messyheadspacemusings

[messyheadspacemusings]

I both almost remember writing this and also feel like someone was mocking how upset I was.

There's too many people around here already. I really don't need a persecutor showing up. Like, come on. What, Kiyo got tired of it being eir job?

How strange. It seems almost human. It speaks words, it cries, it seeks affection- but its attempts to communicate are nonsense, it cries oddly, and snarls when hurt. Clearly it only mimics human behavior.

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How am I supposed to come to terms with the fact that I’m basically going to lose my kid? And I can’t do anything about it?

I don’t have much. I have our partner, I have my job, and I have our kid. Losing him that much....

I’m barely holding on and I just - don’t know how to hold on through losing him. But it’s going to happen and I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep going through it. The only thing I see happening with this is so, so much pain.

[messyheadspacemusings]

How strange. It seems almost human. It speaks words, it cries, it seeks affection- but its attempts to communicate are nonsense, it cries oddly, and snarls when hurt. Clearly it only mimics human behavior.

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I can’t do it before the wedding. It’s too close. I can behave and be good for a month. It’ll give me time to plan.

All of the steam has gone out of me and I just want to sleep.

I’m afraid I won’t ever go through with it, even though I know I should.

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he came home so sweet and soft - which makes this harder. Makes me feel that maybe I’m doing more harm by planning this.... but I have to remember that this is about him. It’s for him. And for our kid. It’s not revenge that he hurt my feelings - so the fact that he’s being nice just means I need to do it even more.

I’m trying to eat some dinner, but it’s hard to feel like I deserve it. Thinking of it as a last meal got me through ordering it but it’s not helping much with eating. Probably because my resolve is wavering so much. Of all things, realizing he’ll have a hard time for a while enjoying the new Marvel stuff coming out is making it hard - but that’s just temporary. I’m trying to make the rest of his life better.

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I can’t tell if I’ve gone numb because I’ve accepted what I’m going to do or because subconsciously I’ve decided I won’t. But I have to.

I don’t know how yet... I want to make sure I die, not just end up in the hospital. It’s harder than it should be.

I’m just so tired.

I know I can’t just try to leave him. I’m not strong enough. I don’t think he’d chase after me like he has the others. But I know I’d come crawling back.

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I got a little more done. But there’s still so much to do.

I can’t eat. I don’t need to. I don’t deserve to. I know it’d help me keep moving but I can’t make myself.

Maybe I’d be a better person if I ate less.

I shouldn’t worry about anyone else. Internally. There’s no one there. I’ve been faking it all along. I just wanted the attention. Everyone has different moods. That’s all it ever was. Just me in a different mood. That’s why I deserve all this. That’s how toxic I am.

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I think what really makes it clear that this is the only way is that I thought I was doing better. That I was being encouraging and supportive and loving. But if he’s so afraid to talk to me, if he can’t even cry around me, I’ve been deluding myself. That’s why I have to stop myself. Stop all of this.

I don’t know if I should do any letters. I think it really does have to be considered an accident. I want them to get as much as possible.

I hope there isn’t an afterlife or any kind of reincarnation. I need to just end. All of us do. I want to hope that Dragoloth really could be.... but we don’t deserve to be there.

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I need to finish. There’s so much left to do. I need to get something ready for work too. I feel a little bad about that... but she’ll be better off too. I’m honestly useless. I just have everyone fooled into thinking I’m useful. I mess up, I forget things, I miss deadlines. I know she’ll be able to find someone better.

I don’t know how to make myself keep working. I just want to sleep. But I need to finish. I want him to at least feel like I did some small thing for him, in the end. If I can make it look like an accident tonight... maybe he’ll remember me as fondly as he does his other abusers. I shouldn’t want that but... selfishly I hope he thinks of me. Or at least someone does. I worry about everyone... but with how toxic I am to Cy, it hurts all of them too. They’ll be better off.

Part of me feels guilty- most of this headspace deserves better, but they share my brain so they’re toxic too. I’m just the worst. But I know we’re all manipulative and abusive in some way. So... we have to be stopped. And some of us just hurt so much all the time that it’ll be a relief.

It’s hard. But I know I’m planning the right thing.

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It’s time and everyone in my life will be better off without me. Cy can finally be happy. Our kid will be happier. My parents even will probably be relieved. It’ll hurt for people but they’ll be better off for it. Michael is still young enough he probably won’t remember me forever or it’ll just be a faint memory of someone who was always yelling at him or telling him off. That’s all I do. That’s all I am. Everyone is afraid of me.

I can’t be trusted. I have part of my brain that feels like my hurt is justified but everyone who’s abusive feels that way. So I can’t trust my own feelings. And I don’t think I can get better. I’ve tried. And I keep becoming this. Or I guess I always am this and people just get fed up with it.

I thought it was Cy going through cycles of depression and stuff where he was bored with me and chasing serotonin but that we were ok... but now I realize he just reaches a point where he’s tired of me and overwhelmed by the abuse and he tries to get away. I just didn’t realize how bad it was. Didn’t realize how bad I am. Or I have before but I’ve tried to justify it. But after this long of the same stuff, I can’t do it anymore. Thyra said it. Aleksis said it. Hell, friends before have said similar things. So it’s time to face the truth.

I don’t really know what to do. If I wait too long, I’ll lose this clarity and just keep being awful. But I can’t do anything while I’m home alone with Michael. And I need to not hurt anyone with however it happens - and maybe make it look enough like an accident Cy gets the life insurance. Maybe even hope he believes it was.

I’m going to try to finish cleaning the house so at least Cy doesn’t have that to worry about... and then maybe tonight...

They really will be better off. I have to keep remembering that. I’m bad for everyone around me and I have to fix that. There’s only one way.

[messyheadspacemusings]

fuck

reading over some of our old posts was a bad idea

already in a shit mood and feeling shit this was awful

im an idiot

[messyheadspacemusings]

“Unhealthy families discourage individual expression. Everyone must conform to the thoughts and actions of the toxic parents. They promote fusion, a blurring of personal boundaries, a welding together of family members. On an unconscious level, it is hard for family members to know where one ends and another begins. In their efforts to be close, they often suffocate one another’s individuality.”

— Susan Forward, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

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how can i feel so fucking lonely when my dad is right there like yea i havent seen my bf in a while and like we barely do anything even though that was the whole idea of this weekend was to do shit together

but its still fucking dumb and i need to get over it an clean

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erica: Do you wanna hear a chemistry joke?

stiles:

erica: -is that a no?

stiles: I'm sorry did you expect... a reaction?

erica:

erica, wiping away a tear of joy: I love you.

[messyheadspacemusings]

i know its been said b4 but growing up suicidal and then reaching an age you never planned to live to is extremely stressful and terrifying, and we deserve more credit for not killing ourselves and THEN having to make up for the time we spent not caring if we lived or died and not doing work to improve our lives.

[messyheadspacemusings]

[messyheadspacemusings]

Getting a ptsd diagnosis really is just a psychologist saying “I diagnose you with Traumatized”