mikeysantoss

[mikeysantoss]

therapy is horse shit.

so fuckin glad i aint waste my time on this useless exercise when i was younger cause if a motherfucker told me i needed to 'try yoga' after my mom's suicide, i'd lose my shit.

so why'd i try it today? idk. maybe i wanted to try and fix muself. maybe i still think i can be saved.

things are gettin real fuckin bad rn and i know i need help,, after my last O.D, i really thought i'd die. the thought of dying in such a pathetic way scares the shit out of me so i took a chance and called a therapist. 

three day's worth of tips for one hour, only for the shrink to tell me i gotta sleep better and eat better. 

idk what i was expectin but fifty stinkin bucks should get you more than a 'drink more water and try breathing exercises.' 

christ. no wonder people choose the easy way and just blow their fuckin brains out.

god knows i wanna do the same. wanted to give the shrink a piece of my mind and tell him that no amount of water and breathin exercises was gonna stop me from wishin i could just stop my heart-- but i aint tryna land myself in the psych ward with the crazies.

im not crazy. 

just tired.

anyway.

i said no to that therapist and he recommended a different one. really hope she's better than the last one. we'll see.

[mikeysantoss]

just for the record, i never wanted to write in a diary, cause im a grown ass man, not some fifteen year old chick kicking her feet and writing about her schoolgirl crush.

 but the therapist recommended i use something to “document complex emotions” so i have a “record of progress.” 

whatever that means. to be honest, i ain’t the sappy emotional kinda guy– it wasn’t how i was raised and that probably wont ever change. when i wanna express myelf, i play my guitar, and that helps when i dont have drugs to fall back on.

but when i told the therapist that i aint the type to bitch about my life in a diary she said it would help if i wrote down my feelings in something ,, so here we fuckin are. 

this blog's convenient and i dont gotta worry about anyon e i know finding it and readin it

to be clear, i still dont think this shit’s gonna work but i promised nik i would give therapy a real actual try this time. so whatever the therapist says goes. 

cant wait to look back on this when im high again and laugh at myself for thinkin i could ever make it out of this hell.

[mikeysantoss]

therapist asked if i was keeping up with my journal and i said yes even though i aint write in this shit for three weeks. guess i better start now.

let’s start at the beginning.

I can’t remember life without drugs. 

Had my first drink when i was 7 years old and my first joint at 12. shit happens when you grow up in a fuckass poor as piss neighbourhood— whatever, life's a bitch, am i rigft? tough shit. you just gotta man up and take it.

anyway. i never really recovered afyer that. it started off with the light stuff and when that didn't work, it moved onto the heavyy stuff. oxy, meth, benzos. anythin i could get my hands on.

but nothing was ever as good as morphine. it was the only thing that helped after mom's suicide. yeah, i get the whole irony of the situation. guy gets addicted to the thing his mom died from. trust me, i know im a piece of shit.

but hey. it’s not like i havent tried to get clean in the past— believe me, i have. and whenever i fuck it up, i gotta go through the whole round of guilt again, and the goddamn withdrawals are worse every fuckin time. not tryna make excuses, just tryna explain what it’s like. 

but nik seems to believe in me. 

he says i can do it. 

but he doesnt know what it’s like.

nothin against him and his rich kid life, but the upper east side deals with drugs different from us poor motherfuckers.

they get to send their trust fund kids to rehab where they dont have to see them go through withdrawals. they dont have to see their family or their friends at their worst, their fuckin rock bottom. drugs are a big part of their lives too. only they never really see the ugly side of that shit, ,,where you’re throwin up blood and acid and whatever the fuck else, sweatin off demons, or hurtin yourself just to feel somethin other than the cravings.

it’s funny, i’ve seen the tabloid magazines they keep at the front of the bodega, and when it’s rich people gettin high, the worst they gotta worry bout is a paparazzi takin a bad photo.

when it’s us poor motherfuckers, we don’t get a slap on the wrist— it’s straight to ryker's. 

anyway. nik. 

he’s the one who convinced me to get sober again, god knows i wouldnt be doin it for my sake. 

when he found out about the drugs (not a pretty sight btw. he literally found me when i OD'd) i thought we were gonna break up. we had a huge fight and i said some really fucked up things to push him away,, but that fucker is just as stubborn as me, maybe even a little more, cause he came back and said he’s gonna help me get off em.

yeah, good luck buddy. 

i’ve tried to fix my life for nine long years, and each time i fail, the relapse is more powerful, so if i was nik, i wouldve left me. if he's so smart, why can't he see that im a lost fuckin case? maybe he’s got one hell of a saviour complex.

fuck. i know im being harsh. 

maybe it’s my experiences with this shit, or my mom’s experiences, but i know what hope can feel like when it’s fuckin crushed and i don’t wanna do that to him. i dont want him to think he can help me get better only for me to disappoint him the way my mom disappointed me.

point is, i know how im gonna go out and it aint gonna be pretty. guess i jist dont want him to see me that way

i’ve been doin the ‘try and get clean’ thing long enough to know i never win against it. he hasn’t seen me at my worst and i wanna keep that to myself. jesus, he thinks im bad now? just wait until he gets a load of me on withdrawals. i just wanna protect him from the monster im gonna become— i dont know how he’s gonna react but i think he’ll break it off when he sees how useless it is.

wish he would just leave now when it’s less painful for the both of us. 

i’ve told him this but he says he isn’t gonna give up, that he can handle it, says he’ll stick it out with me. says he wont leave my side. 

so i wanna keep trying, just for him. and maybe this whole thing might work,, but i aint holdin my breath.

[mikeysantoss]

throwing out all my drugs today– yeah, even the emergency supply.. thought about keeping it in case i need it later but then i thought of nik and how hopeful he is that i’ll make it out of this, so i ended up getting rid of the whole thing. 

he’s the one good thing in my life and the thought of losing him scares the shit out of me. he’s the only one who believes in me, the only one who’s seen everything fucked up about me and loved me despite it. 

corny as it fuckin sounds, no drug in the world is worth more to me than him.

therapist said i should try withdrawals in rehab. but i got bad memories of that place and i think i can do this at home. promised her i wouldnt do it alone and that i’d call a hospital if shit got real bad (fat fuckin chance of that happenin,,,, im not made of money.)

today she made a suggestion that kinda threw me for a loop,,, she said i should write in the blog like im addressing mom. then she said some technical psychology thing about healing trauma through conversations– gonna be honest, i was thinking about the last time i tried withdrawals and reliving that fun experience in mu head, so i did not keep up– but when i zoned back in, she was sayin something about writing the journal like a conversation to mom and that it could really help. 

dont know if im gonna go through with insane idea but we’ll see.

alright. nik’s here and we’re about to set up the withdrawal room. 

wish me luck.

christ im already shakin.

[mikeysantoss]

one day clean.

god   it’s strted. the withdrawasl are s o fucking bad

strted with a pretty shitty headache and now everything just fucking hurts. there's probably some morphine still in my fuckin body cuashe im still not feel ing as bsd as i ususally gett but damn.

three days clean.

couldn't write yestderday. didnt wsnna look at a screen. my head wa sfuckign killing sme. can barely tyope rn. m y fingers hurt s omuch.every time i get up, my legs wanna murder me.

it’s bveen days and i keep throwing up. nothin i aint dealt with before, but christ. every time the withdrawals start, i rmem ber why it was so hard to quit.

nik checks in every two hours and after he’s done with work. feel so fucjin helpless when im like thsi. he’s doin so much for me and i dont deserve it

[mikeysantoss]

four days clean

why is it so fucking hot all the time. its like the second you stop takin drugs, your body decides to make your insides a persnal sauna for your organs. i can feel my blood boiling. forgot how bad the sweatign gets too. 

threw up so much. considering moving my mattress into the bathroom so i can avoid the crawl to the toilet every half hour. 

five days clean

feels liek the flu but worse. im snzeeing n coughin up god knows what. feells like body got run over by a semi truck. actually 2 of them.

almost snapped at nik todayy. h e aseked me how i was feelim g and i looked at him mad as fukc.

it aint his fault i know. i know. i cant stop muself from takin it ouit though

gotta keep this shit up so i can apologize

[mikeysantoss]

six days clean

cant eat cause my stomach wont keep it the fuck down. nik asked if i should go see a doctor but i dont think  i need one. as miserable as i am right now, iknow the doctor’s solution would be more drugs. 

i can do this on my own, just need to keep going.

seven days clean

fuck drugs. i'd do anythin for a fuckin hit right now. think my pills n the poweders were cut with somethin. no fuckin way were my withdrawals this bad last time.

[mikeysantoss]

eight days clean

day eight of no drugs and the hallucinations are starting to creep in. think its cause i barely get any sleep (withdrawals are so fun) but today i swear i thought i saw mom. or i heard her voice. one of those things.

scared the shit out of me. i dont like the part of me thats imagining my dead mom back in my liffe. 

[mikeysantoss]

ten days clean

nik made me a smoothie today. it was real sweet of him.

i threw it up two hours later and cried . felt like a little bitch. .god im so weak. every time i think im gettin better, some shit like this happens an d i get reminded of the simple factt that im still a total fuck up.

nik had already left for work, thank christ.

i dont want him seein me like this.

someone like me doesnt deserve him. he should be with someone stable, some1 who dont put him through shit ,,, i dont deserve how gentle he is with me. but i need to keepgoing, for his sake.

[mikeysantoss]

eleven days clean

cant rememebr the last time i skept properly. the hallucinations are getting worse now.

at night, my body feels like it’s on fire. there are ants crawling up and down my skin, leaving vampire like bite marks. but when daylight shines through my room, there’s nothin there. no ants. just sick looking skin. and the bites are just track marks from when i was shooting up. 

why did i do this to myself.

should have learned from mom's mistaek. i swear i promised myself i would never be like her but here i am doin the same shit she did. congrats, mikey, you're a piece of shit

[mikeysantoss]

twelve days clean

shouldve hidden my drugs better. wish i never got caught. wouldn’t be in this mess.

thirteen days clean

i tried looking for pills in my cupboard. aint exactlt religious but i prayed id find something. fuck, anything. i cant do this anymore idk whoi was kiddin.

im just like mom. dont know why im botherin with this journal. there isno happy ending for guys like me. we live, we hurt people, and we die.

[mikeysantoss]

fourteen days clean

wish i could go back in time and stop myself from touching morphine in the first place. i would beat the shit out of mself if i could.

that kid made one mistake and now im the one dealin with the consequences. stupid punk.

im so angry i just wanna scream all fuckin day, punch the walls or cut myself. anything to distract me from this god awful agony. it aint jist the physical shit, it's the mental shit on top of that. idk how much longer i can wade through this.

not getting any sleep is driving me insane and i keep hearing my mom laughing at me.

i keep tellin myself she's not real but shit,, now i feel like neither am i

[mikeysantoss]

fifyeen days clean

never made it this far in my past attempts to get clean. 

never felt this suicidal before in my fucking life neither.

[mikeysantoss]

sixteen days clean

woke up in the middle of the night, sweating like a pig. crawled to the bathroom to shower but i swear i saw mom’s face in the mirror and i aint ever punched something so fast before in my life. 

the mirror’s broken now. add that to the list of things i dont give a fuck about.

[mikeysantoss]

seventeen days clean

had an online catch up with the therapist today. can’t actually go into her office cause my body still hurts too fucking much but i needed 2 talk 2 someone bout these hallucinations. im goin crazy.

she asked me if i need anythin and i wanted to laugh. 

wanted to say 'a gun' 

but i didnt wanna be a dick so i just said im gucci. think she knows i was full of shit but she didnt oress it.

told her about my hallucinations and she recommended a low dosage sleeping pill.

but sleeping pills is how i got into this mess in the first place so i said hell nah. 

she asked me if i gave the ‘conversation with mom’ thing another thought. to be honest, i havent. writing in an online journal was crazy enough. addressing it as ‘mom’ is straight up nuts, even for me. 

but im willing to give it a try if it’ll stop the hallucinations. 

[mikeysantoss]

eighteen days clean

alright. first entry im addressing to mom.

hi mom. hope ur having a nice time in hell.

this is the stupidest thing ive ever done. you can't fuckin hear me. but verity says this’ll help so i guess im sticking to it.

she’s my therapist, by the way. not that you would know. 

last time i talked to you i was 18. now im 26 so i guess u need a little update on whats been happening in my life since you killed yourself.

lets see. i graduated highschool. moved in with cousin monica for a while. skipped out on college cause you always said i could never do it and i didn;t wanna prove u right. got two jobs so i could afford my own place. moved out of monica’s apartment. never really healed from the bullshit you put me through so i got addicted to morphine and some other fun shit. 

met a guy i really liked. the kinda perfect person that u dont think you deserve. 

and i almost ruined everything cause i got scared. he had to take me to the hospital cause i fucking overdosed– total accident, i promise. 

unlike you, i wasnt trying to kill myself.

anyway,, i thought that was gonna be the end of it. but it turns out there are rare people on this planet that dont abandon you when youre at your lowest. nikolai is one of them. 

so now im getting clean cause of him. so i can be the guy who doesn't lie to him all the time.

sometimes i wonder what you would have thought of him. but then i remember how you used to find a problem with everyone, with everything.

you probably would have found a way to hate him too. 

[mikeysantoss]

nineteen days clean.

you know whats really unfair? 

the fact that youre gone but you’re still affecting my life. how is that fucking fair. the choices you made in your life still haunt me and it’s not my fucking fault.

was i too much of a handful? is that it? is that why u coukdnt be a decent fuckin parent?