mirokata

[mirokata]

I don’t know where to type this so I’m typing it here. I think I’m having a meltdown. I think I’ve been having meltdowns for awhile. And every single time, it scares the hell out of me and I just start wanting to scream into the void but there’s nowhere to run, there’s always so much noise and omg the ducking clock in my living room is so damn loud and my neighbours hum like a ghost every night and I don’t have my own space in this house to crash out on my own.

I feel terrible about not wanting my family around me, but despite them being the nicest or smartest people I know, they seem to have become a beacon of stress for me and I just don’t want anybody around when I’m feeling like I’m in a meltdown. Essentially, so far this seems to exclusively happen when I’m at home and I need to get things done. I just shut down, everything shuts down and yet my senses dial up past 10 and I hear everything and everything irritates me and I just can’t. Do the work. Then I get even more fearful and work becomes painful. If i’m even able to touch it.

I don’t know why it’s become this bad… or when exactly. I’ve always been the capable person on projects, I am responsible and I do what I do with quality. Now, I’m starting to show up nearly late for some things, and I keep passing my work up to the team late. And it sucks. They tell me it’s okay, they tell me they know that I’m trying, but it sucks. It sucks to feel incompetent while not knowing how to manage it or make it better because work has become so painful despite the task itself being something I love.

The meltdowns are scary. I don’t know what to do.

[mirokata]

RIGHT OMG YOU GETS

I’d love to listen when I do have the time, energy and state of mind to listen but… when I don’t… omg it takes everything to not accidentally lash out at him… I would want to tell him when it’s not the time, but then… when ever is the right time? what if it takes a long time for that right time to come where I have the emotional availability to listen to him…

and it’s just for something so simple as a brother who is excited to share about something he learned and likes a lot. maybe its not supposed to be this deep 😭😭

what do you do in a household where your brother is autistic and needs to yap, but you’ve got *adhd and feel overstimulated by the yapping

*peer reviewed

[mirokata]

what do you do in a household where your brother is autistic and needs to yap, but you’ve got *adhd and feel overstimulated by the yapping

*peer reviewed

[mirokata]

there is a version of myself that I used to be, that I wish I could be again. they feel like a different person whom I’m in competition with.

there is a version of myself that I wish I could be. they feel like the “true” me, yet I don’t know how to reach them.

and then there’s the real me. the current me. and I don’t really know who they are.

[mirokata]

very unoriginal thought: I am sick of having things to do but would feel very awful about myself if I didn’t

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some days I feel like I want to be a guy in a skirt

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I want to jump into a portal so bad

I crave finding out what wine tastes like again, a life changing movie, a live musical on stage, a concert, and just one single shot that doesn’t actually get me drunk.

[mirokata]

I can’t believe I’m thinking “I miss having a girlfriend” right now…

I can tell it’s not actually true. It’s not that I want a partner (that’s never something I’d force), but rather I want the comfort and security and love that comes from being in a relationship when many other things in life seem so uncertain.

It also makes me want to be able to talk about the past experiences I’ve had with my partners, both the good and the bad times. But it’s so hard to bring it up. Maybe I should visit a talking circle of strangers, but holy shot it’d be hella difficult to talk about relationship things to a bunch of adults! I think the topic I’d introduce it with would be the feeling of loneliness and missing feelings. Actually, yeah, I would love to be able to talk about that. Essentially, a feeling of emptiness. Emptiness in emotions, in how I experience relationships, and a hollowness in the career path I thought I wanted. Right now, it feels like the reason I stick with studying the path I want to pursue is because I can’t imagine me doing anything else. Maybe that’s true, or maybe it’s just burnout. But I’m not even in the sector yet so… burning out before I even reach the stage of work is crazy.

This journal entry was probably all over the place… as usual. My train of thought always leads me to think about a whole bunch of different things non-coherently. But it’s okay. I’m just writing this… because I really don’t feel like doing any work right now.

[mirokata]

this might come off strange but it’s been a very long time since I last pooped without being on the phone and I just went to poop without my phone with me and oh my hec it’s excruciating.

and mind you, I’m someone who doesn’t listen to music or anything on public transport. I “rawdog” bus and train rides, as my friends would put it.

well, now I get how they feel when they look at me with disbelief that I can commute without headphones or earphones plugged in. that I can somehow stare into space and feel absolutely fine being with myself. but somehow, that doesn’t translate to being on the toilet, pooping, sitting with nothing but myself.

I actually just cleaned myself and walked out of the toilet mid-poop to go grab my phone and return. and now I feel obligated to alternate between using my phone and not using my phone while on the toilet seat and recording the total amount of time it takes to poop every single round because look: in order to poop faster, you need to relax, not push. but when I’m not on the phone, the only thing I can focus on is the pooping, which makes it harder to simply relax my body and poop smoothly.

as such, my hypothesis is that not only does being on the phone distract me from how long it’s taking me to poop, it also makes my body relax naturally, and as a result, poop faster.

having gotten used to requiring that distraction, it has now become excruciating to be pooping in the toilet without using my phone. this is something that may or may not need change, as it’s also where I’m pretty productive.

so… maybe I should conduct this experiment fr… or maybe not.

[mirokata]

My mind has been so overwhelmed with a friend who has been clouding my entire brain for months straight now- and those thoughts and feelings of happiness when I think about them is only getting stronger.

I don’t know how to explain this… but I think about wanting to spend more time with them all the time. I think about little references to them all the time. I think about past memories with them and look at things and wonder if they’ll like them too. And I often really do text them about it shortly after. Texting them has become a constant part of my day, and I feel off when we don’t talk much or don’t say goodnight for just a single day.

Basically, it feels like they’re my dopamine. However- nothing about it is romantic. At least, I don’t think so. I just really heckin wanna know more and more about them, I wanna go on more adventures with them, and I really wanna hug them. I wanna hear them laugh and try new things with them. I wanna reminisce about old memories with them. I want to spend such a long time with them that our current memories become nostalgic. I want our conversations to be riddled with inside jokes.

I want that all, but as a friend. I feel selfish and strange when I feel a little jealous when they talk about other friends. I want to read their mind so that I know if they feel that way about me, too.

I want a future with them but as a friend!!!!!

p.s. apologies for the messy text post, I just really needed an outlet

Anyways… I feel so overwhelmed by the fact that they’re on my mind virtually every moment where I’m not thinking about work. It’s so noisy. I know that if it wasn’t them on my mind, it’ll be other things instead. But still… so messy.

Yeah uh I don’t know what to do about this. I also feel like I’m growing a little too dependent on them in order to have a good day ._.

[mirokata]

sometimes there are scenes that are for comic fans and comic fans only in the show and this is 10000% one of them 🥹🍂

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Guy who knows all the muscles because he goes to the gym vs the guy who knows all the muscles because he's an artist

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I don't know how to put it into words but like

There has been this sense of strangeness, a good strangeness, accompanying me for some time now. It's an odd kind of self awareness where I notice oh, that's not my usual way of thinking about / dealing with a thing.

It's like a new maintenance company has moved into the building and they're unobtrusive yet you can see the difference

That is to say, therapy is going well

[mirokata]

bird watchers when they watch birds:

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I want a relationship where I can cuddle, love, cook for, basically just do what people would consider couple stuff with a person, but it's completely platonic. Like I love you, we hug we love, but there's no romantic attraction involved. Pls tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way.

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#why ARE they like this

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Tao seeing Elle feeling like shit about the transphobic climate we live in and deciding to make her a video just showing her being a normal, pretty, girl making art, laughing with her friends and boyfriend, having fun, setting up a whole movie night for him to show it to her, and after it was over, saying ‘that’s how I see you’ while gently holding her in his arms???