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[millennialinmanhattan]

The Ultimate Game Of Cat & Mouse

Hola bitches. Sorry  I’ve been MIA. I wish I could say something exciting like I’ve been so busy with my new boyfriend. But.... I’m still single with funny as hell dating stories. Too many people keep bugging me about updating this. So get excited to hear about my joke of a love life. 

So what have I been doing? Wellllll..... This summer, I was hooking up with diplomat. Yep you read that right. The asshole manchild from the winter. We reconnected in July. I of course was like “What do you mean you want to hang out? What about your girlfriend? Ya know the one you ran back to when you were dating me.” Being the cocky motherfucker that he is, he goes “Oh  that ended months ago. C’mon let’s grab a drink, I miss you.” Umm what? No. But.... I wasn’t talking to anyone else so I decided what the hell, it’s summer, time to have fun. Wasn’t much fun, when it only lasts 2 minutes. Ugh whatever. I made that mistake twice this summer. The last time, I got my hair blown out and bought sexy lingerie from Bloomingdales (pic here). I wanted for the last time he saw me, for me to be at my prime- hair/nails done and sexiest lingerie. Anywaysssss he’s out of the picture. Last time he stayed over he was talking about how hard it was to find a full time job now that he’s graduated Grad school. He was talking about how he took classes at NYU. I’m like helloooo time to get a real job you’re turning 30. And I do know how hard it was since I was in his shoes 5 years ago. So there’s that. He’s dunzo. I’m not waiting around for a manchild who only lasts a minute. 

Okay onto the next guy. So I recently matched with Joe. (Oh for fucksake it’s too time consuming to change names and edit screenshots so names aren’t shown.) Joe went to Georgetown and his personality is as interesting as a wall. He’s so dry, so I of course think he’s boring. In his bio, he wrote he likes to read (since he has to give off that smart persona of course *eye roll*). So I asked him some book recos for my commute. Of course he says some book series I’m not familiar with, some deep shit. The series in it’s entirety is over thousands of pages. So we did the awkward what night works for you? He suggested a night and I embarrassingly had to tell him I was going to a Katy Perry concert that night. haha oh well. Guess Mr. Georgetown didn’t mind that I listened to top 40 artists. (LOL). So we finally agree on a Friday after back and forth of possible nights. Thursday night rolls around and he texts me asking what time I’ll be available on Friday. Of course I want to set time aside so I can get ready ya know girly shit. So I lie and say I won’t be ready until 7 PM. And this motherfucker tell me, it might cut it too close. Umm what?! Close to your bedtime??? This asshole made dinner plans. Uhh so what was he planning on doing? Meeting up at 6:30 and then peacing out at 7:30 to go to this dinner at 8? UMMM RUDE. That’s literally the rudest thing. So I was like oh hell no. (I even got my hair blown out). So what do you do when a fuck boy does this to you? You become the bigger fuck boy. A nice girl would say, “Okay, I’ll try and get out of work earlier. Let’s meet at 6:30″. But not meeeeee. There’s a new bitch it town. (I even got a new haircut, I cut 6 inches off, and this bitch doesn’t allow fuck boys to do whatever they want). So I wait until 6 PM and text him “Oh okay, let’s reschedule. I’ll let you know when I’m free”. Why did I say that? Because it makes me regain the power. If he’s not interested he would just ghost. He immediately responds, “hmmm I guess”. Ladies, the next step is where most girls would break. So I never texted him back. 

A little story of biology/evolution. Men like to hunt and gather. We’ve all heard the saying, “Make the guy work for it to keep him interested”. And that’s what I did. I made it seem like I wasn’t interested. If I were to say “Why don’t we meet up on Saturday instead?” it makes you seem a little bit desperate. Make it look like you’re busy. He’ll wonder why you’re busy slash what you are doing. So days go by and on Wednesday I get a text from Mr. Georgetown (that’s his nickname now). He asks me, “When will we be able to get that drink?”. I tell him I’m available on Friday. He tells me he’s sorry but Friday doesn’t work for him but next week after Monday is pretty open. I mean this is the second time. So I go, “Bummer. Maybe next time then”. Nonchalant bitch is in the house. I mean at this point, it’s more of a game. And guess what happened... He texts me and goes. “Let’s meet up Tuesday night. let me know if this works”.  I tell him it works. He better make plans by Monday. If not... I may just tell him something came up. HAHA. Let’s be real here ladies, this guy is talking to tons of biddies. He fits girls into his schedule when he can. This guy will lose interest really quickly. But the girl who plays him at his own game will the girl he’ll be interested in. See our texts below. (He has an android, gross). Also, I refuse to date a guy with an android. Like what’s wrong with you? 

Oh well. I have another date with an engineer tomorrow. I think he’s more promising. I’ll let y’all know how that goes..

xo,

MIM

[millennialinmanhattan]

“I went on a date with a literal shithead”

Living in NYC, you’ll hear the craziest dating stories. This by far it the weirdest and scariest dating story I’ve ever heard. This week’s story is from my roommate’s coworker. She told this story to her coworker, and I was going to tell my friend this story, and she knew someone who knew someone who knew someone where this happened to them as well. Okay get ready, this story is 100% real I literally couldn’t make any of this up nor did I exaggerate any part of this story. Okay so get ready for this one...

So my roommate’s coworker, we’ll call her Alyssa* (name has been changed), matched with this cute, charismatic athletic guy on Bumble. The conversations were good, he was funny and seemed really nice. He asked her out to dinner. They met at a restaurant and had dinner. The food was good, and she was having such a good time. And then out of nowhere... she literally shits herself. As in full blown diarrhea in her dress. She panics, she can’t excuse herself from the table because it’s def all over her ass and he’d see it if she gets up. She’s a physical therapist and works at a hospital, so pooping doesn’t disgust her.  So she tells him. “Hey listen, I don’t know what happened but someone upset my stomach and i just pooped myself. This is extremely embarrassing to admit”. The guy doesn’t laugh, or show he’s disgusted. Instead he tells her that his apartment is only 3 blocks away and that she can shower at his place and she can borrow some clothes. She’s absolutely mortified at this point, but she just wants to leave the restaurant and change out of her clothes. So she leaves the restaurant and follows him to his apartment. I mean what a sweet guy?! Most guys would laugh or just be disgusted. 

So she gets to his apartment she takes off her dress and jumps in the shower. When she gets out of the shower and walks back to his room, this is when the weird shit happens. (Haha pun intended!) She finds him in his room, butt ass naked masturbating and smelling her pooped stained dress. At this point, she freaks the fuck out and runs back to the bathroom, locks herself and calls the cops. Let’s take a step back for a moment. If you were in this position what would you do/think? Let me tell you something, this girl is smart. Because she realizes that he slipped something in her drink which then made her shit herself, because this sick m*therf*cker has some weird poop fetish. What’s super weird about this story is the cops tell her on the phone, that this isn’t the first time he’s been reported doing this. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this sick asshole, brings girls on dates to this restaurant slips a laxative in his date’s drink when they go to the bathroom, and then proceeds to tell them his apartment is only 3 blocks away when they shit themselves. My friend’s friend of a friend also went out with this guy, and he had the nerve to tell her that no cab would pick her up and drive her so she had to shower at his apartment. I honestly hope that these girls reported this guy’s profile to bumble and that he was taken down, because he honestly can hurt someone. 

So what did I learn from this? You should seriously never leave your drink unattended. I know this is something girls really don’t think about but finish your drink before you leave to go to the bathroom. On a serious note, date rape really does happen and you need to protect yourself. Second, you truly don’t know someone. Even if you’re having a good first date, and you think everything is going well, this guy/girl is still a complete stranger. Three, honestly if this shit (ha another pun) happens to you, fuck it. Walk out of the restaurant and call and uber. Or excuse yourself and go to the bathroom and try to salvage your clothes and then call and uber. NYC has seen weirder things. 

Respectfully yours,

MIM <3 

[millennialinmanhattan]

No Hablo Rebound Motherfucker

Sorry I’ve been MIA. I’ve been going on BORING dates. Nothing blog worthy. I went on a date with some guy who was 34 and the convo was average. When it was time to pay he pulled out a Discover card, and the bar didn’t take discover cards, and I wanted to go home so I offered to pay. I could feel he was embarrassed so he was like I’ll get you our next date. Umm back up, did I say I was going to go on another date with you? Umm yeah, no. He insisted on walking me home (he chose a bar near my apt) and then I was like “Okay, I’m heading this direction and you live in the UWS so that’s the way home” I made it clear I was going home alone. I didn’t thank him for drinks (because you know I paid for our drinks). I did the nice meeting you and patted his arms, that my friends equals friend territory and gave him a hug. He was too eager and tried to kiss me and I had to do the awkward lean back and smile and turn around and wave bye. I actually felt bad, because he asked me out on a second date, but I told him I was going on vacay and I’d hit him up when I got back. I got back from my vacation months ago. #whoops. 

I then went on another date with this analyst at some bank. We didn’t really talk much during the week, but he chose a bar near my office. He was cute in like a nerdy way. He was 6′1″ (drool) and went to Penn State. I was like sweet, he’s like a smart bro. I got to the bar, and he was drinking his beer and reading a book. Freaking adorable, right? Then I got hammered on our date because this place didn’t have any food and I was 5 glasses of wine in on an empty stomach. Conversation went well, and we were joking and having fun half way. Towards the end, he was getting touchy and flirty and rubbing my thighs (at least he wasn’t creepy like my last blog post below). When he was walking me to the subway and saying good bye, I wasn’t sure what he was doing but I thought he was trying to give me a hug so I hugged him back because he’s so tall (I’m only 5′5″) and being drunk only impaired my judgement even more. I then realized he was trying to kiss me. HAHAHAHAHA. I was open to a second date until I did some social media stalking... He mentioned on our date how he has 2 rabbits (apparently calling them bunnies isn’t a manly and he corrected me every single time). So when I was stalking him on Facebook, I found his rabbit’s facebook. I’m not gonna lie, my dog has a Facebook profile. But this kid actually would make status updates as if the rabbit was talking. And then I stumbled upon a video... The MF rabbit was ‘nominated’ for the ALS Ice bucket challenge, and he straight up made a video. THAT IS SO FUCKING WEIRD. So there goes that guy. lol

So while I’m going on these boring dates, I get a text message before 9 AM. As I’m getting ready to leave for work, guess who texts me... MOTHER FUCKING DIPLOMAT. Yes as in months ago Diplomat. As a refresher, the last time I spoke to him he cancelled our date because he got back with his ex-girlfriend and he told me we don’t have to hang out anymore. Anyways this kid has the audacity to text me. See our exchange below. I mean I thought my response was kinda funny, he clearly did not. 

I mean who’s your friend diplomat (whoops too lazy to blur out his name. Surprise his name is Dan!), your freaking girlfriend? 

1) Clearly you were trying to get a temperature check on how I’d react when you text me. My no hablo rebound text isn’t what you were expecting so you freaked out and gave some bullshit I was gonna try and help my friend. 

2) The whole “helping a friend” excuse is bullshit. You’re in a diplomatic studies masters program. Why would your classmate want to work at an advertising agency?

3) We never talked about where I work. So how could your friend want to work at my company.

Fun fact, I have excellent memory. I remember everything. A for effort asshole. Lose my number. 

Anyways. Hope y’all are having fun swiping! It’s open season. But steer clear of fuckboys! 

xo,

MIM (Millennial In Manhattan) 

[millennialinmanhattan]

I Got Christian Grey’ed And I Safeworded 15 Minutes In

Yep you read that right. I along with millions of other women, was into 50 Shades of Grey when the book came out. So I matched with this guy, we’ll call him Israeli. He just moved into the city 6 months ago, from Israel. He’s 38 (I know, much older than me since I’m 29) and works at this technology software company as a global operations director. He was pretty forward and asked for my number, I gave it to him, put my phone down and went to take a shower. I’m on my way to the bathroom and I hear my phone ring, I’m like umm that’s weird, no one really calls me. I see that the person calling wasn’t in my contacts. I’m like um no that can’t be Israeli. I then get a text from him from the same number, and it’s him! I straight up felt like Carrie (from SATC) in the scene where she gets her first laptop and she gets an email and she hides. Clearly I’m not used to new matches calling me. (See below).

Anyways I go and shower and then text him back. Ya know, normal convo stuff. The next day, Saturday morning he texts me good morning. I’m thinking OMG older guys are so much better, no games etc. etc. I respond and say good morning and then he fucking calls. I’m like “Oh shit” I can’t not respond, he knows I’m awake. So I answer. We talk for a few minutes about random stuff like what we do for work, where have we traveled, what we like to do for fun. And then..... He asks me personal questions. The way he asked, wasn’t like a fuckboy talking about sex, it was more like he was intrigued on my sexual preferences, he was mature about it. He said he loved sex, and I sarcastically responded, well doesn’t everyone? He then goes, but with me there are no rules, it’s all about respect and trust. Then a lightbulb lights up in my head. HOLY SHIT HE’S A DOMINANT GUY. He then asks me on a date on the phone, (TBH which is really nice, since that doesn’t happen any more). I tell him I’m not available until Friday. He asks what I’m doing every single day. I guess he needed to be in control.

So every day until Friday, Israeli would call me after work. He would ask if I was ready to be with him. The sassy girl in me was like hell yes girl you can do this. Freaking diplomat would want me to call him daddy for fucksake. Fast forward to Thursday night, I decide that I can’t just jump right into something like this. I need to create rules. Ladies, I suggest you do this!! So I gave him this list: 

-No anal or butt stuff 

-No calling me bitch/slut/whore

-No slapping my face or boobs

-No hot wax

And most importantly, I established a safe word. Something that’s easy to say, so I made mine ‘Red’. Israeli tells me he’s happy that I gave him what I’m comfortable with because it’s very important. He then tells me that in his bed, (I couldn’t make this up his exact words) “I am the king, you do what you are told” Before and After that I will treat you like a Queen, but my bed, my rules. I mean Queens wear diamonds and crowns right? I’m down.

So Friday rolls around. I’m heading to this french wine bar. I’m kinda late, I blame the Gett driver because we totes could’ve gotten there on time. I get to the bar, I can tell he’s annoyed that i’m 10 minutes late. The bar is TINY. As in the tables are very close to each other. The only lighting in the bar is the tiny tea candles. He seems cold at first. I’m like okay clearly we’re not vibing. He then looks at me and Is like “I can tell you’re not ready”. UMM first of all, never tell me I’m not ready/good enough for something. I will get defensive and try to prove you wrong. So I’m like , “No, I’m okay, don’t worry”. So he then blows out the tea light. Which I thought was a mistake and I keep telling our waiter, and he keeps lighting it. I then realize he’s blowing it out when all of a sudden he reaches under the table and caresses my legs. I’m like okay that’s fine but then he reaches in between my legs. I”m like woah, okay there are people around. I’m not modest, but all of a sudden I felt like a fucking nun in that restaurant. He tells me that he can feel how wet I am. In reality I’m wearing leather leggings and it’s cold AF outside so he just feels my cold pants. I don’t correct him, I let him think what he wants. So our wine comes, I ordered a rose, but he ordered white. Our drinks were white wine, but whatevs. He tells the waiter to give me more wine. He then looks at me with a serious look and is like you have 7 minutes to finish your drink. I get caught off guard I stare at him and he’s clearly serious. So I sip my drink and he goes you’re not drinking fast enough and downs his drink. I tell myself it’s now or never, and down my drink. He tells me I have nice hair, I’m like thank you (I totes put so much product in it today for this date) and he goes I’m going to pull it later. That shut me up because I’m pretty sure the couple next to us heard that. We leave the bar, literally was only there for prob only 10 min, and in that 10 mins, the people next to us got a show. 

We walk to his apartment. He lives in a luxury apt on 14th st and 6th ave. While we’re walking he’s like you will only have 45 seconds to get completely naked once we get into my apartment. We enter thru the service entrance, which you buzz to be let in. I walk in and this place is hella nice, like I felt like I was in a hotel. He told me his rent is $5K for a 1BR. So we get to his apt, it’s really nice. I see he has pictures of fam and I’m like “Oh is this your dad” and he walks into his room and he’s like 30 seconds. Oh shit, he’s really not playing, he’s really serious about this. So me, being the awkward person I am, walk in behind him, and undress in front of him. He pulls my shirt off because I’m taking too long. He tells me to lay on his bed and touch myself. I look at him and go, ‘Wait there’s like no foreplay?’ and he gives me a look like he’s pissed. I am no prude, and I have touched myself in front of guys before but it’s usually when they’re in the bed with me. I also have never done this with a stranger before, but I go with it. I’m dead smack in the middle of his bed, while he circles the bed like a predator circling his prey. He pinches one of my nips, and it hurt like a MF. I basically felt what it was like to get my nips pierced. Whatever, I’m totally being dramatic, IDGAF. He’s asking my questions, and TBH I don’t remember what he asked bc I was too busy worrying about my nips. Like did he stretch that one out because it really fucking hurt. My boobs will not be cute with one extra long nipple. So while I’m going down on him he then calls me his pretty little whore. I literally stop, dick in mouth and look up at him. Not like sexily look up at him, more like umm that was one of my rules. Then he goes, “What are you?”. I don’t say anything and I get spanked! Like I’ve had my ass spanked before, (I must say diplomat had a nice touch) but this was like a spank that felt a sting for more than a few seconds. I felt like I was 5 years old again, getting spanked as a punishment.  Then he decides to choke me, and I fucking safe worded. RED MOTHERFUCKER. Well I didn’t scream motherfucker. But I did say Red real fast once I felt his hands around my neck. He instantly let go.  He then tells me to lick his asshole. UHHHHH WHAT?! Everyone who knows me I’m the biggest germaphobe out there. Like that’s fucking disgusting. Sidenote: One of my exes was into weird butt stuff like that and he once licked my butt and I ran out of the bed and was like OMG OMG WHAT DID YOU JUST DO. Go to the bathroom and brush your teeth before you kiss me. Israeli tells me he wants to cum on my face. At this point I’m like okay do whatever because I’m not into this. He straddles my chest and I could not make this up, and of course this would happen to me, gets cum in my MOTHER FUCKING EYE. Ladies, let me tell you this, that shit burns. I’m rubbing my eye, and I’m panicking like FAAACKKK what am I going to tell my mom. “Sorry mom, I’m blind it 1 eye because some jackass got cum in it”. He gets off me, and tells me I did really good, and was caressing my arms. I’m like I need to go to the bathroom. I turn on the light and BAM. My eye is red AF. Completely red. ANDDDDD I fucking got ‘Something about Mary’ed”. This dick got it in my hair too!! My hair that I used a Fekkai hair masque, one that took me 30 minutes to straighten that day. 

I looked at myself in the mirror and was like WTF, how did I get here. I go back to his room, and he’s on his laptop. He’s like sorry, I have to work on something for work. Well isn’t this a first. I’ve never had a guy all of a sudden work in the middle of hooking up. I tell him he’s obviously busy and I’m gonna head home. He’s like okay. Clearly he’s letting me leave since he got off. TBH I’m thankful he’s giving me an out, because I definitely wouldn’t be able to handle whatever he wanted to do. I get my shit and leave. Literally got nothing from this asshole, he didn’t go down on me, not even a single kiss. Then I realize I have no idea how to get out of his building. I found the main lobby called a Gett and had to snap my eye to my close friends. I got “Oh shit, you’re gonna have pink eye for a week”, “HOLY SHIT THAT LOOKS BAD”, “AHAHAHAH sucks for you hoe”. TBH I thought I was gonna wake up blind in 1 eye. 

So I learned that night that I’m not a very good submissive, and I really should try this with someone I know/trust.  And ladies if you do decide to do this definitely be vocal and have open communication. Also, contrary to what you’ve heard before you will not become blind if you get cum in your eye. It will hurt like a bitch, but the redness will go away after a few hours. 

xo,

MIM

[millennialinmanhattan]

Girls you know you better watch out. Some guys, some guys are only about that thing, that thing, that thing

Sorry I’ve been MIA y’all. I’ve been busy going on terrible dates and getting lied to by stupid fuckboys. I mean, I was gonna write about this hella funny story a coworker told me, how she went through a fat boy phrase in college and one night while she was on top she noticed that the guy kept stretching his arm out and scratching his face. She at first thought he was stretching but then it really started to get to her so she stopped and turned on the light. This MF was eating cake. I LITERALLY COULDN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP. So my coworker being the down ass chick she is, she went with it, kept going and he fed her cake. #Badass 

Anyways back to my dating stories, since I apparently have been getting a lot of “have you updated your blog?” “So what happened with you and diplomat” “Did you go on a date with Mergers & Acquisition”. blah blah blah

Betches, get excited because I just drank glasses or rosé and I’m mad AF. Sit down and put on your seatbelt, because it’s gonna be one hell of a ride, because my love life is f-u-c-k-e-d.

Yes, I went on a date with mergers & acquisition. Just drinks (God forbid he takes a girl out to dinner and drinks). Because he clearly relies on his looks and his $245K paycheck. Yup, I looked that shit up on glassdoor. I mean you have no soul to do that job so you must make a shitton of money. Was he cute? Yeah. Was he intelligent? I mean he tried too hard IMO. Was he cocky? OMG EYE ROLL. He was pretty straight forward and was like I’m not looking for anything serious. So I got the prettiest cocktails and peaced out. 

Next fuckboy on the list. Diplomat. I mean I thought we were done. I saw a psychic she told me he wasn’t for me and that he was going to contact me again, and not to let him in because he still won’t know what he wants. I was skeptical.So I was out to dinner with my friend and he freaking facetime calls me. I’m like um that’s weird. He must be dialing the wrong number. My friend Daniella was like no one accidentally facetimes someone. I ignore it. I’m like oh if he wants to talk to me, he’ll text me. The next day he doesn’t call or text. I’m like totes accident. Few days later he has the nerve to text me “Hey”. I’m like umm hi? I’m surprised you’re texting me since we stopped talking. Diplomat was like, don’t be like that. I’m like why are you texting me? He’s like because I want to and missed you? Blurb of our convo:

Diplomat: So your not open to us talking or hanging out occasionally? I’m busy with school and work. I’m not very diligent in my personal relationships. It’s not a reflection on you or how I feel about you.

Me: So you just want to hook up?

Diplomat: No. Just see each other when we can. Is that okay? I’m not too interested in a serious thing, not with my schedule. 

You bet your ass I was like, Umm no. You can’t date me and then fucking flake and then text me like 2 weeks later and then act like every thing is okay and then ask if we can casually hook up. 

I then changed my mind a week later. I’m like okay we can talk. In my mind I’m like it’s okay he’ll just be an option while I go date other guys. TBH, it’s because he’s a really good kisser and great at cuddling. He’s all excited and is like okay, next Saturday, I’ll take you out to dinner and a movie. I text him Wednesday because I haven’t heard from him for a few days, and was like “hey”, you know super casual. THIS MOTHER FUCKER GOES:

“Hey. Sorry I can’t meet up this weekend. I actually just got back with my ex girlfriend. How’s everything?”

I legit almost broke my new iphone 7. First of all, I never knew his exgf was in the picture. Because literally a week before he was all “Come stay at my apt (in NJ) and we can grab dinner by me. OH was I gonna 3rd wheel with your ex you clearly were talking to? 1 week later you’re with her? Two, you’re gonna text me ‘How’s everything’?! Well it was good until I fucking found out you were a bigger dick than I thought. I thought you were too busy to date. Whatever. OVER IT. I texted him “Oh okay, good luck with everything”... 8 hours later. And you bet your ass I had read receipts on his texts. This clueless asshole texts me back. “You took a long time to respond to me after reading my text”. UMM WHAT? Don’t you have a girlfriend you should be talking to? I mean I got back with my ex after breaking up once. It only lasted 3 months because we constantly fought after that. Soooo good luck with that diplomat. You know what they say, you broke up for a reason.

On to the next... So I matched with this guy on Bumble. He’s a physical therapist who lives in Brooklyn. He was sweet and smart. Girls, let me teach you something valuable about online dating... Pay attention to the type of pictures a guy posts. PT only had selfies/ pictures from the chest up.... Keep this tidbit in mind. 

So we talk for a loooonnnggg time. I find out he knows how to tango and salsa. I’m taking classes so I’m like this is perfect, you can go to my classes with me. At one point I’m like are we fucking pen pals now? We talk like ever day for a month. He schedules our first date on a Thursday. He asks if we can do Saturday instead. Friday rolls around he asks if we can reschedule to Tuesday. Umm okay. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! So I’m like okay clearly we’re not gonna see each other. So I text him “It seems you are pretty busy now, it seems things aren’t going to work out, best of luck to you”. I mean this text was carefully crafted by  4 of my best friends. I guess in this day and age, we’re used to fuck boys messing around/juggling a schedule of dating 10 girls in like 1 week. But his text completely threw me off guard and made me feel like the biggest asshole.

PT: No it’s just that I take care of my father, he’s sick. So if you could just bare with me. That’d be nice.

Hi, my name is Millennial in Manhattan, and I’m the biggest asshole. So I of course apologized profusely. He agreed to still go out for dinner. So I patiently wait. And wait. He finally asks me to dinner on a Tuesday evening. I meet him for dim sum in Chinatown. I get to the restaurant. He showed up to the restaurant early and tells me he’s sitting down at the first table. I walk in 5 minutes late. I get to the table. He stands up. And no lie, he must be like 5′3″. I’m 5′5″ and I thought I was average height. He’s also larger than the pics he’s sent me, with slightly less hair. I get caught off guard. I don’t want to be rude so I sit through dinner, make convo and ignore the fact that he has small hands that are not proportionate to his arms. Ladies, if a guy on his online dating profile doesn’t show a full body pic, he must be overweight or short. But in all honesty, I did/do really feel really bad for him. He must’ve been self conscious about his height, he was really sweet and was respectful to me. So no, I will not make fun of him because he deserves better than that. 

So I had one hell of a week. PT didn’t turn out to the be the guy I thought he was. And Diplomat was well diplomat.  Today at work I was like I should prob take a break from dating...

Well that was until I agreed to drinks with a financial wealth advisor from Wells Fargo and some guy who lives in the UWS. Here’s to hoping for more amusing blog posts. 

xo,

MiM

[millennialinmanhattan]

Accidentally Getting Stood Up

Sooo, I just told a few friends and coworkers (I know totes not work appropriate, and my boss may or maynot know #oops) about this blog, and friends of friends started to read my blog and next thing you know I’ve got tons of people telling me their dating stories. So aside from my #DatingFails, I will also start telling other people’s dating stories. 

So let’s start with the guy, let’s call him Matt* he’s been texting with Casey*. They connected on tinder. (Ha, sorry just had to laugh, who still uses Tinder?) So they’ve been talking for a week, and Matt finally has the balls to ask her out. They plan on grabbing drinks on Wednesday. Which is great, because Matt being a typical NYC dude, has another date planned for Thursday and Saturday. Casey has to reschedule so she suggests meeting up on Friday. Matt is like okay, Fridays are prime nights for dates, and “Casey is really cute, so I’ll sacrifice a Friday night for her” (exact words from our bro Matt “She’s a solid 9″- Author side note: Really Matt? Facking douche). So he confirms his date on Thursday night and they plan to meet up at a bar in East Village. So he goes to the bar Friday night. Waits 5 minutes. 5 minutes turn into 30 minutes. Like okay, 30 minutes is kinda rude. But this guy literally waits 1 hour at this bar. 1 hour later, defeated, Matt has officially been stood up. He pays his bar tab, and heads home defeated. Y’all are thinking Oh no! What happened to Casey?! Something must’ve happened to her! 

Get ready for this y’all. So 4 hours later, Matt gets a text from Casey:

“OMG Matt! I’m so sorry! I accidentally stood you up!!”

So how did she accidentally stand up Matt? Get this... Casey is walking to the bar, and another guy was waiting outside the bar. He greets Casey as if he knows her and goes “Hey, it’s crowded in there, do you want to head to a different bar?”. YES- SHE ACCIDENTALLY WENT ON A DATE WITH ANOTHER PERSON!! So she looked at this rando, and was like “Well he looks different from his picture but some people never look like their pictures”. The guy also thought he was meeting up with his date. Well their date goes horrible and then she realizes she’s not on a date with Matt, but with some rando. 

First of all, how did she never say his name? AND when they were talking on their date, didn’t they refer to any topics they discussed while texting? So moral of the story, when you meet up with your date from an online app...

1) When greeting them call them by their name. 

2) Bring up a topic from your previous conversations 

Xo,

MIM 

[millennialinmanhattan]

How To Shut Down a F*ckBoy

Ah the fuckboy, the worst kind of guy to talk when online dating. What’s a fuck boy? According to my dictionary (AKA Betches.com) a F*ckboy is the guy who is clearly on online dating sites just to hook up with as many girls as possible. He has no intention on dating you, he just wants to sleep with you. He’s the douche who’ll text you at 2 AM with WYD? Or text “send nudes”. Clearly not worth your time. 

But then there’s the finance F*ckboy. The worst kind because they think they can get away with anything. Why? Because TBH girls allow this kind of behavior. So how do you know you’re dealing with a FB? His opening line. Here are a few of my personal faves (EYE ROLL)

“You look like trouble”

“Hey cutie”

“What would you do if I was there” 

*Anything sexual explicit* as an opening line.

Side note: I read this article about this girl who took screenshots of all the annoying texts she got from a FB and sent them to his mother on Facebook. This girl is my hero. 

Anyways, so unfortunately, I get these opening lines from time to time. Clearly girls are falling for these lines or allow them and that’s why guys keep doing it. So I decided to call this guy out. This 31 (yes THIRTY-ONE. I was like 4 years old when my dad was 31) old man who’s an acquisitions & merger associate decides to hit me up with a “Looking Sexy”. I. SHUT. THIS. SHIT. DOWN. And you know what? He actually took a step back, and was like oh maybe I shouldn’t have said that to her. He actually apologized and realized he was being a douche. After giving a hard time, we actually had a decent conversation after. He speaks French & Italian learning Spanish. *Swoon*

So what’s the lesson? Never take shit from a f*ckboy. On the flip side, be open to different guys, because if I wrote this guy off after his fail of an opening line, I wouldn’t have had a good convo with him. But girls remember, if you call out a FB and he still treats you like shit, RUN THE FUCK AWAY. 

Anyways for your viewing pleasure he’s my convo, on how I handled this wanna be Fuckboy. 

Well here’s to Mr. Mergers & Acquisition, he was able to handle my sass, and apologize for being a FB.

Keep swiping girls!

xo,

MIM (Millennial in Manhattan) 

[millennialinmanhattan]

Dating The Man Child

Women will always be attracted to the ‘bad guy’ or the ‘asshole’. What’s worse than falling for the fuck boy? The guy who pretends to be the nice guy but in reality he hasn’t even grown up yet himself.

I matched with this guy, let’s call him ‘Mr. Diplomat’. Why are we calling him that? Because he told me he was in graduate school (from like a tier 3 school, might I add), for Diplomatic Studies (and Asian studies). That’s cool and all, but the asian studies was a bit strange since the guy was white. Anyways his profile on Bumble, said “Here looking for someone whose (for fucksake, why are guys terrible at grammar it’s who’s as in WHO IS) emotionally stable to be in a relationship, long term preferred. Okay first of fall, that should’ve been a red flag, who calls out girls who are emotionally stable. I ignored it at first, thinking oh he must’ve had some crazy ex girl friend or something. He also talked about how he’s fluent in Chinese and lived in China. So I hit him up (being it’s Bumble and girls have to message first (long fucking eye roll) and ask him why he lived in China. We talked about how he changed his major from french to Chinese in college, and then moved to China to teach english to kids. blah blah blah.

Things go great, we’re talking every day. He liked to send me texts in Chinese. Um okay cool story bro, I’m not Chinese nor do I speak or read it. So we go on our first date. We go grab dinner at some Japanese restaurant. So we talk about our jobs, he initially told me he worked in ‘tech sales’ in Chelsea market area. So for a weeks, I thought this guy worked at Google. Because you know Google is across from fucking Chelsea Market. So we talk about work, and Mr. Diplomat casually tells me he works at Apple. I look at him like Apple, as in Steve Jobs? He works at the genius bar. Which is cool whatever, I’m not judging, you’re still in school. When I was in college, I did shit and I was broke AF, so I admire that Mr. Diplomat worked at the genius bar, went to grad school full time and also had a campus job working at the office of International affairs. I offer to split the bill when the check comes. He’s like oh you don’t mind? UMM WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED? Well that’s a first. I paid for my meal.

So we go to our next destination. He takes me to a paint night. I clearly was taken back because that’s a bit aggressive for a first date. I was thinking just dinner/drinks. Ya know the standard. First of all, all my betches have done BYOB paint night where they’ve painted rainbows, sunsets, beaches and shit. What the fuck do we paint? An alien in space. I couldn’t make this shit up. It’s cool whatever, trying to pretend I’m a cool laid back chick, but in my mind I’m thinking wtf are we painting? This must be some heavily discounted paint night off Groupon or something. (Ya know because he’s still a student). So the paint night was chill. But it was like couple themed so we had 90s hip hop & R&B playing and there was literally 1 other couple there. We paint our dope aliens. Correction, I paint my dope alien everyone else’s paintings looked like shit.

After the class, I’m like okay so I guess I’m going home now. He asks if I want to grab a drink. I’m like umm okay. So we got to some random bar. We’re talking and I told him I had fun, while we have our weird alien paintings chillin next to us at the bar. He realizes he has to catch his train back home. I literally couldn’t make this up, but he literally gets up and runs to catch his train. He’s like stay here finish your beer, I’ll catch you later. UMM WHAT THE FUCK. Did he just run away? Clearly I’m stunned at the bar. So I’m like I have 2 options. 1) Casually just stay at this bar and talk to someone else. Well who the fuck would talk to me? They all just witness this guy run out and leave me with two alien paintings.  or 2) just casually leave the bar. You bet your ass I left that bar.

He texts me to tell me he made it to the train and that he had fun and that he wanted to see me again. I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck happened. So I’m like c’mon give this guy a chance. He’s nerdy in a cute way.

So we date for another month. He stayed at my apartment our second date and I made him breakfast. Ya know, wifey shit because I truly thought this guy was looking for a girlfriend. Diplomat would send me the cutest texts.

Then during his break in between semesters, he became distant. Which is weird because this is when he had the most free time. His texts were shorter, he took longer to respond. We planned to get dinner one night and he was going to stay at my apartment. Diplomat texts me while I’m at work at 1230. Asking how my day was going. He then goes “I have to cancel tonight, I have stuff to do”. I looked at my phone, like what the fuck? Let’s back up for a second. Guys reading this blog, what you might not know is when a girl plans to see you, there’s so much prep work. We get our nails done, our eyebrows threaded (so much better than waxing btw), exfoliate and shave our legs. I usually get a brazilian but my area ‘wasn’t ready yet’ but being the prissy girl that I am I decided to shave my brazilian. (YES I KNOW I SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT). I also wore lingerie to work. I was so upset, that I fucked up my waxing schedule and that my crotch was going to be itchy AF the next day because I shaved AND wore lingerie. What made me more mad, was he didn’t even text “I’m sorry but we’re going to have to reschedule”. Okay I get it shit comes up, and plans change. But the words he used was a bit rude. So I tell him I’m bummed and he said he understands why I’m upset. But never apologizes. Umm excuse me, If I walk into some stranger on the subway I apologize. But this kid can’t apologize for canceling 6 hours before a date. With no good reason but he has stuff to do. So he then babbles on how he’s so stressed with work because he ‘works every day’ and with classes. Umm what asshole? Classes didn’t even start yet. And you’re not even in Harvard. So I don’t respond all day. Finally that evening, I’m like okay whatever, all I see are excuses. What does he send back?

YES. THIS MOTHERFUCKING EMOJI. I being 4 glasses of wine in I don’t know what to say so I send a few emjois back. YES I’M 29 and I literally had an emoji fight with someone I was dating. I throw my phone and go to bed. The next day, I don’t hear from him. I go to a happy hour and I’m still bummed so I text him “So is that it?”. He responds “Is what it”. I’m like bitch don’t kill my vibe, so I throw more shots down. He then has the nerve to text me “Respond?”. I’m like well I haven’t heard from you all day. He then tells me all this bullshit how he was working and that he wasn’t ignoring me. That he’s sooo busy.

So days go by and we barley speak. So i’m like okay whatever over Diplomat. So he texts me one night and is like “hey how’s your day? just go out of work”. I’m like UM WHAT THE FUCK?! So I tell him I’m surprised he’s texting to me because he basically told me that his schedule doesn’t allow him any time for me. He’s like that’s not what I meant. I read it differently. He then has the nerve to be like I’m very dedicated at my work (at the Genius bar) and that he doesn’t have his phone with him all the time and constantly checking it. Um what? You used to text me from work. He then goes you’ll just have to accept that i’m really busy and that you’ll hear from me when I have time to reach out. Hold up, this guy is telling me he’s busy 24 hours 7 days a week. Clearly this wasn’t going anywhere. So I just drop it. Good luck in the real world Diplomat, and don’t email my friend in the DOJ to help you with an internship. So he ghosts. I haven’t heard from him in weeks. I deleted his number from my phone because I don’t trust my drunk self. What’s the lesson here? Don’t date a man-child. Because they don’t communicate and won’t prioritize you.

But the upside from this? I now have 2 canvases. I’m working on a gallery wall so I’m painting over these ugly AF paint night aliens. I literally couldn’t make this shit up. (Mine is the top one).

Keep swiping girls!

xo,

Millennial in Manhattan