milflookingforadilf

[milflookingforadilf]

i get it now why love is blinding. it really is and it's scary. how you're willing to forgive someone. love is like a shield. acting as a barrier between anything that comes it way. i get it now why when you try to teach someone smth but they refuse to listen bc they are in love. how nothing seems to work on them.

[milflookingforadilf]

i don't even know why am i grieving over him so much. considering the fact i was dying to get out of this relationship because it was heavy on my heart, because his love overwhelmed me, considering my future partner. i wanted to get out. the constant nagging. possessiveness. arguing. if you asked that man to write my mistakes he would've wrote two paragraphs about it, but if you had asked him to acknowledge my efforts and write about it, he would've repeated the few same things he had been repeating since the past 6 months. on the other hand if you had asked him to write about the things he did for me, he would've also wrote a paragraph about it. the difference. the treatment difference was also insane. the fights made me want to turn into a maniac. the way he looked into my past and was so nosy bothered me. his inability to think positive about me was aggravating as if im a criminal. the way he compared me to other women without thinking about the things i did for him that none of his old bitches did for him made me want slap him. im also forgetting the fact i desperately wanted to get out of the haram relationship. but it hurts now. but i was hurting more back then. i was more annoyed. the way he always taunted but could never handle my one single taunt was crazy. the way at times he acted like my dad was soul crushing. his audacity to compare me to my mother saying my dad could be right without knowing anything was absurd. the way i committed smth w him that i would've never thought I'd do in a million years is terrifying. and that mf deciding to take revenge over one thing he actually told me to do is also insane. not considering abt the fact i needed my female friendship he never cared he just wanted every guy gone even tho i didn't talk to hamza in months. but that guy never noticed that. my all efforts always went overshadowed by one single thing as if i never did anything for that fucker. i get it now how much it stings how much it fucking stings when someone never notices what you did for them and always looked at your mistakes, remembered them, and made that image of you in their small ass brains. his audacity to act so low is almost hilarious which are actually an attempt of his revenge. but little does he know it makes him look so disgusting.

[milflookingforadilf]

"Allah sends hope in the most desperate moments. Don't forget, the heaviest rain comes out of the darkest clouds."

how could your heart break without His healing presence embracing you?

how to return to the One—who we sometimes lose sight of, but who never loses sight of us.

When the world goes to sleep, God is the One who is awake with you.

God is with you. Everyone else may leave, everything else may break, but Allah will forever be your most faithful and intimate friend.

[milflookingforadilf]

she finally give up not with life but with the world. She give up trying to find happiness within the world. She realised true happiness comes from Allah. It was Allah who watched her grow into the woman she is today. Allah has always been there to relieve her pain. It was Allah who caught her hand when she fell, rescued her when she was in distress and watched over her when she slept every night. It was Allah who held her hand when road seemed dark.

[milflookingforadilf]

i think my real problem is that yes I'm someone who i always pretended to hate. the thought of him laughing with others i hate it. i hate the fact i guess that, everyone is happy and laughing. being in a car and looking at the sidewalk students running and laughing, i never had that. when i had fun times it wss taken away. i am the damn problem i can't live with myself anymore. i feel so lonely. i thought I'd be fine. i still have hope I'll be fine but i dont have any hope it seems like the same dark long journey i went through. but im exhausted pretending to be fine. i have nothing. i need Allah. but i can't seem turn back to Him when im stuck here. Just when i thought i have no more tears left to cry, i realized i was wrong. it hurts. i feel suffocated. abandoned. i can't do this anymore. my head hurts mom. my chest. my heart. I've been living in my own cage and im afraid I'll forever live like this. chained by my thoughts. how do i put my grief into words? how do i explain i need help? how do i explain I need something or someone? how do i explain how hard is it to watch everyone laugh and have fun while I've always lived with my own company all these years? how do i explain im insane? how do i explain im not someone bad? how do i explain i can't stand the sun and live in my darkness but i don't wanan live in the darkness for too long? how do i explain please don't leave me alone with myself it's dangerous? God i hate him i hate him for driving me crazy for bringing me back to the version he made me free from while he's out there fucking fine.

i am so pathetic. Lord i can't feel the same again. i can't do all that again. Have some mercy on me Allah please don't let me turn into that version of myself. im afraid this is the beginning. i am so fucking lonely but don't come back to me. i wish i could go back. i wish. does he care? no fuck he doesn't, every night i spend crying while seeing from my own eyes how he's with everyone else. im always left to myself. that's what my life always did to me. i still hope somehow that these words reach to you and let you know about my grief, my health, my heart, my eyes, my head. but that would be useless, ultimately useless. i want everything to know what they have made me into today. i wonder why am i wasting tears on him. why. my head hurts. i hate myself for being so weak. i hate myself for being me.

[milflookingforadilf]

i knew this was gonna happen. i never knew i was gonna cry over a boy. now that you left me im bothered by everything you do. im bothered by the thought you're freely talking to other girls now. you're having fun with friends and family. but still i pray to Allah that he never makes you come back to me. you were mine to lose. im never gonna look at love the same. it's all gone again as if nothing ever existed. im all alone all afraid again. im stuck in my darkness and sins. i want Allah to pull me out, i want Him to give me heart peace, to come and pray. i wanna be disconnected from people and this world. my heart my soul is exhausted i can feel it slipping away. i need help. im all alone. im scared. im terrified. no one can handle me? that was also proven multiple times. Allah can. Allah can handle me. Allah is my Creator, My friend, He hears everything, He created me so He knows me. His weak servant. who fails to please Him and hurt everyone. now im scared of my consequences. my life. im anxious. its suffocating to breathe. i don't feel good. i need Allah.

[milflookingforadilf]

I'm tired. ultimately tired of caring abt people. their feelings. them. me being a pathological people pleaser as always. im done. they're free to do and say however they wish and i will do whatever i wish to do. can't handle them anymore.

[milflookingforadilf]

October 22.

i ended it all. with tons of realizations. and new fears.

it was so painful. i love him God i actually love him but i can't him that's why i can't commit to anything. i don't want to. i can't. Will i face my own actions? but Lord my intentions were never this. i have hurt countless people. heard the same thing from them. all of them were right. it was me. my foolishness of not being able to do anything right while thinking all along im doing it right. he hurt me so much. i hurt him so much. i don't wanna be in this. i don't wanna go back. but Lord i hate myself. i am a person filled with regrets. so unlovable. so not worth it. i hurt. i lie. im a hypocrite. i can't stand myself. maybe that's why my heart is darkening. maybe the people i hurt must've moved on but the scars i left them with won't move on. i was told i dont deserve true friends.

[milflookingforadilf]

im with a man everyone would die to have. one so pure. so loyal. so loving. maybe im the one who made him like that. still i know he's the type of person who would never cheat or lie. and every girl dreams to have a partner like that. while me on the other im the opposite. a liar. cheater. who doesn't treat him better. (I've done everything for him yet). i wanted a reason so i could leave him but there's none, i wait for times where he would just cheat and i would be like "fuck you im not gonna be w you anymore," isn't that crazy? but sometimes i think i would be the one cheating and he would say that to me. im stuck. and i dont know my way out anymore. its exhausting.

[milflookingforadilf]

oh how i deceived myself and my Creator. and my love of life. how i can't live in this constant guilt or carry the burden of my own sins. my castles crumbling down, and i watched all my bridges burn to the ground. my castles crumbling down.

oh My lord please forgive me, for deceiving you, for lying to myself for betraying You and myself. now im afraid of my marriage life. my partner oh how dearly i loved this man without seeing him. im such a traitor. i live with a constant guilt. and you my Lord You know me. I know You know your own beloved servant. one that is so weak and a liar and doesn't deserve anything.

[milflookingforadilf]

maybe im the red flag. I'm the problem. i asked Allah for a partner and told Him I'll try my best to be the same for him just let him be like how i love.

but i made a foolish mistake.

nd now im afraid. again.

you get a partner who is just like you. oh Lord

i am sorry my love. i wish i could've been better for you. and sorry My Allah. i couldn't live up to my words.

[milflookingforadilf]

no one told you, that one day you will all so suddenly feel grown. the feeling hits you've changed from inside.

of course a person does feel like this all the time and will continue to.

a question that will always be with you.

why does time move so fast?

[milflookingforadilf]

these few months gotta be the hardest months to deal with myself lord.

I have exam in 4-5days and im not prepared Allah knows just how much i tried by His Mercy but still im not confident enough. Lord maths is so hard to understand WHY IS IT SO HARD TO ANSWER A QUESTION YOURSELF,, NOT ALL QUESTION'S ARE SAME AND AND I HAD TO CONSUME 6YEARS OF COURSE ALL BY MYSELF IN THE SPAN OF TWO FRICKING MONTHS THATS INSANE,, LIKE BRO CHILL I DROPPED OUT IN 6TH GRADE my ahh doesn't even know how to use a Compass it's so embarrassing,, i still haven't memorized the square cube roots and im deciding yo givw fhe papers yo man that's insane PLUS ik none of it will matter in my life BUT RN I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO ATTEMPT THE PAPER cus it's WAY MORE harder than any other subject.

ANDAND one more fact i have a gap of one week before p2 AND GUESS WHATi didn't know that shit was worth 100 marks???? THE MARKS WERE INSANE WHEN IBOPENED THE PAPER AND I THOUGHT MY AHH WILL PRACTICE IN ONE WEEK FOR PAPER 2,, CUS GIRL I HAVEN'T BEEN PRACTICING FOR P2 AT ALL like AT ALL.

i always prepared for p2's at last moments but dang brotha i didn't know p2 was actually gonna be harder and complicated knowing damn well i did not prepare A THING.

maths is a sub where it needs lotta practice but. HAHAHHAHA i didn't do shid that's why im afraid of a low grade MANNNNN

Allah ki madad chayie bss:((

He understands my pains, He sees my tears, in the middle of the night after holding it in. He sees my struggles. He sees my intentions. He hears my silent pleadings. Indeed my Lord is with me, He will guide me through.

[milflookingforadilf]

if i told someone my story. the first thing they would ask me is: what kind of person are you? to treat a guy like that so badly, a guy everyone would die to have.

well yeah i dreamed to have a life partner and wished he would be my first and last love and vice versa.

but i made a stupid mistake and fell in love and ruined someone's else life with mine too.

why am i hurting and hating a person I always wished to have? yeah that takes alotta courage you know.

Even while talking about him makes me feel not loyal to my actual husband, somewhere and somehow i feel guilty, bc if i was in his position i wouldn't like this at all.

but the real question is, wherever in the world he is, is he doing the same for me? is he thinking about his future and trying to be righteous and pure for me? i am not anymore either but atleast i try. but what are the chances? zero. because i have no clue.

i dont know who he is but i love him

but does he love me? or will he be able to love me?

my love is poisonous.

and what i did to others is a sin.

do i deserve any better now?

i got the typa guy I've always wanted but he's not the person i need to spend of my rest of life with.

but God knows how much courage it takes to break someone's heart. i realized. Just how much you need to do in order to hurt someone. it's weight is insane.

i never believed in love. i gave love a try. i fell in love. then i realized. then i started to hurt what i love.

im no better.

scared of marriage life more now. what if my actions come back to me? what if the person i love the most treat me the way i treated someone who loved me the most. Oh God.

the heaviness weighs too much on the heart, darkness grows and surrounds everything.

At the end I need Allah.

i can't do anything on my own, I'm so very limited.

[milflookingforadilf]

im scared of what i think i deserve.

[milflookingforadilf]

im so all over tje place had an argument w my dad recently. and i lost it. they say you become what you hate. and ive indeed became what i always hated. being weak.

never in my life i imagined myself to be out of control, to act like a maniac, to cry like a maniac, to hurt myself. but oh wow.. there's that. someone who always controlled her tears always went to the bathroom to cry her heart out, then washed her face and came back as if i wasn't on the urge of beating myself up back there. someone like this actually lost it in front of her parents and cried.

the self hatred only grows each day. yes we're forbidden to say uf to our parents and i said heartless stuff. but i was overtaken by god knows what. I've gotten so weak. but why can't be my dad be like those dads i see out in the world who speak gently to their daughters and not someone who curses her own child out and says disgusting things.

i was getting close to Allah and now this happened and i feel like he must also not like me now for being bad to my parents i also have exams I have zero preparation for. Nothing will be yhe same again nothing stays the same. it always be you against the world. and you against you.

[milflookingforadilf]

[12:25 AM 15/9/24]

next time you feel anxious. the next time you feel stressed. the next time you lose patience. the next time you feel pressed, take a breath. its okay to feel out of place and it’s okay to feel upset. you were not made for this world, you only came as a guest. this life was never meant to be easy, it was meant to be a test. and although you feel lonely, know that Allah sees you in every step. He sees you struggling and knows all those troubles bottled inside your chest. and whatever He puts you through, He knows for sure what is best. So keep your head up, for there’s not long left until you finally find peace and your heart finds rest in gardens, on thrones as you sit back and reflect on all those moments you thought would break you, yet they were nothing more than doors to success. So the next time life hits you, don’t you ever forget you were not made for this world. you were made for the next.