mo157chi

[mo157chi]

I'm in Spain.

Dear past natasha,

I don't think you could ever imagine yourself living in Spain. But, here you are. Studying master's degree in Spain. You worked in Japan for few years and now you're in Spain.

For those people who underestimated you because you didn't get enough As they say. For those people who said you're stupid. You proved them wrong. I don't think you could ever imagine this.

You have a latino boy who constantly wanna meet you coz he thinks you're beautiful and he loves your body. Where before this, you constantly questioning yourself why people always bully you for being fat and ugly. I don't think you could ever imagine this.

But, here you are. Living life. Struggling a little bit. But, We're OKAY.

[mo157chi]

also, i do noticed my sentence structures are very unstructured in the previous posts. Im not bother to actually correct it, as to show how mess my mind is right now.

I couldnt think straight. This is is very tiring.

[mo157chi]

28 / 11 / 2023

Hello, future natasha that will read this later on and ponder; what the fuck have I been doing for the past years.

Isn't it crazy? Life is amazingly crazy.

For the past months, I have been waiting for this time to come-- moved to spain. I have been always loved spain since my first visit last year. And I still love to be here despite the bad water and air quality here, and these lazy spaniards that will always put their rest time on top of everything. Works and parcels are always late. Fuck.

Today's date marks 1 whole month I'm in spain. Who would be in their right mind to imagine, I will stay here. Is it hard to live in a country that barely understands english? ekkk, nothing special. I lived in japan before. Tho the level of customer service, they can never beat japan ofc. But, all is fine. i think..

I've never experienced racism before but, I experienced it here. Tho, not directly to me. But, it's my circles. and i find it very amusing. i am very amused looking at someone's brain sometimes. So, i would say i at least get experienced racism. Now, i understand how it feels when people being racist to you.

And, there are still pundeks who wants to disturb my family and wants my dad money. silly pundeks thinking my father has money. He doesnt even pay for my masters degree. So, shame on you pundeks. I am very tired of having to go thru this again. especially during my studies time. This is exhausting. I feel dull and numb. I cried, i had countless times of panic attacks since yesterday. My eyes hurt from the crying and the allergies i had. (yes, i have allergies flaring on my eyes rn. )

So, i had very terrible headaches in the morning, i felt nauseous and had panic attack. Which then lead me to here; i skipped both of my classes today. I don't think I will be learning anything today as my thoughts are in mess right now. And i definitely do not want to suddenly have panic attacks in front of my classmates.

So, does it really helps me to breakthru this chain of traumatic events and heal in peace once i moved out of malaysia? = it does. a lot.

i am away from my major problems, toxic circles. and i definitely happy because i dont have to worry about why am i not married yet.

I am away from everyone that could be contributing to my pain and suffering without them realising and without them acknowledging it.

hence, despite all of these shits that i have to go thru here. at least, i am away from these painful chain that contribute to my pain.

I am healing. I am going to find myself here. Be happy here. tho it is hard and im struggling to do my work and assignmnents and focus on studies at the same time. but,

at least, i am away from my toxic and painful circle.

sekian, i'll see you in a month. Everything is always alright and im very lucky!!!! (fingers crossed, amin!)

[mo157chi]

Things have been rough lately. I went thru crazy workloads and Alhamdulillah workloads are getting less crazy.

But, my heads; things that are happening around me. Its- bothering me.

I have been saying “it’s okay, idw it anyway” is just another way of me coping things that i want, but i know I couldn’t have it at the moment.

And honestly, this method is getting rusty. Coz my brain is not coping well enough that it is not deceived by the lies I’ve been telling to all.

It’s hard dear lord. I couldn’t go thru this. I know, i should have trust my timeline. But, this timeline is hard. Wallahi.

[mo157chi]

Straight Line

I opt to write before I start my day from now on. As i think, it somehow gives me a peace of serenity; sanity. Hence, a better way to start the day.

These days, I have been questioning about my life decisions a lot. A - LOT - LOT. Some of the things, now are all the things that I have been praying for before. But, why I don’t want it recently? 

I don’t question God. I know He is the best planning of all, He is in certain knows myself more than I do. I, question me, myself. I was the one who wants it. But, now I am also the one who is feeling unenthusiastic about this whole thing that I have been wanting, planning, craving. I definitely do not want to do stupid decisions hence, I always plan my life 5 years ahead. I like to plan so that I won’t be regretting my rush, stupid immature decisions. But, due to that... I may not regret the things that I want but instead.. I - questions the things that I wanted when I was at certain age; that only happen years after I wanted it. 

Defer to God knows best, He is the best planning. He knows at what time in your life that suitable to insert the things / dreams you have been wanting. You may want it now but God says; the best time for you to have this is on this year yedayeda & yeda. 

Allah will always give his servants in whatever things that they pray for, the only that differ is the time that happens. So, most of the things that is happening now are the things that I have been praying for. But as an ungrateful human being myself, I feel grateful NOT. A sinful act of an ungrateful servant but why does it so hard to be grateful and accept the timeline that we have been wishing for? Why do we want the things that we don’t have and yet we feel less keen when we already have it? 

Thus, my biggest mind probes right now is: what made the past me wants to have the things that are happening now? Coz, Wallahi ya Aalim, ya muhaimin.. Life is tough lately. Why the past me thinks she could handle all these shizz? Coz, I cant; I couldn’t.

09:39 // July 6 23

[mo157chi]

قلب

Heart is a vital organ. Our heart controls our mind, pumping the blood. Scientifically heart;  the heart has been considered the source of emotion, courage and wisdom for centuries. For more than 32 years, the HeartMath Institute Research Center has explored the physiological mechanisms by which the heart and brain communicate and how the activity of the heart influences our perceptions, emotions, intuition and health.

Don’t you realise when you feel sad, your heart sinks and you easily sick. As a trauma-sensitive therapist, I would say I’m a bad practitioner: Well if you’re fucked up, be a therapee yourself, do therapy to yourself. you’re a therapist arent you? As the saying goes, the doctors get sick too; therapist do get sad too. I don’t think 2023 has been going well or I can say, my life hasnt been that well. I may sound ungrateful but what am i doing with my life really? 

And, as I get older the more I realise which friends will be truly be there when you’re at your lowest and which friends will be there just for the sake of the friendship title. It’s funny how people can easily slip asking people to be positive when they don’t and they havent even been in the situation and once they stumbled upon, they will always be the terpaling tersakiti. 

Certain things, when everything is too much that it spills from my cup; I-

I feel like giving up. Living has been so draining lately. Adulting, friendships, relationship have been so tiring. 

I decided to be away from everything, everyone. At least until, I think im worth living again; things manageable-again. 

Back at, Heart; qolbu. Such a small part to compare to any parts of our body but yet controls every pieces of us. 

 I would like to have a healthy heart again. a peaceful mind. a sanity. 

a - clean - heart.

2023 July 5th. 

[mo157chi]

Hi - sashiburi

It has been awhile since i actually pour out all my emotions. For some reasons, I have been .... O-kay. (& lowkey busy with works while maintaining my social life)

Adulting sucks. I couldn’t believe myself that I really wanna be an adult asap when I was a kid. For keeping score, I am back to malaysia now. It has been a year! Crazy how time flies. 

Sometimes, I question my life decision as well. Why did I randomly decided to go back home? Apart from being a bit lonely, my life in Japan was G-R-E-A-T! I earned good money, my apartment was okay, i had a car (tho yes kcar). 

And so these days, it - has - been ... a lil bit numb. I feel numb, stagnant, stuck; sucks. 

May or may not caused by every little decisions that I made for these few years up till now. 

Maybe, a subtle change will do, enough to keep me keen.

[mo157chi]

[mo157chi]

[mo157chi]

[mo157chi]

Dear diary...

I really need a hug.

I'm so annoying...

[mo157chi]

It always has....?

[mo157chi]

[mo157chi]

I didn't know it's going to get this lonely

[mo157chi]

Me: *eats 1 calorie over my limit*

My self harm habits:

[mo157chi]

damn i want to scream and cry and throw things but the only thing i can do is stare.

[mo157chi]

I'm at the point where I'm pretty sure no one can help me. People reccomend things like exercise, books, or tv. But how will that stop me from hating myself? Distracting myself from life isn't really living.