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[midnatt-sol]

The Turning Point

I have thoughts that

I can never find solace from.

Moments where these thoughts—

Foul, cruel, and ruinous

Take hold of me;

Clog the creases of my brain

And every wound shoddily mended,

Festers with grief and anguish.

Because what you did to me

Left a blight that’ll never be suitably healed.

And so I can think of one— and only one—cure:

Take a box cutter to my wrists,

Put a noose around my throat—

Bleed out or snap my neck.

Maybe the rope will snap

And I’ll break my fucking bones.

But in this moment, somehow,

Between the racking sobs

Between each labored breath,

While I’m fighting for my life

Against my own goddamned brain

Some distant flip switches,

And some faint light glimmers.

Because it’s this exact moment

That I realize, I finally fucking realize,

I don’t deserve this pain—

I fucking never deserved this pain.

The only remedy isn’t Suicide;

Nor is it the box cutter

And neither is it the noose.

And this pain?

I’m leaving it in your charge.

I’m handing you the box cutter,

And I’m fitting you for this noose.

No longer will I make myself bleed for

A pain that has never been my burden to bear.

Fuck you.

[midnatt-sol]

I wrote this for National Poetry Month, SAAM and Denim Day… which was yesterday, but I didn’t get a chance to post it. The poem, like most of my work, is open to your interpretation! If you can find personal meaning in this that is specific to you, go for it. I wrote this poem mainly to be about growing up too fast— I’ve talked before about the child-on-child-sexual abuse/severe bullying I endured during my elementary school years… and other life events I’ve gone through in my adolescence, even in my early 20s. I was 24 when my sister and I were with my grandma when she had a stroke and passed away, several hours later. And… in the grand scheme of life, I realize now at 29, I was still so young at that time.

This month I’ve had a lot of problems with my chronic pain and I had… so many “hopes and dreams” for Poetry month/SAAM, haha, but they got derailed because of all the chronic pain. However! I am feeling better now, so I hope to post more soon… even if it has to all be posted in May. :,)

[midnatt-sol]

So I’ve dusted off this old URL and made a poetry side blog!

Right now, there’s only the two poems that I wrote and posted in 2018 (that I’ve just reblogged from my main art blog) but I plan on adding more :) Thanks for stopping by!

Trigger Warning Sidenote:

Please be careful while reading my poetry. they contain themes of suicidal ideation, self-harm, CoCSA and CSA, sexual assault, child abuse, domestic violence, and death.