mentaljourneytake2

[mentaljourneytake2]

I was happy I think for a while.

I was in a good spot

Then the virus. I can’t catch a break. I’m so exhausted, so tired of putting on a happy strong face. My assistant hates me, I hate me. I don’t know how and why I’ve become so numb. I wish I could just snap out of this but Im so stressed and alone. I am such a good actor I make myself believe I’m happy.

[mentaljourneytake2]

I thought I was getting better

Didn’t feel upset as frequently for a few weeks.

Then he came back, tore my heart apart and tried to get me to put it back together just to have him tear it open again a week later. I was silly enough to think it might be different.

Now I lay here all day not having the energy or mental strength to do anything. The house is a mess, the dogs need to be bathed and I need to eat but I just can’t find the energy to do anything. I could scream and cry but it just isn’t leaving me today. I’m so alone, everyone is having incredible days for Aussie day. I’m at home alone just wanting to turn off my life for a couple of weeks.

Tomorrow I hope is a better day. Take the dogs to the

[mentaljourneytake2]

2019

This year broke me in so many ways

My heart

My head

My body

everything

I don’t love myself anymore

I haven’t in a long time

I’ve let the little guy back in my life without realising

I know he’s not healthy but I don’t have the strength to drown him out

This feeling is so numbing I forget he is even there controlling me

[mentaljourneytake2]

I really fucking miss you

this time of year is so emotional as it is and to be alone is killing me. Last year we were having a ball in tassie. This year you’re having a ball on your own.

I miss you, please come home.

[mentaljourneytake2]

Tonight I let my hair down, I felt good for a few hours. I had a few drinks, spa with friends and just general chillled nights.

I’m proud

I still need help but I felt a little better than usual tonight

[mentaljourneytake2]

[mentaljourneytake2]

What feels like the end

This last week has truely felt like that. My whole world crumbled underneath me when he left. I’m alone with my two dogs, without them I don’t think I would be here. This has put me in the darkest place I have been for so many years. One thing I’m proud of is how I am reacting to the break up. Yes I’m angry it has happened and I’m disappointed in myself and him for not having made it work after so many years but I’m proud that we’re some what civil. I have the house and dogs, whilst he has moved out. He is being a typical male already having moved onto another girl or possible girls and that’s really killing me right now. I’m trying to tell myself that that’s how it is for males when this happens. That it doesn’t mean anything. I think it hurts more that the new girl is so pretty, beautiful body and just overall better than me. Again it’s nothing serious, I need to tell myself that or else it’s going to eat me alive. I have never had such bad anxiety and stress.

When I went through the worst time ever around Grade 9 or 10 I tried to kill myself. I remember the devastation on my parents faces when they found me. After that day I realised how much anger and sadness lived in me. I thought I had escaped that faze. But it just grew into another form. From what I remember as I have deleted everything I have from those years I think I went through what you’d call a happier time. But this then twisted into a health kick which twisted into bulimia and anorexia. I struggled with this for over 4 years. I have flashbacks now and sometimes relapse but I’m doing really well. But looking back I have never properly fixed my issues. After flunking school, struggling to breath and passing out in school hallways I decided that I really needed help. But instead I got help from another addictive and evil thing. When I first had weed I felt like the evil had finally left my mind, I’d get the munchies and that would be the only time I could eat without feeling like I was so worthless and needed to remove it instantly. I had been wanting that feeling for so long I stuck to it. Years on I left that friend that introduced me to it. I got healthier I felt like I had beaten both the addiction and disorder finally. But I hadn’t. It just grew into another form. I tell myself I don’t have an addictive personality anymore as I don’t smoke or drink all that much but in reality I work ridiculous hours and continue to push myself into breaking point as I never want to fail. I don’t want to be just another real estate agent. But that’s my addiction starting all over again. It makes me angry, it makes me stressed, anxious and so focused on just being better I started to hate it, hate myself.

This year I should’ve felt proud that I had accomplished so much, but I felt the opposite. Jump to now, my addiction to my work has made me loose my focus on my now ex partner. I kept telling myself this day would never come. And I beat myself up every day knowing I should have snapped out of it and fixed it so much earlier. My heart has been broken, twisted and fucking burned. I am older now and truely trying to keep it together. I have been honest to myself in knowing that I’ve let my anger and hatred grow back inside of me. I don’t want this but this little devil inside keeps saying I do. I know that feeling all too well. I spoke to someone yesterday. I didn’t think I had it in me. But I booked the doctor and finally pulled myself out of bed to go to the appointment before I could talk myself out of it. I was anxious, the doctor was frustrated but kept his cool when he asked why I hadn’t booked the right appointment. That mental health is a seperate booking. That killed me i nearly got up and left, I was so sorry and felt I made such a big mistake. As it wasn’t too busy he helped me. Filling out those forms in front of someone is so fucking confronting. Doing it privately without the feeling of someone reading it and judging you is so different.

He just gave this look to me like he knew how much I needed the help. I was angry at how he made me feel initially but I’m so grateful he did. When I left he looked at me and said he didn’t want to do the meeting as I had booked the wrong appointment but after looking properly at me he knew I needed it and that he was sorry and that he really wants to ensure I’m ok. I needed that.

Anyways today I’m at home. Feeling less sick to my mistake then I was yesterday. I guess this is a diary but for those to read and relate to. I might come back another time. But for now this has helped.

- Bec