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churro tw: death/grief “love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” i had several dogs growing up, they each left for different reasons. i was 12 when we got churro, originally named “sammy” by my cousins, and then “pooper” by our uncle, cause that’s all he did 😂 my grandma didn’t want another dog, because she had a childhood dog and remembered that grief that came with their passing; she felt like she’d already reached her limit of love and loss. but my brother and i insisted we would help out, so she conceded. and we did help; it was a family effort. churro was beloved by everyone in the family and touched everyone’s hearts wherever he went. he was the most gentle and loyal companion, content to simply be by someone’s side. churro was in my life from 2006-2022, 59% of my life, mine and my brother’s complete formative years. throughout it all, he was my rock that kept me grounded. he was almost like a third sibling to the pack my brother and i created. our old man made it to 15 years old. the last of his litter, he lived a long and fruitful life. it was really hard moving to austin in 2020, because I knew he was too old to come with me: that was the beginning of the grieving process. i was fortunate enough to fly back home to spend his last full day at Shenandoah, taking in the smells and soaking in the sun. i couldn’t have asked for more beautiful weather. he ate his favorite foods and had one last bonfire with us. on 03/12, he had the most gentle passing as well. i also didn’t realize how much i missed my family, so that was an added blessing to see them again. i know that i’ll always carry him with me wherever i go and i’m grateful to have created such a strong bond with him. what comes to mind is Shakespeare’s famous words, “‘tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” i get it. it was more than worth it. these are only a fraction of the memories we have created with him and i will treasure them all for the rest of my life. thank you churro for your love. please keep corona company and have fun running across the fields at the big meadow in the sky ❤️🌈🌾🍃☀️ (at Big Meadows, Virginia) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cb1qNLwAAdneMU3QJeQZCzoUwwDxIKCpbO6Odk0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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newest paintings ☺️🎨

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snippets of summer 🍑🫕🎻🏖💃🏻🕺🏽🥩🎨 (at Austin, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CSyPePgL5nrrFPnctR7yRBJtJEwhTWuR1E_4lg0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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Search your feelings to solve complex problems

Actuaries are well-known to use their logic to solve complex problems. Using emotions to solve problems is often seen as a weakness and possibly a career limiting move! However, humans house both a logical and an emotional factory. We churn out equal amounts of output from these 2 factories, often one more than the other, depending on each individual. If logic is considered superior in actuarial problems, why is the emotional factory still running?

The best actuaries I know search their feelings to find the quickest path to solving problems. They have an intuitive feel of what is right and what is wrong. They understand that they don’t have to be precisely right. They just don’t want to be precisely wrong. They are constantly able to triage a problemand make the best use of the current resources to solve the immediate problem. They don’t need to use a supermodel to solve a problem. They don’t even use a spreadsheet. They prefer pencil and paper. They prefer the old style calculator with big buttons. It’s not even a scientific calculator.

Q: How can these actuaries solve complex problems without complex tools?

A: They rely on their feelings.

They have built up sufficient experience and knowledge to quickly and accurately assess and predict the right course of action. More importantly, they trust their feelings. They trust that gut instinct that we often hear about, but not from an actuary.

Do you trust your feelings to solve complex problems?

Even if you don’t right now, the secret is, you can, with training.

Passing exams is the first training that you will face. But that training is only the beginning. When you actually work, the work itself is the test of whether you have really understood your training. When you work don’t just work blindly, as if you’re a cog in the wheel. Work as though you are a qualified actuary (if you haven’t already qualified). Work as though you are the best actuary on the planet. Find relationships in your work - relationships between numbers and concepts. Find out how they relate to each other. Generalise these relationships to other areas you see. Make connections between seemingly unrelated areas.

Do these in your work regularly, and you will find that your gut instinct will get better. You will then learn to trust your own feelings. The bonus? Work will not seem so boring anymore, especially with the more mundane number crunching. :)

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my new home 

Cactuscore

((because places with mushrooms and trees don’t need to have all the fun))

Wandering into the desert to commune with the red dirt

Lying under a live oak with a book, reading safely because the oaks will protect you

Harvesting prickly pears to make lemonade

Feeling at home amongst the longhorns

Embroidering bluebonnets onto your Levis

Speaking Spanish… because that’s the language the birds speak

Finding peace in the clarity of the moon under desert skies

Following the little creatures under rocks to where the water is

Taking a moment to rest beside the water in the cool shade of the palms… and watching the water disappear when you wake

Greeting the geckos on your front stoop and knowing they are greeting you back

The whispers of the townspeople about the skinwalkers beyond their borders

The warmth of the sun always on your back, turning and letting it nourish your face

Going out in search of the chupacabra

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big decisions, big changes

it’s been a while since i’ve written here lol sup. life is sure different rn lmao but this pandemic has been a huge blessing in disguise for me. i’ve refocused totally on my health, happiness, and personal growth and it feels amazingggg. the first month was stressful af but now, my relationships have only grown stronger and my confidence is restoring. i’m moving to austin, tx sometime this year or the next and it’s exciting and scary at the same time. i’ve only ever lived in nova so to move a plane ride away from my hispanic family is a huge change for me and will be for them; mostly bc our whole family who lives in the US, all lives in NoVa. i’d be the first one to move away. i’d also be continuing my education there, so going BACK to continue my studies is gonna be a struggle too, but i’m super excited for that. i’m really looking forward to moving! i love NoVa a lot; it’s given me a lot of memories! but i feel like it’s served its purpose in my life, almost like i’ve gotten what i can out of this area; like i’ve outgrown it. and now i’m ready for the challenge of a new environment. i also want that warmer weather cuz a bitch is cold LOL i’m applying to jobs there rn and so i’d move whenever i can land one. i’ve also been looking at apts too and very gradually gathering information. i’m in no rush to move, but ik i’m ready whenever i can get everything together. i trust that once i land a job, a lot of my anxiety to coordinate all of the other logistics will lessen and it won’t actually be that bad. i have a really good feeling and it’s so exciting. it’s exciting to feel “unstuck” and move forward in a lot of aspects :) another big change is that i’d live on my own for the first time! i’ve always had roommates and live with my family again rn and so i’ve never been able to freely decorate or organize everything exactly the way i want it and i bet it’ll feel so liberating. the hard thing about moving would be my close friends. i’ve made a lot of connections here and i’ll maintain the ones that are important to me/that i can, but i’m okay with not seeing them as often as i did; this quarantine has helped me realize that. the hardest thing though would have to be my dog and my brother. i have an elderly Cocker Spaniel named Churro; he’s my baby ☺️ i love him so so much and he’s 13 now, so if i were to move, i’m not sure what condition his health would be in; would he be able to make the trip? it’s a 22 hr drive and i’d have to stop and stay somewhere on the way. i’d wanna take him with me, but he’s also very loved by my family, so i’m not sure. if i told them i’m moving and want to take him, ik they’d feel a certain way or be concerned i’m taking care of another being and myself, but i feel like they’d let me and support my decision. now my brother is a diff story. he’s a recovering alcoholic and recently finished his outpatient treatments and therapy. he’s over 100 days sober and i’m so so proud of him. we’re really close and both live in the basement together so we have a ton of fun haha. i think one of my other cousins would move in once i move out, but i’m not sure how my move would affect my brother. he’d support me 100%, make sure i consider all logistics, etc. but then who would be his big sister? i didn’t live at home for about three years and had a tough time personally for a lot of reasons, but i wasn’t there either for him. i couldn’t be. and i no longer blame myself like i used to, but i want to be in his life. i want him to be in mine. i’m thinking of having him stay with me that first month, that way i have someone to help me move-in lmao but also so he can explore the city with me :) like a send-off for me and an experience for him. i think that would be a memory we’d both cherish ❤️

now FIRST, i gotta pay off my little debts and improve my credit score 😅, then eventually apply for a car loan and get a car (i’ve never owned one 😭) and figure out those logistics. thennn once i get a job, find an apt and then part with what i don’t want/need and what i’ll bring with me. i can imagine all of this already and i’m confident i’ll handle all the processes more than fine. i feel like i can relax and take a deep breath now. i’ve found my direction and i’m going towards it!! time to invest in myself 😌

aight, end rant, time to get high and watch ANIMEEEEE YAMEROOOO

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quarantine selfies while enjoying the beautiful weather ☺️☀️🌿 (at Quarantine Zone) https://www.instagram.com/p/CAMMmoFA_Du/?igshid=1f8najtmoqx4c

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happy belated earth day 🌱🌸🌾☀️🏖⛰🏕 can’t wait to experience all her splendor in the future ☺️ (at Some Where in the Earth) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_T7XSopitQ/?igshid=1ecdq4rqyh9mz

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quarantine adventures ☀️🌸 (at Home Sweet Home!) https://www.instagram.com/p/B--ekPapOV6/?igshid=1hlimz3z28r61

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the many faces of melanie 🌸 ft. the cherry blossoms. enjoy these bloopers lol. we went during sunset on a cloudy day 🌧 parking was very hard to find btw 😬 pc: @dean_machinee (at Washington D.C.) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-G7thMpwv9/?igshid=15heyb1opyj75

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melanie 0.5: the unsung hero. my hero academia, deku

for as long as i can remember, i’ve been unknowingly sacrificing myself to save my family. i traded myself to save them. i was hercules when they were meg, almost dying myself. but no more. i pulled my demi-god strength and that mustard seed of PLUR(T) (peace, love, unity, and respect, (and trust)) grew into a prosperous and beautiful mountain of it. the fish multiplied, the bread did too. it rained wine? lol i don’t remember. point is, i made a breakthrough; and it felt damn good. i hope this lasts for the rest of my life. even if it doesn’t, i know i can always come back to it in due time.

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my first ever vector illustration 🎨 thank you, mr. watson (at Falls Church, Virginia) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-FvlGVJ7ms/?igshid=16lxua3gz2li5

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PSA: EVERYONE PLZ DOWNLOAD THIS APP AND THIS INSPIRATIONAL TALK TITLED “what to do in these times” it’s so uplifting and inspiring and i know everyone needs that more than anything right now. he is speaking the true. it’s only about 4 minutes so it’s simple, quick, deep, and truly heartwarming. i hope it helps you all like it helped me ☺️❤️ stay safe, everyone. practice peace, love, unity, respect, and trust in everything from now on. that is the optimal way to live life and maybe even get closer to world peace. what an amazing time in history we’re living through. we are diamonds in the rough after all this. https://www.instagram.com/p/B9_JIqFJlZwshng4Qe8Ub-RuEVYdHwoRlNvQIM0/?igshid=1ncb4cppep81z

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update: i’m in love and happy. life has its ups and downs too, but i’m glad i have my love and my support system with me. this is gonna be a good year!!! i declare it!! i’m claiming my truth!!

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my boyfriend Dean surprised me with flowers todayyyy!!! 😭😭😭❤️ if y’all know me, ya know how much i love flowers and what they mean to me. i’m sappy so i teared up lol. my heart is so full. i love this man ☺️ also not pictured were macarons and mochi hehe (at My Heart)
https://www.instagram.com/p/B8YBEXNpzmg/?igshid=5mo44ollxkjt

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decisions

i had a dream that involved a real life situation i’m in; it felt like the future was being predicted for me.

i met an amazing amazing guy recently. he told me a while ago that he would be interested in exclusively dating, but not yet be in a relationship with. basically, not talking to other ppl. i didn’t give him an answer when he said that. taking that first step of a commitment seemed sudden for me. i’ve been in constant relationships and feared that i didn’t give myself enough me time to really develop as an individual and a broken heart was a concept i was all too familiar with; it’s scary. did i want to delve back into those waters so soon again? was i ready? am i ready?

i decided that i was and told him that i would like that this past tuesday. i was only talking to one other person before him, but not seriously. but this other guy has been trying to reconnect back with me and make convo, sure, but now he keeps wanting to hang again and i’m not scared of what could happen if i see him again cause i really don’t have feelings like that for him, but i am scared of rejecting him. and i really shouldn’t be. i always feel bad for the other person, like i feel sorry for them. like they’re missing out? ik i could be considered “a catch,” but i don’t like to always think that way. we had planned to hang this upcoming tuesday a while ago, and i’m not opposed to staying friends with him, but i don’t simply have no interest in him anymore, maybe even as a friend. he’s nice and funny, but that’s really just it, isn’t it. admittedly, i don’t feel a connection. there’s other habits i could list that i really didn’t like, but that’s the bottom line.

now this is related to my dream. so in my dream, i was already sleeping over at his place and drunk, apparently. he had put on a movie in his room and was coming over to the bed. i immediately felt awkward and enwrapped myself with a lot of the blanket to create space between us. he tried to hug me but there was still a ton of blanket in between. we were watching the movie and after a while, all of a sudden, we hear aggressive fighting outside his door and in the apt, and then the door gets knocked down! his roommate and cousin were apparently just sparring but it scared tf out of me. and he didn’t try getting up during the altercation to see what it was. dream him’s actions, or lack thereof, didn’t sit well with me. but that’s also just dream him so idk.

i wanna be done with him, basically, but idk the best way to do it. i’m gonna ask my best friend for advice lol. and advice about this new guy too. it’s so soon to think this way, but i think i’m slowly falling in love with him. and it’s so much deeper than all other past relationships. knock on wood, but i really could see him as my future husband. that’s a bold statement (lelz), but that thought has crossed my mind before and hasn’t sent me into a panic, so i think that’s a good sign. we’re going out on a nice date tomorrow night so i’m really excited for that.

here’s to this new development while also continuously developing on myself. this is gonna be a really good second half of the year.

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weirdddd dream

I dreamt a long dream this morning, filled with a lot of emotions, but mostly anger. 

It started off with me coming home from somewhere with my brother, and coming home to a house full of my friends i haven’t seen in a while. all friends i hug out with frequently last year. but the difference is that my ex came too. i found him petting my dog. i went “oh.” and he looked up with a sadness in his eyes and stood up to face me. we looked at each other for a while. my brother stayed in the room to make sure i was okay. after some convo, i asked my ex, andy, to leave. he hugged me before doing so. it threw me off. i didn’t expect it. we held each other for a while. my brother left us alone. somehow that turned into us almost hooking up again. but then i left and got mad and kicked all my friends out and was exploding from the inside. i was filled with so much rage. 

i had an argument this morning with my mom, so I’m not sure if it stems from that, but dream mel had all the right to be upset anyways. 

it then pans to me visiting a friend, who’s kinda more a friend of a friend? but i was with my little cousin jazlynn and we visited and went on adventures and i eventually lived there with her fam and started working? this is the part where it fast forwards a lot, and doesn’t make sense, but idk why i dreamt this lol. 

i’m not getting a lot of sleep these past two months cause i babysit in the mornings and then work in the evenings and wake up after 2-3 hrs to go upstairs to sleep with her, so it’s been pretty exhausting, to say the least. i haven’t had a dream where i felt like i was in it like that in a while. it’s the delirium kicking in lol idk. 

either way, i just wanted to get this one down before i forgot it. i’m still scared my memory is gonna just die off one day. but i can’t think like that. at least for now, it doesn’t hurt to record/keep a “receipt” of moments happening in my life, whether that be through pictures/videos, momentos, or writing these cheesy diary-like posts. 

but yeah, gotta go continue life, babysit. the chid is hungry lol.