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Purpose

"Lord, I know that people’s lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps.” -Jeremiah 10:23

Lately, I’ve felt like I’m drowning in a sea of expectations and my biggest issue is that I can’t figure out what they are or where they’re coming from.

It helps me to picture humans as pieces of clay: unified in substance, a strange balance of moldable and versatile, yet solid and able to serve specific functions. Equally breakable, equally valuable. The same piece of clay could be a bowl for a period of time, but eventually reworked into a vase; same clay, different function. I believe humans are designed to showcase the glory of God and serve as conduits of His work here on earth. It’s an amazing calling because we have the constancy of purpose paired with the freedom of its ever-evolving form.

As a “piece of clay” that has lived in the same place for 17 years, I’ve felt increasingly exhausted by the imprints that have marked and identified me over time; I have often imagined what it would feel like to have a blank slate. I’ve held many different visible roles in my adult years; I went from leading worship, to modeling, to dating so-and-so, to being in a band, to having my own band, to styling, to dating such-and-such, to DJing…and man, it’s hard to keep up! For the last eight years, no matter where I went or who I saw, I felt the pressure of needing to have updates on the continuation of those pieces of me. And therein lies the tension: what is a healthy expectation of continuation on a certain path? I have often envied people who have a clear and singular dream--I myself have never been that way more than a few months at a time.

It seems everywhere I turn these days, I’m being told that I need to chase my dream until it’s realized and I have no excuse for not achieving it! “The sky’s the limit!”

I moved to Chicago several months ago with a desire for the true, remaining pieces of 26 year old me to be illuminated and solidified, and the irrelevant, external imprints of my identity to be washed away. For the last three months, I’ve been nourished by the freedom from expectations while synchronously starved for something to define my purpose and identity. I didn’t move here for a career pursuit; I moved here for a blank slate--I wanted to know what parts of me were an attempt to meet external expectations and what parts were integral to who I am.

All the creative dreams I had in the first half of my 20s feel out of reach; all the facets of me I hoped would be illuminated in the “big city” seem muted, and all I can cling to is a God who is sure of my purpose. Proverbs 16:9 says “In their hearts, humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” In a current culture that tells me to dream bigger and reach higher, God says in Ephesians 3:20 that he is “able to do more than we can ask or imagine.” If God’s plans are out of the realm of my imagination, then what do I need to worry about besides abiding in the vine? John 15:3-4: “Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.”

I think the false responsibility I’ve felt for deciding my perfect form is being exposed in this season.

Are you feeling depleted by the weight of a dream? Either a dream you can see clearly or by the fear of not having one to cling to? Refresh your memory of Mathew 11:28-30: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Hebrews 11:6: "And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him." Purpose is born in the place of peace. Peace comes by rest; rest comes by trust; trust comes by faith; and without faith it is impossible to please God.