misstwerkiebee

[misstwerkiebee]

I know we cannot always get what we want in life, but wtf did I do to deserve this shitty life?

[misstwerkiebee]

I find comfort in knowing that someday i'm gonna be dead and none of this bullshit matters anymore.

[misstwerkiebee]

[misstwerkiebee]

I just want to be happy. Not confused, not hurt, not stressed, just happy.

[misstwerkiebee]

I’m gonna always need you, God…

[misstwerkiebee]

i used to be the person who truly enjoys living. that “it’s not really that hard to make yourself happy” or “life’s still worth living no matter how hard it is” type of person. i was mistaken as it was easier said than done.

i’m now the complete opposite. no matter how hard i try to be happy, i just couldn’t. it sucks. how long do i have to be like this… lol. there’s a void inside me and i don’t know how to fucking fill it.

[misstwerkiebee]

“Don’t turn people into your home, or you’ll end up homeless.”

— Unknown

[misstwerkiebee]

Dadating talaga sa buhay natin na hindi na tayo natatakot mawala, o umalis, o matapos na yung buhay natin. Kasi eto na yung panahon na alam mong pagod ka na at alam mong gusto mo nang tumakas sa lahat ng sakit at pait na dinala ng mundo sayo.

Kahit kailan hindi ko maiintindihan kung bakit kailangan laging masaktan ang tao para lang mabuhay o para lang magpatuloy.

Kahit kailan hindi ko maiintidihan na bakit napakasakit magmahal ng tao, ng pamilya, ng kaibigan.

Kahit kailan hindi ko maiintindihan bakit may mga taong kailan umalis at bakit may mga taong ka paulit ulit sasaktan.

Kahit kailan hindi ko maiintindihan bakit napakasakit maging iba, piliin kung sino ka, mabuhay sa sarili mong katotohanan.

[misstwerkiebee]

For my own sanity, I prefer to keep my distance.

[misstwerkiebee]

“I’m not afraid of my truth anymore, and I will not omit pieces of myself to make you more comfortable.”

— Alex Elle

[misstwerkiebee]

Pain:

Most of the time I feel like death is better than life. I feel like everyone I’m around would be better off without me. My memory would serve a better purpose to their life than myself being there physically. The idea of me is more comforting than the physical me. I feel hopeless in a world that is desperate for hope. I am drained. Inside I feel dead. The only thing that keeps me here are the people I cannot imagine leaving. My son, my family. They may never know it but without them, I would have made the choice to end my life a long time ago. These are thoughts I never project. I would never accept these thoughts from a friend or loved one. I would always remind them how important their presence is to the people who love them. I do not feel the same about my own life. My life feels lost. My life feels like at one point it had a purpose but now I’m spinning out of control, grasping for anything to slow me down. Yet everything I grab seems to make me worse. It never slows me down. It only creates more despair and doubt in why I am even here. What the point of my being alive even means. I will watch everyone I love die first unless I make a choice to leave before. I battle this. This thought of purpose becoming disconnected from my being. I know the pain I would cause by leaving. I know the void I would leave within my loved ones. There is still an undeniable part of me that feels they are better off with their memories of me than what I would become if I were to stay. Inside I feel like a monster capable of unexplainable pain. This is a pain I inflict on myself. My death would only cause pain to a few for a short time. Then I would be accepted. My death and my life. My mistakes and my successes would all be celebrated with no more room for pain. I would no longer be an emotional wreck for the people who love me to deal with along with their own life problems. Maybe my life is meant for an end and within that end will come peace for the people who love me and want to see me finally resting. This world feels more and more benign. Shadowed by my mistakes I cannot seem to escape the intrusive thoughts of my own death. I’m aware of the difficult life so many overcome. I am aware that there are many who would do anything for the luxuries of my life. The emotional burden I have created and the turmoil within my life is my fault. Those who would benefit from my luxuries would drown in my despair. Things mean nothing. Possessions are nothing. I am nothing. I am not possessed by anyone, only pursued. I am pursued by people who want me to fit their idea of who I am or what I should be. I cannot even figure out what I am or what I should be. The clearest answer I can find is death. I love my son. I love my family. I feel physical pain when I think of the anguish I have caused. I will continue to cause these issues if I stay alive and on this path. I cannot seem to control where my impulsive nature takes me. The end result is always the same. Pain.

[misstwerkiebee]

I have no energy to argue. I’m okay with being misunderstood. I’m not going to keep repeating myself and I refuse to fix every little disagreement. Everyone will not hear you, nor are they interested in hearing you and I’ve learned to be okay with saving my energy and not putting it towards negativity.

[misstwerkiebee]

I just want to be found; i have been lost for so long it would be nice to finally be loved by people we want

[misstwerkiebee]

Everyday gets harder to breathe!

[misstwerkiebee]

I have so much more to say but i am always lost for words. I am lost for words…

[misstwerkiebee]

Araw araw iniisip ko kung darating pa ba yung panahon na ako naman, ako naman yung magugustuhan, yung ako naman yung ipaglalaban, yung ako naman yung pipiliin..

[misstwerkiebee]

Hindi eh, hindi kasi tayo maganda! Kaya hindi tayo mapipili