mika-mae-2

[mika-mae-2]

If you want to read into my other blog, @mika-mae you can read all about my life and hardships. I started this blog years ago as a replacement as a friend, but now I’m an adult with friends but I’m too attached to stop updating. This is my best friend. The friend who knows where your porn stash is (yeah, that friend.)

I only really update this blog when I’m sad, so it’s usually a pretty depressing place. Even still, I love it. I love looking back at my old posts and reminiscing on the past. How I never believed I’d make it to where I am today. In my last update, I wrote a little message for future me. And as future me, I’d like to say thank you to past me. I think I’ll continue to leave little notes for myself, I like those:)

Anyways y’all know why I’m here. I’m here to say something SAD. The sad thing in question is about a recent miscarriage I had. So. Be warned! It’s really sad. It’s really very sad.

The best way I can describe it is this:

Imagine waking up one day, and realizing you aren’t where you’re supposed to be. Your life is wrong, it’s supposed to be different. But there’s nothing you can do about it. This is how I feel about that miscarriage. I feel like I SHOULD be pregnant. I’m supposed to be pregnant right now and I’m not and it makes me want to scream.

It doesn’t help that I keep having dreams. I keep having dreams of my baby girl, of holding her, feeling her kicks and giving birth to her. They’re lovely dreams, and I’m always so happy. Like, on cloud 9 happy. I’m in love with my life and my family. Everything is as it should be. And then I wake up.

And that’s it. I just believe my life is not the way it should be and that makes me sad. I miss my little Avery, I can’t wait to see her one day. Mommy misses you forever baby bee. I’ll do everything you didn’t get to, and I’ll smile enough for the both of us. I’ll laugh for both of us. It brings me comfort that you only ever knew comfort, warmth and love. You were never cold, never hungry and you were surrounded by love for every second of your life. For that I am grateful❤️

Also as promised, to future me: I hope you’re doing well! I hope you’re happy and I hope you don’t feel sad. But if you do, it’s okay. It’s okay to feel sad. True happiness is knowing that fake happiness is bad for your mental health. Cry when you need to, stay in bed for an extra minute when you need to. I love you and I’m proud of you:)