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[mistervonhelvete]

me...

[mistervonhelvete]

[mistervonhelvete]

The Hardest Part/The Best Part

So when I started dating my beautiful, amazing poly girl, I will admit that I didn’t think much about what happened with her other partner, her husband. It was easy enough to keep it “out of sight, out of mind” because we didn’t live together. I didn’t have to think of her as being literally 3 rooms away from me, like it is now. We had our Sundays, we’d let our hearts grow from absence during the week and we’d explode on each other when we finally got to see each other. She’d find ways to sneak over during the week every now and again, but for the most part it was Sundays. No one explained to me that part of it would be the loneliness of “not my night”, I mean, I KNEW, but you know what I mean. That’s always been the hardest thing for me, especially since I moved in. The loneliness, the terrible loneliness of being by myself, knowing she’s RIGHT THERE. So close I could touch her, yet so far, she might as well be on another planet. Don’t get me wrong, I fully understand that it comes with the territory, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I also fully understand that he gives her things I can’t, he nurtures a side of her that I can’t....again, doesn’t make it any easier. The funny part is I can hear her right now too “so go and find someone that you can spend your off nights with”, but that’s not how it works with me. I’m a demisexual, a term I only learned about fairly recently, but BOOOOOY is it me! I need a strong emotional connection to be involved with someone and Fawn is my goddamn soulmate. My connection to her is so much stronger than it ever was with any other person I’ve ever met. So the idea of finding someone else and trying to grow that relationship, knowing that my soulmate is right there taking up 95% of my brain space at all times, it would just feel contrived. The flip side to that coin is that the time I do get to spend with her I cherish with every ounce of my being. It’s not always perfect, but love isn’t perfect. Love isn’t easy! It’s fighting tooth and nail against a world that would love nothing more than to crumple you up and toss you in the corner like so many discarded candy wrappers. The one thing I know is that love is worth it. I don’t think I always thought this. I have many memories of a time when I absolutely KNEW that I would die sad and alone. I had accepted this as fact and doubly so when I moved from my home state to where I live now. In the two and a half years I’ve been down here I’ve met exactly 2 people that I was interested in pursuing a relationship with. The first one doesn’t matter, we went on one date and she rejected me after...I gave her an out before the date because I had a paranoid feeling that she was just being nice. My anxiety lies to me all the time, but my Paranoia tells the truth. She was just being nice, she even talked shit about me behind my back which I found out about through a mutual friend...anyway, fuck her, like I said, she doesn’t matter. The second one was Fawn, the most amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, and powerful woman I’ve ever met. A woman who opened my eyes to so many things and taught me things about the world and about myself that I never knew I needed or wanted. It’s kinda sad to think that it almost ended before it even started. You see, when she and I first started talking I was gung-ho to move out of the wretched armpit of a state. I wanted to live in New Orleans, I wanted to be around culture and food and music. My plan at the time was to use my tax money to move there. Fawn’s concern, and justifiably so, was she didn’t want to risk catching feelings for me and having me leave within the year. I’m almost ashamed that all I could offer her in way of condolences was that my plans almost always have a way of destroying themselves. It’s funny, that’s exactly what happened, but not because my bitch of an ex wife demanded a ton of money or that I lost my job or any of that shit. Nope, my plans where destroyed by falling in love with the absolute love of my life. MY soul mate, MY reason to live. So yeah, I think I’m OK with those plans going away. I can also never thank MY sweet sweet baby enough for taking the chance on me and risking me leaving. I know it’s a decision she agonized over. So here I sit, sad and lonely because it’s not my night, but do I despair? No, because I’ll get my night and it’ll be worth the wait...it’s always worth the wait. Is it hard being alone? oh absolutely, but I signed on for this. I signed on that dotted line and handed my heart over to a woman who already holds a man’s heart in the other hand. Guess it’s a good thing she has two! Yeah, maybe she’s not always looking at the hand my heart is in, but it’s still there, patiently waiting for it’s time to light up her life and destroy any darkness she might be having. Love isn’t easy, but it shouldn’t be. On night’s like tonight it’s tough, but I wouldn’t have it any other way because that’s the battle I fight to be with the woman I love. Love isn’t easy, but it’s a beautiful thing. Maybe Stephanie Mills said it best when she sang those magical words “ I never knew love like this before Now I'm lonely never more Since you came into my life “

[mistervonhelvete]

[mistervonhelvete]

some people are afraid of being possessive but PLEASE be possessive of me. please. call me yours. say i belong to you. add “my” to every petname you call me

[mistervonhelvete]

this is @littlefawnequin​

Wishful thinking

[mistervonhelvete]

I need to remember this

🌻🖤

[mistervonhelvete]

I love the sentiment and have never felt closer to being there. I know I’ll get there, my journey of self discovery over the last year has been amazing, I learn new things about myself all the time. I’m evolving and adapting and changing for the better. Sadly, old wounds run deep and they take a while to fill in with genuine self worth.  I am the Key

"Once you know who you really are, being is enough. You feel neither superior to anyone nor inferior to anyone and you have no need for approval because you've awakened to your own infinite worth."

- Deepak Chopra

[mistervonhelvete]

Ive known her ..

[mistervonhelvete]

[mistervonhelvete]

Affirmation Time!

Repeat after me:

I am worthy.

I am important.

I have got this.

I can do this.

I am loved.

I am cared for.

💖

[mistervonhelvete]

remember to forgive yourself everyday.

you deserve to be at peace with yourself.

and if you can’t forgive yourself today, it’s okay.

do the best you can.

it’s enough.

you still have time.

[mistervonhelvete]

@littlefawnequin​

[mistervonhelvete]

[mistervonhelvete]

Soft Boi

Took me a long time to embrace that. I'm not a Hard Dom, I'll never be a Hard Dom. I'm not a sadist, except maybe when it comes to spanking. When I started a D/s relationship I identified as a Daddy Dom, but even now I don't think that really applies to me. I'm not a Daddy, I'm a caregiver, sure, but not a Daddy. I'm a nurturer, I want to see my sub do her best. I want to provide support for her by taking away her worldly responsibilities and letting her revel in her submission (even if it's the submission that she gives to her Daddy, her other partner/husband)

A fact I'm not proud of is I forgot my role in our relationship and withdrew mentally. Blame anxiety, blame negligence, blame complacency, all are technically right. Now I'm trying to rebuild what we had. I'm trying to prove to her my worth. I'm trying to remember exactly who I am again. It's amazing how hard it is to find yourself when you forget who you were. I wish it were as easy as just snapping my fingers and demanding things go back to how they were, but even using my "Dom voice" that shit ain't happening. Nope, the only way I'm fixing this is by proving that I can be the man she submitted to again. By creating that support system once again and by nurturing her to do the things I know she loves so much. I'll prove it by being assertive, by remembering that confidence that I once had to fight hard to earn in myself, and by being decisive, but mostly by being understanding and compassionate. Most of all, by reminding her that I'm still the man who she loved, respected, and trusted...not through my words, but through my actions. Words don't mean jack shit in this world, a man proves his worth by being the best man he can be. I got lost, but I paid my own personal penance for that and now I'm paying the penance being handed down from the person who trusted me the most ...the person I let down the most.

-Mr

[mistervonhelvete]

I’m not poly, but @littlefawnequin is...so this is definitely something I’m learning about...it’s been a crash course and it hasn’t always been pretty, but, for her, it’s worth it

Sometimes polyamory means conversations through gritted teeth. Sometimes polyamory means being disappointed by a choice your partner makes. Sometimes polyamory means the sound of their electric razor as they prepare for a date pierces through you and makes you want to scream. Sometimes polyamory means you’re going about your day and you have no idea your life is about to change until you get a text from your partner that says “Hey, is this a good time for an update?” Sometimes polyamory means letting go of people, and letting go of your expectations, of the way you thought things would go. Sometimes polyamory means seething, not because someone did something wrong, but because you’re impacted by their perfectly legitimate choice. Sometimes polyamory means simmering in your own jealousy, not wanting to do the work yet to move on.

Polyamory isn’t all kittens and rainbows, sometimes there are hard feelings, big feelings, hurt feelings. Just because we want to give our partner their autonomy, and we want them to be happy, doesn’t mean it always feels great to do so. Just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. Relationships of all kinds are challenging, and polyamory brings a complexity we don’t learn through sitcoms and fairy tales. Be patient with yourself when things are hard. Remember there’s a difference between “this is uncomfortable” and “this is intolerable”.

[mistervonhelvete]

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