mmmlly

[mmmlly]

xxxtentacion rant

(TW: ABUSE) hiya there kids im here to rant about xxxtentacion. i am in complete and utter disbelief regarding the reactions of the majority of people. the fact that aNYOne feels it’s justifiable to add ‘but’ after a list of the people’s lives he’s left a permanent mark on is unbelievable. but im not here to give y’all a list of reasons why you’re wrong. no, i want y’all to picture this shit from the other side. anD IM NOT EVEN GON TALK ABOUT THE HOMOPHOBIA.

i just want y’all to imagine this. sit back. put yourself in this. become this. listen-

you’re just like us- fun, happy, free, single. living your best life. you meet this hot guy online, cause you know that’s what everyone does these days. you meet up with him to see a movie. you guys get closer and all. one night you go to see one of his shows. after the show, he invites you to a party. later that night, he tells you that he really likes you and wants you to move in with him. sure it may seem fast but hell, you really like him too. you’re not letting this one get away. you move in together and you’re happier than ever. you get to eat together. you get to sleep next to each other and wake up next to each other every morning. it feels so nice to have someone beside you in bed. since your relationship is still very new, you’re in that smitten phase. where everything is just beautiful and every moment is perfect. about two weeks had gone by in a flash. time flies, you know. one day you were just hanging out with your friends. you noticed your friend (male) had new jewelry on, which you complimented. your boyfriend, jahseh, pulls you aside. smack. your cheek burns at the impact. in your state of shock, you briefly register the sound of your phone being shattered. questions of ‘why are you complimenting him,’ and ‘what was that all about,’ are thrown in your face as you’re still frozen with shock. fear sets in in your belly as you realize you hurt his feelings. it’s so soon! you can’t lose him- you really like him! you scramble to apologize to him and console his feelings. you assure him it won’t happen again- “i’m your’s, okay?” you hadn’t realized he was the jealous type. but hey, your man being so territorial of you was kinda hot, yeah?

later that night, you lie in bed, tired and content from your day well spent with friends. you preoccupy yourself with your thoughts, since your phone is now broken. you felt so bad about earlier. the scene replayed over and over in your head. god, you feel like such shit. it’s so soon into this beautiful, wonderful relationship and you’re already causing problems like this. you’ve gotta step your game up if you want to keep jahseh happy. speaking of the devil, a small smile appears on your face and you look to the door as you hear him approach. jahseh steps into the room with two grilling tools in hand, a metal brush and a sharp fork. you giggle a bit at the oddness of the situation. you open your mouth to jokingly question what he’s going grill at this hour, but stop when you notice the unwavering seriousness on his face. “pick one,” he says to you. a wave of confusion hits you as you reply, “what?” without breaking his unwavering gaze he demands, “pick. one.” he takes a moment to calm a seemingly bubbling rage. “pick which one you want in you.” you look at him with a mixture of shock and fear. he’s not serious is he? “i’m putting one of them inside you whether you like it or not, so fucking pick one.” oh god, oh god- he’s serious. you look at the fork. it’s pointy ends shine in the light. your body cringes as you imagine both knife-like ends tearing through your skin. surely it would tear open all the tissues, likely stabbing through to your stomach. you then look at the brush. it’s piercing metal ends remind you of a barbed-wire fence. while the fork would surely stab you, the metal bristles would lacerate and maul your skin, most definitely to shreds. in a dazed fear you, point to the fork, believing it to be your better option. “strip,” jahseh nonchalantly demands. you hesitate. “STRIP I SAID,” jahseh lashes out. hands trembling, you begin to remove your clothes. you can’t believe this is happening. maybe this is some weird kink he never mentioned? oh god, maybe he’s a sadist. or maybe he’s into that punishment stuff? maybe he’s just playing a big joke on you! that’d be best. you finish sliding your panties down your legs, and lie nude in front of him, legs open. you feel lightheaded as he approaches you. oh god, oh my god. are you going to die? is he going to kill you? your mind recoils at the thought of the pain. jahseh reaches you and you can barely breathe. he lightly presses one of the knife-like ends of the fork into your skin. he slowly drags the cold metal up your inner thigh, as if he were teasing you. your level of anxiety skyrockets. you can barely breathe. oh god. this can’t be real, this can’t-

you wake up a while later, dazed and confused. ‘what happened’ you thought to yourself. in a tidal wave, the memories of earlier hit you. you must’ve passed out. you lie awake, eyes wide, heart beating relentlessly, and register jahseh’s heavy arm resting across your waist. he’s asleep. as you continue to fill with fear, you snuggle in closer to jahseh, seeking comfort from the other jahseh from earlier. his warm embrace eventually lulls you to sleep.

months pass, you love jahseh with all your heart. you can’t stay away from him. he sometimes still lashes out and gets jealous, but hey, all men do. you guys decide to move from your miami home to orlando. the move is stressful, but all moves are. after about a week of getting settled in, you and jahseh head to a show to celebrate your new home. you’re excited to go out. you spent hours doing your makeup and hair and picking out a nice outfit. excitement bubbles in your stomach as your heels click down the pavement to jahseh’s car. a small smile makes its way into your face as jahseh reaches over the center console to entwine his hand with yours. you sigh in contentment. one of his songs came on shuffle and we both began singing along. you love jamming out in the car. you and jahseh both sang along with his verse, laughing and having fun. you laughed as his verse finished, smiling widely. as the song continued you hummed along with the other verses of the featured artists. you watch the city go by as you continue humming. when the song ends, you notice the car has gone quiet. you turn to jahseh who looks positively pissed. “what?” you question out of confusion. jahseh does not acknowledge your question you turn back to the window with exasperation. you hate when he does this! one moment you guys are having fun, the next his mood shifts and ruins everything. it’s so frustrating! you two finish the ride in silence.

as you arrive at the venue, you begin to shift in your seat, knowing you and jahseh will likely talk about whatever just happened before going inside. as jahseh pulls into a parking space and puts the car in park, you turn to him, ready to start your conversation. you open your mouth, but before you get the chance to say a word, he gets out of his seat and slams the driver’s side door shut. you sit in utter shock and disbelief. you can’t believe he just fucking did that! what the fuck! you sit in the car a few moments longer and ponder if you are really happy in this relationship or not. regardless, you’re still pissed, and stomp into the venue after him. inside, the show is a whirr of screaming, yelling, and accusations. you know people are staring and watch you two fight, but you don’t even care at this point. you are so fucking mad. after the crowd begins to disperse, you both silently walk to the car. your ride home is yet again silent. when you pull up into your driveway, you both get out of the car slamming doors. you both enter the house without acknowledging each other and go your separate ways. you head for the master bathroom. you look at yourself in the mirror just for a second before peeling of your lashes. you grab a makeup wipe and begin to erase your work from just a few hours earlier. you turn towards the open door as you hear jahseh approach. he stands in the doorway for a moment before asking you, “why were you singing his part?” you stand in disbelief for a moment. is this really what all this is about? “do you even like me?” he interjects before you have a chance to answer his first question. in both disbelief and frustration, you answer, “jahseh, of course i like you! why would you even ask that?” he quickly fires back, “yeah? why? why do you like me?” you throw your hands up in frustration. you feel your eyes start to prickle with tears. this is so fucking frustrating. he’s unbelievable! he steps close to you and says, “do you even look at my twitter??” your tear filled eyes turn to meet his hurt ones as you look at him in utter disbelief. then it happened. you briefly saw his eyes switch to a state of cold calmness before his forehead smashed into yours. you recoil back at the impact. you don’t have time to recover before he hits you with another blow. and again. and again. he punches you hard enough to send to the other side of the room. your shins hit the edge of the bathtub and you fall in, hitting the back of your head on the tough porcelain. he uses your new position to stomp on your stomach, chest, ankles, and face. you cry out with what little air you have left, begging him to stop. he grabs your face, reaching for your mouth. “I’LL CUT YOUR FUCKING TONGUE OUT. I’LL DO IT, YOU UNDERSTAND?!” the new wave of terror this statement, almost promise, brought allowed you to struggle enough to escape the tub. you sprint out of the bathroom dizzily, heading straight for the door. the throw the door open and run for the street, hearing jahseh’s heavy steps close behind you. you tear down the street, but not for long. everything moves in slow motion as you feel him tackle you from behind. you can only watch as your vision approaches the black asphalt now in front of you. you can do nothing but lie there as your face smashes into the gravelly pavement.

time goes on, and you begin to lose sight of who you are. you can’t feel anything anymore. you are numb. everyday, jahseh tries to kill you. your eyes are dark and sullen. your legs are tattered with scars and cuts from jahseh breaking hangers on them. your chest feels like a leaf filled cavity. you have nothing, you are nothing. except jahseh. even in your tattered, broken state, you still have him. you still love him. a while down the road, jahseh gets arrested. something to do with 2015. you’re not sure. nor can you have much of a reaction. you’re totally numb. since you couldn’t live with jahseh now, you ended up living with some of his friends. days pass. weeks pass. who knows. somewhere in this time, you sleep with another guy. just to feel something. because you can’t feel anything.

after jahseh got out of jail, you moved back in together. it was nice to have him back. you were just sitting together one night when he said, “i know you cheated on me.” before you could react, you felt the cold sting of a knife at your throat. then his hands. shortly after you went to bed. at some point in the night he woke you up and told you to go outside. you obey, not even caring at this point. once outside, he demanded you tell him the truth, empty glass bottle in hand. “tell me the truth! tell me the truth, or i’m gonna fuck you up!” not wanting to get hit with the bottle, you plead with him. you tell him you are telling the truth and that you’re sorry. your honesty was rewarded with just a slap across the face and permission to return to bed.

more time passes. you two move again. the cycle continues. looking death in the eye everyday. every muscle in your body screaming with pain every time you move. october arrived. “jahseh?” you call out for him from the bedroom. you motion for him to come sit next to you on the bed where you show him your positive pregnancy test. he steps out onto the adjacent balcony and begins to make a phone call. you look back down at your hands disappointedly, having not got the reaction you wanted from him. you realize as he begins talking that he has called the man you slept with while he was in prison. you watch his back with terror as he demands the truth from the man on the other line. he hangs up and turns to face you. you can barely breathe from the panic you’re now feeling. he walks around the bed to face you. without wavering, he promises, “you need to tell me the truth right now or i’ll kill you and this kid.” before you know it, he’s a whirlwind of elbows and fists. you barely have time to register one blow before another comes. the pain is almost unbearable. his hands suddenly latch onto your neck and start squeezing. black dots start to dance around the corners of your vision. you gasp for air as his grip releases, and he pushes you into the adjacent bathroom. you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror before you’re pushed into the bathtub. you can’t even recognize yourself. your face seemed to be distorted and your left eye was leaking blood. you vomit as your impacts with the porcelain. after seemingly hours of beating passed, some of your neighbors arrive to check out all the noise. you beg them to let you go to the hospital. before they even have a chance to consider, jahseh interjects, “no. your face needs to heal. otherwise they’ll call the police.” jahseh then demands you wear a hoodie and glasses. the people you were just begging for help help him cover your battered appearance. after covering you to their content, jahseh and the others lead you outside to the car. you begin driving, but you don’t know to where. after a little while, you pull up to an apartment complex you don’t recognize. they bring you inside, doing their best to hide your appearance. once inside, jahseh leads you to a bedroom where he takes your phone. panic begins to set in as you assess the space. the door remains locked, and the windows are barred. it’s like a prison. with no way to escape. you are trapped. two days pass and you continue trying to formulate a plan to flee. you never leave the room, with the exception of the adjacent bathroom. it’s monday october eighth. you look at the bedside clock that reads 2 AM and take a deep breath. now is your chance. if you fuck it up, he’ll probably kill you. you stand on shaking legs and look out into the living room where jahseh sits playing minecraft while talking on skype. “jahseh,” you meekly call out, “i’m going to make you some food, okay?” you pass behind him with your head down into the kitchen. your heart is pounding wildly. you make it to the fridge where you open the door wide. because of the angle and your small frame, you know he can’t see you from here. you take one last deep breath and start to make your move. you ever so carefully wrench open the side door near the fridge that is now blocked from view. you don’t breathe as you creep out, praying that no sound is made. once outside, you make a break for it. you are weakened from your fragile state, but you use everything you have to sprint to the nearest main road you know. having no money, you scramble to find someone who will let you make a call on their phone. once you find someone, you stare at the keypad for a moment before dialing the only number you know by heart- your ex’s. you almost sob in relief when you hear his mother’s voice on the other end. you explain everything to her in a breathless hurry. shortly after she comes and picks you up, and drives you to the local police department for you to begin your case against jahseh. you did it. you’re free.

—————————

several years pass. they say time heals but time can only heal so much. you still lie awake at night, fearing what memories your dreams will surface. you don’t go outside much; you’re too scared. every time you leave the safety of locked doors, you spent every moment glancing over your shoulder. you escaped but he’s still here. it’s not fair. he still controls everything you do. every moment is filled with fear and despair.

then the day comes. it’s june 18th, 2018- a date you will now remember forever. as a headline pops up on your screen you stare at it in disbelief. he’s dead. you stop breathing. he’s dead. you stare at the words scrawled across your screen with tunnel vision. he’s dead. he’s dead. he’s dead. there’s no way to describe the emotions you feel. the part of you that he branded to forever be attached to him is broken. but your mind. your heart. your soul. cry. they cry in relief. a feeling of peace and contentment floods into your being; a feeling you never thought you’d experience. you cry and you cry. you feel lighter than you ever have. your soul begins to rest as it’s chants the words ‘we’re finally free. we’re finally free.’

~~~

thank you for making it to this point if you have. now there’s just one more thing you need to picture. imagine going through all of this. all of these feelings. all of this trauma. and suddenly the whole world is against you. the whole world brushes of the above as if it’s nothing. the whole world insists that your boyfriend was a great man. the whole world makes you feel like your experiences are worthless and that you are nothing. imagine that. imagine that. i have seen more people than I can count saying that people not “respecting” x’s death are heartless and unsympathetic. you have got to be just about the most ignorant person to say that IM heartless for not offering my condolences to a dead abuser. if you can read everything i just wrote above. if you can read her police accounts in full, there’s 142 pages. if you can listen to other accounts of abuse. if you can watch surveillance videos of abusers being caught in the act. if you can stand in front of an abuse victim, likely someone you know well, and spit in their face. if you can do all of the above, without flinching, THEN. and ONLY then can you even try to talk to me about heartlessness. this is a real fucking story. this is someone’s life. if you are sitting on twitter, retweeting shit with “but” in it, it’s yOU. YOU are the heartless one. you are unsympathetic, heartless, ignorant, and have no respect. there is a living person who is suffering everyday because of this man’s actions and y’all are backing him up for what? you like what sounds he puts together with a soundboard? you like the words he said? he was “trying to change?” grow up. while these things can be hard to deal with whilst they’re happening, i’m always grateful for the truth they bring after. things like give people the chance to openly expose their values without them really knowing it. situations like this teach us who is hiding ugly demons in their hearts and thoughts. these situations teach us who the ignorant are. thus, if you can’t tans behind victims of abuse- now is your cue to walk out of my life. thank you.