micharedmc

[micharedmc]

Just found out the Doctors I go to offer HRT. Like... holy shit. There's nothing on the website when I checked before but I saw a flyer and prices. Might inquire to my doctor. If they approve and give me the 'health certificate' (that's required now at that doctors to get HRT) then I can ask the next-door pharmacy for a year's prescription for only £20. I can sneak it at home, dad'll be none the wiser and i'll finally get the treatment i've wanted FOR YEARS. Yeah there'll be changes but yk they're not immediate and depending on the person it can take a whole year for any noticeable changes while to kick in. Only problem is, with the views in the UK right now on trans people and the fact they've already fucked trans women over with the 'trans women aren't women' bullshit passed, I have a feeling this shit will not be easy at all to get.

[micharedmc]

(FIC) Diary Entry: Day... fuckin whatever.

Wanted to write a diary entry in the POV of Lilium as a teen after a therapy session where they delved into Lily's experience back in Fortuna post-dmc4 but like still years before dmc5. Her therapist encouraged her to write these, especially after Sydney died, due to Lily's guilt and feeling like people hated her for it. Also cuz she felt she couldn't talk to anyone cuz of this. Also, unimportant lore- she had a demon therapist to make talkin bout her heritage and cause of suffering less awkward. don't ask lol. I'll call her Dr. Maeve and that's all. Content Warnings: Explicit language (she's angry so ofc) -Non-descriptive mentions of csa of (Lily is the only character I project this part of my own childhood onto, though hers is different obviously, but it helps me get out my pain by writing) -Descriptive mentions of torture (not too extreme but might be too much for some personally, so its okay if you don't wanna read)

I FUCKIN HATE FORTUNA. I HATE THOSE CULTISTS. I HATE NERO. I HATE MYSELF.

I never wanted to go back there, those pieces of shit could've rotted on that island and left me alone and I would have never gone back. But nooo 'our favourite torture victim was freed! We need her back, she'll be so much more fun to torture now as an adult and much more enduring!' FUCK YOU BASTARDS. As if it wasn't bad enough my dads go fuckin missing then nana Mio passed away and grandpa couldnt fuckin cope and killed himself. No, a bunch of cultists tracked my ass down and STOLE MY FUCKING WIFE FROM OUR HOME. I dunno how to cope. It's my fault they took her, they wanted ME. If she never befriended me back then, if she never fell in love with me and if I never fell in love with her, got so close to her, she'd be safe. I promised. I promised Jacqueline i'd bring her mom back, and I couldn't. Fuck, the moment I stepped foot on that batshit crazy cult home, I felt all the fear and memories i'd suppressed flood back. And I found Nero. What a mess. Angry, sprouting a demon arm, protective over Kyrie as he always had been. First thing he did was scream at me, because of course, how dare I step foot back on the island I was saved from and show my face to him! As if I had a fuckin choice??? I screamed back at him. Years of pent up rage just spat out of me. I told him to fuck off, I didn't wanna deal with his bullshit, told him he didn't know what I had to suffer before I was saved. He looked so confused when I said that. Told me he was told the reason I disappeared was because a 'nice couple came to adopt me and I told them he was so horrible I wanted them to take me away'. And he blindly believed them, the nuns who'd punished us for being different, he took their word seriously. I laughed at him, couldn't help it. Nearly sobbed as I told him he was an idiot and that why would I say that when I spent ages and ages as a kid begging for my big brother to include me in his life instead of letting the bullies and nuns manipulate him into pushing me away? That they'd treat him better if he'd stick with the 'normal people'? It wasn't his fault, we were tormented and I know he just wanted to feel normal cause I felt that way too. But he still let himself be influenced, pushed me away because Kyrie and Credo would make him 'normal'. We got separated and I found Sydney. Freed her and we got caught. Told her to get off the island and protect our family as they escorted her to her freedom and me, back to my ol' torture chamber. I remember being drugged, passing out. Waking up alone and sliced down the middle, seeing my own organs. I have a big scar now, just another to join the hundreds I bear already. Sydney and that guy Dante saved me. He left but Sydney hid me while I was still unconscious. Healed me best she could. I woke up to her dead with a bullet hole in her head. I told her to leave me, why couldnt she have just fucking LEFT? I don't care that I had to suffer! FUCK, as long as she and Jackie were safe, i'd gladly take all the pain they gave me back then again because IT WAS ME THEY FUCKIN WANTED!!!

I triggered for the first time, fully demon! and blacked out when I did so but when I came to again, I was covered in blood and dead cultists were around. I couldn't feel anything, there was this numbness in me. I got my clothes and gear back, carried Sydney's body to a lovely little area covered in roses, her favourite flowers. The sun shone down on her just like that day we had met in the church as kids. Fuck man, even in death she was beautiful. I settled her on a bench and called mom. Wendy. I don't deserve to call her mom anymore. I failed to save her only daughter. Nero saved the island from that giant 'saviour'. Good for him. Got to save his fucking girlfriend. I sound harsh mentioning her, I know, but I do love Kyrie. She was always really kind to me and i'm glad Nero has someone to love him. He still was an ass though. And he said somethin that REALLY fuckin pissed me off when he saw Sydney. I know he didn't mean it, he's mad at me, but he took it out on her. "Damn. Bitch must've been pretty desperate to settle for you, huh?"

Yeah that numb feeling fled pretty quick. Dr. Maeve grimaced when I told her he said that, so of course she was not surprised when I told her I went batshit and tossed him around like a rabid dog with a piece of meat. I triggered, bit him, scratched him, tore at his skin with all the fuckin rage I held. Because how fuckin dare him?! Insult MY FUCKING WIFE TO MY FACE, TO HER CORPSE, BECAUSE HE DOESNT LIKE ME? Dante tore me away from Nero before I could kill him, and I was still so blinded by rage I took it out on him. I de-triggered eventually, exhausted and wrecked. Dante was nice for some reason? gave me a note with a number and address for this 'Devil May Cry' place. Told me to come by sometime with a sympathetic look. I broke down. Cried in front of my brother, something I didn't wanna do cause well, he's a bastard. And I spilled everything to him as he healed, looking shocked still from me fighting him. I told him my tail sprouting in one day, like his arm, was what got me captured by the cult, taken from our room while he slept, taken by a Nun who screamed in the dark to the cultists that I was a devil coming to kill them all.

I told him about the men that touched me. I still have my virginity in the front yeah, but not in the back. Doesn't matter, Jacqueline lost hers (I will personally kill her father if that fucker ever shows up at my door for my kid) so I feel lucky in comparison. What a shitshow. I told him how disgusted they made me feel, that I hate not being able to be hugged by my in-law brothers and dads without feeling sick that a man was touching me in general. I told him about the experiments. Told him about how those cultist bastards would smile as they carved into my skin, told me that I was a monster who deserved my pain. Told him about them cutting off my left arm and leg and how they laughed at my screams of agony. Told him about the branding, oh the fucking JOY they held when they pressed that massive burning cross to my back. I didn't even realise as I spouted all of this that i'd walked closer until his face was right in front of mine. I traced the scars on my face as I told him how they'd sliced me there, given me 'half a smile' by slitting one side of my mouth up. It makes me feel bad to say it but I got a sick sense of enjoyment out of seeing Nero's face drop the more I told. I told him how I was starved, only given moldy bread and stale water IF, and that was a big if, the person watching over my cell felt even a smidge guilty for me because I was still just a kid. I told him how I would pray to Sparda every night to just kill me, to let me die, to get the pain over with, only to be met with more pain the next day. FOR TWO. FUCKING. YEARS. Nero looked especially pained when I told him how they promised to let me go if I traded HIM in for ME, and that i'd begged them NOT to hurt my big brother, anything but that. Because regardless of him abandoning me, he was my big bro, I loved him. And then I told him about how I was barely alive when I was saved, had to be hooked up to monitors and an IV and had to have multiple treatments to heal. Told him about the infections and fevers and having to get used to magic-infused metal prosthetics just so I could fucking walk and hold shit again. And of course, the therapies. When I was done, I was so tempted to hit my brother again. I had calmed somewhat. I pulled him over to sit by the bench Sydney was on so I could hold her again as I spoke of her. He couldn't look at her. Again, I know he was just angry and didn't mean to insult her, but he did and I can't forgive that. EVER. I told him about that week she and Wendy appeared before my imprisonment, how she was my first friend, how she stayed by me when I was recovering. How for years she built me up, proved to me I was loveable and not a monster, how she helped me get over the shame of what the cult taught us. How being in love with her and her loving me truly saved me. I regaled our marriage, her beauty and reassurances when I felt alone on that day. Told him about how we adopted our kid, how being a mama actually helped me cope with my own issues because Jackie? She is like me. Well, we had different experiences, but some parts are pretty similar to the point I saw myself in her, how I used to have traumatic responses same as her, how I still struggle to feel safe around men and having any physical contact with them like hugs.

Nero was speechless. Probably the most quiet he'd ever been around me. Kyrie found him and took him away when she saw the state of both of us. I'm kinda glad she did. After spilling all that and still dealing with Sydney dead in my arms, I needed some time alone before Wendy could come and portal me and Sydney out of that fuckin place. I know you're gonna read this when I show you this, Dr. Maeve, so let me say that I dunno how to deal with all this shit. Sydney's funeral is in a few days and I feel numb again. I can't look at anyone. I can't look Wendy in the eyes, or Orion or Jacqueline. I fuckin failed to save Sydney, the only one I had left. I feel like an imposter around her family and I can't fuckin speak to my dads because they're who knows where and my grandparents are dead. Who can even come back from this bullshit? How can I be a mom anymore when my kid just lost their other mom who I PROMISED TO BRING BACK? In our last session, you pointed out ive been harming myself again. I cant stop now, you get that? I deserve it for not saving my wife and you cant tell me otherwise. I hate myself. I want to disappear. I think I might ask Wendy to look after Jackie for a while. I need to get away before I rid my kid of another mom. I think I'm gonna check out Dante's note and see what he wants me to visit for.

This came out more 'AAA' (for a lack of better words) than I expected if i'm honest. Today's been a bad day mentally and as evidence has proven prior, I apparently am inspired best when suffering this way. To clarify something in my warnings that you may not care to know but inspires some of my writings for Lily to sort of... cope with what I went through? I was physically and emotionally abused as a kid from 4-11 by my older sister and also was SA'd by her. I have seen a psychiatrist about her abuse but only a select few people have ever been trusted enough to where I told them about the SA. Many people project onto their OCs the trauma they went through and I do too since I don't feel the professional help I got did much tbh. So unfortunately Lily gets the horrible experience slapped into her lore so I can write and heal in little ways that helped more than the psychiatrist. I will say I'm lucky to be free of my abuser though, even though the damage is done. I even got to have the last word against her when she tried reaching out and denying what she did. It's a lot to come out here and tell about this shit but it explains in a way why Lily was written like this. So yes this was descriptive, if you're reading this here, thanks for even giving my writing the time of day and i'm sorry if this was too much.

[micharedmc]

My dream last night was so confusing to me but it was just me dreaming of Lily like sloppy making out with Nero and her getting fucked by him in a locker room(? dunno why) while Vergil and Dante were on the otherside fucking too but omg yall it felt so real Crying cuz it was Lily but like... I woke up feeling like I had been making out with someone ;-;

Also the most sexual a dream has gotten in a long while. Also idk why it's important but Vergil was the bottom in his tryst LMAO

[micharedmc]

Been off for days but just found out Dutch engineers have apparently redesigned the speculum to be more comfortable for women during gynecological appointments and yk what they called it? Lilium, named and designed after a lily. Made of soft plastic like some tampon applicators

LILIUM GIRL COME LOOK AT THIS ACHIEVEMENT FOR THE GIRLIRES YOU SHARE A NAME WITH

[micharedmc]

Sometimes I think about changing dmc lore for Lily cuz I genuinely feel so bad that Sydney is gone. Like Lily didn't technically have to go through the trauma of losing Sydney to get her first trigger, considering her parents and grandparents are already gone in different ways that were traumatic enough and plus Nero didn't have to lose no one in dmc5 to trigger

[micharedmc]

Ughhh cant be bothered for today Dad told me to wake up at 8, wake him up at 8 so we can have some time to get ready cuz he wants to meet friends and he didn't even bother getting up when I woke him and its like ughhhh I got NO sleep for some reason as well so my happy agreement to free breakfast and a walk around the city today looks no longer like a 'YAY!' ad more like a 'ugh it's HIS friends, I can't say no now, why tf did I agree' Like tbf I DID grow up with those bastards but they're not entirely tolerable.

[micharedmc]

this is a message for everyone who is 22. if you’re 22 please stop worrying. take a deep breath eat a bagel maybe. everything that feels impossible is going to work itself out. have a great day

[micharedmc]

Beautiful transgirl Molly. That's it. Just imagine. I talked bout dickgirl Ivory in the past now you get to think bout Trans Mollly, thank you.

[micharedmc]

PROS: NO SPIDER BABIES IN MY ROOM CONS: BAD FUCKING TEXTURE, I FEEL GROSS, WASHING MY HANDS CANT ERASE THE MEMORY, THIS MEANS I HAVE TO CLOSE MY WINDOW BUT ITS SUMMER AND TOO HOT TO DO SO

SCREAMING I JUSTG CRUSHED A SPIDER EGG ON ACCIDENT. ALL BABIES DEAD BUT AAAA THE HORRIBLE SOUND, THE FEELING OF MY FINGER ACCIDRNTALL CRUSHING IT, IT WAS UNDER MY ART TABLE, ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS MOVE IT CUZ I BUMPED IT TOO FAR ON ACCIENRT UHADBJ

[micharedmc]

SCREAMING I JUSTG CRUSHED A SMALL SPIDER EGG SAC ON ACCIDENT. ALL BABIES DEAD BUT AAAA THE HORRIBLE SOUND, THE FEELING OF MY FINGER ACCIDRNTALL CRUSHING IT, IT WAS UNDER MY ART TABLE, ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS MOVE IT CUZ I BUMPED IT TOO FAR ON ACCIENRT UHADBJ

[micharedmc]

Silent Hill Cult= 'The Order' Devil May Cry Sparda Cult= 'The Order of the Sword' also just referred to as 'The Order'

Ik they have no real connection but i'm watching shit on Silent Hill cuz I haven't played the games, just seen the Live Actions and I wanna educate myself yk? Get into the fandom properly But seeing those two and SH's cult symbol lookin kinda like a depiction of Mundus (the three circles like his three eyes) just givin me some real ooo vibes Sending Lily to Silent Hill would be more torment she doesn't deserve bu omg the creatures and manifestations of the horrors she's experienced coming to haunt her? Already imagining events happening and being shown, like the torture she experienced as a kid and its making her relive it, the guilt and overthinking over her parents and guilt over her wife manifesting these twisted creatures that would for sure make her weep like babe dw I won't actually do that to you girl but the ideaaa? Maybe one of the 'monsters' is a twisted version of her from her fear of what she is, what she fears she might become

[micharedmc]

if tumblr shuts down you can find me on tumblr. ill still be here. they cant make me leave

[micharedmc]

Yall be nice to your γιαγιά Molly I was making a Lily look with this picrew then after switched to Molly and the white hair made me think of her like as a grandmama so here

She's gonna make yall cookies 🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪

[micharedmc]

Well sounds like someone's on the run near here, this helicopter has come and gone like 6 times and sounds like its coming back again Also bless, my dad got food poisoning yesterday and slept almost the whole day (still is now). Can't do much but ensure he gets that rest and plenty of water cuz he can't eat nothing atm

[micharedmc]

The way I dropped watching a youtube vid cuz my fave drummer youtuber live just dropped cuz it says he's gonna play bury the light and I need my Vergil intake

[micharedmc]

What "Land Back" means:

In my tribe we believe medicine belongs to everyone and I want you to be well.

In my tribe we believe every hungry person is entitled to food and I want you to be fed.

In my tribe we believe trans and two spirit people are sacred and I want you to be safe.

In my tribe we believe that human beings are here to care for the land and keep it healthy and I want you to have clean water to drink.

In my tribe we believe in caring for and venerating elders and I want care for you as you grow old.

In my tribe we believe that children should be cared for by the community and I want your children to grow up loved and supported.

In my tribe we wear really cool earrings and you should totally buy some. Eeeeeeeee

Land Back isn't about revenge. It's an act of love.

[micharedmc]

Piece of fluff just came outta nowhere fast and I thought it was a spider and nearly screamed cuz I woke up 2 days ago and a big spider was running for my face. Thank god it was just fluff cuz fr spiders running at my face is terrifying