Almost 4 years since I lost my daughter. do you think any of my siblings have called me? Just one! I have spoken to one over the phone. Spoken to 4 in person over the past 3 years. Seems like they just don’t know what to say. I am ok with that.

I don’t cry every day like I used to. I cry about once every two weeks now. That’s good for me. I am dealing with my youngest and her bad habits now. She needs so much more than I know how to give. I’m afraid I will fail her. 🥴🥲 My love for her is immense. I see myself in her. Her struggles are my old ones. I want to just tell her what dad told me but I know it won’t work, so I don’t know what to say that will work. To convince her what to do next in life.

It’s rough. Alexis too. I want to direct her too, but she is so sensitive I can’t. Quick to anger! She is a rough one to deal with. Ugh! Won’t listen any way.

[mom-to-an-angel]

@ericbraeden

[mom-to-an-angel]

Just too sad too see so close to where I grew up!

[mom-to-an-angel]

Missing Pieces…

Grief has a strange life.

At first it has a life of its own and can rear its ugly head and tear up your mind and soul,

Make one cry and crawl in the bellows of hell.

Over time, they say it will be your friend and it will fade. Time will be your friend. Like hell it will! Time does not go by fast enough! In those times of agony when one is crying and screaming in agony of loneliness grief, if only it would stop! Just pass faster. Time just cannot pass fast enough!

As that Time does pass, nobody calls or seems to grieve with you. It seems it is always the same. Memories come back and so do the tears. The yearning for the touch, the smiles, the voice, the laughs you shared together with the last time together. The “if Only’s” all come back. Nothing will help. Nothing can be changed. Reality sets in, Along with that extensive ominous agonizing pain.

It is nothing to just get over. Grief is like dying and being born again… only this time born with part of your life and heart and soul missing. Losing my daughter is like that for me. I am a mother missing part of me.

Missing … pieces …heart… soul…life

[mom-to-an-angel]

My Lovely

Like blood pouring from my ♥️ heart. How can we as parents do this? I keep hearing”God doesn’t give us more than we can handle”

Well Fuck that!! I can’t take this! I can’t!! She was my world. My baby! My love! My heart ! My soul! My laughter! My Joy! My Gift!! Why did she have to go? Now she is all that is not. She is not HERE to make me Laugh!

She is not here to make me Joyous, to make me cry or sigh or feel me love her. To hear me cry her name over and over begging her…

Please come home to me, come home baby. I miss you.

The day she left, I was trying to just take it in. Doing anything to just realize the reality that she was no more. She was not of this world. She was not of my flesh and blood anymore. Then I could see her… her face was crying all swollen and wet with tears. She said to me, “ I’m sorry mom! I didn’t do it on purpose!” As she was sobbing so hard. I just stood there and shook my head. I understood. All of it was out of her control. It was just her time. Her time to go. Her time to let go. My Gift had to go…

She was no more. No more for us to see. No more to be for me… Good bye my Lovely…

[mom-to-an-angel]

Missing Pieces…

Grief has a strange life.

At first it has a life of its own and can rear its ugly head and tear up your mind and soul,

Make one cry and crawl in the bellows of hell.

Over time, they say it will be your friend and it will fade. Time will be your friend. Like hell it will! Time does not go by fast enough! In those times of agony when one is crying and screaming in agony of loneliness grief, if only it would stop! Just pass faster. Time just cannot pass fast enough!

As that Time does pass, nobody calls or seems to grieve with you. It seems it is always the same. Memories come back and so do the tears. The yearning for the touch, the smiles, the voice, the laughs you shared together with the last time together. The “if Only’s” all come back. Nothing will help. Nothing can be changed. Reality sets in, Along with that extensive ominous agonizing pain.

It is nothing to just get over. Grief is like dying and being born again… only this time born with part of your life and heart and soul missing. Losing my daughter is like that for me. I am a mother missing part of me.

Missing … pieces …heart… soul…life

[mom-to-an-angel]

My heart is breaking.

My soul is aching,

ForGod is taking One in my life

Who gave me life.

It is time to give you back to the One

Who waited for those who deserve Him.

Be strong they say, but I can’t I say.

I just want to pray and be your baby once again. The one you held so near and dear and told me not to shed a tear. Oh I love you so dearly Mommy. What am I going to do without that beautiful smile and laughter? How am I going to go on laughing and listening to music without you ? What will I do without you here when I see my first grand baby’s eyes looking back at me?

I just can’t let you go just yet... not yet.

If you must go then hold me one more time and laugh with me one more time...just one more time...

Margaret

[mom-to-an-angel]

Dream

I dreamed I was with you

You looked so different

As if you were older, more ragged and tired

You came to me just standing there

Staring at me and aging and getting sicker in front of me

I grabbed your shoulders,

As if to wake you

Shaking you violently

As I wept and shouted in your face

“Don’t you know I love you no matter what you did in your past?”

And you continued to age

Dissipating in front of me

As you just became sand disappearing from life

And youreturned to the ground

And I woke up...

Then it made me wonder

Did you know I loved you no mater what?

[mom-to-an-angel]

“A mom’s Love is always unconditional”

...me, a mom who lost a child

[mom-to-an-angel]

The day I fell in love with you...

Oh my goodness you were such a pill!!! Ha ha ha it’s true little one!! Ask anyone! You used to be such a screaming loud crying little bundle of mad angry baby!! Putting your tongue out just screaming to high heaven!!! OR sucking your tongue ready to eat!!! Feed me NOW!!! Always ready anything to me shoved in that mouth of yours!!!

Oh but when that colic hit... damn!! You didn’t shut up for nothing!! Screaming and crying hours on end!!! Oh man it was awful... it took me a good four months to Finally bond with you! When you hit about four months old and you started cooing at me and made me smile back at you!!! We were talking to each other!!! I remember. I took pictures of you that day!! And you were in your yellow sleeper smiling at me!!! Such a pretty smile with two bottom teeth already.

That is when I tried to teach the word mama! And you learned it but you learned it as what to call your bottle !! Lol because I told you say mama!!! And you did, so I gave you your bottle right afterwards and so you thought it was the name of your bottle!! Positive reinforcement!! Smart baby!!! Dumb mommy!! First lesson I had to learn!!