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mhicaella13-blog · 4 years ago

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As soon as she opened the door, Althea immediately saw her friend sitting on a single sofa- embracing her legs, head was resting on her knee- beside the window, staring blankly outside as if she was either looking or searching for something for a very long time already. She was too focused on what she was doing that seems to be the reason of her being oblivious around. Or maybe, she already sensed her yet, just chose to ignore her presence. This girl used to be a bubbly person, the exact opposite of what she was seeing right now. Before, every time she would enter her room, her friend would greet her with a very big, bright smile on her face. But now… she sighed from her own thoughts.

She felt something on her throat that caused the tears she had been keeping all by herself to suddenly came out this time, yet, Althea silently wiped all of those. This was not about her. She had to be strong and set her feelings aside- her own grief to be exact- because someone seemed to need her. Her best friend badly needed her.

Althea was about to call her when slowly, her friend glanced at her side, tried to smile to acknowledge her presence but, failed to do so. In the end, she just turned her back on her and looked back outside the window once again. That only happened for a matter of seconds but for Althea, it did felt like it took for an hour.

“Hera…”, she said.

But she got no response. Althea slowly walked towards the bed, sat across that sofa, and stared intently at her. She was analyzing things on how it should ought to be. There were so many rehearsed words she wanted to say, but none of it came out. She did not know how to start. Or even when to start. There was an ongoing battle between her mind and heart for her to speak or not but- in the end- she decided to choose the latter.

Silence almost ate her up when someone broke the silence caused her to startle.

“Where do you think is he now?” Althea said. She paused for a second and continued. “Do you think he’s somewhat happy already by now?”

For her, the mere fact that Hera had just talked to her was a little bit accomplishment on her part. According to her family, it had been months since Hera shut herself from the rest of the world. She did not want to talk to anybody, even to her parents. But instead of answering her questions, all she could say was that,

“Have you eaten up already?”

She mentally slapped her head and screamed on her mind. It was already her chance to talk to her yet she ruined it, by simply asking that stupid question.

She was about to speak again and grab that opportunity back when she noticed something from Hera’s left cheek which was the only side she could saw from her seat. Althea saw how those tears fell down on her reddening cheeks. She was moved by how Hera was trying to control those emotions that was ready to be blown away any minute. She wanted to say those comforting words she knew but she did not even know where to begin with. From what she was seeing, she could not help but to let her tears came out again, just like the way it used to do since that day. The day when she, together with her friend, received that heartbreaking news.

“Stop pretending that you’re okay…”, her friend said bluntly. “I know that you know that we’re both not okay so…” Hera looked at her suspiciously, “What brought you here?”

She sighed. Hera was obviously shutting herself again from other people who wanted to be with her. To grief with her. Of course, she knew all along that her friend had been silently crying and praying for something and someone to come back. But they also both know that that was too impossible to happen already. It was quite saddening that because of what had happened, their lives changed. Because of someone’s sudden death, everything had changed.

“Hera, I know how hard it is for you to accept the fact that he is gone now but…” she looked up in order for her tears not to fall once more, “You have to let it go, it’s time for you now to let him go-”

“If that’s only what you came for, you better go.” Hera interrupted. “I don’t need you here.”

Althea wiped her tears, again. “Everyone is worried about you. You neither eat nor go out of this room. You even don’t want your mom to stay here beside you.” She had said it as calm as she could for Althea did not wanted to sound like she was pushing Hera to do something she did not want to. “Do you think he would be happy seeing you like this? Is this something he could be proud of? Hera, please, do not live your life like this. You have to move on…”

She met her piercing, glistening eyes. “Aah… You’re here because of what they have told you. If you are here just to lecture me- just like what others did every time they would enter here- on how I should live my life after what I did, then…” she put her feet down on the floor and stand. “You really need to go.”

“Hera- “

“Just go.” Her friend was about to go to the comfort room inside her room to probably locked herself up when she grabbed her arm caused her to stopped and almost stumbled. “Just fuck off, will you?”

“Then what? Leave you just like what Zach did?!” she shouted that made her friend stay still and gaze fell on her feet. Althea knew that what she had said was off the line but that was only her last resort to finally got her attention and knocked some senses on her. “Until when you wanted to be like this? Is this really what you want for the rest of your life? To look wasted all the time? Everybody is so damn worried about you, you know!”

Because of the intensity happening between them, she almost did not notice that her grip on her arm tightened. “You’re already hurting me, Althea. Let me go.”, her friend said, trying to pull her arm away. Trying to be firmer this time.

Althea laughed sarcastically, “Now you know…”, her eyes staring on her friend’s very messy hair fell down on her clenched left fist. “Now you know what it feels like not to be set free by someone who does not want to let go…Now you know what probably would Zach feel because of what you are doing to yourself. For Pete’ s sake, haven’t you look yourself on the mirror for quite some time?!”

“Stop this, will you?”

“No… I will never ever stop not until you finally realized that you are just wasting your time on either sitting or lying down here on your bed or sofa and not doing anything except for endlessly crying and hopelessly praying for someone to be back!” she could hold back her feelings anymore. “You are just prolonging your miseries, that’s why. Get a hold of yourself. Go and get back all of your senses for there is still a bright future ahead of you, waiting for you.”

Hera raised her head and meet her eyes. “Don’t talk as if you totally knew what I feel just because we share the same thing.”, she said and bit her lower lip.

She could not utter a word. Not because she did not know on how to respond on what Hera had just said but because right after she looked through her eyes and heard those words, she saw nothing but an endless emptiness on her.

“How could you say those things, huh? Why does you sounded like you’re just mocking my own feelings?”, her friend said. A tear escaped on her cheek. “Do you think I am liking this? Do you think I want to be like this forever? You are wrong because no, I don’t want to be like this…I don’t like to stay like this forever either…” her face soften as she continued,” It’s just that… every time I will try to open that goddamn door and go back to life that I once had as if nothing happened, my knees starts to shake. My conscience is bugging me to death. I am being drowned by my so many what if’s. And, all I could do is to think of him…

“Zach’s face pleading to accept him still. Asking me to give him the chance for us to start all over again. A chance that if I only give that day, it could have probably spared his life from death. It could have spared all of us to from feel these griefs and agonies. It could have spared me from the loneliness and emptiness which I am feeling. That, if I only gave him that very chance for us to bring back things the way it used to be, I could have had a happy ending…”

Hera’s right hand got her hand gripped from her own shoulder and held it firmly, as if her life depended on it.

“Do you think he already forgave me? I mean…Could he even forgive me for saying those words that hurt him big time? Would he ever forgive me for hurting him the way he hurt me just to get even? Is there any possibility for all of those questions to be answer-now he’s gone, permanently..?”

Accepting someone’s death had never been an easy thing and all they could do was to cry to somehow ease the pain it had caused. It had been months since Zach died because of a car accident. His car fell from a cliff and his body was burned out because of its explosion. It was indeed a tragic ending but what made it more tragic for Hera was that, she was blaming herself for her boyfriend’s death, who happened to be Althea’s twin brother.

It was too painful to bear. Too painful that being angry at her and blame her friend because of what happened was the only thing crossed on her mind that time. Actually, it was the first time they saw each other again after Zach’s burial a few months back. And she was so guilty because of that. After she got back her senses and realized that his sudden death should be blame to no one, together with help she got from her family and other friends, it somehow helped her to move on….

She let go of her hand from her very first friend who taught her before on how to be strong, and instead, hugged her tight as she could, closer than she should be. Althea did it because she realized one thing.

Hera does not need those rehearsed words she had had a couple of minutes before she opened the door a while ago. She does not need any of those used to say words every time someone dies. She does not need any lectures neither as for how she should cope up nor as for why she should move on. She does not need someone else’s pity and most especially, she does not need to be blame for someone’s twin brother’s death. She does not need all of those things for what she needed was someone who would and could stay beside her no matter what happens.

A person who would still be there to listen no matter how many times she or he was being shouted or ignored. Someone who could still pat her head just to assure that nobody was blaming her for what had happened despite of being shoved away several times. A person who would be ready to become a soldier just to pass through her and break her high and thick walls just to offer his or her shoulders to cry on. Someone who would also be willing to embrace what she was feeling.

Someone who would and could hugged her so tightly- like what she was finally doing…

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