miserablemistakes - Tumblr blog

miserablemistakes · 6 years ago

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Rest in Peace

It's been 3 months since you passed away. I feel bad for sometimes forgetting that you're gone. Sometimes I talk about you to my coworkers, saying "Oh Spot does this, Spot does that," but then it hits me that you're not here anymore. You were one of the most important things in my life. You were my best friend, you were the best thing that could ever happen to us as a family. You gave us so much happiness. The whole family loved you so much. You were such a blessing. I still can't believe that you're really gone. We had you for so many years, through the biggest ups and downs of our lives. Funny thing is, we had always said we needed to give you away. That my mom couldn't have you around anymore because you were making her sick. But we never gave you away. My mom never let that happen. She always wanted to keep you around. Even knowing that you made her asthma more active, she still refused to let you go. I remember seeing you so happy and playful at 320. I would always steal you from my brothers room when he went out, because he wouldn't let me have you, even for an hour. I let you roam in my room, and we watched movies, TV, cuddled. We even shared some food! You are the best cat that a family could have ever asked for. You were the best, best friend that I could have ever asked for. When I was sad, you would come and lay with me, and purr and let me cuddle with you. Times flies by, since you've been gone. Sometimes I thank work for being there, because if it weren't for it, I'd be sitting at home, crying every night knowing you aren't here anymore. I know you wouldn't want that. You would've wanted all of us to stay positive, and go on and be happy. Sometimes I lie awake at night, thinking of all the great times we had together. It makes me sad, and of course I cry, but I'm just glad that you're finally free of all the pain you were in. You deserve to be up there, playing with all the other kitties, and eating all the wet food that you could have. You were always a fat kitty, that's for sure. Even in your final days, you still would try to eat, knowing you couldn't really keep it down. You just wanted to make sure to let my mom know that you were trying your hardest to stay with us. In the end, you were just getting too old, and too tired, and you wanted to sleep now. It was hard to say goodbye, but it was for the best.

I'm just sad that we couldn't save you anymore. Now, I barely talk about this, because it always brings bad memories, but I just feel like I should let you know. When I found out that you had passed, my heart was shattered. At first, I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to keep on dreaming that you were still with us, that you were holding on, just for a little bit. Sadly, that wasn't the case. My mom told me that you passed the day before, probably around the middle of the day, when we were all at work. We all feel sorry that you died on your own. We're all so sorry that you took your final breath, when we weren't there to hold your paw. My mom took it the hardest. We were all saying that it would be best to put you down, so the pain would go away, but we ended up not. I told my mom, that I knew if you wanted to pass, you wouldn't want to be alone. And we all missed it. That will be one of the biggest regrets I'll have for the rest of my life. Knowing that we didn't get to hold your paw goodbye. I'm sorry, Spot. I'm really, really sorry. When my mom and I saw each other, she said we had to go to the store. I was a little confused at first, but once she explained to me, I knew what she meant. In her mind, she could still feel, and see, a heartbeat, going slow, but still going. She kept telling my dad "see! He's still breathing, I can see his chest moving up and down!" But my dad knew that she just wanted to believe that. I agreed with my dad on it, until I myself witnessed it. So we went to the store and bought a small mirror, knowing that a trick is to put it up to your nose to see if it would fog. I mean, we both hoped that you were still alive, just a little bit. Just so you didn't have to die alone. So after we get the mirror, we go back. She tells me to wait in the car, and she'll go and check, just so I wouldn't have to see. So she comes back, and she just nods, and I know. She asked me if I wanted to see, so I did. I went and I saw you. My mom had you in a little box, and had you covered with a little towel, just so you could stay warm and cozy. When I lifted the towel, I already knew you were gone. I could just see it. It broke my heart to see you. You looked so small. But, in the end you looked at peace. I put the mirror up to your nose. Nothing. I checked to see if I could sense a pulse. Sadly, I experienced what my mom did. For a split second, I thought I felt a heartbeat. A split second. But then, as fast as it came, is as fast as it went. I couldn't feel anything. I tucked you back in, to make sure you were very comfy, and I went out and closed the door. I sat there, silent. Not knowing what to feel. Sadness, anger, torture, even happiness. I just had a mix of emotions, and I didn't know what to do. I just sat there, feeling the most lost and hurt in my whole life. I didn't know how to feel. Just seeing you there, lying down, curled up like you were sleeping. It pained me to know that you were alone, but I felt happy that you were out of your pain and misery.

I never talk about this. Mainly because it just hurts inside to know that you didn't get to die with loved ones around you. You deserved to die with the people that loved and cared for you for years, surrounding you in your final moments. Just so as you closed your eyes, you knew that you were still, so loved and cherished by us all. I'm sorry, Spot. I wish I was there for you. You were the best. You ARE the best. You will always be the best. I know that I can never get that back. I know I can't go back in time, and watch you close your eyes for the last time. But what I do know, is that you're out and having all sorts of fun in kitty heaven. With all the treats and food and fun that a kitty could ever have. I bet you have your front claws back, so you could jump and go stalk some prey, like a good kitty. That, I know for sure. I know you're happy now. You're at peace. And I know, that you're watching over us, and giving us the biggest cuddles when we need it. I miss you, Spot. I always will. And I love you. I love you with all of my heart. 'Till next time, my friend. I can't wait to see you and cuddle with you once again.

Rest in Peace, Spot ❤