mk-morris

[mk-morris]

Hey, I made this web series, here’s the pilot. Validate me!

[mk-morris]

Depression Party 2.0

Wow. I haven’t used tumblr since my last depression party, and that was a year and a half ago. Write something WOMAN. Clearly I don’t have enough thoughts longer than 140 characters. 

So, I’m going back on medication. Is it because I crashed and burned and am just a huge depressive mess without them? Naw. Well, sometimes. 

This past year was an incredible one for so many reasons. I won’t bore you with the details but the Second City conservatory program happened, I met a bunch of people who I’m certain will stay in my life for a very long time, wrote my first feature screenplay, worked on a lot of awesome projects, and ultimately had a grand ol’ time. For the most part, life without medication; as long as I stuck to my monthly therapy sessions, yoga, and my moodnotes app; was pretty manageable. 

Manageable. 

It’s not the best adjective you should be able to use for describing life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been happy a huge majority of the past year, otherwise I would’ve gone back on medication (and actually nearly did - due to a depression intervention that I ruined by being proactive - more on that in a bit). However, Mr. Grumpus is a sneaky old dude and changed up my warning signals. I didn’t hurt myself at all this year, that’s warning signal numero uno. I did want to die, but I didn’t start planning anything, that’s warning signal numero dos. Instead, I just had way more panic attacks, had far more OCD flare-ups (like, not eating because I couldn’t decide what to eat, or spending 2 hours cleaning a hair-brush), and for the month of March I cried every single day. But I didn’t want to hurt myself or kill myself, so that’s super manageable. 

Looking back, the crying every day for a month thing should probably have set off alarm bells in my head earlier. I guess something finally snapped in me. It was then that I called the suicide hotline, was put on hold for so long I never ended up talking to anyone and called my mom instead. She informed me that the family and my roommate/bestie had actually planned to sit me down and maybe talk about me going back on medication. So, I ruined my own depression intervention. I saw my therapist, saw my doctor, got a prescription, waited a couple weeks and then because the season changed things got a whole lot better and I held off on going back on meds. 

BUT, this whole episode did make me want to go back on medication for the winter (or for forever, or maybe a few years, who knows?). This wasn’t a failed experiment, I’m very glad that I went off of medication, I’m glad to know that life without meds is in fact “manageable”. It also made me think of something I heard when I went to a meditation retreat (can’t find the source so I’m probably butchering the story):

“You are walking along a dirt path, there are thorns and stones and it is slow going. The thorns cut your feet, the stones rub your soles raw, and you wish that you could stop walking but know that you have to go on. 

So wear shoes!”

This fall I’m slipping into my comfy SSRI mental shoes, and laughter will be my insoles. 

When I went off of medication and threw my first depression party I got a huge wave of responses from family, close friends, and a LOT of people I hadn’t talked to in years or had never really been close to at all, total acquaintances, which was awesome. There were a lot of well wishers, but more noticeable (and I think more important) were the messages about people’s own stories, especially those who have never spoken up about their struggles with depression or other mental illness. 

And while I do love being lauded for the simple act of saying what’s happening in my mind without caring that some people’s opinions of me may change,

... this party is really because of those responses/for those people. 

So, you crazy and/or sad? Come party. 

[mk-morris]

MK Goes Off Meds (You Won’t Believe What Happens Next)

Hi friends and strangers of the internet! Many people who know me know that I suffer from OCD and depression. If you didn’t already know that, well, SURPRISE! (I guess. Although the whole OCD thing becomes pretty apparent the more and more time you spend with me).

After much consideration and consultation with my doctor and my therapist I’ve decided to attempt going off my meds. We’ve also decided to do this MK-style, which of course means a big party (stay tuned for plans) and a big ol’ blog post about why going off meds is kind of a big deal for me. 

I’ve been on antidepressants for 6 years - that’s rewinding all the way back to grade 12, when some kind of hormonal surge hyper-warped my OCD into severe depression, making MK go super crazy. 

I did a lot of terrible things during this time. SInce I was planning on killing myself that summer I sabotaged the majority of my college applications, and tried to push away as many people as possible - in one case publicly screaming the worst possible remarks at someone to get them to hate me - yeah, I’m a real gem. 

Once medication was entered into my system I got about 10 billion times worse as my body adjusted - now I wanted to hurt myself and had more energy to actually act on it.

I starved myself, made myself throw up (not difficult since the medication made me so nauseous I was throwing up all the time anyway), burning, bruising, and carving words and phrases into my stomach and legs because I couldn’t get them out of my head. I used to carry an exacto-knife around in my purse because I couldn’t make it a whole day without cutting myself - I actually ran out of fresh skin at one point and had to cut back over my scabbing over cuts. 

I also couldn’t go an hour without crying which made classes pretty rough - I’m sure most of my teachers thought I was dying, which at the time was my plan. Sorry if some of this is a bit graphic, but it’s kind of nice to just word vomit all of this stuff out. I can’t properly apologize for the absolute monster that I was, and for people that I’ve hurt, but I can at least describe what I’ve done. 

Then the medication started working; I made as many amends as possible, luckily still got into Humber, and managed to have a really good and happy graduation and prom. 

And then I was only mildly crazy for a couple of years - yup, antidepressants aren’t the perfect cure - WHO KNEW?! Fast-forward to my first (and hopefully only) suicide attempt. I honestly can’t remember what made me do it, and it was a very half-hearted attempt (as I told one of the nurses later, I’m a very effective person - I like to think that had I really put my mind to it I could’ve got the job done) I mean, I didn’t even leave a note. That’s just laziness. 

For anyone wondering, suicide attempts are NOT fun, ambulance rides are also not that great, especially when you’re restrained and really need to pee. The psych ward isn’t so bad, but the sassy ER nurse in charge of you while you are zonked out of your mind and hooked up to a million machines was not so awesome. 

Trying to kill myself was the most selfish thing I have ever done. For my amazing, wonderful, life-saving roomies who called the ambulance, not to mention cleaned up my vomit and blood, and for my parents who had to come pick me up at the hospital and see me restrained in a bed in the psych ward, and for anyone it may have negatively affected if I had succeeded: sorry. I can’t say it enough - sorry. 

So MK, why bother to go off meds? Is it because the social stigma against mental disorders tells you that you don’t need medication and just need to “buck up” and “try harder”?

No.

The best analogy I can think of is this: if I had diabetes and needed insulin shots to maintain a healthy life, then I would not be ashamed of needing to take those insulin shots. BUT, if I had the opportunity to try to regulate my blood sugar through natural means like diet and exercise, even though it may be more difficult, then I feel it would be my responsibility to try. If (and here’s where my lack of knowledge about diabetes begins to wear down on this analogy) I end up going into a sugar coma and need to go back to taking insulin shots in order to stay healthy, then I would do that without any regret or hesitation - but I would’ve been glad to try it the all natural way, if only as a challenge to myself.

Besides, in the case of my suicide attempt it was partially because I had forgotten to take my meds for a little while, I hadn’t been going to therapy, and mainly it was just the time of year. I have to be really proactive when it comes to my mental health in the winter months because my depression is somewhat cyclical; it spikes every year in November and sometimes in March. In fact, this past winter is the first winter in 6 years that I have not hurt myself at all. So, even on meds, I can go quite crazy. 

If anyone has any questions, then feel free to ask me - obviously I’m super open about my mental health issues, because if my story can help the things that happened to me NOT happen to someone else, then that’s pretty rad.

For further reading that’s not all “MK, MK, MK” this article is probably the most accurate thing I’ve read when it comes to depression - plus it has fun gifs!

[mk-morris]

Health Inspiration

A friend of mine put a picture of a Victoria Secret model on her fridge to promote healthy eating habits, which seemed to work for her, but would definitely get me too thoroughly discouraged and probably backfire. This got me to thinking about what kind of motivation would make me have healthier eating habits. I decided that hot guys with vegetables would be A) appropriately motivational and B) hilarious. So, of course, I decided that with my lack of photoshop skills I should go ahead and make these images a reality. 

Sorry. (Not sorry).

Whether it’s the fit bit in your bodycombat class or poorly photoshopped hot guys with vegetables, a little bit of inspiration can go a long way in reaching your fitness goals. 

Also, I didn't make this one, just found it, but it works so well!

[mk-morris]

My Healthy Christmas Wishlist

Remember when you were a kid and you would flip through the Sears catalogue and pick out everything that you could possibly want. Or you’d play that game with a friend where you would flip to a page and each of you would have to pick only one thing, and say why you chose it? Man, pre-pinterest days. Anywho, here’s my Christmas wishlist, but healthified:

A subscription to Mama Earth Organics (fresh, organic, local fruits and veggies delivered to you weekly)

Thug Kitchen, Eat Like You Give a F*ck cookbook

The kitchn cookbook

The Oh She Glows cookbook (I know, I know, how many cookbooks can one girl have)

Pretty much any and all of the Fabletics clothes. Friggin Kate Hudson, she’s just too amazing.

Yogi surprise subscription – monthly yoga retreat in a box!

Gym membership renewal

Rocky Mountain Soap sugar plum gift set for my scale-like dry skin (paraben and toxin-free!)

BodyRock Hiit bar and weights

Yoga Joes! (which to be honest was a Christmas gift to myself – but now I get to wait for them to arrive. I love getting mail. Especially when it’s gifts)

A new gym bag (a real one, that isn’t just an old backpack)

Kiva giftcard (ok, technically not a health-related one, but like, healthy for my soul?) 

PS - is it just me or is this gif kinda creepy?

[mk-morris]

Ode To Panera

I was originally just going to tweet about how awesome my meal at Panera Bread was, and then I realized that I had much more of a rant bubbling up inside of me, and since my blog IS called “Thoughts Longer Than 140 Characters” this actually was the epitome of blog material. 

Anyway, I love Panera Bread. Seriously. I’ve been there about 5 times this month. Mainly because they brought back their autumn squash soup, which is unfortunately only seasonal, so I’m trying to eat as much of it as possible before it leaves the menu. (Side note: Anyone wanting to start an “autumn squash soup year round” petition, let me know). So, to describe this soup, it’s creamy, delicious, and not to be overdramatic, but eating it is like looking into the face of God and seeing Him smiling back and saying, “You are my most wondrous creation” (to quote one of my fav SNL skits). I had it in a bread bowl the other day. UNREAL.

  The second reason that I’ve been to Panera Bread so many times this month is because they have these challenges when you’re a MyPanera member, and this month’s was that when you eat 5 salads this month, you get one free. I’m already a fan of their salads, so this was not a difficult feat. BUT, I received some LIFE CHANGING advice regarding my salad intake, and I’m here to share.

I usually get the Thai Chicken Salad but without the chicken. It has edamame, carrots, red pepper, walnut clusters, tangy Thai dressing; really it’s not missing anything without the chicken. HOWEVER, as I ordered my regular order, the cashier suggested subbing avocado into my salad instead of chicken.

HELLS YEAH I want avocado instead of chicken. Especially because it’s FO FREE.

Delicious. Divine. You don’t even know.

  P.S. My dad has yet to pronounce Panera correctly. He always calls it Pantera or Pandera. This is actually a more common occurrence than you’d think, it’s a Pictou County thing I guess, of adding in extra consonants willy-nilly. Such as, “My cousint can play goaldie, he’s standing over there on the lawnd.” As my dad explains, “consonants are free, you never seeing them have to buy consonants on wheel of fortune, so I can put them wherever I like.” 

[mk-morris]

MK's Life Mottos

A professor once asked my class to describe our life outlook or personal motto in 5 words or less. I’m pretty sure at the time I chose “my eyelashes catch my sweat” which is the end part of a longer lyric, “I have the perfect body, but sometimes I forget. I have the perfect body, because my eyelashes catch my sweat,” from Regina Spektor’s song Folding Chair. I’ve thought about that exercise since then quite a lot (not sure why it stuck in my brain, but it did), and I realize that I have two other really good life mottos that are 5 words long: “and this too shall pass” and “do it for the story” – these are my words to live by.

I have the perfect body because my eyelashes catch my sweat: Our skin can regenerate and heal itself, we never have to think about breathing because our body does it involuntarily, we shiver when we’re cold because it’s our bodies’ way of moving our muscles to keep us warm, and of course, we aren’t constantly blinded by dust, dirt, and sweat because we have eyelashes to keep it all out. Our bodies are freaking awesome and the more body positivity and self-love I can promote, the better. It’s the first line though that rings especially true, “I have the perfect body but sometimes I forget,” because I often times do forget, and I instead obsess over that little bit of stomach pudge, or my ridiculously large feet, or my knobbly knees, when in wake of all the amazing things that my body does for me it’s these “flaws” that should be forgotten.

And this too shall pass: when I was first diagnosed with depression and undertook the arduous task of adjusting to my medication so that I could function like a normal person, this phrase kept me going for longer than I thought possible. When you practice mindfulness, you can accept the way that you are feeling because you understand that it will change, because everything changes, everything is always changing. Appreciate the happy fun moments in your life as they happen, and accept the bad moments, because sooner or later you’ll be back to a good feeling. 

Do it for the story: whether it’s asking that cute waiter for his number or standing on a table in front of 7000 Germans to chug a beer, life is for living, and taking risks and making mistakes can only contribute to your life experience. I’m a story-teller – that’s what writing is, so if I don’t have any stories of my own then how can I be a good story-teller? It’s sort of the less lame way of saying YOLO.

[mk-morris]

MK’s 14-Day Challenge Final Week!

Final week! I usually do regular and side planks on my wrists, mainly because I’m yoga girl over here, and that’s just what I learned. BUT my wrists were having none of it this week so I did go to my elbows for a few of the planks, and did push-ups holding free weights since it took some pressure off of my wrist – just in case I’m not alone in the sore wrist camp. So here's my week at a glance:

Day 8: Forgot that this was a rest day, oh god, what do I do with myself? (More yoga, obviously)

Day 9: Tequila and side bends DO NOT mix well.

Day 10: Drinking guilt and working out DO mix well.

Day 11: I climbed ALL the stairs today – taking my rest day early.

Day 12: Making up for yesterday like the good girl that I am.

Day 13: Could do all of the planks without taking a break – the push-ups? Not so much.

Day 14: Victory is mine!!!!!!!

I loved doing these challenges, it was something I could really easily fit into my schedule, and it made me more mindful of making healthy choices (well… minus the tequila shots). I almost wish I had taken a before and after photo.

Just to give you an idea, it would look pretty much like this:

  Amazing what 14 days can do, right?

[mk-morris]

MK’s 14-Day Challenge Week 1

Mainly so I could keep track of what day I was on, but also so I can comment on each day’s exercises without a new (and fairly boring) post every day, I described each day’s workout in a sentence or phrase. Here’s week 1 of the challenge at a glance:

Day 1: piece o’ cake

Day 2: nearly forgot – really great start MK.

Day 3: reeeeally feeling those side bends today.

Day 4: rest day at the cottage, how perfect is that?

Day 5: Sooooo difficult to motivate myself to do these today, but glad that I did.

Day 6: Definitely should’ve done these BEFORE the hot yoga class.

Day 7: YOU WILL EARN THAT BURRITO, SOLDIER.

Also, I wanted to make sure that I was doing a Russian twist correctly (surprisingly I was) so if you are similarly curious, here’s a great how-to video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeAtimSCxsY

Now, on to my final week. Should I switch up my planks and push-ups? There are so many options, and I do love a good plank variation, but then again, they are classics for a reason. My boredom may get the best of me though, so hello diamond push-ups. 

[mk-morris]

My 14-Day Challenge Endeavour.

Okay, so, to be entirely honest, I’ve had a setback in my health goals. Let’s just say, set life is not exactly the best way to lose weight, or even maintain a healthy way of life for that matter. I’ve slowly been getting back on track, but I’ve wanted to do a little something extra that really pushes me SO, since I never stick to anything unless I have accountability, I am going to do BodyRock’s 14-day toned arms challenge, (why, thank you pinterest) and their 14-day lose your love handles challenge (I just love me a good infographic). I will post updates (i.e. complain) here.

What these challenges involve: push-ups, dips, planks – side plank, side bends, Russian twists.

 First day? Not too bad, even though my left arm is a bit sore from a B12 shot. Of course, each day the exercises get longer, so it’s not supposed to be hard today… ask me on day 14. 

[mk-morris]

Infamous MK on Her Braless Burrito Run

It’s an ongoing fantasy of mine to be recognized on the street for some sort of creative work that I do. It doesn’t even really matter what it’s for, I just think the novelty of being mildly famous is exciting. Not that I’d want to be famous, but, Canadian famous – why not?

Anyway, cut to a Burrito Boyz server staring at me with recognition before saying, “I know this might be a totally random question, but do you write for a health and fitness blog?”

I was not wearing a bra, dressed like a hobo, buying a burrito. Why?

[mk-morris]

I really want to get more into growing my own herbs and vegetables, and I stumbled across this imgur post that features 8 vegetables that easily regenerate and I knew it had to be somewhere on the tumblrverse – although when you think about it, they’re plants, this should be an obvious fact, but it BLEW MY MIND, so jump on my excitement train.

Also, these would be perfect for living in a zombie apocalypse, because you can just keep regrowing them, you wouldn’t even need to leave your zombie-proof cabin fortress. I would definitely have a greenhouse if it was the zombie apocalypse. I’d also raid a Canadian Tire. Is it terrible that any cool facts I find automatically become fodder for my zombie survival plan?

8 vegetables that you can regrow again and again.

Scallions

You can regrow scallions by leaving an inch attached to the roots and place them in a small glass with a little water in a well-lit room.

Garlic

When garlic begins to sprout, you can put them in a glass with a little water and grow garlic sprouts. The sprouts have a mild flavor than garlic and can be added to salads, pasta and other dishes.

Bok Choy

Bok choy can be regrown by placing the root end in water in a well-lit area. In 1-2 weeks , you can transplant it to a pot with soil and grow a full new head.

Carrots

Put carrot tops in a dish with a little water. Set the dish in a well-lit room or a window sill.  You’ll have carrot tops to use in salads. 

Basil

Put clippings from basil with 3 to 4-inch stems in a glass of water and place it in direct sunlight. When the roots are about 2 inches long, plant them in pots to and in time it will grow a full basil plant.

Celery

Cut off the base of the celery and place it in a saucer or shallow bowl of warm water in the sun. Leaves will begin to thicken and grow in the middle of the base, then transfer the celery to soil. 

Romaine Lettuce

Put romaine lettuce stumps in a 1/2 inch of water. Re-water to keep water level at 1/2 inch. After a few days, roots and new leaves will appear and you can transplant it into soil.

Cilantro

The stems of cilantro will grown when placed in a glass of water. Once the roots are long enough, plant them in a pot in a well-lit room. You will have a full plant in a few months.

[mk-morris]

I have washboard abs, there’s just a load of laundry in

My stomach is definitely my problem area, and probably always will be. I get bloaty so easily, and all of my pudge is right in the front, like a middle-aged man’s beer belly. But I have really awesome core muscles, I swear! I can plank like nobody’s business.

On the yoga retreat that I went to, there was a day when both yoga classes were particularly focused on core and ab-work. I thought it would be awesome, that maybe I would have abs by the end of the day, you know what I got? Bloaty. It was a weird rock hard bloat though. I looked 3 months pregnant but it felt like a brick wall. Turns out isolating on one exercise is like, the worst thing you can do for getting abs. Ah well, back to the old drawing board. (AKA kitchen, to make myself a kale salad). 

[mk-morris]

[@tbhjuststop]

[mk-morris]

Reversing The Hate

In a yoga motivated body positivity attempt, I give you my wonderful perfect flaws:

I love my abnormally large feet because they help me balance.

I love my stomach pooch because it reminds me to eat clean and gives me something to strive for.

I love my short stubby eyelashes because they catch my sweat.

I love my squinty eyes because they make me look like the rest of my family (seriously, all of us – genetically squinty-eyed).

I love the pocket of fat between my chest and my armpits, as it has increased the amount of cute sleeved dresses I have in my wardrobe, and makes me get serious about tricep workouts.

I love my freakishly long arms, they make a bunch of yoga poses a lot easier.

I love my jiggly thighs, they help get me from place to place.

I love my red face, it means I wear my emotions on the surface, not to mention I save money on blush.

I love my abnormally large teeth because it means they got proper dental attention and are now super nice looking (and I had to get 7 pulled as well as all 4 wisdom teeth taken out, which makes for a good story).

I love my dryer than the Sahara skin, it heals my cuts and makes me take extra care of what I put on my body.

I love my bingo wings, they fly free when I’m reaching, stretching, waving, and motivate me to continue lifting.

I love my chubby face, it often makes me look friendlier than I am, and will probably continue getting me carded well into my late 20s.

[mk-morris]

Vino Vinyasa Vacation

Earlier this month I went on my very first yoga retreat, hosted by Power Yoga Canada. It was a short weekend retreat up at Cleveland’s House in Muskoka, and although I could probably have stayed for the whole week (or two, or three) what I got out of the my short time there was amazing.

I could probably wax on about the trip, and yoga’s benefits, and get super mushy and cheesy, so instead here are the highlights: 

I did not one, but TWO handstands. I cannot even express how empowering that feels especially for someone who is terrified to go upside down.

I really went for it with the rest of my practice too. I managed to hold crow for 10 seconds, a personal best (before falling on my face) and I came the closest I ever have to doing bird of paradise.

The theme of the week was “intention to action” – which meant awesome actual doable work. It’s great to say: “I want to be closer with my family” or “I want to have more energy”, but what does that look like for you? What actions are you going to do to achieve those desires?

I went there knowing absolutely no one, ended up carpooling with the coolest yogi who had tons of stories about the last retreat she went on, roomed with another woman who had just started doing power yoga, who’s first reaction to meeting me was basically “well, glad you’re not a serial killer”(EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING), and had awesome dinner time conversations with people from all over the province.

One of the facilitators never said “but” – he always said “and”. It’s quite literally taking a negative term and presenting it in a positive way instead. I don’t know if he even noticed he was doing it, but and word nerd that I am, I definitely noticed.

The studio was UNREAL. It’s in a boathouse, so you are quite literally floating on water while practicing.

Plus, who would want to leave sipping white wine at a lakeside resort after a full day of yoga? Namaste right here. 

[mk-morris]

What Weighs One Pound?

A bag of coffee beans

A tall boy beer

A small wallclock

A block of butter

A pack of spaghetti

20 AA batteries

A baseball

A cell phone in a hard case

A can of beans

A large apple

4 McDonald’s quarter pounders

A guinea pig

A loaf of bread

Half of my Macbook Air

A shoe

A paperback book

A football

Aaaaand… a pound of fat