midorismorningsessions

[midorismorningsessions]

before proceeding, listen to the full episode here:

in case you missed it, this is the accompanying post of episode 14 in season 3! (yes, we're on season 3 now!) hope you enjoy reading!

as of writing this, it would be two years since i submitted the article that changed my life.

in retrospect, to say i was reckless doing such a vulnerable thing is a complete understatement. i never thought that idiotic decision of mine would lead to a whirlwind—the album, the essays, the thesis, multiple episodes of this podcast...what else can you think about, really?

looking back at it now, i think it also helped that there were just so many realizations over the last two years since i wrote that article.

first up, i got to tell my story... in my own terms. in the previous times that i did disclose to somebody that i was assaulted as a teenager (listen to season 1 episode 9 of the podcast for context), it was because i didn't have a choice. that article was also the very first time that i went into graphic detail about said assault. and the rest is history.

over the past few weeks, i've been thinking about...just how hard it is to go through this process of really understanding what happened to you. the panic attacks, the constant uneasiness around guys, the random flinches or weird vibrations i have all over my body. and people just do not understand the severity of the situation and how it corresponds to my wishes in regards to my thesis writing journey. and over the past two years, it's been really an internal battle coming to terms with the fact that something so fucked up happened to me. i couldn't understand why this elicits such intense reactions to me, i couldn't understand why i'm battling with this desire to be heard and not heard at the same time.

for the longest time, i've been imagining this setup of an anonymous interview—one where i am the one being interviewed about the complexities of my case—that detachment from the abuse, the fragmented memory i have regarding said abuse, the strange moments where i felt like something was wrong but i just couldn't understand what the hell is wrong in the first place. i'm still navigating that timeline myself. all i could remember was the very last time it happened. that disconnect between me and the memory is still a prevailing feeling all this time. to this day, i still find it hard to comprehend it all.

despite that, i think i have found myself in a better place than i was in two years ago. it's still easier to hide, sure, but it feels a little better talking about it so frequently. and through this article, i was able to explore so many aspects of my traumatic experience that i was also able to channel through my thesis. but i don't think this is a journey that would end when my thesis is done. i decided on this topic well before we even had the thesis-related subjects, and i think the healing process is just a lifelong journey to undertake, really.

i wish my professors did understand this sentiment. many of them think of this as just another academic endeavor for me, but it's beyond that. in season 3 episode 7 of the pod, i talked about how upset i was when one of them (my department chair, no less) said that i wasn't thinking about my studies at all when i said clearly that i didn't want to talk about what has been affecting me lately. if i said i didn't want to talk about it, it should just end right there, right? she should've never crossed the boundary that i set for myself by not wanting to talk about it. chihaya and i have already made up, sure, but it still doesn't remove the fact that she should've never pried further. i'm just glad chihaya and i are still friends, and i couldn't have asked for somebody better.

speaking of him, he has greatly helped me heal, as you've already heard too many times throughout the seasons. i'm not going to try to reiterate that. but just having someone that can hold that space, give you space to really embrace who you truly are, who can openly give you advice on how to navigate things...it helps a whole damn lot. and so many people do not understand that our friendship doesn't just go within that boundary—it is a lifelong bond that has really become just an avenue to embrace each other's struggles and flaws. we're flawed, and he lets me embrace these flaws with grace and sensitivity and pure, utter kindness. and you wonder why i will always speak highly of his name? we're not a will they, won't they couple, and will never, ever be. we respect each other's romantic relationships, and i will never wreck somebody's relationship just because i want somebody for myself. i don't want to prove my worth to him, or vice versa. we've already done that a long, long time ago. we've already considered ourselves an important person in each other's lives. it doesn't get any better than that, really.

going back, this whole thing's still a cloud for me. there are still so many things i have yet to discover about myself and the process of healing from this dark time in my life. i'm on the fence about being called a survivor—i called myself that in the article, though now i don't feel as inclined towards the term as i did back then. the term signaled an end, and i just don't think of this in that manner in any way, shape or form. the impact of the assault is still felt to this day, and i'm still reeling from it. i still feel ashamed. i still feel embarrassed. i still feel like hiding myself away from the rest of the world. i still don't want my name to be equated to this experience. i still find it hard to talk about it, even with the disconnect of my reality from that time and the person that i am now.

however, i do hope that by the time i finish this thesis, i would understand things a little better. i wouldn't say that i'm completely healed. i don't think i've liberated myself from the horrors of my past. but we're getting there, one step at a time.

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today's ending theme is sweet salt's someday this rain will stop. enjoy listening!

[midorismorningsessions]

before proceeding, listen to the full episode here:

it has been over a week since her funeral, and the void left by her passing is truly indescribable.

although our finals have taken over for the most part of our daily workarounds, i still feel like there is a mountain of grief to climb for all of us—from us to our professors to her friends to her family. my seminar adviser said it best: we can't grieve, because we have people that count on us. and that, unfortunately, is true for everyone that somehow was graced by her presence, but most especially, on her little quaint journalism community.

however, i look back, thinking that we do grieve about it in our own little ways. i think about how she helped forge my thesis into something i am very much proud of even though i haven't begun my data gathering process yet. i think about the atmosphere in her house during the wake, how melancholic and abrupt it is. i think about the assignments that she still had with her, the laptop that she had to frequently check to ensure the presentation was projected correctly. the most mundane things somebody does end up being part of that reminiscence path we walk on each and every day.

our car passed by the alley leading to their house for the first time since her funeral the week before as of writing while we were on our way to a dinner thanks to my brother. i pointed it out to my mom and dad who were beside me as i mumbled to myself, "i miss you, iori." as with the rest of the department's professors, i called them by their respective idolmaster characters. hers was iori minase.

her loss is very much profound, and abrupt, and indescribable. just as our whole academic community were rocked with losses one after another over the past year alone, she was the one that drives the rest of who i call the unnies along to many of these wakes, as she was the one with a license and her own car. and last week was the first time i saw these same people so heartbroken, so emotional, so weary that they had to drive one of their friends to her final resting place. i had never seen them waver up until that point. i had never seen utter heartbreak before my very eyes until i saw them, especially my seminar adviser, completely break down when talking about her. i felt compelled to just stay with her for the better part of our walk to her resting place. if i could only hug her so tight that she wouldn't be able to let go, i would.

in journalism, there is always that rule to never be the story. you're only supposed to deliver the story. when she died, we became the story. they were the story. sure, there weren't cameras during the wake or the funeral, and student journalists were the ones that covered this story, but it was just heartbreaking to see it front and center.

in 2019, i wrote a song called wintercearig, after the old english word meaning a deep sadness comparable to the melancholy brought by winter. that feeling reverberates throughout the entire song, but is most especially prevalent in the bridge:

was leaving you behind a part

of the fate we're forced to face

as tears fall down my eyes

let the sadness rain and shout your name

and i think that would be the best ending theme song for this particular post.

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today's ending theme is my very own wintercearig from my sophomore outing all these songs were written just for you. enjoy listening!

[midorismorningsessions]

before proceeding, listen to the full episode here:

in the years since i last made a podcast, i never thought i would be talking about a loss so profound, so devastating, and so unimaginable that i am still grappling with it to this day. when you compare the topics of the first season to the recently concluded second season, this season's definitely heavier and the story progressed from the story of my thesis journey to assignments and the many callbacks and reminiscences of the friendship that i had with arguably the best friend i could ever have.

the other day, my adviser asked us to help out with paperwork for our documentary production. i waited for her to finish up her work, and then i stared at him and the table that was just in front of the couch i was sitting on, and flashbacks just came pouring in. i was also there the day before to submit my consent form, and i asked my adviser a few questions before going on my way home. i could not stay at school longer than i used to, i just go home. it broke my heart every time i was there. i just watched law and order to wash it all away.

this week, my classmates are defending their respective thesis, and i decided to take a break from doing it altogether. the past few months have been really shit to me. all of what i did to him constantly haunts me, even when my technical critic (and his boyfriend) asked me about the status of my thesis, to which i answered "let's not talk about it". i'd rather not tell him that the reason i have been so broken is the man that he loves so dearly. in fact, he never knew that i'm currently on break.

i saw our very first picture together on an event last year on my facebook memories, and it brought back memories of the time when i was truly a part of his life⁠—the total opposite of what is going on lately. maybe i overstepped myself, maybe not. maybe i was protecting myself from losing another friend that i never realized i actually lost him by doing that.

i just could not bring myself to finish the two biggest projects of my life, knowing that these will serve as haunting reminders of a time where he was once by my side, and that i would eventually have to move on and press myself forward without him.

i don't know if i'll ever be the same again. i lost one of the biggest supporters i could probably ever have in my life. he was always looking out for me, getting real with me whenever i ask him for advice. i miss his wisdom. i miss his candor. i miss his self-deprecating humor. i miss his enthusiasm over the things i loved so much. i miss the mundane times of just being in the corridor, talking for hours, even with people in the room.

i miss his safety. he was one of the few people that i could let my guard down no matter what. he broke down the walls i put up in fear of disappointing others. our relationship goes beyond the halls of that corridor and the titles that were bestowed upon us by society.

he will always be the greatest friend i will ever have. and i will never be the same again without him.

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today's ending theme is sia's breathe me from her second album colour the small one. enjoy listening!

[midorismorningsessions]

before proceeding, listen to the full episode here:

you know, it's scary to always ask for help.

i've always been the one who silently suffers, doesn't let anyone in unless they really prove that i can trust them and keep their word. well, my bestfriend and confidant, my most trusted one at that, is not the best one to be doing the role at the moment because he's busy with his own stuff. so here i am, left to deal with this mess all by myself.

and that brings us to the current situation with my thesis adviser. don't get me wrong, i really love her, she is such an amazing thesis adviser to have, but i honestly feel like...she's so busy that you can't really get a chance to talk to her because she has so much stuff to do. i feel like i'm compromising a lot of things just talking to her.

back in september, during my internship, there was a time when i had to go back home to work on my thesis, all the while events begin to pop up left and right and i couldn't even complete them all because i was at home, doing my thesis. and meeting her. we got to talk about stuff on that day at a cafe just a city away, but it still feels like our relationship has been strictly academic and nothing more. i left my broadcasting organization, of which i was one of the pioneer officers, because of some stuff and since then, we don't really have much in common aside from a subject that will involve us getting out and doing our documentary projects.

my bestfriend told me before to open up and let others know that they got me. it's scary to do it, especially when you've gotten so used to helping other people and you don't even get anything in return for that. you just keep that heart closed and let people know you at surface level at most.

with her, it's scary to do it. the other day, while we were covering our foundation week at school, she was asking me about how things are on my end, and i told her about what i have been feeling since the beginning of the year. the place we were talking about houses their very office below our station (or rather, my former station where our recordings usually happen), and that place triggers me so much that i had constant breakdowns just being there towards the end of last semester. she laughed it off. like a damn maniac.

i was thinking, man, she is so damn lucky she doesn't get to experience what i am going through right now. at least she's damn lucky to have friends that are still there for her after all this time. and now, i've got that going for me, but now we don't even talk. i just ignore him at school now, even as i was going home from that coverage shortly after the conversation happened. i didn't even bother glancing at him. it just makes me feel sad.

i told her the other day i was going to open this up to her, but i don't know...she just doesn't seem up to it. it feels like i am constantly bothering her, and i've already been feeling that way with my bestfriend given how awfully busy he is. all she would do is just lend an ear and listen to my pleas. she asked me if it was fine to say it in the office, but i told her anywhere but there. i didn't want to be reminded of how hard it is being in that damn spot, reliving every single moment the two of you talked, whether it is outside or inside that office. and then she says that she's busy with her doctorate, but i am busy too...i'm busy with a lot of things. i'm still not done with my narrative, or finding participants for my thesis to finally be back on track, or how to pay that tuition fee.

but i can only hold and do so much. i can only feel so much, cry so much, smile so much. it's tiring keeping up the facade, and now the cracks are showing.

the facade is breaking, yayoi.

[midorismorningsessions]

before proceeding, listen to the full episode here:

i'll reply when i'm available.

this was his final message to me before he deactivated. since then, i have become a mess. i feel like i'm shouting to the void every time i send an email to him. i haven't really made much progress on my thesis and internship, and now with the annual journalism seminar coming our way, it adds more fuel to the fire that burns around me.

i haven't cried much, sure. but i still find myself looking back on our conversations and remembering how happy i was chatting with him about the randomest of topics. he provided a safe place for me to be my completely unhinged, foul-mouthed, brash self without all the repercussions. and you can guess how hard it is to let a fucking amazing friend go just like this.

i see him on his boyfriend's instagram stories, laughing and chatting away with his friends. this is how it should be, i think to myself. but of course, i still feel sad. i genuinely enjoyed talking to him, and now, we don't even greet each other whenever we bump into one another. i'm scared i'll be bothering him, even if he has reassured me multiple times that i'm not and that he feels the same way too. the only thing i can do now is look on from afar and try to process this overwhelming grief consuming me day by day. everytime i think about this whole thing or type one of the essays here or even record an episode, i am just completely overwhelmed and devastated. it was like being ditched so early on in my thesis journey, but the irony of him being a witness to the heartbreak that it caused me just as i was about to completely do a 180-degree turn with the release of my album is absolutely audacious.

i wonder to myself if we're still friends after all this time. will i ever put this sadness behind me when we get in touch again? will i ever get to talk to him again the way we used to? i honestly don't want it to end like this.

maybe there are seasons for things, but i didn't want this season to end yet. especially not like how things ended between us. it's so hard when i couldn't even do anything to make his burdens a little lighter. i don't even know if my thoughts are reaching him. do they? even his boyfriend doesn't answer my queries. i hope he does, but i don't know. it's so hard when the only thing i can do is just look on and hope he somehow pulls through.

and now...i don't even have anyone i could talk to as casually as i did to him. all my other friends are busy with their own lives. it feels lonesome to be left alone every time, while other people spend their time with their own friends. while i've gotten used to it, having people i could actually spend my time with without the thought of bothering them is still a yearning i have all this time. the void he left is so unimaginable, incomprehensible, unavoidable...how am i supposed to live without you now?

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today's ending theme is leann rimes' how do i live. enjoy listening!

[midorismorningsessions]

before proceeding, listen to the full episode here:

as i write this, i seriously do not know the question to this answer. having reeled from the loss of a friend to the perils of a staggered thesis writing journey coupled with random reminiscences of past memories while working on my narrative report, as well as the inherent final projects needed to be accomplished, made for a turbulent first few weeks of the new year for me. i think i might've fallen into a major depressive episode.

i decided to deactivate my facebook account so i won't have to recall these memories he left me dealing with, but everytime i turn up to school for the most random of reasons, i find myself just catching all the sadness this world ever has to give me. i've hesitated to come back since. or even turn my focus to these impending projects i still needed to finish. i just can't put my heart out into these projects. not when i'm still getting myself together, both as an individual student and the person a lot of people count on.

sure, i may have a long list of things i've wanted to do after school ends by this year. pursuing music full-time, teaching at the same department that has broken my heart and left me devastated twice, streaming myself playing valorant with an ever-cursing mouth, writing more and more pieces and essays about my experiences in life, producing and hosting a podcast about these same experiences, they have all crossed my mind. but nothing will ever replace the constant loneliness i have been feeling since time immemorial, a feeling that was once filled by my now-former college bestfriend, currently busy with the most important project he has undertaken yet—his own thesis.

i kind of don't like calling him that. but he has since grown cold as ice, not just towards me, but everybody else he has probably ever known. that excludes his own friends, ones that he encounters and spends time with everyday. these lucky bastards. that may be too much of a word to say, but they're lucky enough not to bear the brunt of losing a friend. they're lucky they will never grieve over losing someone so important to their lives, despite them being very much alive and kicking.

we never ended on a bad note, he said to me one time. so you don't need to block me. but knowing myself, i will definitely have the urge to tell him about random stuff, my adventures, my thesis, internship and everything in between. i did it for my own sake. of fucking course, it'll leave me haunting for days and weeks on end. and i did it time and again.

i told him about what i have been feeling in the brunt of all this in a lengthy rant on our messenger chats. i couldn't pretend any longer. i wasn't fine with everything happening at all. i wasn't fine with him being cold, or him deactivating. hell, he even told me that i could just dump everything and he'll read them all, but i couldn't do that now. i don't know if he even reads the rest of the emails i sent him. however, he read the first one that i sent in early january, saying that i didn't want to bother him any longer as he keeps himself busy with work and graduate school. i still had hope, but it has since faded with each passing day as i see him spending his time happily with his true friends.

i was never one of these friends. although he has been telling me that i am one of his for keeps friends, i don't know if that is even true anymore. he has been with me for all of my major milestones in the past year, but i couldn't even cheer him up in his most turbulent time yet. i don't know if he still considers me as a friend, or a phase now enamored by our respective personal endeavors.

i don't know where to go from here. that's the most obvious answer. i don't even know if i'll be able to graduate in about six months time. i don't know if i'll be able to survive this phase at all.

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today's ending theme is 5 seconds of summer's amnesia from 5 seconds of summer. enjoy listening!

[midorismorningsessions]

before proceeding, listen to the full episode here:

when i saw the term bricolage, i remembered an instagram post where it said that we are all fragments of each other's lives, and that long after one leaves, they still become part of it through the habits we pick up from them, and the moments we shared with them.

my college bestfriend and i haven't really talked much since i got the news and in turn, supporting him and the closing ceremony right after, life really got us in the head. we did greet each other during the holidays, then the anniversary came, and then the year turned into a new one, and we haven't talked since aside from updating him regarding my internship.

when i think about all the things we've shared, the moments we've bonded over, the support that we gave each other...it fills me with unimaginable warmth.

as i continue writing this, i'm on my way back to my internship site for the final time to get my evaluation form and do the exit interview, and he's still blocked in my messenger account. it feels strange not to let him know about this since he also serves as my internship adviser, but i had to do this for him. it hurts and i think my tears are welling up inside my eyes as the van i'm riding on moves towards its destination.

the sunrise's pretty...really pretty. i wish he could know about it, but i'm sure he also sees it from where he is. too bad i can't really tell him about it. i don't really want to disturb him any further.

i looked at our previous conversations on messenger once i unblocked him again and i saw the message this person is unavailable on messenger. i kept the day's events as discreet as possible on my end, not really telling anyone about it until some time later with one of my best friends.

although we don't talk as much as we used to lately, my mind is still filled with endless worries for him. has he gone home? has he eaten? how's his thesis going? as much as i want to ask him about it, i don't think i will so he could focus on it. after all, we plan to include each other on our respective thesis (and my narrative report) acknowledgments. there's just so much we've done to better each other's lives, me being his number one enemy and cheerleader, and him being a steadfast constant in my life.

it's just hard to get used to this kind of life when you always pop up on each other's messages. it feels different when i see the message instead of saying that i blocked him. everything just feels...different. even stepping into the goddamn building feels heavy. this just feels like the ditching all over again, just made...a million times worse.

seeing that he deactivated his account just made everything heavier for me. and stepping into the building, the corridor where we used to talk about anything and everything about our lives...felt like i'm being shot to death everytime. it feels like i'm being stabbed through my chest over and over and over again. i could never step into that building ever again without being filled with so much emotion and memories of the past. i was just there to pass my evaluation form for the internship, yet holding that doorknob made everything hard for me. i'm still grieving, and my birthday also happens to fall on the end of this month, which is harder considering i've always looked forward to my birthday every year.

this is the hardest one of them all.

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today's ending theme is futari no kioku from the idolmaster master artist 08: iori minase. enjoy listening!

[midorismorningsessions]

before proceeding, listen to the premiere episode below:

i still remember the day it happened. it was april 13th, 2023, exactly a week before my second album was slated to come out. it was also the same day that second album's concept photos were released.

i came to school early hoping to get a consultation from my then-thesis adviser for my topic when my department chair suddenly stopped me in my tracks, bag still worn over my fickle shoulders.

the news of the ditching came as the two of us talked outside the office. i was panicking and troubled about the state of my thesis. although my college bestfriend did give me a heads up weeks before the journey began about the possible ditching, this still came without warning. hearing the news was different from knowing the possibility of being ditched. my world crushed into a million pieces, and i was pretty much inconsolable for the entire day.

i'd have to start over...again. for the third time. it was already my third attempt at getting things started.

i was really uncomfortable with having a man as my thesis adviser, even if they displayed some feminine tendencies as the male professors in my department do. i still am trying to overcome my trauma, after all.

i couldn't focus on what my new thesis adviser was saying when i had my first consultation with her, as i was still reeling from the shock the ditching brought to me. although my former thesis adviser and i have made up before the year ended, it has permanently caused a rift...and resentment towards him for the deed. as much as i want to be friends with him, the ditching has damaged any sort of reconnection i will probably ever have with him, and it is still one of my biggest regrets ever.

looking back at it now, it is still arguably the most devastating news i have ever had to receive personally. i felt numb and listless that day, even failing to finish my mcdonald's lunch at school. my hands were shaking, and as i continue processing the news chatting with my bestfriend once i got home, i still beat myself up for not even initiating the conversation i needed to achieve in the first place. i was an idiot, i told him later in the evening.

maybe i was ignorant, or maybe i was too hung up on the thought of starting over just as i was beginning to conceive arguably the most important project of my life. maybe the psychological noise of desiring to be taught by him, mentored by him, blocked my vision so much that i couldn't see the end of it all. i didn't even know if i was going to graduate this august, if even at all.

i told him everything that happened in the aftermath of the ditching just before the past year ended, and it was like reliving that traumatic time all over again. and i mean everything—from the day itself until the many times i cried over what could've been. yet he commends me for continuing on even when i didn't have a choice but to do so.

while i'm glad that we had a talk about it, i still feel bad that i could not talk to him in person, and that it will forever cause me guilt inside as i journey through the most important project of my life⁠—and finally putting the trauma of the past behind me.

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today's ending theme is lucid fall's still there, still here from his seventh album someone, somewhere. enjoy listening!

[midorismorningsessions]

welcome to midori's morning sessions!

hello, midori here!

this website will take you further with my thoughts on each episode's topic. from the inner workings of a graduating senior doing her thesis to the grief over losing a friend, midori's morning sessions will be filled with reflections and realizations of arguably my most tumultuous period of life yet.

enjoy the morning thoughts brought to you by midori's morning sessions!

in the meantime, listen to the second season of midori's midnight sessions, with new episodes out every sunday at 12mn (gmt +8)! it's out wherever you listen to your podcasts!