Bachelor Re-caps are almost as important as the show itself. Just, that, well.. they've become OTT and I prefer to keep things stripped back, raw and rather colloquial. Basically - I say what you all were thinking.
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Throw back to when I didn't feel personally victimized by Matty knowing Laura before The Bachelor series and then telling us it was game over on their first date. My heart can't take it..
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The Bachelorette: Episode 1
GURLLLL hold onto your Wednesday evening wine, Sophie has arrived to hopefully amend the absolute YAWN ending that was Matty & Laura (no I am not bloody over it yet).
I AM SO BLOODY EXCITED. #SOPHIE4RATINGS2017!! Don’t let us down Sophie, I expect you to have no filter and talk like a truck driver - don’t change a thing for TV.
OOOoooOoo looks like we’re keeping Osher and his pointless commentary. He then introducing us to the season, telling us all that #queensophie started from humble beginnings…
I personally, find it hard to pin point my favourite part of her humble career. But seriously shout out to Sophie for being the original poster girl for #Puma though (eat your heart out Kylie J).
Viser game strong.
If you had forgotten Sophie’s hit single please take a few minutes and re-watch it here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Se3Hxps8EKg
Sophie then tells us how all she has ever wanted is a down to earth, Aussie bloke. Someone who will love her for her craziness, quirkiness & weirdness (the girl really speaks highly of herself).
OMG YOU GUYS she wants people to love her for her, not the Hollywood image of her. Sophie - you make it hard. How is it possible to look sexy, be water drenched and smashing a burger at the same time?
#goals #jelly
OKAY MOVING ON FROM SOPHIE CONTENT but just one last thing.
BLOODY AMAZE EYEBALLS.
Osher then asks Sophie what she is looking for and she says “I don’t really care about looks”.
THANK GOD because the Bachie Producers apparently struggled to find older, single and shredded males for you... #soznotsoz
Sophie: “I don’t want someone prettier than me”.
Bachie Producers “No wakkas”....
TIME TO MEET THE MEDIOCRE BACHIE HOPEFULS!
The first limo arrives and Sophie looks terrified...that or she is thinking about if her boobs still look funny in this dress and can Australia see that through camera...
NOW I AM ONLY GOING TO TOUCH ON THE ONES WORTH A MENTION!!
First up. Opollo. 24 (little babeh) and magician... Can’t hardly wait for all the shocking “magic” puns to come.
He enters with some cliche smoke clouds and get’s things LIT.
Blake. 29... looks like Sam Wood with the personality of Jen.
His background “i am the villain video” went a little like this:
Blake also walks in confidently holding a box... and my mind legit went to:
He then pretty much tells us it is packed with a goody hamper and is totes trying to buy her love. Douche score 10/10.
Eden. 33 red tracksuit sweaty dude.
He introduces himself to Sophie with an awkward break dance... gives her a tradesman smile & then sweats profusely. #filth
Also I’d like to think Adidas had nothing to do with this.
He finally wraps up his lack luster intro and thinks that he is funny because he asks Sophie if she recognizes the boom box... because she is old. #GTFO don’t talk smack about #queensophie
James. 31. Super nervous and the nice guy. Weirdly talks out of the corner of his mouth? But Sophie seems to dig him, so here he is peeps.
Jarrod. 31 - owns and operates a vineyard. Sophie also seems SUPER into this dude.
But i can’t stop staring at his forehead. That brow bone though...
He introduces himself to Sophie with a bucket of grapes to squish. MATE SHE IS IN A BALL GOWN AND HEELS some consideration of that would’ve been good.
Jefferson. 30 - the guy who slept while the show was filming. WHAT A FRIGGEN HERO. Legit priorities.
Again, what an absolute lege.
Jefferson also teased us all and met Sophie with a pizza box... filled with roses.WHAT A DUMB IDEA JEFFERSON... seriously you are going to a mansion filled with unsponsored red roses (seriously roses only or cadbury roses get on that already) and thought hey great idea - i’ll take Sophie MORE BLOODY ROSES.
Whereas if you bought her pizza - you would’ve had the hearts of all Australian women and men alike.
End of rant.
Jourdan. 25. Going home soon - but worth a mention due to the CRAZY FACTOR.
Mackane. 35.
No words needed for him just this one picture....
WAIT no that’s a lie he is attempting to serenade Sophie and it is an ACTUAL train wreck. I die. STOP IT MACKANE STOP IT. Cringe.
OMG LOL SOPHIE CLAPPED HIM AND HE WASN’T DONE YET - TAKE A HINT BUDDY!
Luke 33.
SILVER FOX. MC STEAMY VIBES. HellllOOooooOoooo. THANK GOD finally someone aesthetically pleasing to the eye.
Also... washboard abs. Leaving this here for you all to enjoy... You are most welcome! #thatbodthough
My only issue with Luke is how perfectly curated his instagram is. That gives me weird vibes and yes I am jelly.
AND YES I HAVE ALREADY STALKED HIM don’t be judgey. More Luke content can be located here: https://www.instagram.com/luke.mcleod/
NEXT UP Ryan 26. LEGIT F**KING PSYCHO. Getting control freak vibes from this one. He is also really blunt & rude but like in a SHUT.THE.F.UP way. Toss this one Soph.
And finally.... The comb over and controversial Uncle Sam. The 31 year old man child.
THAT HAIR is garbage & Sophie agrees. Should we take bets to see if they cut it at some point? Or maybe we can get some Pantene integration that would be swell.
Sam enlists the help of his 3x younger nephews to tell Sophie just how bloody awesome he is. Maybe Sam got confused, Matty was this year’s Bachie obsessed with having babies...
SWEET BABY JESUS THIS IS SUCH A LONG EPISODE TONIGHT! Hang in there my friends.
COCKTAIL PARTY!!
Oh hey Osher already forgot about you. ZOMG YOU GUYS IT IS A BACHIE FIRST!!! Dun dun dahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
<insertdrumrollhere>
THE DOUBLE DELIGHT ROSE. OOOooOOOO. Stop it really thinking outside the box here guys, you get 2x dates instead of 1x!!
Also - super suggestive name...
In a Bachie first they all play “never have i ever” until it goes horribly wrong and Jourdan (crazy Jourdan) is in tears.
Why?
NO ONE BLOODY KNOWS. #dramaqueen
Sophie assumes he has been cheated on which is horrible, but he tells Sophie that he was accused of cheating but didn’t and that his girlfriend didn’t cheat on him.
And everyone is like...
Sophie then takes him away for a chat out of guilt...until the highlight of the evening occurred.
“THERE IS AN OTTER IN THE POOL, SOPHIE COME LOOK THERE IS AN OTTER IN THE POOL”.
LOL... Guys you are in Glenorie/Middle Dural... IN AUSTRALIA we have no Otters. None the less, entertaining to watch the excitement levels go from 0-10.
Things continue to get weirder as the boys yell out “WALK OFF” and they all begin strutting their stuff, kind of like male peacocks trying to get Sophie’s attention and love.
Uncle Sam is deemed the loser, and has to strip off to do a undie run. Nothing but class with Sophie bless her.
And Sam is wearing long johns and potentially the unsexiest pair of underwear ever...
PUT IT AWAY SAM.
Sophie then gives Uncle Sam the holy double date rose. Sam, sam the man child man is safe for another day.
ROSE CEREMONY!!
Sophie then sends home 2x dudes that got 0 screen time and i can’t even tell you their names.
Here’s to hoping that the Bachie Producers have selected prawns, so we will have mad bods to look at in future eps!
Didn’t mention this dude but i have a feeling this series is going to be...
DAB. U. LOUS!
#the bachelorette#the bachelorette australia#bachierecap#sophiemonk#thebachelor#puma#bardot#realitytv#guiltypleasure
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QUEEN SOPHIE HAS ARRIVED!
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