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[mitzithedestructor-blog]

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back...…...

Last month, for the first time in a long while, my life seemed to be improving and it seemed to be changing for the better. I had two job interviews that went very promisingly and my mum was going to buy my deceased grandfather’s small villa for me to move into. 

So it was a proper job, away from my shit one at Beacon, and the independence from her I have so desperately craved. This was going to change my life for the better.

And I was starting to feel good about my life. I had hope. 

But in a matter of a few short weeks it’s all gone to shit and I don’t even know for how much longer I’ll have my crummy job at Beacon and having to go onto to welfare to make ends meet and my bills paid. Because of this Coronavirus- of course.

It’s amazing how quickly I went from having all that hope to having nothing. The new job prospects have dried up and disappeared and purchasing the house has been put on hold too.

I’ve got no hope for the future now. I can’t say I have any hope for the future. I went from having all these prospects for once in my miserable life to being right back where I started. That was my first step back.

Now I’m just waiting to hear when they’ll shut my work down too- step back number 2.

Every shift I have to go in and watch the cunt that stole my job swan around like everybody loves her and she’s hot shit and she’s ‘Miss Thing’ when I’m the actual experienced designer and I get to do alllll the crap jobs like globing and dusting. That should have been my job.

She’s a real, god-damn tasteless cunt who’s a big fucking fish in a mighty small fucking pond and she’s too full of herself to know it and see what a joke she is.

The amount of shit I’ve eaten down because of her and Beacon is soul crushing and absolute torture. It’s changed me as a person and to go through this extra crap on top of allllll that is a living nightmare.

I know I shouldn’t complain. I know a lot of people are doing it tougher than I am. blah, blah, blah.  But man, life is pretty crap for me and there’s no denying it once you look at it.

Why couldn’t things go my way just once? Why couldn’t my luck held out just a little longer? why did they have to crumble before me so spectacularly? Can’t life give me a leg up just once to help me advance just a little? It hasn’t given me much as it is.... just enough to keep me going....but happiness seems out of reach for me. Oh no. I don’t deserve happiness. I deserve constant failure and suffering apparently. My job in life is to eat an unending buffet of shit, day after day.

And on top of all that it’s my birthday next week and I can’t even go out to a restaurant to celebrate it. Happy Birthday to me alright. Shit job. No job prospects. Can’t do anything nice to celebrate my birthday. No friends. Pathetic family. Emotionally abusive, control-freak, psycho mother. My hope for the future brutally crushed and destroyed. Life yanked it all away from me. Just when I was about to get a finger on it.

 I am going nowhere fast. And that’s my destiny apparently. I’m never going anywhere with my life.

And tomorrow I get to go into work and pretend like everything’s ok and hunky-dorey and eat myself down another big helping of shit. That’s my real future for the rest of my life. 

[mitzithedestructor-blog]

Inner musings...….

Everyday I wake up wishing I was dead.

That’s my honest truth.

It’s not something I say lightly. It’s not being a privileged, white woman with first world problems moaning and bitching. 

No- this is honesty at its purest.

I have nothing to live for. 

I just have a few faint, flickers of hope that keep me going and stop me from having a complete nervous breakdown under the crippling weight of it all.

I have no friends. A shit job. Crap all job prospects. A controlling, emotionally abusive mother. A lousy extended family. I’m bullied and bossed around left, right and centre by everyone in my life. And the one person who I felt was proud of me and my pathetic “achievements” died at the start of the year.

I strive and strive and try and try- but to no result. My dreams and hopes dying just a little bit more each day as I’m subjected to this constant punishment and living through this misery called “my life”.

And each and every day I seem to wake up to more failure and disappointment day after day in a long line of days stretching back year after year in this endless cycle of shit.

My life seems to be a karmic life sentence that I’m paying for now, in this life, from a past life. I must have done something absolutely horrible and been a terrible person and am now paying for it in this life big time because things are so damn rotten for me. So this time round it’s just a whole long line of failure, misery, disappointment and crap for me. 

Where others have lots of friends and family, they get their dream jobs, they succeed and get their fairytale ending- my life goes the complete opposite. 

So that’s why I suspect I’m living out a whole tone of bad karma and that’s my trajectory for this life. Paying for whatever I did in my last life because I have done nothing in this life to deserve this complete bad luck and constant shit parade.

Life’s particularly cruel to me because it gives me tastes of goodness. A little bit of luck and success. That job I interviewed for goes to another person that I was so happy to get- for instance. 

But that’s all. No more. So I’m left bitter, starved and wanting. In this constant cruel, cruel cycle. Day after day. Misery after misery. Failure after failure. Forming one miserable excuse for a life.

Who wants to wake up to that, knowing that that’s ahead of them tomorrow, next month, next year? Tomorrow I’m just going to learn of another failure. Tomorrow I’m going to learn of someone else’s success. Tomorrow’s going to be another day of no luck and #losing. Yay.

I’d rather be dead and it all be over with. That cycle broken once and for all. The few good things in my life are not worth living for when they come with alllllll this other shit and misery. 

I told you this wasn’t going to be a happy Tumblr.

SP ‘20.

[mitzithedestructor-blog]

Mum’s Words of Wisdom #1.

When on the discussion of rent for the place she’s buying for me...

“I guess you can afford $500 per fortnight then.” Mum

“But that’s over half my pay for the fortnight!” Me.

Her helpful response that made me feel super good......

“Welcome to the real world.”

That’s easy for her to say when she’s on a 91K super per year for the rest of her life and she stands to inherit 500K+ from her deceased father’s estate.

My real world is something very different.

She thinks I’m on top dollar pay even though I’m just a sales assistant and I live this extravagant life because I buy my lunch out twice a week and buy two coffees out a week too. 

I don’t go out at night. Ever. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I haven’t bought any new non-work related clothes in over 6 months. And I don’t even my own car. 

And I’m not going on 2 holidays this year; one of which cost over 21K+. 

Yeah, it’s sooooo easy for her to say that. If I had her ‘real world’ then, yeah, I could. 

[mitzithedestructor-blog]

Opening words....

This is not going to be a happy blog. Not that anyone else is going to be read it anyway. 

This blog will be the best friend I don’t have who I can tell my deepest and darkest too.