miserably-happy-go-lucky

[miserably-happy-go-lucky]

Will I ever actually be happy with myself? Genuinely happy. That’s all I want.

[miserably-happy-go-lucky]

The thought of mortality breaks my heart.

[miserably-happy-go-lucky]

When I’m with others, my friends, family, or colleagues, I’m that bubbly type, the happy-go-lucky girl, who’s always smiling, laughing, and joking around. I love having a great time, and everyone around me acknowledges, and even compliments me for my joyous and carefree nature.

When I’m alone I tend to torture myself. I reminisce on days that have passed me by, without hesitation I regret my entire life, and I realize everything that I have loved, or ever will love, has been, or soon will be, taken away from me.

I miss all of those who I have loved throughout my life, who have unfortunately died, they’re never coming back, and it breaks me.

I’m not in control of anything that happens. I never have been, and I never will be..

For a long time I’ve stayed alive as to not hurt anyone else. But I am miserable.

I just have to sit here as the speculator, trying to find purpose somewhere.

Because although I am happy-go-lucky, I am more than depressed, and these feelings will not go away… No matter how much I “heal”…

I fear one day, living for someone else, will no longer work, and I will leave this earth too.

I have been putting on a pretty good show, sometimes I even forget that I’m depressed.

I’ll believe that I’m happy, if that makes you happy too.

[miserably-happy-go-lucky]

Consensus says I am quite fond of the tortuous feeling that reminiscing in nostalgia’s pleasures brings to me. Emotional mutilation.

🥺🎄✨