mijngevoelens

[mijngevoelens]

IV Streetlights and green lights

An hour later everyone has left for their rooms.

Artyom, who has a habit of going to sleep late decides to go back to the kitchen. The room is dark, yet, just enough orange-yellow light from the lantern pole outside shines in to make everything in the room visible. He brought his headphones to sit in the light looking outside, listening to music befitting the aesthetics of it all. He listens to “Contaminated” by Banks. He is startled as Leonard walks in. he is wearing headphones too and it even appears to be the same brand as Artyom’s but an older model. They talk about the headphones and Artyom proposes for them to switch headphones and play music for each other. Leonards headphones appear to be out of battery so Artyom offers Leonard to connect to his headphones and play music for him. Leonard agrees and starts playing some French rap. He finds that most presentable to people his age and thinks Artyom might like it. but Artyom dislikes the music because it is not the kind of music he usually listens to. But it doesn’t really annoy him because the music fits the vibe of the moment.

“I often see you in the kitchen.” Leonard comments.

Artyom removes one side of the headphones so he can listen to hear what Leonard is saying. Leonard repeats himself but changes what he says.

“I often see you in the kitchen late at night.”

Artyom breaths in slowly, looking eager to answer. Their eyes are locked.

“well, I love sitting here listening to music until I get tired because the orang light shining into the room makes it feel so idyllic and creates this cool late-night vibe that I love. I mean, don’t you notice how aesthetical it looks? Leonard thinks about it and notices how the room does have a cool vibe. It’s something he, and most people, normally don’t notice or care about.

“yes, I do notice” he answers, “it’s quite nice.”.

He sees Artyom smiling contently. They had both come to sit across from each other on the windowsill. Leonard couldn’t help but notice Artyom’s face was coloured beautifully in the orange-yellow rays of the street lantern. He feels comfortable. Although he normally wouldn’t be.

“Hey, remember the tower we saw from the 6th-floor kitchen?” Artyom asks.

“aha, the ugly tower, yes of course I remember”.

“well I was on the 6th floor last night and I saw that the tower’s top part is lit green at night, do you want to see it?

“really? Uhm yeah, let’s go”

They get up and walk to the elevator. Waiting for it to come down the stand in front of the doors. Artyom turns his had to Leonard and smiles at him. Leonard notices and smiles back. That smile is so important. It’s like a cheeky smile but also a kind of look of complicity. It connects them. And Leonard likes it when he does that.

They take the elevator up and once they reach the 6th floor they go to the window. As they are not in the kitchen but looking from the window in the hall, the tower is somewhat to the left. Leonard looks outside but doesn’t see it. Artyom grabs Leonard’s waist and moves him to the right. They look at the ugly orange water tower with the green light. After five minutes. They both decide to go down again to sleep. Lying in his bed, Leonard feels weird. But in an enjoyable way.

[mijngevoelens]

III A festival

Every schoolyear is opened by a festival.

It is a sort of festival that draws a considerable number of young people and offers endless activities like sports, concerts, food stands and other original festival activities. Leonard did not go last year and came to regret it hearing stories about it from his friends. So, this year he was determined to go as well. 3 people from his building had already confirmed to him that they were going with him, but they were only a few so figured he would ask Artyom.

The past week he had seen him in the kitchen with the others several times but all they ever did was say hey to each other. Sometimes he would even see him late at night when going for some water or food in the kitchen. Artyom would sit on the windowsill either staring outside looking at the street or being on his phone. He would turn on the light but Artyom would instantly ask him to turn it off again.

Having just showered Leonard goes into his room.

Every floor has about 7 rooms, two showers, two toilets and one kitchen. Because of this, the flatmates all felt a sense of community. This translated into habits like leaving your door open or wandering through the halls making your way from the shower to your room not wearing much. Leonard decides to ask Artyom along to the festival. Wearing nothing but his underwear he goes up to Artyom’s room. His door is open but not completely. He pushes the door open and enters. He sees Artyom laying on the bed listening to loud music. Artyom gets up taking off his headphones in the process. The music stops but Leonard has already started talking so Artyom asks to repeat.

“Are you coming to the festival on Saturday?” Leonard repeats.

“Uhm I’ve heard about it but I’m not sure yet as I don’t know any of the artists who are performing”

“Oh well, I am going, it seems cool and it’s not that expensive.”

“And who else is coming?”

“some other people from our building but I don’t know them very well.”

“Well, okay, why not, I will go. How much is it?”

“It is about €20”

“Oh, that is not too much. How do I get tickets?”

“Tthe girl who is coming along will be ordering them, so you just have to pay her.”

“sure, that works”

“I will, add you to the group chat, Nathalie will be ordering the tickets.”

“I will text her then”

The verbal part of this conversation was pretty ordinary. However, a lot more happened. The first eye contact they made was quickly interrupted as Artyom’s eyes wandered down Leonard’s toned body followed by the appearance satisfactory smile on his face. It seemed that it was not what Leonard said that persuaded him to go, but rather what he looked like so to speak. But Leonard noticed Artyom was subtly looking over his body and though he is scared to admit, liked it. Only some brief conversations concerning tickets and other agreements followed the next days.

It is Saturday, and Leonard is waiting for Artyom outside together with his friends.

They do not know each other very well. Since it is the first week of the semester, they only met this week. Artyom comes out of the building and joins the group outside. It is sunny and they are all dressed lightly. But layered because the weather in the city tends to change its mind very quick and sudden. They walk to the metro station and take line 3 to the upper part of a city. In the metro, Artyom is sitting and Leonard is standing. Both facing the same window which between the metro stops served more as a mirror than a window and thus lost its purpose. They make frequent short eye contact. Leonard is not sure whether to keep it or not. He does not know if he wants to, and it seems to be out of his control. It is almost as if he is fighting an impulse.

They get off at the last stop, a recently built station with orange walls and silver like accents everywhere. The festival takes place in a park next to a lake at the edge of the city. They enter the festival with a big crowd. The first thing the group does is going to a small stage to see an artist that only two of them know. They walk through the festival being amazed at everything they see.

The group was 5 in total and although they all like and know each other you cannot say that they have a deep connection as they have only known each other for a week although some longer.

After going from stage to stage for some time Artyom gets hungry and asks if anyone wants to come along with him to get some food. Although he always prefers staying in the group Leonard decides to go along. No one else is hungry and the others want to stay to see the next artist. But Leonard and Artyom do not know the artist. They wander about the festival looking for a decent place to get food and find a burger truck. they order food and take it with them to a hill overlooking the whole festival.

A huge tower next to the park overlooks the area. And since the beginning of the festival, it has been the two boys’ main subject of conversation. Both are amazed at the sheer height of the tower and its modern architecture. After having eaten Artyom wonders whether they should go to the west side of the park to see the tower from up close. Leonard who is at once persuaded by the idea agrees. They walk through the park and end up at the water. Instead of sand, this side of the park's beach is made up of big rocks. Artyom eagerly starts climbing them heading to the water where he sits down to take in the view.

While he is sitting on the rocks lower and closer to the water, Leonard decides to climb the giant protruding rock to stand on it. Artyom turns around, looks up and sees him standing. He looks so cool that he grabs his phone and takes a couple of pictures of him.

“That looks so cool!” Artyom yells at him.

Leonard grins and mockingly poses tough. So, Artyom takes a couple more.

“I can take some of you to if you stand here.” Yells back.

They switch places and now Leonard starts taking pictures of Artyom. Then Leonard joins Artyom on the rock to show him the pictures he took. After that, they go back to the park and run into the rest of the group.

Later that day an artist concludes the festival.

They are standing at the edge of the sand near the water, their backs facing the stage. Leonard is staring at a group of girls he’s had frequent eye contact with the past hour and decides to go over. They talk and introduce their selves to each other. This conversation is meaningless, and I don’t want to describe it any further. As u may have noticed I am being subjective. What my relation is to this story is of no importance to you. Enough about me. Leonards walks back to the group. He wonders who to tell. As he spent some time alone with Artyom he decides to tell him.

“hey, do you see those girls there? I went over to them and got their number” he laughs enthusiastically. He expects the same reaction from Artyom. But his face is cringing, smiling friendly and frowning at the same time.

“Oh, that’s cool” he says in a weird tone.

Leonard wonders about Artyom’s weird reaction but continues to say, “we could meet them together, they were both interested!”.

But once again Artyom is not amused. “I don’t know” he says and while he turns his head away to look at the waves again. Another guy from the group starts talking to him about the girls “did you get their numbers?”. “yeah I did” he answers, and they continue talking about it. At 23h they all go home. Once at the apartment they join some other people on their floor’s kitchen. The group catches up with their flatmates who are eager to hear about the festival.

[mijngevoelens]

II He meets HIM

L is sitting on a train.

The train is going fast. He wants to look outside but the train’s speed prevents him from locking down a point in the landscape and looking at it. Besides that, it is also hard because it is 23h in the evening and it is the start of September meaning that it is dark outside. Because of this, he is forced to spend the train ride looking at the things and people inside of the train: a man in a suit staring emptily into space. A woman in her thirties with two loud children. The children do not annoy or bother him, but he prefers to ignore them. The train’s light orange walls, strong lighting and blue coloured seats create an iconic environment, the memory of which is generated whenever someone mentions the word “train” to him. Some things he sees around him are his own luggage consisting of a big bag from some uninteresting famous sports brand, a remainder of the time he still practised sports, a three days old newspaper, the puzzles and articles of which have been of interest to about 12 people since it has been left behind by that one person who took it from that blue stand next to the station’s entrance as a pastime during his one hour train ride home. Leonard, however, is not going home but rather to his apartment in the city. He took a late train to avoid the full trains during rush hour and in order to have somewhere to sit. In fact, He had four seats to himself. He liked the comfort. He tried to close his eyes and sleep but when trying he realised, he did not really want to. His mind kept wandering to his memories of Saturday night’s party with his childhood friends. I will not go through the trouble to name who was there and describe them because there is no need. U probably get the idea. There were the main friends who he had missed, some other people he knew from his childhood but never became friends with, the girls who had gone through most of the guys there and I am sad to say even went through him. And then there was the one girl who he had a real fling with. I may be saying fling out of my disdain for the unfortunate girl, but I do not care. They had a relationship, yes, but apart from the sex it was a one-sided thing as Leonard did not give her a lot of attention. Which only left her wanting more and which is also the main reason they never really broke up and the whole thing just faded after a couple of months. It devastated the girl, pushed her into a short depression and is generally the main reason, she now has a negative attitude toward most guys that try to hit on her. Seeing her at the party did not affect him in the slightest. He does not even remember her being there. What he remembers is the fun times with his friends, how they got drunk together and talked the night through around a campfire in a farmer’s field near one of his friends’ home. It was the only possibility they had living in the countryside. But the party did not occupy his mind for long as he suddenly remembered that he still had to clean his room in the apartment.

He gets off the train and takes the tram to his apartment.

His apartment is a small room that was decorated by his mother back when he moved in last year. The walls are white and empty as no pictures or paintings are hanging anywhere. His bed and most of his furniture are Ikea. His bed is white, his night table black. Although the apartment is one room the sleeping part is zoned into a separate room and can be sealed off by closing a curtain. But he never does that. He falls into his bad and looks at the ceiling. He sees the decorative frame of a chandelier that used to hang there but is now gone. It is a beautiful round shape in renaissance style. It is the point that he stares at when he daydreams on his bed. Although he never thinks about the shape itself. A loud bang is heard coming from one of the rooms next to him. Some of the apartments that were empty last year due to renovations would this year be open to hiring and have now been taken by new people. So, he figures it is just his new neighbour. He is curious who his new neighbour is, so he goes down the hall, walks past the room slowly, looking in. he sees the back of a thin but tall guy crouched. There is music playing in his room, but L does not pay attention to it. Going back into his room again he sees it is midnight, so he decides to go to sleep.

The next day he goes to university, now in his second year of an engineering bachelor. He likes what he studies, and it comes easy to him. At university he has classes. They are made up of noticeably big groups of people. As some of his childhood friends also study engineering, he also has a group of friends in the city. One he expanded throughout the year by meeting new people when going out or while he was on campus.

One of his classes last year was taught by a woman who gave him a lot of trouble. She failed him on his exam by unnecessarily correcting very strictly. After that, she invited him for a conversation about his exam. She showed him his exam, he checked it looked at the mistakes he had made.

Although he noticed that, he did in fact make a lot of mistakes he still found that she corrected disproportionally. Anyone could have looked at the exam and objectively concluded that she corrected too strictly. It annoyed him and he was trying hard not to show it. But she noticed, and it was the reaction she expected. She liked doing this: provoking people. It was some kind of psychopathic trait she had. When she failed people and invited them for a talk, she would afterwards still tell them they passed. So, she told him too that despite everything he could still pass.

He is looking at a list telling him which classes and teachers he will be having this year. Upon seeing one of this year’s classes is taught by the same woman, he clenches his fists. But decides not to keep thinking about it and just ban the thought from his mind for now.

After his morning class, he goes to the store. He buys a pan, toilet paper, some ravioli, butter, and other things he needs to get through the week. He does not like going to sandwich shops fast-food restaurants or any kind of place where you pay other people to cook for you. He prefers cooking things himself. Not out of a love for cooking but because he does not like spending money on that sort of thing. He returns home walking along one of the canals and rivers that run through the city. He enjoys walking there it offers a nice sight and the tall trees offer shade from the September sun. he walks up to the door, opens it, goes up the loud old wooden stairs of the house to get to his room. But as he tries to go up, he sees the guy from last night is going down. They meet each other halfway the staircase, make eye contact and realise they cannot just pass each other since both of them have stuff with them. The guy politely goes back up the staircase to give way for him to pass. Leonard goes up the stairs and puts his bag down.

“Hi I’m Leonard”

“I’m Artyom” the guy says with a sweet smile.

They shake each other’s hand.”

“So which floor are u on?” Leonard asks.

“I am on the second floor and you?”

“oh, me too! I am just moving in.”

“Oh, okay so you are new then?”

“Yes, I am. You aren’t?”

“No, I have already been living here for a year.”

“Oh, okay cool, and which room are you in?”

“behind me haha” Leonard answers pointing at the door to his room. “and where is yours?” he continues asking.

“mine is just two doors down”

Leonard nods and the two turn silent.

“well it is nice meeting you, but I have to go now.”

“Oh, yeah sure”

Artyom goes down the stairs and exits, leaving Leonard to watch him leave. He resumes his thoughts and continues walking into his room. The rest of that day he spends doing homework and other tasks not worth mentioning.

In the evening, the flatmates often gather in the kitchen to eat, listen to music and talk.

Though Leonard has been living in the building since last year and though some remained most of the people he has gotten to know have moved out. Most of them because they finished their university. He feels sort of sad that they are gone but he is also happy that his news flatmates are more his age.

Leonard hears loud music coming from one of the upper floors and suspects it is coming from the sixth floor. A floor where he knows some people. He goes up to the 6th floor’s kitchen to see what is happening. Loud music is playing and about seven girls and three guys are standing spread across the kitchen talking in groups moving to the music. Two girls Giulia and Ariana are cooking pasta with pesto, the scent of which floated through the room. Leonard comes in and starts greeting some of the guys he knows and sees Artyom sitting in the back of the room with two other girls. I just realised I have not described him yet. He has blond-brown hair, as previously mentioned before is tall and thin - just about three centimetres smaller than Leonard. And he is wearing a black hoodie and grey pants. Leonard decides to go up to him. Artyom, sitting on the windowsill leaning against the window, starts grinning when making eye contact with him and seeing that he is coming towards him. Leonard comes to stand across from him, facing the window. He looks outside and sees the cityscape. Though his floor’s kitchen window and this one face the same side this one offers a much more interesting view since it is on the sixth floor. It looks out on streets, other apartment buildings, some school building some factories in the distance and a forested park about the size of a soccer terrain with a strange looking tower standing in its centre.

“Do you know what that tower is?” Leonard asks.

“yeah, I thought it was a water tower from one of the universities here.” Artyom answers turning his head to look at it.

“it looks so strange and weird haha, very ugly.”

“I know right! I hate its colours.”

One of the girls is playing the music and suddenly a song comes on Artyom knows. He starts singing along and dances a bit while staying seated. Leonard despite normally being annoyed by someone shamelessly dancing and singing along is actually amused by it and some of the girls even join in on Artyom. After that one of the guys puts on a song Leonard knows and really likes. It’s a rap song to which he knows the lyrics. So, against his own nature, he starts rapping along and since he is still standing across from Artyom it’s as though he is given a private concert. and al this without breaking eye contact. It’s like they are really becoming friends.

Moments later after the vibe calms down a bit Leonard asks Artyom “have u eaten yet?”

“no, but I am about to go out to eat in the city centre with some classmates, so I will get going in a bit. And you?”

“well I was just about to cook some ravioli downstairs, so I’ll go with you if you’re going down the elevator.”

“oh, sure.”

They say goodbye, leave the kitchen and take the elevator down to the second floor where they both get out. Artyom goes to his room to grab his stuff and a jacket etc while Leonard goes to his room to get his cooking equipment.

[mijngevoelens]

I WHO is he?

The rain was pouring heavily and did not seem to be stopping any time soon. Looking out of his window only two colours Leonard could make up: green and grey. Green trees and plants had had all spring and summer to grow tall enough to block his view of the highway which cut through the many fields of the countryside where he lived. The grey sky that moved and looked like an abstracted painting. Every five minutes or so his face was lit by a bolt of lightning after which a loud clap of thunder resounded. Inside of the house, all was illuminated by a strange white glow evoking a sense of nostalgia. He lived in a house built in the ’70s that was full of antiquities. Because of this ancient outlook, as a child, he could not help but think the house was full of secret rooms and doorways and maybe even a treasure. And though he has grown older and even turned 19 a couple of months ago, it seems this thought still crosses his mind from time to time. but he hated the house. It was built out of brown bricks and he had come to passionately dislike the colour. Although he lived in the countryside he went to school in the nearest town. A small village where everyone knows each other. It may be a small town, but it has a lot of inhabitants and it is also a gathering point for people who live among the fields nearby or in other small hamlets. Last year he moved to a small apartment in the city to study, which is a common thing for small-town teenagers to do. He lived there on weekdays but just like a massive number of other students he made the weekly exodus from the city to his parental home.

Questions have never ruled Leonard's mind. He had built his mind's foundations on a bedrock of rationality. His hopes for and beliefs in any god or supernatural being have long faded. Despite having such specific opinions, he is not philosophical at all and avoids thinking about such things. Most of the time he thinks about his social environment: his friends, the girls in his life, his hobbies, and his studies. He is perceived by everyone as an ordinary guy, by some as a friend, as a fling and so on. Just to show that everything and everyone in his life is very plain. In fact, describing him is remarkably easy because he does not really stand out. Although, he is extremely good-looking. But not just his appearance is contrasting. So are his relations with others. To some he was a friend, to most he was that friend of a friend to very few however he played the lead role. He is the kind of person who Is always in groups of friends and never meets one on one with friends. He is not aware of this. Neither is he aware of himself as he has little self-knowledge. Some people can spend massive amounts of time thinking about their behaviour and how they come across to other people while others could go their whole lives without spending one bit of time thinking about that. And he is clearly one of those people. He always lets himself be led. Whether it is by people, circumstances, or peer-pressure. Whether it is on purpose or not, he always ends up in groups of people. That is probably why he dislikes being alone a lot. Call it a fear of missing out if you will.

Anything else about him is not worth mentioning because it is so ordinary: his parents, where he lives, his hobbies. Although, no. his hobbies can make a last demonstration of how basic he is. He likes sports. He used to practise more but now less and less because the social aspect of his life has moved to the foreground. Ever since he often promised himself to start again after a certain event or point, but always ended up forgetting about it postponing it again.

I hope now u can make a clear picture of him in your mind. Brown hair short enough that even when it is down u can still see his eyes. As it happens, he, of course, is the kind of person that looks just as good with his hair down as up. His eyes are green-brown, stand out and although so far no one has, one can certainly drown in them. He is around 1m 80. and even though he looks thin, he still has abs and broad shoulders. This is because, as previously mentioned, he used to sport. When it comes to the clothing, he wears your average 19yearold’s sweaters, pants, shoes, etc, but he avoids colours like pink, purple, yellow and light green.