michaelsshelfspace - Tumblr blog

[michaelsshelfspace]

a year of 2022 memories

This year was so, so different than what I expected. New experiences + old friends mixed in ways that blew my expectations clean away. A few of my favorite standout memories:

- walking around my quiet neighborhood at sunset with a new hat + the tranquility of being with God - wandering around Saint Ignatius admiring the art even if they didn’t have descriptions - writing at Cinderella so, so much - hosting Liz at my place, grabbing vegan burgers, kvas, and writing - grabbing the first dance with Yeri at Cody & Aileen’s wedding - reading in a Starbucks with Michelle at SK while everyone else passed by - writing with Tina & Liz at a random cafe in Snohomish surrounded by college kids - reading Murakami’s latest book + watching the sunset on Caltrain - exploring our SV campus with Yeri looking for to-go cups - eating a pickle corndog while exploring our first night in Halloween Downtown Disney - laughing forever while playing Mario Party in our hotel - getting hot-dogs while trick or treating in Menlo Park - Cuban coffee during the hot humidity at a random cafe in Miami - laughing + driving in Autopia with Yeri through the rain

[michaelsshelfspace]

life update

So I have someone new in my life, and the entire situation has been a string of circumstances so disparate and so aligned that they can’t help but shout God.

I wrote previously about God’s hand in placing me at my current apartment. That was exactly three months ago. A few short weeks later, a good friend from Seattle just happened to fly down and spend the week at my place while at a work conference. That week was so restorative and memorable and fun, but it ended with her convincing me to stop waffling and simply ask out the person I wanted to ask out. I knew it was a fraught endeavor, but I hadn’t been able to find closure. I did, and it was. And in the ensuing sadness I could distinctly hear God’s promise: I liked this girl more than any previous crush; the girl I end up with I’ll like even more. I wrote this down for later.

That was what I needed to take dating apps more seriously. It took time, but God orchestrated my first date. It was okay. But it was the practice I needed for what came next. Around the same time, Amy convinced me to attend one of our church’s Community Nights. I was on the fence but I just happened to need to buy a friend’s birthday present that same night, so I went. The talk was better than I could’ve imagined, and it was a bonding point with the next person I’d started talking to. We scheduled a date after our next church service and hit it off from there.

This girl blows away all my categories. We talk as if we’re old highschool friends fresh from a Disneyland vacation. She’s so sweet and lovely and kind, and I want to nurture what we’ve made in a way so different from what I thought I knew. God’s guiding hand has been crystalline these last few months. And while its still early in our relationship, I have a good feeling about what could come next.

[michaelsshelfspace]

Been spending the last few days working through grief and I keep returning to why is this so uncomfortable this time. Grief is (or should be) familiar. But today, while walking home after being with a some friends, I realized that there’s something unique about relational grief. Its inherently inconsolable because you’re grieving the very connection that could’ve consoled you. You’re unable to fill the desire for being known, and thereby process it, so the sting is twice as strong. Its a paradox of wanting to move forward without letting go of what’s already gone. The ambivalence is the discomfort, I think.

[michaelsshelfspace]

the day after

Hard to describe today except that, the day after. The feelings of accomplishment and grief, back-to-back. Long, long runs followed by warm pastries. Some midnight details to reminisce, the brisk wind, yellow streetlights, retro porches, heartfelt conversations in person and text. Ambush babysitting? Hope that feels unfounded... and yet. Like a small boat in a wide ocean, directionless and without wind. It couldn’t have happened except the way that it happened. Tennis and the mystery of language. And wondering and wishing and praying for what if’s.

[michaelsshelfspace]

Monday @ 6:33pm

Brief post to say the new Kirby game is SO good. And after a short run through the park and walk through the campus, I’m finally feeling more at home in this apartment. The first two days were mired in sadness and despair, but I think I’m on the other end of it. Not just existing, but something akin to investing. I have 90 days to start new hobbies, meet people, see ballets, and somehow perform my job with the new addition of an office. Let’s see how it goes.

[michaelsshelfspace]

On my mind

It’s like a man going away: He leaves his house and puts his servants in charge, each with their assigned task, and tells the one at the door to keep watch. “Therefore keep watch because you do not know when the owner of the house will come back—whether in the evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or at dawn. If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping. What I say to you, I say to everyone: ‘Watch!’”

Feeling a lot of things, all at once, lately. But what I’ve been thinking about most is that our minds are very similar to a garden. The soil you use, the weeds you uproot, it all takes a lot of care and intentionality. And the feeling of certainty/assuredness/shalom isn’t something that should be taken lightly. When things are going well, its even more important to take stock and till the land, to set up a watch, because the garden can be easily trampled by animals.

The analogy can extend in so many ways. The type of water you use and where you water, the gardening tools, the fertilizer, and what you do with the crop. I think I often am not careful with my mind. I allow pests to enter, from the media I watch to profiles I follow. Like being assigned guard duty and falling asleep.

And I have just under three weeks until I move to a new place, once again.

If I had one goal for my remaining time here, it would be to steward this time well. I’ve spent exactly two years (to the day) in this season and it has been hard. But also nourishing in more ways that I could have thought possible. I think my family and I really grew well in this time, and for that I’m abundantly thankful. The systems we created will hopefully benefit us for years to come.

Up next, I’m really not sure. I hope to reconnect with old friends and make new ones. I want to be more mature, hold myself to a higher standard. I want to trust myself and my God more, and continue to give life rather than take it. It’s kind of scary, but that’s probably a good thing. Growth always is.

[michaelsshelfspace]

Small start

I started the year with keeping a small, physical journal of interesting things I notice every few days, and its been nice. Some favorites: making a bittermelon omelet, matching a new hat with a good outfit, and playing a fun videogame that reminded me of my college club. I actually realize they're all unintentionally part of a larger theme: to slow down, have small goals, and enjoy the details.

Another motif I’ve noticed, lately, is that I’ve also been more worried about more things than I was in the past. Little, inconsequential fears that I never had before, like finding the right furniture, are cropping up more often. And I think they are a symptom of last year’s trauma. I haven’t had a chance to process it yet because I haven’t been able to have long conversations with friends. Once I move to the city, I’m hoping I’ll have that chance.

On a third and equally different note, the apartment I secured certainly seems blessed by God. The whole situation, from finding it Friday, touring it Saturday, applying Sunday, and getting approved Monday was so simple that divine blessing can be the only explanation. And if I have God on my side, really, what do I have to worry about?

[michaelsshelfspace]

Flash Forward

This last year was really, really hard. So much of it was draining and consuming, as if I were spinning in place, not moving forward or back, or anywhere, really. There were times when I felt the lowest lows of any year in recent memory. I couldn’t even move for lack of energy. But, after thinking it through some more, with the help of some crisp December air, I don’t think it was all bad.

It was this year that I found some of my favorite games--Torna, Genshin, & Trails in the Sky. I started and finished rewriting my novel. I helped my parents get closer to God, read the bible end to end, and, I think, became a more solid person, too. Looking over my pre-pandemic posts, I was so desperate and frantic. This year was when I slowed down and finally, finally let go of some one-sided relationships.

Then there’s next year.

What I want, most of all, is the wisdom to know when to act and when to be still. There’s a lot on the horizon: renting apartments, reconnecting with friends, fitness classes and volunteering? And I think I’m approaching a full amount of time here at home, ready and willing for the next season. I’ve been thinking about mortality a lot, of myself and of others, and I think I’ll look back on these last two years fondly.

I don’t think I would’ve have wanted to know how this year would turn out going into it. But that might be the exception. For 2022, I’m hopeful (hopeful? hopeful.) for what’s in store. We’ll see if, a year from now, I feel the same.

[michaelsshelfspace]

memories from a soft 2021

While this year wasn’t as loud as other years, I think there were still some beautiful moments with friends. A short list of my favorite memories from this time:

- hard struggling while playing Genshin co-op with Kevin over zoom

- reading Murakami’s latest book under my backyard’s warm sunlight

- drinking my first cappuccino in over a year after bouldering

- falling asleep in multiple friends’ apartments, listening to the city’s staccato sounds

- Wayne ferrying me & Tina to the mall while we talked about our first driving experiences

- tranquil lunch in the Monterey bay aquarium

- touring newly built houses, imagining if I’d buy a place, and grabbing Whole Foods pizza

- writing in Tina’s tiny temp apartment with Liz, Mark, and freshly brewed black tea

- 2am bathroom adventures with friends under the moonlight while discussing ghosts and camping

- baking Molly’s hobbit pies & reading LotR for the first time

[michaelsshelfspace]

Specific feelings from today

- warm blanket of fog while barting into the city - walking through mist from west portal with kids leaving school - first taste of boba in who knows how long - old couples dancing to old musicians in the park with a sense of yes this is what it means to be human - serendipitously running into three different people - talking kdramas and cycling anime while demonstrating stretching routines over a very loud and fulfilling dinner - tranquil cleaning with an unintended friend to close the day - scandanavian breakfasts with orange morning light

[michaelsshelfspace]

new life

Something I’ve been stewing in and turning over in my mind these last few months is this: that I’d like to move back to the city in January. But I don’t think I truly felt this in the depths of my being until today. It was so unexpected and eye-opening: seeing a friend’s pregnancy reveal and the joyousness and excitement that came with it.

It’s so easy to forget the things you do not see, easier still to focus on what’s at hand. But, man, getting thrown into the memories and emotions of so many long-unseen faces felt like a hit to the gut. With it were thoughts of my cousin and how prescribed his life has been, making me recoil at my own unintended similarities.

There’s a touch of sadness there, too, at seeing some other, unrelated memories in a new light. But again, that’s out of my control.

If anything, this last year I’ve engaged with so many great stories on relational fulfillment, especially this. I hope this last year point five has been restorative, in a way, so I can start things anew. Here’s hoping.

[michaelsshelfspace]

30

Writing this in my tent at the end of a day filled with fish sandwiches, dog walks, bacon grilling, and good conversations. It's hard to imagine that this is how I'd be spending my birthday this year when the possiblity of even seeing friends was so uncertain. But I'm feeling very happy and fulfilled.

We're camping somewhere near bodega bay right now, at a campsite so far from civilization that it feels like it's own separate world. Five people are with me, including one person who feels so good to see again. And I'd describe the feeling as an almost intimate return, where the old is rekindled and the new is unblazed. There's so much to discover and I've found myself unable to find the questions to ask. But it's okay, too. Relationships aren't a sprint, and the track is part of the whole experience anyways.

Looking at this next year, I think my wish would be for it to be exactly like this day. I'd like to seek intimacy, be with friends, and give my whole self to the here and now. And the now happens to be 11:51pm, so perhaps I'll get some sleep.

[michaelsshelfspace]

This year (so far)

Looking back through the lens of this year (so far), I’ve noticed that there’s only been a handful of times when I’ve felt unencumbered and unworried, when I’ve felt free from stress. Its been just a seemingly evergreen patch of concern and fear and doubt these last nine months. And I’m really tired.

I’m sitting in the soft silence at the end of another tiring workday, thinking through my various physical injuries from the past few weeks, plus the potential need for more dental work. It feels like, just when I thought I was out of the woods, another uncertainty arises. And it makes me miss the time when my concerns were more meta, less physical, when the extent of my thoughts amounted to what picture to post or coat to wear. Its been a tough, tough year.

I’m looking forward to when I can wear big, fluffy sweaters, drink hot chocolate, and simply exist. I’d love to walk another mile through the city during an autumn evening, listening to random conversations without a clear destination. I miss the smell of bonfires and fog and the warmth of good friends, the early morning gym sessions and the late night movies.

Perhaps someday soon.

[michaelsshelfspace]

For another time

Despite trying to figure out my living situation over the last three (four? six?) months, I feel no closer to an answer. I’ve gone through the circles and circles and am still so in the dark. About fifty days ago now, I began a period of intentional waiting on God in this decision, so I thought I’d say a bit more about the decisions and where I’m at (to return to later):

On one hand, I could move to Dublin, where a few of my friends are now living. I could buy a house (and get into debt) and bart into the city a couple times a week for work. It would be close to my parents and provide space for my cat, and I feel like it would be a great next life step. But I also worry that I’d feel alone and that I shouldn’t move there if my intention is still to work and have a social life in the city.

Another option would be to move in with two other friends and get a large, expansive place. I’d pay low rent and have a lot of room, and I’d be with people I’ve never lived with before, but I worry that our three lifestyles are so different that I’d be constantly concerned and unhappy. Their schedule is also much more accelerated than mine.

Finally, I could move into the Sunset, near two other friends. It’d be a smaller place, more expensive, but I’d be near people who I think could best steward me in my relationship to God. And this is where I am right now: making a choice to what (I think) would get me closest to God seems like the best decision. But I worry about the others that I’d affect, like my cat and parents.

So so so much uncertainty. I hope that I can come back to this in the future with the clarity of knowing which decision was the best.

[michaelsshelfspace]

Celebrating Black Transness in the Bible

When Ebed-melech the Ethiopian, a eunuch who was in the king's house, heard that they had put Jeremiah into the cistern—the king was sitting in the Benjamin Gate—Ebed-melech went from the king's house and said to the king, “My lord the king, these men have done evil in all that they did to Jeremiah the prophet by casting him into the cistern, and he will die there of hunger, for there is no bread left in the city.” Then the king commanded Ebed-melech the Ethiopian, “Take thirty men with you from here, and lift Jeremiah the prophet out of the cistern before he dies.” So Ebed-melech took the men with him and went to the house of the king, to a wardrobe in the storehouse, and took from there old rags and worn-out clothes, which he let down to Jeremiah in the cistern by ropes. Then Ebed-melech the Ethiopian said to Jeremiah, “Put the rags and clothes between your armpits and the ropes.” Jeremiah did so. Then they drew Jeremiah up with ropes and lifted him out of the cistern. And Jeremiah remained in the court of the guard. (Jeremiah 38:7-13)

Just wanted write down some thoughts of a story I really love, especially as its about this Black trans man Ebed-melech.

What strikes me most is how favorably this character is written. He’s a man of courage, approaching King Zedekiah and arguing Jeremiah’s case. He’s a man of authority, leading thirty men on the rescue mission. And he’s a man of wisdom, creating a plan to use the ropes and then instructing Jeremiah in how to safely escape with them. Plus, he appears right in a time of utter discord in Judah, just as its about to fall to Babylon because of its godlessness.

Honestly, Ebed-melech is one of the most Jesus-like figures in all of pre-exile Israel. And I love that he’s both Black and gender-nonconforming (i.e. a type of transness). We even get this awesome glimpse of God’s approval, as well. In the next chapter, God himself says that he will save Ebed-melech because of his trust.

Really enjoy stories like these, especially as a message of hope for gender-nonconforming folks compared to how Christians treat each other today.

[michaelsshelfspace]

heat-wave

Something I’ve realized recently: one key to inner peace is living as simply as you can. Try not to take up space. Focus on one task at a time. Listen to music without thinking of anything. And make decisions knowing God is in control. Part of this, too, I think, is being unhurried. But slowness is the result, not the focus. You can’t slow a frantic life. It’s the pieces, not the glue.

[michaelsshelfspace]

Newly returned from twenty-four hours in SF and feeling nourished in the depths of my soul. It was a nice trip. And I’m surprised at how each moment seemed placed in such a way that it rebounded and multiplied with the others, so much so that its hard not to see God’s hand in all of it.

It began with a windy, sunset-y train platform. It was the first liminal moment I’ve had in, what, months? And I think it set the tone for what was to come. Cut to me arriving at my friend’s warm, sunlit apartment with a phone detox at the door. After setting my bag down, I was suddenly at a loss for what to do. So I journaled. And I drew. And it slowly started to unwind my bound-up soul.

We walked to her restaurant and spent three hours eating and discussing life. What struck me most was her staff, all of whom were so personable and kind, and genuinely enjoyed what they were doing. During our dinner, she helped me realize a few things. One, I should finish what God called me to start while at home with my parents, building in more silence and solitude to water my soul. Two, waiting should be done intentionally with God to seek his direction. Three, I should start seeing friends again. And finally, importantly, I should prioritize my relationship with God over helping others’ burdens, especially if its causing me pain. Once we got back and called it a night, I stayed awake for a while, watching the city lights, hearing the city sounds, being in a room that wasn’t my own, and thinking of everything.

The next morning, I woke up early and journaled in their kitchen. All four of us (once one had returned from the gym, one had finished a meeting, and one had walked) had such great conversations about the mundane and the spiritual. Each person had different insight, and it felt like some essence of true communication was with us over the smell of coffee and scrambled eggs.

I left feeling full, and walked over to the cafe where one other friend and I had decided to meet. This person, too, was something I wanted to meeting intentionally, as she’s one person who I knew I could have truly deep talks with. And as it turns out, that morning (the one we’d set weeks ago) had been the only day she could’ve met, being between roles at her company, taking the day off, having her parents there but having the morning free. It felt serendipitous, another nod from above.

And it was so, so good to see her. She was so full of life and energy, despite having a one-year-old newborn. We connected as if time hadn’t passed and talked about everything--recent sermons, job hunts, product management, gay acceptance, books. She’d even recently taken a job at the same company as the roommate I’d met that morning. Talk about coincidence after coincidence.

I think I needed this trip more than anything. These last few months have been a downward spiral. And I feel like I’ve been ricocheted. A new direction is out there. And in all these small moments, it certainly feels like God was present.