miikewazowski

[miikewazowski]

i HOPE you see this.

disclaimer: this post is filled with all the hate i could possibly emit. it is everything i want to say to him, so please excuse my french. it is the punch to his nuts that i should have given him then. it is the mental pain i wish i could have reciprocated in the moment. 

other disclaimer: i am not a violent person. i do not condone violence. this post is simply my demons having a little freedom for a moment. they are running amuck in my head. i need them out. i never abused anyone, i was always the one BEING abused.

you fucking suck. you are probably the worst human i have ever met. youre fucking crazy. you should be a mental patient. and if you need proof of that, i have it sweetie. i will have it until the day i die. in case your dumbass tries some shit in the future. “wHy ArE yOu ReCoRdInG” fucking dumbass. i have all your little meltdowns on tape. you yelling at me, you scaring my DOG. you PUNCHING YOUR OWN DOG, you telling lies, you pulling out the GUN, should i keep going? you cant be trusted. and we ALL know you have your fucking family wrapped around your little finger. you treat them like SHIT and they still care about you. they still think theres something there worth saving. first hand i can tell you, you are a shell of a human. YOU KNOW HOW FUCKED UP YOU ARE AND YET YOU STILL REFUSE TO BE HELPED. so fucking be it bro. what really pisses me off is you just fucking got away with ALL OF IT. i called the cops on you TWICE and both times you stopped me. i WISH one of them went through. i was on the phone with the girl while you were screaming. hoping you wouldnt see me on the phone. i couldnt put it up to my ear. do you know HOW BADLY i wanted her to trace the call. i was BEGGING for the universe to save me from your insane ass. you are a piece of shit. karma is on its way to you. i manifest it every day. i hope your life is awful. i hope nothing ever goes your way. i hope you rot in hell, oh how i wish hell was real. people like you deserve to live there. burning. in constant agony. YOU NEED TO ATONE FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME. YOU NEED TO BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR ACTIONS. YOU NEED TO OWN UP TO THEM. I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO LIVE IN SILENCE. THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW YOUR FACE, YOUR NAME, YOUR ENTIRE BEING.

YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.

YOU PUT ME IN DANGER WITHOUT ANY REGARD.

YOU SHOULD BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE.

takes u to court for emotional turmoil

bitch i would sue you for everything you OWN

i should have taken bucket. youre going to kill that dog one day. for fucks sake you punched him full force in the head because he tried to lick your popsicle. then threw him across the room like a football. i should have called the animal police bro. you cant even take care of yourself, why are you being trusted with a helpless dog? i dont give a fuck about you. let me make that clear. you dont deserve anything in this world as far as im concerned. but that dog, that dog needs to be saved.

you are LUCKY that you still have your family, unfortunately for them. but they are all you will ever have. you are a gaslighter. and i hope to fucking GOD that you dont entrap ANYONE else. live alone, die alone. 

that being said, you pussy ass bitch, if you MIRACULOUSLY decide to admit yourself and become a GOOD PERSON, then MAYBE i will consider manifesting positivity for you. but if you are still the same abusive asshole that i lived with, then i will continuously wish nothing but hell for you.

but heres the thing about GASLIGHTERS. its in your DNA fuckhead. your brain is LITERALLY fucked up. so you cant change. and i doubt you will. because you are “fine”.

well, YOU DONT GET TO GET AWAY WITH THIS. the more i heal, the more i see the truth. you manipulated my entire life. i became a pet to you. a pet that you abused. im basically bucket. i loved you unconditionally, and you abused that love. YOU ARE AN ABUSER. YOU ARE DANGEROUS. you need to be stopped. and i will live with this pain for the rest of my life because of you. i will ALWAYS remember what you put me through/did to me. if i EVER see you on the street, i WILL catch a case I. DONT. GIVE. A. FUCK.  DONT YOU ever STEP IN MY LANE AGAIN. you are dead to me. i was the best thing you ever had. i hope you think of me. i hope you miss me. i hope your heart aches from the loss of me. i hope the pain is as unbearable as the pain you caused me.

now heres where you misunderstood me.

you took me for a fool. someone that you could manipulate endlessly. you must have thought i was dumb. LMFAO. i love HARD but i am NO idiot. i saw you. i KNOW the real you. and it gets clearer every day. you cant run from who you are. and if i have to let the world know who you are too, i will. so stay low. dont make any noise. dont hurt another SOUL. or i’ll pop up. you dont get to hurt anyone else. i refuse to let it happen. i crave justice and revenge. only thing keeping me quiet now, is i dont want to be a bad person. i dont want drama. you aint worth it motherfucker. but im ready for anything. you can not be trusted.

so keep telling your lies. keep everyone thinking you have a halo. keep abusing people. keep it up. i know you will end up where you are supposed to be. people like you dont make it very far in life. 

just know, as long as im alive, you have an enemy walking this earth.

fuck you w, d.e.

[miikewazowski]

fuck

apparently none of you will ever understand.

so im done opening up.

to you, i will always be happy go lucky.

since you refuse to see me any other way.

refuse to accept the truth.

refuse to empathize.

i just wanted a little bit of courage from someone important to me. instead i was torn down.

“thats so selfish of you”

i will never forget that.

live a day in my head and then tell me im selfish.

YOU DONT KNOW ME ! 

you know YOUR version of me.

your “little girl”.

there is no “little girl” anymore.

i grew up. ive been hurt. ive been traumatized. I HAVE LIVED.

OPEN YOUR EYES. WAKE UP.

acting like im still an innocent little kid.

you dont know what i have seen. you dont know what ive experienced. you barely know a fourth of it. 

i just wanted my family to listen. to cry with me. to hear my pain. to feel it. TO SEE ME.

and instead,

i was town down.

hurt yet again.

and scarred yet again.

i suppose i cant be mad. if you dont even know me at all, how can i expect you to know what to say to help?

[miikewazowski]

fortune favours the brave

your name is german for “brave”

and thats exactly what you are, my love. brave. 

the only person in this world that needs convincing of that, is you.

your strength is unmatched. it is admirable. it is inspiring. it keeps me going.

you, my dear, are a force to be reckoned with.

the world would cease to exist without you in it.

i hope you see one day just how amazing you are.

i see it every day, and it astonishes me every time.

no one in this world could ever love you more than i do.

my other half.

the shit to my shingle.

i love you sweet girl. never forget it.

[miikewazowski]

golden

you got me here. you gave me the strength i needed.

a series of unfortunate events brought us back together, but i wouldn’t change a thing. we heal each other.

and even from 1005 miles away, you’re still here with me.

i wish i could protect you from the evils of this world. you’re too pure and precious to be damaged. but im forever grateful to be the one to help guide you through this shitstorm.

and thank you, you saved me.

not only would i die for you, but i live for you too. i only hope i can return the favour.

you really do live up to your name.

gold. shining. glimmering. gorgeous. unbreakable.

god help anyone or anything that gets in your way. you are unstoppable.

i love you with every ounce that i have. never forget that.

[miikewazowski]

im sorry if you understand this.

people really underestimate the power of demons.

they have the strength to take a life.

the grip they hold on you thoughts, your feelings...its tight. too tight to see. too tight to breathe. too tight to scream.

they take over.

they always take over.

unstoppable.

one thought leads to another, that leads to another, that leads to another, and another and another and another- swarmed.

like bees.

they sting too. not just on the surface.

deep down.

in your lungs, your heart, your soul...

its such a deep, aching, burning sting.

so painful that some would do anything not to feel it anymore.

losing to a demon doesnt make you a coward, it makes you yet another lost soul.

- for anthony.

[miikewazowski]

i love you...unfortunately

its unfortunate for you all to be in my life.

i care too much, and love too deep.

its my hamartia.

every “i love you” comes from my soul.

and every “im sorry” comes with pure intention.

i will literally give you a piece of my heart. like a protection stone. to carry with you everywhere. so that you know there’s at least one person in this world who would die for you.

unfortunately for you, you misunderstand where that love comes from.

what drives it.

what makes it so smothering.

you cant even see it for what it is.

i love you....unfortunately you now have to reap the benefits of what i sew.

[miikewazowski]

being respected feels wrong.

you’re not supposed to tell me to take all the time i need. you’re supposed to force me into hanging out everyday and then become attached at my hip in a very unhealthy way. 

you’re not supposed to tell me not to be sorry. you’re supposed to make me feel bad 24/7 and get angry at me for not replying for 30 minutes.

you’re not supposed to be patient with me. you’re supposed to go off on me at any time for any reason ever.

lol. fuck that.

[miikewazowski]

purpose

i dont believe in a god. i dont believe in a single power controlling every aspect of this universe. i dont believe we have a purpose. we are born, we live, and we die. some people make ripples, some people make waves. most are forgotten. there is no rhyme or reason to this rollercoaster we call life. no one has a prewritten purpose for being alive. we have to find it ourselves.

for the longest time, i lived to die. but where is the happiness in that? where is the purpose? we have to have a purpose. right? because without one we are meaningless.

something so depressing about living to die.

i suppose thats why we create a purpose to live.

all of this suffering cant have been for nothing.

so to put my mind at ease, i live now for others.

i live to make the people around me happy. i live to bear the pain they cannot. i live to care.

if i dont, who will?

this world is always going to let you down, i want to be the one thing that doesnt.

[miikewazowski]

3.

the first one cheated.

the second one lied. a BIG lie.

and the third, well the third killed me.

failed again and again by “men”.

and those are just the ones i dated.

3rd time is not a charm.

but 4.

4 might be.

4 might be trustworthy, 4 might be a real man.

only time will tell.

for now, it will live on as a dream.

maybe one day i will feel alive again.

[miikewazowski]

danger

making my life miserable was fun for you, wasnt it? making up lies to gaslight me. to make me feel disgusting. dirty. to make me insecure. you sick bastard. you thought you won. so did i. we were both wrong. 

should have went through with the first 911 call. 

should have called the cops when you grabbed the gun.

should have, could have, would have. if not for fear.

i loved you with my entire being. you wasted it all. not even giving any back. the “love” you showed me wasnt love. it was abuse.

you abused me.

you broke me.

you killed me.

to this day i still have the proof. and i will have it until the day i die.

neither you, nor your family, will prove me wrong.

i know who you are.

you’re danger.

[miikewazowski]

sustinence

food. the thing essential to living. the thing i used to binge. the thing i can no longer stand. im hungry. nothing sounds appetizing. im starving. full after 5 bites. i need to eat. not hungry. its a vicious cycle that i dont know how to repair. i used to rely on food to keep the boredom away. overate because it was delicious. i dont know when that changed. but now i see eating as a chore. everyone thinks that ive lost weight from working out. i probably have. but i dont really eat anymore. maybe its because im unhappy. maybe once im safe and settled again i will be okay.

[miikewazowski]

fog

no one tells you what to prepare for when you start over. when you COMPLETELY start over. new state, new surroundings, new faces, new house, new room, new schedule. it’s scary. im almost positive i was happier when i was miserable. im definitely not happy now. i dont know what i am. but these arent happy tears. and they dont stop. i miss my routine. thats just me being selfish. i think i would feel better if my mum was here. sometimes i wish we just stuck together. but thats too easy. i try to keep telling myself this is all character development. if the demons dont catch me first, i’ll be one hell of a person when im settled. because all this pain cant be for nothing right? it has to matter for something. i wish i could time travel. skip to 3 months from now. thats how long, on average, it takes for anyone to settle. 3 months from now we’ll have a routine. 3 months from now i’ll have a job. 3 months from now i wont feel like a stranger here. 3 months from now i wont feel useless. people tell me to relax while i can. that this is an impromptu vacation. no, this is a series of unfortunate events. he scarred me so bad that i left the only safe place i have ever known. granted it brought me closer to family, but i’ve been on my own for some time now. and moving in with family thats already settled, makes me feel even more out of place. i sound ungrateful. it’s just my demons talking shit again. believe me im grateful we are here safe. theres just a small part of me that really doesnt want to be anywhere at all sometimes.

i cant see much right now. my future is foggy. i have no choice but to fumble my way forward at this point. one day at a time i suppose.

[miikewazowski]

trauma

always requested we cook together. the most i was asked to do was peel potatoes. or grab a pot. or grab the milk. 

always requested that i ask what’s wrong. never came to me first. expected me to mind read.

always said i got defensive. yet never let me speak. never got to express my feelings.

always requested that i try harder. yet never saw me trying every day.

always wanted me to make friends with girls, didn’t “trust the other guys”.

always requested to hang out with me and my friends. never got alone time with them.

always put words in my mouth. always said i did something when i didn’t. but i was never right.

i was always wrong. never enough. never valued. never appreciated. 

i was so scared. but so blinded by love. 

stole my virtue from me, like taking candy from a baby.

silence terrifies me. even alone in this empty house.

still there next me. still angry at me for not cuddling while we slept. still angry at me for playing my game. still angry at me for not wanting to talk. for wanting to take a shower alone. for wanting to see my friends alone.

always angry at me. even now.

ready to leave. the memories haunt me. i relive them every day, even as much as i try to avoid them.

“that happened in the living room, this happened in he kitchen, all these happened in the bedroom”

everywhere i turn.

i wanna go home.

i wanna feel safe again.

[miikewazowski]

avian

on rare occasions, a mother bird will push her baby out of the nest forcing it to fly. whether the baby is ready or not, it must learn to soar. the only alternative is to fall. 

eventually the family will part ways and begin their own lives.

i wonder if the baby ever misses home. the comfort of their first memories. the comfort of knowing they will always be cared for. the comfort of having loved ones nearby. 

i was pushed out of the nest.

i don’t know if im flying. or if im still roaming the ground avoiding predators.

i don’t feel the wind beneath my wings.

i miss home. i miss stability.

i wasn’t ready. i feel stranded. i feel alone. i wish for my nest. the nest i was born in. the nest i was raised in. i wish to be cared for and nurtured.

i don’t want to fly yet. im terrified to fly. and maybe that is my downfall.

mama would say “once you fly, you’ll never want to walk again”

but i like to walk. walking is safe. walking means i don’t have to grow up.

but growing is inevitable. and babies need to learn how to fly. regardless of how scary it is.

im just not ready yet.

[miikewazowski]

good old days

i remember when life was simple. “up and at ‘em” he said every morning. eating cereal and watching spongebob. going to school and either forgetting my glasses or my backpack. my worries were so big back then, now those worries are just good old memories. one day, my current worries will become the same. but for now they consume me. im falling back into the same routine of keeping myself busy by going out so i don’t have to face them. for a while i thought i had changed. life just feels so repetitive at the moment. one step forward, two steps back. its exhausting. in need of a miracle. hoping i can get one soon.

[miikewazowski]

pater

thank you for being my best friend, since day one. you have always been there for me (despite missing my first birthday, i forgive you though). i miss the days when i would walk out to the living room to say goodnight, give you a kiss on the cheek. and the days when i would have you tuck me in. i was old enough to go to bed on my own, but i felt safe when you tucked me in. i remember bringing you a pillow, then running down the hallway and jumping on your lap. and when i would stand on your bed, you would pick me up by my ankles and then drop me. “be careful” mom would say. and the very first time you took me to the gun range. even when you made me take off my princess shawl at bedtime so i wouldnt choke. ah, the little things, you helped me through my breakups, told me it’s all okay. i’ve always trusted you. with everything. i’ll miss seeing you build your legos everyday. and making me empty the dishwasher or the trash. i cherish every memory, good and bad. shooting the puck down the drain, ice skating, walking max. all of it. you have no idea how grateful i am that you are my dad. thank you for teaching me how to be a man in a womans body. thank you for loving me no matter how frustrating or obnoxious i can be. ad astra !

p.s. im thinking of youuuuu

[miikewazowski]

dear mama

cant believe you’re leaving. feels unreal. but life has treated you well. and i know it will continue to. you are an amazing woman. and i aspire to be as amazing as you are. thank you for teaching me that women are powerful. and that we can do whatever we put our mind to. i dont know what i would do without you. i remember when you sat with me and max. i know that hurt you but you refused to leave my side, despite your own pain. i remember when you used to leave me gift baskets for every holiday. and when you made me a little bag full of sparkles when i lost my first tooth. you called it fairy dust. that night i laid with you in bed, put my head on your chest, and you told me about the time you saw the tooth fairy. i believed everything you ever told me. like the way my knuckles would become huge if i kept cracking them. or that if i unwrapped my presents early, you would know because you wrapped them a “special way”. 

this is one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life, i wont lie. you wont be around the corner anymore. but i dont want you to worry about me. even though i know you still will. “i’ll always be your mama” as you say. but caterpillars will one day learn to fly. and it’s time. i will miss you immensely.

theres no way i can pay you back, but the plan is to show you that i understand. you are appreciated.

i love you.