mitski-creature

[mitski-creature]

[mitski-creature]

not personal but i honestly wish my fp’s friends would just disappear

[mitski-creature]

[mitski-creature]

The moments pass by. They become distant memories. And the past points a gun to my skull. And I grieve. And I grieve. And I grieve.

[mitski-creature]

09:53, 06/11-24

I keep thinking I have to get back to class, or to my room, the school in general. I think of my memories of the place as if they happened just a few days ago. I'm so detached, everything is hazy, and I am once again lost in the linear movement of time. I have to remind myself that all of this happened a year ago; that I am now standing in the same city a year later. Everyone from back then is gone now, and so is everything else I feel is happening now. It is a year later. It it a year later. None of it is still standing untouched. I have to remind myself. All of it is more than a year ago. I am older now. Time has passed, things have changed, and between now and then, all has faded into the past.

[mitski-creature]

[mitski-creature]

just you and me

to infinity

I can't fucking breathe

too much ecstasy

[mitski-creature]

lost my way in the chaos. cant find my way back. know i might if i truly tried. dont think I want to.

[mitski-creature]

why do I always have to ruin everything

[mitski-creature]

dont know why i popped. know the excuses but I know by now everything can be an excuse— not a true reason. dont know why. relapse season i guess. dont know why. dont know why. was doing well. not really, i guess. never made ot past 5 days. pathetic fucking fool.

[mitski-creature]

i dont want to get sober, if I could stay like this forever. sadly that's not how it works. I know.

[mitski-creature]

I found my nicotine, amphetamine.

The only thing that's good to me.

[mitski-creature]

got lost in the haze and forgot how to live without synthetic hope. ran from it all — still stalking past heartache, never going home. pain passed down through generations, impossible to escape fate that runs so deep. no hope without the pills. no future in a choice like that. gotta choose, now or never. reality or euphoric presence. no good choice. downsides coursing through the veins of life. never content. never happy with the possibilities. gotta go. gotta run. gotta stay. gotta love. gotta remain. have to improve. want to decay. splitting through the options. leave me here to die.

[mitski-creature]

if sobrietys truly worth it, then I guess it's too damn bad.

[mitski-creature]

fog clouds the horizon. thoughts fade by the second. craved a space to be away from the blazing fire. got to this false utopia somewhere along the way. lost track of time; heart pulsing through the bass, while the mind forgets abstinence. never letting go. never letting go. got the gift of content. never letting go. never letting go.

[mitski-creature]

my desire to be hidden from the world just keeps intensifying

[mitski-creature]

Czeslaw Milosz, New and Collected Poems: 1931-2001