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Let’s play, “was I abused” game! Reblog and bold the things your parents have done to you! Italicize if you’re not sure. (copy paste it all and then bold)
Physical abuse
parent slapped me to prove their point/teach me a lesson
parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good
parent pulled on my hair to force me to move
parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me
parent trapped me into a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them
parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them/tried to confront them
parent used a twig/stick/belt to lash at my body
parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them
parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping
parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life
parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries
parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say
parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat
parent made an attempt at strangling/drowning/burning me
parent banged my head/body into the wall/furniture
parent forced me into sexual activities
Emotional abuse
parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once
parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice
parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun
parent insulted and devalued something really important to me
parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me
parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once
parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault
parent shamed me for my physical appearance
parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough
parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all
parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I got hurt from their insults
parent never comforted me/got angry if I reached for comfort
parent punished me for crying/showing fear/showing trauma symptoms
parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness
parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter
parent got angry at me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal
parent blamed me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal
parent compared me to cousins/other children to prove how I’m the worst
parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them
parent told me that I was crazy/delusional/need to be locked away
parent threatened me with kicking me out/sending away if I don’t change
parent refused to accept my sexuality/tried to force it to change
parent required for me to act normal to protect family’s reputation
parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy
parent assured me that nobody will ever want me
parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse
parent made me responsible for their well being and made me the caretaker
parent insisted that their harmful acts were all made “out of love”
parent demanded me to be available for their requests at any time
parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries
parent destroyed my belongings as a revenge
parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence
parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me
Psychological Abuse
parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I wont achieve anything
parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks
parent would change their side of the agreement in crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start
parent stalked me/distrusted me without any reason/invaded my privacy
parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument
parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched me do it
parent threatened to leave me
parent accused me regularly of behaving the way they did
parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions
parent always demanded they are right without any proof/explanation
parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof
parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me
parent gaslighted me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did
Neglect
parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly
parent didn’t notice I was sick/didn’t care for me while I was sick
parent didn’t notice I was injured
parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes/shoes I needed for school
parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma
parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed
parent didn’t notice I was depressed
parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself
parent didn’t notice I was suicidal
parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused
parent didn’t notice I was being bullied
parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed
parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care
parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive
when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it
Financial Abuse
parent made me feel ashamed for needing money
parent made me feel like I’m a financial burden to them
parent only gave me minimal money to survive
parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me
parent took the money I earned from me
parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)
parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions
parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything
parent refused to get my medicine/get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves
parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not
parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity
parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age
parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them
If you bold more than 5 things, you have been through abuse. For some particular ones, even one true thing on this list means you’ve been badly harmed by your parents. Also this list is not complete, there are many more abusive behaviours not listed here, feel free to add!
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Abused kid things:
having scars on your body you can’t remember how you got them
gaping holes in memory
feeling distortion in your limbs, your body doesn’t feel yours
always feeling terrified of being called out for a mistake
worrying that you are A BOTHER to everyone at all times
guilt for wanting attention
depriving yourself of attention to cope with guilt and thinking it will “toughen you up”
guilt for receiving attention
feeling uncomfortable whenever things are about you
always feeling seconds from being targeted for someone’s anger
being overly accommodating and still feeling it’s not enough and you will PAY FOR NOT DOING MORE
feeling you’re going insane
trying to blame your own symptoms on yourself
trying to shame yourself just like everyone else has shamed you
feeling life would be better if only you weren’t the way you are
craving for something horribble to happen to you just so you could stop anticipating it
fantasies of abuse + obligatory guilt for having fantasies of abuse
self doubt over weather you actually deserved or wanted to be abused
trying to prove to yourself that you didn’t
not knowing how to prove that to anyone else
trying to soothe yourself by explaining your symptoms away and telling yourself your fears are not real
wondering why you stayed alive this far
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“Im not saying this is a suicide attempt but if I dont wake up tomorrow I want you to know I am sorry I didnt write individual letters. It would of taken too long and i would of started to sob and it would of ruined it all That Im sorry I ever had to hurt any of you. That the monsters in my head finally strangled what was left of the voice in me. Know Im at peace now because now they cant hurt me anymore and i cant miss her anymore I cant be in pain like this the kind not even oxy could try and fix I have been in agony longer then I can remember and maybe I just need some god damn fucking peace and maybe the only way I see it is through a coffin I wish I saw it any other way Im sorry Im so fucking sorry”
— Im sorry if I die tonight
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Let’s play, “was I abused” game! Reblog and bold the things your parents have done to you! Italicize if you’re not sure. (copy paste it all and then bold)
Physical abuse
parent slapped me to prove their point/teach me a lesson
parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good
parent pulled on my hair to force me to move
parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me
parent trapped me into a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them
parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them/tried to confront them
parent used a twig/stick/belt to lash at my body
parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them
parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping
parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life
parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries
parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say
parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat
parent made an attempt at strangling/drowning/burning me
parent banged my head/body into the wall/furniture
parent forced me into sexual activities
Emotional abuse
parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once
parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice
parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun
parent insulted and devalued something really important to me
parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me
parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once
parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault
parent shamed me for my physical appearance
parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough
parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all
parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I got hurt from their insults
parent never comforted me/got angry if I reached for comfort
parent punished me for crying/showing fear/showing trauma symptoms
parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness
parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter
parent got angry at me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal
parent blamed me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal
parent compared me to cousins/other children to prove how I’m the worst
parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them
parent told me that I was crazy/delusional/need to be locked away
parent threatened me with kicking me out/sending away if I don’t change
parent refused to accept my sexuality/tried to force it to change
parent required for me to act normal to protect family’s reputation
parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy
parent assured me that nobody will ever want me
parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse
parent made me responsible for their well being and made me the caretaker
parent insisted that their harmful acts were all made “out of love”
parent demanded me to be available for their requests at any time
parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries
parent destroyed my belongings as a revenge
parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence
parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me
Psychological Abuse
parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I wont achieve anything
parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks
parent would change their side of the agreement in crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start
parent stalked me/distrusted me without any reason/invaded my privacy
parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument
parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched me do it
parent threatened to leave me
parent accused me regularly of behaving the way they did
parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions
parent always demanded they are right without any proof/explanation
parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof
parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me
parent gaslighted me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did
Neglect
parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly
parent didn’t notice I was sick/didn’t care for me while I was sick
parent didn’t notice I was injured
parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes/shoes I needed for school
parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma
parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed
parent didn’t notice I was depressed
parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself
parent didn’t notice I was suicidal
parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused
parent didn’t notice I was being bullied
parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed
parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care
parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive
when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it
Financial Abuse
parent made me feel ashamed for needing money
parent made me feel like I’m a financial burden to them
parent only gave me minimal money to survive
parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me
parent took the money I earned from me
parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)
parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions
parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything
parent refused to get my medicine/get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves
parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not
parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity
parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age
parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them
If you bold more than 5 things, you have been through abuse. For some particular ones, even one true thing on this list means you’ve been badly harmed by your parents. Also this list is not complete, there are many more abusive behaviours not listed here, feel free to add!
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What not to say to people with eating disorders
This post is dedicated to those of you who know someone with an eating disorder. Are you afraid of saying something wrong, and want to know what you should and should not say?
(It is very long, and for that I apologise.)
Please read the post with respect. This applies to both patients and their family/friends. Remember that no one are perfect. The person with an eating disorder is not using her/his eating disorder as an excuse to “be difficult”, it is a real and severe problem for her/him! Just as important to note is that family and friends are not mind readers, and they are not mean. Knowing that someone you love and care about have a life threatening mental illness, is a terrible situation to be put in, and most parents will do ANYTHING in their power to save their child from illness and death.
Below is a list (with explanations) about what to say, or what not say, to a person with an eating disorder: - Do not ask yes/no-questions. If you ask a question such as: Can’t you just eat this dinner?, the answer you receive will likely be no, and the conversation abruptly stops. The answer you receive might also be yes, but be a lie. - Do not ask leading questions. If you ask: There is no way to make you eat this dinner, is it?, the answer will likely be no. Leading questions come with a huge disadvantage: The person can feel forced to lie. Because you are giving her/him an ultimatum, but the eating disorder does not allow this ultimatum to be realized. Please note: I am not saying that family and friends should “play along” with the eating disorder. But I am saying that if you directly oppose it, there is a high risk that you could make things worse (aka make the eating disorder stronger instead of weaker). - Ask open questions. This is the way to go. As opposed to the two prior examples, you could ask: How are you doing right now? Why do you think this dinner is difficult for you? Are you afraid of something specific? Is there anything I can do to help? As you can see, neither of these questions are yes/no-questions or leading questions. In other words, open questions like these will make room for honest answers. The person will feel safe that you simply want to help, and that you are trying to understand. You should also be clear that it is fine if the person cannot, or does not want to, answer the question. Be clear that you just want to show her/him that you care. You can also add that the person can come back to you whenever she/he feels like it, and answer the question later. - Do not say “I know EXACTLY how you feel!”. Because unless you have had an eating disorder yourself, it is very unlikely that you know that. Ask open questions instead. - Do not comment on other people’s body or weight. First of all, this is bad manners and can be very impolite. Secondly, for a person with an eating disorder, body, weight, and appearance is by far the most difficult topic for conversation. Body, weight and appearance are topics that can, and should, be limited to treatment settings. Plus; there is a major chance that the person already knows what you think of her/his body. - Do not say “You look better!”. This is a tricky one. Hard to understand, even for people with eating disorders (believe it or not). Imagine this: You think you are chubby, overweight, or fat. In spite of this, your family and friends (sometimes also complete strangers) tells you over and over again that you need to gain at least 15 kilos/33 lbs. When you finally do gain, everyone are running in your direction to tell you that they can see you put on weight. I doubt that would feel nice for any person, eating disordered or not. And this is my point here. Almost all people with eating disorders see themselves as fat/chubby/too big. It is also very common that they want to become healthy, and want to fully recover, but still do not want to gain any weight. You should avoid this comment because it confirms (indirectly, and wrongly too, of course) that the persons greatest fear of all has actually come true, they have now become even fatter, chubbier, or bigger. It is very easy to understand why family and friends want to tell their beloved one that they look healthier! It is meant as a compliment, meant to be something mutually joyful. It took me years to be able to handle this comment. Believe me, I have tried multiple times and failed. I tried to feel happy about it, I tried to block out the voice that translated “you look better” into “you are the most obese person on earth”, I tried to control my own reaction to make people happy. It always ended with a fake smile, and a bunch of chaos. And relapse. I have had an eating disorder for years, and it took me quite some time in recovery to be able to handle the comment as well. Before this happened, I had to overcome all the hatred I harbored against my body. - Do not comment on other people’s eating habits or -patterns. People with eating disorders are fully aware that they have different eating habits (or –patterns) than you, whether the difference lies in amounts or food types. First of all, the comment is unnecessary. Secondly, comments like these only contribute to the person feeling guilty: (S)he does not want to bother anyone, but now receives a clear message that that’s what (s)he does. Knowing that you worry people who love you, does not make the eating disorder loosen its grip. What it usually leads to, is the person wanting to eat alone or in secret, lie about food intake, or resort to purging/laxative abuse/(excessive) exercise. The same rule applies when/if the person eats what you think of as “too much” or “unhealthy”. Don’t bring it up. Just don’t. Leave the person alone. - Do not talk about food during meals. I am not saying you should not express your joy over fabulous, tasty sauce/gravy. What I am saying is you should avoid saying things like: “I am so stuffed!”, “You must be very hungry!”, “Aren’t you having one more portion?”, “This is healthy!”, or “Nah, this is quite unhealthy!”. If the person actually tries to finish his/her dinner plate, you are transforming the effort into a house of cards: It could collapse any second. If you say “this is healthy”, the person might experience trouble eating tomorrow’s dinner as it is “less healthy” (because it contains more carbohydrates, for example). If you say “this is unhealthy”, you have potentially ruined dinner with immediate effect. In many cases, the person might resort to purging, (excessive) exercise, etc. to rid him-/herself of this “unhealthy” thing. The person might also “transfer” the unhealthy-label to many other food types similar to the one you just called unhealthy. If you say “aren’t you having one more portion?” it could make the person stop because it is made very clear that (s)he has already consume one whole portion. (While portion sizes are unlimited in recovery, because (s)he needs all the energy (s)he can get.) If you say “I am so stuffed!”, there is a chance that the person will make sure to eat just a fraction of the amount you eat. If eating less than you is too late, the person might resort to purging, (excessive) exercise, etc. to get rid of the “unnecessary” food. - Do not talk about dieting, diets, healthy/unhealthy food, weight loss, or exercise. This is triggering to almost everyone. If you don’t feel too thin (to be “allowed” to do any of these things), why would a person with an eating disorder feel too thin? (This is how the illness works.) If you think you should diet, why shouldn’t the person with an eating disorder diet? It is very likely that the eating disordered person feels like (s)he is at least twice your size – even if YOU are twice HER/HIS size, for that matter. Be careful! - Do not assume you need to tell other people what they are doing. It is not your duty, it is none of your business, and you are not the first one to point out what they are doing either. Most patients, no matter what illness/condition they suffer from, receive well-meant advice every single day. Sometimes even from people they have never met before.
Another important factor regarding this topis, is (well-meant) advice. People with eating disorders receive tons of (well-meant) advice day after day. We who have eating disorders, of course know that the advisor means well. That, however, does not necessarily mean that any of these advices actually help, and it is not necessarily a good idea to give the advice either. In fact, you should try to avoid giving advice as often as possible. I am not saying one should never offer good advice, but there may be several reasons as to why you should not give the advice at all. I recommend you use the following questions as a guideline: - IS this good advice? If so, why? In what way do you feel certain that this will make a (positive!) difference?
- Do you think the person has received this advice many times before? If so, do you really find it necessary to repeat the advice for the forty-fifth time? The least you can do is ask the person if (s)he has received the advise many times before, and if (s)he has, then drop it. Completely. - Is your advice medically safe? Guaranteed? Or is there possibly any (slightest) chance that you are wrong? A good example here is exercise. Many patients in recovery are encouraged to start exercising. The argument is that exercise strengthens bone mass and increases muscle mass. That is true, of course, but it only applies to people without an active eating disorder! In reality, people with eating disorders should’nt exercise at all (in spite of all the wonderful health benefits), simply because exercise very often keeps the body in starvation mode (making it impossible to recover), and also because muscle- and bone mass are already broken down – if they are broken down even more (yes, this is what exercise does, it breaks down muscles), they are never given the chance to heal. - Is there a chance that your advice has a triggering effect? If no, how confident are you? Have you had an eating disorder? Has the person told you in detail what triggers her/him? (If you feel any doubt at all, mention the topic first and ask if this could potentially trigger.) If the advice turns out to trigger despite trying the opposite, do your best to debrief the situation afterwards.
- Øygunn
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“Perfectionism is very addictive because it is very seductive. It’s so great to think ‘There’s a way I can do things where I can never be held in judgment by other people, that I can totally escape criticism.’ But it doesn’t work.”
— Brené Brown, The Power of Vulnerability (via wordsnquotes)
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(trigger warning)
you call it beautiful -
but it’s not beautiful when i don’t eat for two weeks and i’m shaky and i’m dizzy and i’ve fainted too many times to count and the growth of lanugo all over my body is an all too familiar sensation but i won’t stop until I am beautiful
but it’s not beautiful when, on the rare occasion that i do actually eat something, i gag and i purge until i can’t handle this burning anymore and nothing else can come up but i have to get it all out because the fear of gaining weight consumes my entire being
but it’s not beautiful when my knuckles are red and sore and bloody from when i get too nervous and my heart starts to race and i have suddenly forgotten how to breathe again and scratch at them until i can’t focus on anything else that’s going on around me except this physical pain i’m causing myself
but its not beautiful when the straight A student becomes the family disappointment, and i get called lazy and yelled at for not trying hard enough but little do they know how hard i’m really trying just to stay alive
but it’s not beautiful when i have to wear long sleeves all year, even in the hottest summers, because no one wants to see how i’ve made myself bleed night and night again, taking out my sadness and my anger and my stress on my own body
but it’s not beautiful when my legs have grown stubbly and i haven’t showered or even changed clothes in days and my hair has knotted into an undefinable mess because i simply lost the ability to take care of myself
but it’s not beautiful when i physically can not leave my bed unless i absolutely have to use the bathroom but even then i have to fight myself on whether it’s actually worth it or not
but it’s not beautiful when i’ve pushed everyone close to me away or maybe they left on their own this time. it’s a hard lesson to learn but eventually it’s burned into my brain; everyone always leaves and even though some stay longer than others, they always leave. because i am too much for people
but it’s not beautiful when i’m crying and i’m shaking, on the phone with my best friend as he tries desperately to talk me out of killing myself again, even though i’ve convinced myself that they’re all better off without me anyway
but it’s not beautiful when the failed suicide attempts keep adding up and i sit and i cry and i scream and i try again but it still doesn’t work this time
because i live in a world that won’t stop romanticizing and glorifying the very things that are slowly destroying me
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just social anxiety things™
• going to the bathroom at a social event so you don’t have to interact with people • crying / having a breakdown in said bathroom • trying to say something and then immediately regretting it • voice shaking, mumbling, uneven/broken speaking making you even more self-conscious • thinking you can handle having a simple conversation with someone and then realizing you can’t 🙃 • being literally terrified of asking for things, no matter how small • wanting to interject on a conversation but being physically unable to, then getting mad at yourself for being too chicken to say anything • craving physical touch but being unable to initiate it • not knowing what to do with your hands. ever. • people constantly telling you you need to “come out of your shell” and “assert yourself more” and forcibly putting you in situations that make you anxious as a “learning experience” • wanting to make friends & go out and experience things but having no idea how to • being terrified of authority • literally TERRIFIED • isolating yourself from everyone and hating yourself for it • being insanely jealous of people in secure & comfortable friendships • holding yourself back from opportunities then getting sad when you see other people doing the things you want to do
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