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[midsummer-cirque]

One day … maybe you will realise .

That I once liked you so much.

But you keep talking to other guys , mentioning other guys …. And told me how you cuddled with other guys …

Don’t expect me to stay beside you.

When I move on , I hope you realise it.

That you have lost me , and not I lost you.

[midsummer-cirque]

I don’t want to go through this again….

The last one hurt so bad ….

Now this again …..

Why is my love life so hard ???????

Why can’t just for once - the person I like , like me back ?????

I feel so heart broken ….

[midsummer-cirque]

hahaha...

is so funny, now i think about it.

I was just clinging on to hopes- your actions time and time again thinking it meant something.

Everytime you put out my fire, then I'd put some distance.

then you approached me again, then the fire will be ignited.

This time, after 3 falls , zion, hayden and someone you met onling.

This is it.

I had enough.

I will let the rationale side of me take over, and put boundary between us.

i will move on.

[midsummer-cirque]

But I want to trust you

These few months have been a rollercoaster of emotions for me.

Honestly, I thought you were interested in me - with you initiating the closeness towards me.

Do you know - everytime you talked about Zion first - I'd feel so affected and jealous. You told me that you liked him, but not so much until you want to progress to the next stage. Then after he ghosted you, you started to miss him.

After that when I was in Hokkaido, it was Hayden.

Seriously, I feel that I have fallen for the wrong person. I thought you were someone that was loyal and could only like one person per time - just like me. But after thinking all the actions you did, it did not match against the words you told me.

I think you're someone that just want all the adoration and attention from all the guys. That you're just lonely and need someone to talk to.

I tried to convince myself so hard - but i feel is time to let the rational side take over. Especially after our clubbing night at Sweat- that you also talked to guys from dating app.

When we were alone at medousa, you'd direct the phone screen away from my eyes several time- that was when I guessed you are talking to someone, and you didn't want me to see.

I really wanted to trust you, but i am truly so disappointed.

My heart actually aches - the wave of emotions. The disappointment, the fall from expectation, and i thought through our time we spent together, we would develop into somemore.

But you kept saying you want tall guys, and is a turn off for you because you can never imagine kissing a guy shorter than you.

well, that hurts actually.

Whatever you do really hurt me indirectly, and the worst is - I can't say anything to you because it is your taste, your choice.

But those mixed signals you showed me, are they fake?

do you really just see me as a friend?

The concerns you showed me when my tragus piercings failed, when I write I'm so fucked in my iG note, you remembering when I'm flying and counting down.... your stares, and amos told me you were touching my hands at medousa when I was sleeping....

I don't know what i should do.

I feel like i'm in such a difficult spot - not sure whether to avoid you or continue seeing you as a friend.... or confess my feelings to you....

I really wanna trust you.

[midsummer-cirque]

WHAT?

I am just nothing to you right?

You always come and find me, talk to me.

In the end, I am not even sure if you liked me.

I hate this feeling. I hate feeing jealous when you talked about the other guys.

Isn't it obvious that I have feelings for you?

Don't wait till I'm gone to realise.

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[midsummer-cirque]

death by me

I do’t know why it hurts so much.

There are days where I wanna end things so badly.

To just disappear because this is truly what I wanted,

People don’t understand how does depression feel.

I remember once I saw how does it feel like, and it says:

“It feels like everyone is drowning around you, but you are the only one that cannot breathe”.

And that hit me like a hurricane.

I feel like i have nothing meaningful to look forward to.

I have absolutely no one I can share my thoughts and feelings to.

I have been wearing a mask of sunshine for too long, and I was burning brightly for everyone around me, while I was slowly consuming by own darkness. A darkness no one could see except for me.

People don’t understand how does depression feel like. It isn’t like “ Oh, let’s hang out” or “ Think more positively” - those things wouldn’t help at all. The more you guys say things like that - the more my laughter becomes agony. The more facade that I need to build up. And when the silent voice comes again, and that is when it collapses,  and that is when I want to die even more, do you guys even understand?

I didn’t bother to say my deepest feelings to anyone - because I don’t think anyone could relate at all. And this is not even a self-pity party. It is a true genuine feeling. A feeling so hopeless - that it robs you of any energy to even perform the basic stuff. 

But you know what is the worst thing? That depressed people are always doing dangerous things to escape the pain they feel everyday.... and people label them as lunatics...

[midsummer-cirque]

Going crazy missing you.

I have become like this because of you.

I wish you were here with me.

I’ll hesitate to pull you in for a hug.

I’ll protect you. I’ll stay by your side.

Jonnie, I am really missing you....

[midsummer-cirque]

I thought i have found someone that I really like in a long time. 

I don’t know what I did to deserve this.

I put down my pride, my ego, my fears - just to try my best to reach out to you.

But you don’t even seem to care.

Recently after taking my anti-depressant pills, I feel slightly better.

Maybe these pills really work, and the doctor was right.

Everyone has the power to walk away, right?

Walking away is 1 of the most power things one can do to oneself.

To save myself , save my sanity, save my pain.

Maybe is clear enough to me - that you don’t care about me.

All those texts saying you do, and unless I don’t want to talk to you, you wouldn’t not talk to me.

Look what happened.....

Look at the mess I got myself into.

everything was just a lie, right?

[midsummer-cirque]

Bad points

1) You don’t communicate

2) You totally lack of basic respect of treating someone as a human being

3) You have 0 empathy for someone who truly cares about you

4) You make me so mentally exhausted. To the point is seriously affecting my mental health. Which basically translate to destroying my life.

5) You destroyed me and showed 0 concerns

[midsummer-cirque]

Stab

The pain is so intense recently. I never experienced such intensity before.

It’s like the emotional pain causes so much physical pain - the loss of will to even eat properly, do things and anything that requires energy just suck the little life remains in my soul.

What did I let myself spiral down into such dark abyss ? I could literally feel cold and shivers in my body when I let thought thoughts intrude my mind again.

And you know what is worst ? You aren’t able to control it. Nothing you do can make the addiction of thinking goes away. It is like a vicious cycle. 

The more you try to heal, the more those thoughts will intrude you.

I understand that for me - is a grieving process. I let myself get so hurt until I become so numbed that I will one day - become indifferent with that person. And that is when I will move on.

I really, really want to let go. Now I’m hurt like fuck, and nothing can ease the emotional pain in me.

Someone, please save me....

I might do something to end myself...

[midsummer-cirque]

hurt

I am honestly so mentally exhausted.

Everything just hurts so badly at this point. i feel like I am at the lowest point in my life right now, and I am slipping away.

There are days where I am just all over the place- emotionally-wise. 

I don’t know why, but this hurts so badly.

Why did I let myself get hurt by you?

Why did I let myself be affected by you ?

I really didn’t know what I did wrong - to deserve something like this.

At least you could have told me what went wrong , what I did to hurt you. But no, being ignored and not even acknowledging my existence actually hurt so much more than rejection. This is not even rejection. This is outright disrespect to me as a basic human being. Is like you didn’t even respect my feeling at all. You did not think of me as a human. And that hurts especially coming from someone you care about.

I have done whatever I could to get you to open up to me. Did you know how much thoughts and courage I needed to go up to you? And look where it got me into - a dark place. 

I was recovering well - having the time of my life partying and all. If I didn’t go to candyshop that night , we wouldn’t have met. If I didn’t let my kindness get ahead of me and went over to help you - I wouldn’t have met you and gotten myself into this mess. I hate myself for doing that. 

And you know what I hate even more? Is that I still miss you and worry about you despite all the things you have done to me. 

“What happened Jonnie? Are you okay ? Tell me things. I don’t want you to suffer alone. “ - These are thoughts that linger on my mind everyday,

But I am not even sure if you are even thinking about me. This is so messed up. I am honestly so exhausted to the point I feel like I don’t even have the energy and mental capacity to take care of anyone right now.

My life is just so pathetic. I am so utterly alone all caged up in my mind. And people still think I am sunshine when in fact, I am really just a darkness.

This hurts too much. This hurts too badly. I really don’t want to go though this process again. I am so broken up inside. Deeply, deeply broken up inside...

[midsummer-cirque]

Strong bond

(via)

[midsummer-cirque]

[midsummer-cirque]

Again

I feel that my entire love life is a cosmic joke.

How many times must I be hurt again when I am giving my sincerity and all to someone’s important?

3 times. I feel so shattered and broken.

I let you in, you were the one that told me you liked me. I truly believed in that and really wanted to work things out with you.

But you? Just sent me a text that you are not ready, and now we are FWB. I said okay but I did it because I liked you, truly. 

I feel that I am shutting down again - closing myself and building sky-high walls so not to be hurt again. 

You think I want to be like this? Let me tell you - i really, really hate to be like this. No one understands my feelings, no one cares about me. Everyone just treats me as a joke. And you know what hurts the most ? It is the person you really believe in, sees a lot of potential in, hurt you like that.

I saw that you cuddled with him on the bed - have you ever thought of my feelings? Have you ever spared a thought for me? If I were to do it to you, how would you feel? I am so broken. i am so hurt.

I am really at loss of what to do now.

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